Recently a woman and I started chatting as our blue feet bubbled below us and our massage chairs moved up and down our spines. It's a little hard to visit with the vibrating thingy on, but we managed as we enjoyed our pedicures. She recognized me from the Phoenix, (that in itself is scary as I usually go to the nail salon pretty raggedy. That Phoenix picture makes me look all of my age which is not a good thing either...........but at least I had lipstick and mascara on in it!) She asked if I had ever seen Disney's High School Musical. I indicated I indeed had seen it, on recommendation of my 13 year old cousin and 12 year old niece. She asked me what I thought about it.
"Well, seems harmless enough with a good moral ending and no sex, violence or drugs. Sort of a Grease for the younger set."
"Did you think a young girl could be too obsessed with a story and a star?" It seems her daughter has plastered her room with posters, articles and every trinket, t-shirt and toy Disney can dream up. She watches the movie and listens to the sound track constantly. "I mean night and day", moaned her Mother. She writes Mrs. Zac Efron over and over and over. (For the uninformed, High School Musical actor who plays heart-throb Troy Sharpay)
"Well, has if affected her school work?"
"No."
"Has she cut herself off from friends and social interaction?"
"No. Several of them are planning a High School Musical party. The characters, the karaoke, the songs, the whole bit."
"Is she still the precious daughter you know and love?"
"Yes, with this little obsession thrown in."
As always, since Mel and I have been writing these weekly blogs, I preface ANYTHING with
"I am not a professional" but....
Think back on your younger teen years. Whether it was James Dean, Elvis, Ann Margaret, Paul or John, David Cassidy, Olivia Newton John, Farrah Fawcett, Rick Springstein or Kirk Cameron.....it was all pretty innocent. It seems to me that all that teen angst is much better directed at a unattainable ideal than another actual hormone driven tween ager.
I have my own story to tell. I was obsessed with Sonny and Cher in junior high school. Obsessed. My dear friend Nancy invited me to Dallas for a weekend with her parents. We were shopping at the downtown Neiman Marcus. The Men's Shoe Department was right at the bottom of the Up escalator. As we were stepping onto the first stair, I noticed a shaggy man with a leather vest trying on a pair of loafers. OH MY GOSH. I grabbed Nancy's elbow. That 's SONNY. Nancy, being totally unimpressed with the news, continued up the escalator to the granny dresses and Mary Quant mini-skirts. I reversed my ascent and leaned against a pillar, straining for snatches of conversation.
Just then, Sonny kind of hollered up to the mezzanine above, seeking input on his shoe selections. Be still my heart. A heavily banged and eyelined Cher popped up over the railing and gave her approval to his choices.
I forsook Sonny and skedaddled up the stairs to the mezzanine. This was the 1960's. No entourage. No posse. Just them. I, a 14 year old, began to give Cher clothing advice. If you have forgotten, in the 60's Cher never, (never) wore anything but bell bottoms. It was her signature, her talisman, her statement. I shared information of other belled outfits I had seen in other parts of the store. The sales lady was sent to various departments to bring the said items to us. (us). I particularly remember a white pique and pink gingham number, haltered and hip hugging. Cher bought that outfit on the advice of me, 14 year old stylist to the rock stars.
Nancy still loves to tell about that day. I would not leave Cher's side and Mrs. Leake sent word for me to just get back to the hotel by 5:00. That night, we met John Wayne coming up the escalator at the hotel. The Pittsburg Steelers were staying on our floor. And one other thing. A certain couple, also staying at our hotel, waved across the lobby at me and mouthed, "I Got you Babe" as they got on the elevator to head to their show.
All for Now. The former Mrs. Peter Blair Dennis Bernard Noone, signing off. If you know who this is, blog me back and we'll talk about his baby blues! (Hint, he was a guest artist on Idol this season)
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
No Word for "Teenager" in 168 Countries
The French teacher and I were on hall duty about two months ago, watching the silly antics of teenagers during passing period. He noted that there isn't even a word for teenager in 168 countries. His deduction was that the idea is artificially manufactured by our society and, if we would only refer to teens as adults, they might behave as adults.
Could the teenaged years be a so-called capitalistic plot, I thought? After all, a whole economic enterprise is built around teen things - clothing, music, makeup, magazines, tv shows, jewelry, cell phones, the list goes on and on.
Capitalism works as a viable socio-economic system, so I was relieved to read in this month's Scientific American Mind magazine (April/May 2007) that, no, it isn't some subversive plot hatched by evil capitalists. It is theorized, however, that the period known as adolescence is purely a Western phenomenon, and now may be affecting non-Western countries, such as Japan, whose teenagers have actively sought to emulate American teens for decades years now.
And, it does have a small fraction to do with capitalism, specifically, the Industrial Revolution, when large numbers of young immigrants flooded American streets at the turn of the last century, often spunky, sneaky, and rascally youth, i.e. antisocial teens looking for a way out of poverty via enfranchisement in the American way.
Observing this phenomenon, it was in 1904 that psychologist G. Stanley Hall deduced that adolescence was an innate re-enactment of man's savage stage of evolution, and popularized the word adolescent. Teen turmoil was thereafter attributed to a necessary part of human development throughout the 20th century. Dr. Spock probably didn't help matters, either, with his revolt against the Victorian manners with which he had been raised, in which proper children should be seen but not heard - talk about rebellion!
Enter 21st century psychologist, Robert Epstein, author of the Scientific American Mind article, with a study of his own descrying the swollen teen brain model that has explained teen behavior lately. Epstein asserts what we have discussed here before, that we infantilize our youth, extending adolescence far beyond the years when teens, well, let's just call them people, are capable of navigating the world on their own. This, he claims, is the source of anger, frustration, angst, and anti-social teen behavior, rather than brain function. True, our teens hold down jobs, drive cars, have babies, and do everything veritable adults do. Epstein even sites examples of 18-year-olds who have been elected mayor of their towns - you can't get much more grown up than that!
Epstein also claims that in the last few decades, laws restricting teen behavior have increased in greater number than those for other subgroups. He may be right. When I started teaching in 1975, for instance, students could smoke on campus in designated areas, go off campus for lunch, or use the pay phone in the cafeteria or gym foyer during lunch and passing period. All of those have been slowly taken away from students over the years. As seen in Chrissie's article on driving, restrictions are infringing even further into teens' lives with driver's licenses, as the legal driving age inches up toward 18 (and gas inches up toward $3).
So, is all of this the result of an evil plot to extend adolescence to 30? While Epstein might view it as such, I view it as the well-meaning result of the last nearly four decades of peace in the U.S. in which we have had the luxury of becoming increasingly doting on our young. Blame it on the Industrial Revolution for spawning more goods, money, and leisure time to be doting parents, if you will. Blame it on a good economy in which we aren't compelled to kick the kids out of the house when they are 18. Blame it on an effort to protect young people from themselves. Blame it on insurance companies who are trying to keep costs down (teen accidents at night with passengers in the car...). Blame it on trying to save our young from the pitfalls of life into which we may have fallen. Blame it on our litigious society which likes to sue schools now that more students are making it to the 12th grade (yes, the drop out rate is high, but not higher than the turn of the century when the country was still mostly agrarian...). Or on the fact that 18 is not middle aged anymore, so if the lifespan has been pushed farther ahead, then adolescence has to be, as well.
Whatever the cause, neither side of the debate, brain-induced adolescence or culture-induced, gives the whole picture. As more research is done, a synthesis of all the information can give us a better idea of just what it means to be a teenager in America. They admittedly do crazy things (like the teen who choked himself with a bungee cord trying a new high through oxygen deprivation - my thoughts and prayers go out to his family today). But, with a little reworking of the situation, I think being a teenager in America would still be better than being a teenager just about anywhere.
Or, we could be like the French who legally removed all English words from their parley, and vote the word "teenager" out of our vocabulary. We could call them "lighthearted stressed out happy depressed people who like to do zany things." It has a certain je ne c'est quois, no?
Could the teenaged years be a so-called capitalistic plot, I thought? After all, a whole economic enterprise is built around teen things - clothing, music, makeup, magazines, tv shows, jewelry, cell phones, the list goes on and on.
Capitalism works as a viable socio-economic system, so I was relieved to read in this month's Scientific American Mind magazine (April/May 2007) that, no, it isn't some subversive plot hatched by evil capitalists. It is theorized, however, that the period known as adolescence is purely a Western phenomenon, and now may be affecting non-Western countries, such as Japan, whose teenagers have actively sought to emulate American teens for decades years now.
And, it does have a small fraction to do with capitalism, specifically, the Industrial Revolution, when large numbers of young immigrants flooded American streets at the turn of the last century, often spunky, sneaky, and rascally youth, i.e. antisocial teens looking for a way out of poverty via enfranchisement in the American way.
Observing this phenomenon, it was in 1904 that psychologist G. Stanley Hall deduced that adolescence was an innate re-enactment of man's savage stage of evolution, and popularized the word adolescent. Teen turmoil was thereafter attributed to a necessary part of human development throughout the 20th century. Dr. Spock probably didn't help matters, either, with his revolt against the Victorian manners with which he had been raised, in which proper children should be seen but not heard - talk about rebellion!
Enter 21st century psychologist, Robert Epstein, author of the Scientific American Mind article, with a study of his own descrying the swollen teen brain model that has explained teen behavior lately. Epstein asserts what we have discussed here before, that we infantilize our youth, extending adolescence far beyond the years when teens, well, let's just call them people, are capable of navigating the world on their own. This, he claims, is the source of anger, frustration, angst, and anti-social teen behavior, rather than brain function. True, our teens hold down jobs, drive cars, have babies, and do everything veritable adults do. Epstein even sites examples of 18-year-olds who have been elected mayor of their towns - you can't get much more grown up than that!
Epstein also claims that in the last few decades, laws restricting teen behavior have increased in greater number than those for other subgroups. He may be right. When I started teaching in 1975, for instance, students could smoke on campus in designated areas, go off campus for lunch, or use the pay phone in the cafeteria or gym foyer during lunch and passing period. All of those have been slowly taken away from students over the years. As seen in Chrissie's article on driving, restrictions are infringing even further into teens' lives with driver's licenses, as the legal driving age inches up toward 18 (and gas inches up toward $3).
So, is all of this the result of an evil plot to extend adolescence to 30? While Epstein might view it as such, I view it as the well-meaning result of the last nearly four decades of peace in the U.S. in which we have had the luxury of becoming increasingly doting on our young. Blame it on the Industrial Revolution for spawning more goods, money, and leisure time to be doting parents, if you will. Blame it on a good economy in which we aren't compelled to kick the kids out of the house when they are 18. Blame it on an effort to protect young people from themselves. Blame it on insurance companies who are trying to keep costs down (teen accidents at night with passengers in the car...). Blame it on trying to save our young from the pitfalls of life into which we may have fallen. Blame it on our litigious society which likes to sue schools now that more students are making it to the 12th grade (yes, the drop out rate is high, but not higher than the turn of the century when the country was still mostly agrarian...). Or on the fact that 18 is not middle aged anymore, so if the lifespan has been pushed farther ahead, then adolescence has to be, as well.
Whatever the cause, neither side of the debate, brain-induced adolescence or culture-induced, gives the whole picture. As more research is done, a synthesis of all the information can give us a better idea of just what it means to be a teenager in America. They admittedly do crazy things (like the teen who choked himself with a bungee cord trying a new high through oxygen deprivation - my thoughts and prayers go out to his family today). But, with a little reworking of the situation, I think being a teenager in America would still be better than being a teenager just about anywhere.
Or, we could be like the French who legally removed all English words from their parley, and vote the word "teenager" out of our vocabulary. We could call them "lighthearted stressed out happy depressed people who like to do zany things." It has a certain je ne c'est quois, no?
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Happy Birthday Oklahoma!
"Oklahoma! Cast"
Oklahoma!
This week's a quick column. We closed the musical "Oklahoma!" today and as always, any last show is bittersweet. It is time to get your life back but you miss the process, the people and the beauty of seeing a show come together every night. This production was truly a joy to direct.
4. Verbs has to agree with their subject Singular subject-singular verb. Ditto for plural subjects. The subject "verbs" is plural, so the verb form to to have would be plural also. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Talk about cross generational. The cast ranged from 10 to 70 somethings and everyone had a wonderful time. I have worked with several of the leads since they were in middle and high school and their dedication and commitment merely reinforces what Mel and I have been saying all along. Involved and contributing youth become involved and contributing adults.
Several people have asked for the answers on last week's blog. So, here goes.........
1. Do not use prepositions to end sentences with. Notice, the previous sentence is ending in a preposition! Do not use prepositions at the end of a sentence.
2. Be you know, specific. Use precise language. Vague words do not convey what you are trying to say. Be specific.
3. Each person should use their pronouns correctly. Pronouns should agree with the subject of a sentence. Each person should use his/her pronouns correctly.
4. Verbs has to agree with their subject Singular subject-singular verb. Ditto for plural subjects. The subject "verbs" is plural, so the verb form to to have would be plural also. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
5. Write all adverbial forms correct. I wish there was a hard and fast rule about adverbs. It just one of those parts of speech that you hear and know if it is right or wrong. Some adverbs have no endings, some do. Example. He stacked the books quickly. We arrived quite late. Write all adverbial forms correctly.
6. Do not be redundant and use more words than necessary as it can be terribly excessive. Clear and direct writing is the goal here. Don't repeat yourself and only use necessary words.
7. Don't use prepositions where they are not needed at. A preposition shows the relationship of a noun or pronoun to another word in a sentence. Incorrect. "Where's the Slurpee sale going on?" Correct. Where is the Slurpee sale? Don't use propositions where they are not needed.
8. Use phrases correctly, irregardless of how common the misused phrases are. Examples of our verbal abuse ? Irregardless is not a word. Hopefully is an adverb meaning "in a hopeful manner." It does not replace "I hope" or "It is hoped..."Presently does not mean now or in the present. It means soon, before long, shortly, keep your shirt on, or when I'm darn good and ready. Get a grammar and usage book to brush up on "word abuse." Use phrases correctly, regardless of how common the misused phrases are.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
How to Make Sense of It
Just last week I wrote about the need to develop positive self esteem in our young people and that too much self esteem is harmful to an individual. The tormented person who shot the kids at Virginia Tech is an example of this self esteem issue.
No one knows for sure what this young man was thinking, but he opened fire on the students supposedly because he was mad at "rich kids" and how they made him feel about himself. Someone will always be better than we are - children need to be taught that and taught how to deal with the adversity they face. In the past, before the self-esteem fluff that has been pushed by our society, the response would have been "I'll show them, I'll go out and make something of myself." Like become a millionaire or something.
But now it's "I'll show them, I'll get a gun." Overwhelmingly, too, it is boys who are shooting people. It's not just kids in general who have perpetrated events such as Columbine, Jonesboro, or Virginia Tech, but young men specifically. Something has to be done to revise our approach besides assuaging young men with more platitudes encouraging false self-esteem and overarching pride. We must help our young people, especially our young men, develop a realistic, positive sense of self. Even one more condolence card is too many.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the Virginia Tech families and their community, as well as to the young man's parents. They will need the country's support and good thoughts to heal from this tragedy.
Melony
No one knows for sure what this young man was thinking, but he opened fire on the students supposedly because he was mad at "rich kids" and how they made him feel about himself. Someone will always be better than we are - children need to be taught that and taught how to deal with the adversity they face. In the past, before the self-esteem fluff that has been pushed by our society, the response would have been "I'll show them, I'll go out and make something of myself." Like become a millionaire or something.
But now it's "I'll show them, I'll get a gun." Overwhelmingly, too, it is boys who are shooting people. It's not just kids in general who have perpetrated events such as Columbine, Jonesboro, or Virginia Tech, but young men specifically. Something has to be done to revise our approach besides assuaging young men with more platitudes encouraging false self-esteem and overarching pride. We must help our young people, especially our young men, develop a realistic, positive sense of self. Even one more condolence card is too many.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the Virginia Tech families and their community, as well as to the young man's parents. They will need the country's support and good thoughts to heal from this tragedy.
Melony
Monday, April 16, 2007
Woe is I
Pop culture is incredibly influential on teens today. However, while pop stars, rockers, and politicians may impress kids with their "beats"and their "bling," their grammar is quite another story. Here's a tongue in cheek view of a few grammar rules.
Don't use prepositions to end sentences with."Well, you're the worst pirate I've ever heard of." Will Turner to Capt. Jack Sparrow in the 2003 film Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl . I don't care if Johnny Depp is ending his sentence with a preposition, "Where's the snow cone stand at? " is incorrect and lowers the speaker's IQ 20 points.
Be you know, specific. "Oh my God, ew! Oh my God, I'm like, so sorry, you're so cute and everything, but there's just no way!" Summer Roberts in the Fox TV series The O.C., January 14, 2004 . Effective communication requires clarity and specific word choices. It requires a vocabulary of more than one syllable words. It requires functioning brain patterns.
Each person should use their pronouns correctly. "I heard he and his crew chief discussing the race set-up and I was really impressed. Him and Joe communicate really well." Nascar on Fox, May 2006. Think it is just sportscasters and rednecks? Consider the following quote. U.S. President George W. Bush, news conference, July 30, 2003. ".....and that's really my only comment I've got." Sigh.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects. "All People Is My Friends" DJ Koze CD title. Heard on a local television ad, " Mow it, tow it, or row it, we, with cash in our hands, is waiting to make you a trade. Even six year olds greet with an enthusiastic "How you is?"
Write all adverbial forms correct. "Think Different." Apple Computer advertising slogan. Not that this isn't an effective advertising slogan but "run quick" and "laugh loud" in everyday speech is incorrect and unfortunately becoming accepted language.
Do not be redundant and use more words than necessary as it can be terribly excessive. "Rock 'N Jock Super Bowl XXXVIII" airs at 2 p.m. ET, right after a special edition of "TRL" that begins at 1 p.m. Friday night on MTV…" VH1.com news article, January 30, 2004 . Our kids are champs at this, particularly on a specific word count essay assignment. Conciseness is becoming a lost art. It is easier to ramble than to speak or write compactly.
Don't use prepositions where they're not needed at. "To me it wasn't really that big of a deal that I was marrying Britney Spears." Jason Alexander, childhood friend and ex-husband of pop star Britney Spears .
Use phrases correctly, irregardless of how common the misused phrases are. "Battle of Who Could Care Less" Song title by pop group Ben Folds Five . The English teacher in me comes out at this one. Who is generally becoming more accepted in casual writing, but used after a preposition, whom is necessary.
Ok. Now the interesting part. Ask your teen to read the above grammar rules and to correct the mistakes in bold face.
Don't use prepositions to end sentences with."Well, you're the worst pirate I've ever heard of." Will Turner to Capt. Jack Sparrow in the 2003 film Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl . I don't care if Johnny Depp is ending his sentence with a preposition, "Where's the snow cone stand at? " is incorrect and lowers the speaker's IQ 20 points.
Be you know, specific. "Oh my God, ew! Oh my God, I'm like, so sorry, you're so cute and everything, but there's just no way!" Summer Roberts in the Fox TV series The O.C., January 14, 2004 . Effective communication requires clarity and specific word choices. It requires a vocabulary of more than one syllable words. It requires functioning brain patterns.
Each person should use their pronouns correctly. "I heard he and his crew chief discussing the race set-up and I was really impressed. Him and Joe communicate really well." Nascar on Fox, May 2006. Think it is just sportscasters and rednecks? Consider the following quote. U.S. President George W. Bush, news conference, July 30, 2003. ".....and that's really my only comment I've got." Sigh.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects. "All People Is My Friends" DJ Koze CD title. Heard on a local television ad, " Mow it, tow it, or row it, we, with cash in our hands, is waiting to make you a trade. Even six year olds greet with an enthusiastic "How you is?"
Write all adverbial forms correct. "Think Different." Apple Computer advertising slogan. Not that this isn't an effective advertising slogan but "run quick" and "laugh loud" in everyday speech is incorrect and unfortunately becoming accepted language.
Do not be redundant and use more words than necessary as it can be terribly excessive. "Rock 'N Jock Super Bowl XXXVIII" airs at 2 p.m. ET, right after a special edition of "TRL" that begins at 1 p.m. Friday night on MTV…" VH1.com news article, January 30, 2004 . Our kids are champs at this, particularly on a specific word count essay assignment. Conciseness is becoming a lost art. It is easier to ramble than to speak or write compactly.
Don't use prepositions where they're not needed at. "To me it wasn't really that big of a deal that I was marrying Britney Spears." Jason Alexander, childhood friend and ex-husband of pop star Britney Spears .
Use phrases correctly, irregardless of how common the misused phrases are. "Battle of Who Could Care Less" Song title by pop group Ben Folds Five . The English teacher in me comes out at this one. Who is generally becoming more accepted in casual writing, but used after a preposition, whom is necessary.
Ok. Now the interesting part. Ask your teen to read the above grammar rules and to correct the mistakes in bold face.
One popular teen site is teenfx.com. The site features a whole section on teen lingo and language. Interactive polls are offered. The following is available to take today.
What's your favorite way to describe a good thing?
Cool
Dude
Omigod
Score
Scream
Sweet
Woo- Hoo
Yippee
The vocabulary choices offered above are extensive, I just can't make up my mind. I think I'll add my own description of a really good thing.
Groovy. Peace and Love. C
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Money, It's a Gas
I originally wasn't going to publish this blog today. But, something a student teacher said at lunch made me believe maybe now is the time. She said she tries really hard as a college student to not spend money, not even on a Coke at McDonald's. She also said she heard a major economist is touring the U.S. discussing the bankruptcy we will all be in, if we don't stop spending money, including the federal government. So, here goes...
Maybe the Pink Floyd classic "Money" should be reworded for this generation from "money, it's a gas" to "money, it's for gas." It seems to be what "fuels" our economy these days, at least partially. (And if you are a conspiracy theory enthusiast, you will know that many say gas is why teenagers are facing more restrictions on getting a drivers' license! see Chrissie's last blog)
Truly, many teenagers work long hours for a little bit of gas money. Many also make their car payments and/or pay for their car insurance. More kids have cars now than ever before and car pooling is almost unheard of nowadays. Case in point, there are two more student parking lots now at MHS than there were 15 years ago.
But, how many are saving their hard earned dollars for college or other post secondary education? Maybe more importantly, how many of us have saved enough for our children's college education? We are, after all, the first example of fiscal fitness.
Americans are not savers, it's true. And, while we are the wealthiest nation on the planet, we are also fiscally undereducated and often irresponsible. Technology education has replaced business education in the past two decades. Once classes in accounting and personal finance were common, but now they are non-existent. They have gone the way of business law or street law and mock court activities, representative student council with homeroom reps, and all the other things that have traditionally instilled our brand of democracy-cum-capitalism into our progeny.
There are some common, but highly important things about money your teen should know, but how he is supposed to learn them in this age of No Child Left Behind, I don't know. Schools are so focused on passing end-of-instruction tests that there is little time left to learn how to balance a checkbook, figure amortization or interest income, fill out an IRS form, or make a budget. These are not only necessary life skills, but understanding them, especially how to balance a budget or live on the money one has, will help a teen tough it out through college 'til the end, degree in hand.
Many parents feel that if a child is working, the money should be his. True, but only to an extent. If you have not opened a savings account for your child already, go with your teen to open one now and insist that part of his money goes into savings. I always love it when Jay Merriman speaks to my advanced Latin students about investments. He passes out a sliding scale showing how much a person could have after so many years of regular deposits into a savings instrument. The kids are amazed to see just how much money they could amass, if they would only discipline themselves to save. Michelle Singletary ("The Color of Money") is a huge proponent of teaching a teen to save in our era of spend, spend, spend.
And then there is the question of a checking account and a debit card. If your teen is irresponsible, a debit card may be out of the question. That $1.50 Big Gulp bought on a whim at the convenience store that overdraws his checking account will end up costing $26.50 - an expensive lesson to learn, especially if it has to be learned over and over and over again.
And, if you land just above the OHLAP college tuition program, but just under actually being able to afford paying cash to have a child in college, then student loans will be a huge issue. Borrowing too much, paying loans back on time, and loan consolidation all require educated decisions. Who wants their child to begin life in a quagmire of debt? And that doesn't even count the number of credit card applications that arrive in the mail daily for students beginning at the end of their high school career. Tear them up!
But, in the school of hard knocks, where evidently many people get their education about finance, there are alot of costly lessons to be learned. The school of hard knocks doesn't believe in No Child Left Behind. Most lessons there are experiential, but one is purely spiritual. All of it, the debit cards, savings accounts, car payments, and college tuition loans share one common skill: self-discipline. If we really want No Child Left Behind, we will instill good discipline habits in our children on every level.
Just yesterday on NPR, an economics professor from Princeton predicted that this current American economy will take a generation to rework as America finds a new foothold in a different market. A generation. If a generation is 20 years, then that means my children will be in their 40's before American entrepreneurialism reinvents itself wholly. While we are busy teaching and reteaching math, science, English and American History over and over again so that we can pass high school tests once considered common knowledge to even the worst high school student, our creativity and business savvy slide further down the hole.
Mayor Wren Stratton called on our city businessmen/women for help by instituting the Junior Achievement Program at the 7th and 8th Grade Center and Muskogee High School. It is a component of our 21st Century After School Program, but it is contingent upon the volunteer services of local business people. This is a way to put business education back into the public schools, albeit after hours.
If we don't do something on a personal, school, and City level to help our teens understand economics, business, finance and develop the self-discipline needed to be successful, it won't just be no child left behind, but it could be all children, and the adults they will become, who will be left behind.
Maybe the Pink Floyd classic "Money" should be reworded for this generation from "money, it's a gas" to "money, it's for gas." It seems to be what "fuels" our economy these days, at least partially. (And if you are a conspiracy theory enthusiast, you will know that many say gas is why teenagers are facing more restrictions on getting a drivers' license! see Chrissie's last blog)
Truly, many teenagers work long hours for a little bit of gas money. Many also make their car payments and/or pay for their car insurance. More kids have cars now than ever before and car pooling is almost unheard of nowadays. Case in point, there are two more student parking lots now at MHS than there were 15 years ago.
But, how many are saving their hard earned dollars for college or other post secondary education? Maybe more importantly, how many of us have saved enough for our children's college education? We are, after all, the first example of fiscal fitness.
Americans are not savers, it's true. And, while we are the wealthiest nation on the planet, we are also fiscally undereducated and often irresponsible. Technology education has replaced business education in the past two decades. Once classes in accounting and personal finance were common, but now they are non-existent. They have gone the way of business law or street law and mock court activities, representative student council with homeroom reps, and all the other things that have traditionally instilled our brand of democracy-cum-capitalism into our progeny.
There are some common, but highly important things about money your teen should know, but how he is supposed to learn them in this age of No Child Left Behind, I don't know. Schools are so focused on passing end-of-instruction tests that there is little time left to learn how to balance a checkbook, figure amortization or interest income, fill out an IRS form, or make a budget. These are not only necessary life skills, but understanding them, especially how to balance a budget or live on the money one has, will help a teen tough it out through college 'til the end, degree in hand.
Many parents feel that if a child is working, the money should be his. True, but only to an extent. If you have not opened a savings account for your child already, go with your teen to open one now and insist that part of his money goes into savings. I always love it when Jay Merriman speaks to my advanced Latin students about investments. He passes out a sliding scale showing how much a person could have after so many years of regular deposits into a savings instrument. The kids are amazed to see just how much money they could amass, if they would only discipline themselves to save. Michelle Singletary ("The Color of Money") is a huge proponent of teaching a teen to save in our era of spend, spend, spend.
And then there is the question of a checking account and a debit card. If your teen is irresponsible, a debit card may be out of the question. That $1.50 Big Gulp bought on a whim at the convenience store that overdraws his checking account will end up costing $26.50 - an expensive lesson to learn, especially if it has to be learned over and over and over again.
And, if you land just above the OHLAP college tuition program, but just under actually being able to afford paying cash to have a child in college, then student loans will be a huge issue. Borrowing too much, paying loans back on time, and loan consolidation all require educated decisions. Who wants their child to begin life in a quagmire of debt? And that doesn't even count the number of credit card applications that arrive in the mail daily for students beginning at the end of their high school career. Tear them up!
But, in the school of hard knocks, where evidently many people get their education about finance, there are alot of costly lessons to be learned. The school of hard knocks doesn't believe in No Child Left Behind. Most lessons there are experiential, but one is purely spiritual. All of it, the debit cards, savings accounts, car payments, and college tuition loans share one common skill: self-discipline. If we really want No Child Left Behind, we will instill good discipline habits in our children on every level.
Just yesterday on NPR, an economics professor from Princeton predicted that this current American economy will take a generation to rework as America finds a new foothold in a different market. A generation. If a generation is 20 years, then that means my children will be in their 40's before American entrepreneurialism reinvents itself wholly. While we are busy teaching and reteaching math, science, English and American History over and over again so that we can pass high school tests once considered common knowledge to even the worst high school student, our creativity and business savvy slide further down the hole.
Mayor Wren Stratton called on our city businessmen/women for help by instituting the Junior Achievement Program at the 7th and 8th Grade Center and Muskogee High School. It is a component of our 21st Century After School Program, but it is contingent upon the volunteer services of local business people. This is a way to put business education back into the public schools, albeit after hours.
If we don't do something on a personal, school, and City level to help our teens understand economics, business, finance and develop the self-discipline needed to be successful, it won't just be no child left behind, but it could be all children, and the adults they will become, who will be left behind.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Baby Can I Drive Your Car?
We were with extended family over the Easter holiday. My cousin's oldest child had turned 16 last week. He proudly showed off his new "wheels" (well, new to him anyway). His Mother shared her delight that he could now drive himself to 5:00 A.M. swim practices every morning.
Lynda was definitely doing the Happy Dance that he could now get where he needed to go without her. As we were talking, she mentioned how confusing the procedure had been to get a license. If your teen is almost driving age, you should know, Oklahoma law has changed. With a simple outline, you might save yourself a trip or two to the DMV.
The first step is getting a Learner's Permit. In Oklahoma this permit enables you to drive a car as long as someone 21 or over is in the passenger seat beside the driver.
The following criteria must be met to apply for the permit:
1. You are15 1/2 and are currently receiving or have passed Driver's Education.
2. You have passed the written Driver's Exam. (This is taken at the DMV. You need to pick up the Oklahoma Driver's Manual there prior to taking this test. It is also on line at http://www.dmv.org/ok-oklahoma/drivers-ed.php ) You will not pass it without studying. Promise.
3. You have passed the Vision Exam.
Driver's Education is offered on a limited basis in area high schools. Refer to your child's counselor for availability. There are also private driving instructors who are certified by the State of Oklahoma. Something new since my children is Parent-Taught Drivers Ed. Information on this option can be found at http://www.dps.state.ok.us/dls/ptde.htm . For all intents and purposes, it is a correspondence course. A good friend is doing this with her daughter and found it a little nerve-wracking and difficult because of the very nature of 15 year olds and Mothers. It is, however, cheaper. Private Driving instructors are between $250.00 and $300.00 dollars and her AAA Parent Drivers Ed Course was $100.00. You drive for 6 months with the Learner's Permit.
The next step in a license is the "Graduated Driver's License". This is also new since my kids and here's the explanation. On November 1, 2005 Oklahoma began enforcing a law changing the way teens are permitted to drive. Too many teen drivers were getting injured or killed and additional rules would help stop these injuries and deaths. The graduated driver's license (GDL) is helping to lower those numbers. (note: without Driver's Ed, applying 16 year olds drive under the GDL for 1 year)
Once you apply for an Oklahoma Driver's License and the State of Oklahoma grants you a Graduated Driver's License, you will have the following restrictions:
You are only permitted to drive between the hours of 5 a.m. to 11 p.m., (with exceptions for driving to work, school, church or related activities, or if you are driving with a licensed driver in the seat next to you.)
You are not allowed to drive, even between 5 a.m. and 11 p.m. with multiple passengers younger than age 21, unless those passengers are members of your family. So, while brothers and sisters may be driven around, a car full of friends may not.
Once the year is over, if your driving record is clean, the restrictions will be lifted.
If there is a traffic ticket and you are convicted (found guilty) of a moving violation during the first year of driving, the graduated license restrictions will remain on the license until you turn 18.
As an aside, I for one, think this is a grand plan and congratulations to our lawmakers. I wish my children would have had more time to mature and grow before the whole Master of the Universe thing. 44% of teen deaths are directly related to car crashes. I found the following from the National Safety Council that further supports the Graduated License concept.
Traffic safety programs for teens are often designed to help teens modify their own driving behavior to reduce risk of crashes. But we know that many teens have difficulty regulating their risk-taking behavior, and recent research is beginning to give us insight into why. Researchers are finding that the area of the brain that governs weighing consequences of one’s actions, suppressing impulses and organizing thoughts does not fully mature until about age 25. In addition, hormones are active and influencing the brain’s neurochemicals that regulate excitability and mood. This can result in thrill-seeking behavior and other experiences that create intense feelings, during years when the brain’s ability to make people more responsible is not yet fully mature. It is also during these years that teenagers typically learn to drive. A balanced approach to traffic safety for young drivers should not depend entirely on teens regulating their own driving behavior. (AMEN)
OK. 6 months with a permit, 6 months with a GDL, then an Unrestricted License
if all criteria is met.
Here is where I save you the second or third trip back and forth to the DMV. A driver applying for a permit or license must have the following at the time of application:
1. For Permit -proof of enrollment or completion of Driver's Ed.
2.. 2 forms of ID. These can be a birth certificate, a social security card, a passport, a school photo I.D.. ...Check http://www.dmv.org/ok-oklahoma/apply-license.php for other approved identification.
3. A notarized statement (usually from the School Bursar) of current enrollment in high school
4. Also from the Bursar, proof of passing the 8th grade Reading Competency test. (Yes 8th grade, this one is a little disconcerting isn't it?)
5. Applying for the GDL is when the Driving portion of the test is administered. Be sure that the car tag and insurance verification are current in the vehicle used to take the test.
6. Fees are $25.50 for Permit and $25.50 for a Class D License.
Getting a Driver's License is definitely a milestone in both you and your child's life. Handing over the car keys is a wing and a prayer moment. As parents, hopefully we have given them the tools and the good sense to be wise and careful. With freedom comes responsibility and communicating expectations is crucial to letting a 16 year old get behind the wheel of a car. This new graduated license is a good way to start.
Lynda was definitely doing the Happy Dance that he could now get where he needed to go without her. As we were talking, she mentioned how confusing the procedure had been to get a license. If your teen is almost driving age, you should know, Oklahoma law has changed. With a simple outline, you might save yourself a trip or two to the DMV.
The first step is getting a Learner's Permit. In Oklahoma this permit enables you to drive a car as long as someone 21 or over is in the passenger seat beside the driver.
The following criteria must be met to apply for the permit:
1. You are15 1/2 and are currently receiving or have passed Driver's Education.
2. You have passed the written Driver's Exam. (This is taken at the DMV. You need to pick up the Oklahoma Driver's Manual there prior to taking this test. It is also on line at http://www.dmv.org/ok-oklahoma/drivers-ed.php ) You will not pass it without studying. Promise.
3. You have passed the Vision Exam.
Driver's Education is offered on a limited basis in area high schools. Refer to your child's counselor for availability. There are also private driving instructors who are certified by the State of Oklahoma. Something new since my children is Parent-Taught Drivers Ed. Information on this option can be found at http://www.dps.state.ok.us/dls/ptde.htm . For all intents and purposes, it is a correspondence course. A good friend is doing this with her daughter and found it a little nerve-wracking and difficult because of the very nature of 15 year olds and Mothers. It is, however, cheaper. Private Driving instructors are between $250.00 and $300.00 dollars and her AAA Parent Drivers Ed Course was $100.00. You drive for 6 months with the Learner's Permit.
The next step in a license is the "Graduated Driver's License". This is also new since my kids and here's the explanation. On November 1, 2005 Oklahoma began enforcing a law changing the way teens are permitted to drive. Too many teen drivers were getting injured or killed and additional rules would help stop these injuries and deaths. The graduated driver's license (GDL) is helping to lower those numbers. (note: without Driver's Ed, applying 16 year olds drive under the GDL for 1 year)
Once you apply for an Oklahoma Driver's License and the State of Oklahoma grants you a Graduated Driver's License, you will have the following restrictions:
You are only permitted to drive between the hours of 5 a.m. to 11 p.m., (with exceptions for driving to work, school, church or related activities, or if you are driving with a licensed driver in the seat next to you.)
You are not allowed to drive, even between 5 a.m. and 11 p.m. with multiple passengers younger than age 21, unless those passengers are members of your family. So, while brothers and sisters may be driven around, a car full of friends may not.
Once the year is over, if your driving record is clean, the restrictions will be lifted.
If there is a traffic ticket and you are convicted (found guilty) of a moving violation during the first year of driving, the graduated license restrictions will remain on the license until you turn 18.
As an aside, I for one, think this is a grand plan and congratulations to our lawmakers. I wish my children would have had more time to mature and grow before the whole Master of the Universe thing. 44% of teen deaths are directly related to car crashes. I found the following from the National Safety Council that further supports the Graduated License concept.
Traffic safety programs for teens are often designed to help teens modify their own driving behavior to reduce risk of crashes. But we know that many teens have difficulty regulating their risk-taking behavior, and recent research is beginning to give us insight into why. Researchers are finding that the area of the brain that governs weighing consequences of one’s actions, suppressing impulses and organizing thoughts does not fully mature until about age 25. In addition, hormones are active and influencing the brain’s neurochemicals that regulate excitability and mood. This can result in thrill-seeking behavior and other experiences that create intense feelings, during years when the brain’s ability to make people more responsible is not yet fully mature. It is also during these years that teenagers typically learn to drive. A balanced approach to traffic safety for young drivers should not depend entirely on teens regulating their own driving behavior. (AMEN)
OK. 6 months with a permit, 6 months with a GDL, then an Unrestricted License
if all criteria is met.
Here is where I save you the second or third trip back and forth to the DMV. A driver applying for a permit or license must have the following at the time of application:
1. For Permit -proof of enrollment or completion of Driver's Ed.
2.. 2 forms of ID. These can be a birth certificate, a social security card, a passport, a school photo I.D.. ...Check http://www.dmv.org/ok-oklahoma/apply-license.php for other approved identification.
3. A notarized statement (usually from the School Bursar) of current enrollment in high school
4. Also from the Bursar, proof of passing the 8th grade Reading Competency test. (Yes 8th grade, this one is a little disconcerting isn't it?)
5. Applying for the GDL is when the Driving portion of the test is administered. Be sure that the car tag and insurance verification are current in the vehicle used to take the test.
6. Fees are $25.50 for Permit and $25.50 for a Class D License.
Getting a Driver's License is definitely a milestone in both you and your child's life. Handing over the car keys is a wing and a prayer moment. As parents, hopefully we have given them the tools and the good sense to be wise and careful. With freedom comes responsibility and communicating expectations is crucial to letting a 16 year old get behind the wheel of a car. This new graduated license is a good way to start.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
When Feeling Good is Bad for You
It's almost become the mantra of public schooling - you've got to feel good about yourself to be successful. For going on twenty years, the educational buzz word has been self-esteem. But, is it really true that a teenager has to have high self-esteem to be successful?
Very few of us have such a sense of self that we can stand a constant barrage of criticism and still remain unscathed. Almost everyone needs validation of their ideas and worth as a human being.
Validation gives a teen a sense of worth and self-confidence. This begins to develop in childhood in an atmosphere of unconditional love. Abraham Maslow identified love as coming just after the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter in his hierarchy of needs. Once love is well established, almost anything can be withstood, but where early parental love is lacking, the seeds of self-doubt and questioning of our worthiness to exist are already beginning to creep in. Our job as parents is really to provide that love right from the start.
And then come the teen years. If self-doubt was ever present, it is during the teen years when something as tiny as a nearly invisible pimple can wreak havoc with our confidence. And, as Chrissie pointed out in her last blog, our friends play a big part in determining our self worth as we move out of the secure and unconditional love given by our families and into the sometimes fickle love given by our peers.
And it is here that I have to diverge from the American public school thinking on self esteem. Is it possible that between the ages of 14 - 19, or beyond, our self-esteem is not as much dependent on what the sociologist Charles Cooley called "the looking glass self" (feedback given us by peers, parents, and society at large), but upon the choices we make and the attitudes we adopt?
What I mean is this: You know when you are worthless, guilty, in the wrong - you don't need someone to tell you. When bad choices are made (flunking a class, running with the wrong crowd, repeatedly disobeying orders, not living up to potential), you are in essence undermining your own self-esteem - no one did that to you, you did it to yourself.
Ok, I can hear what you are thinking, so let me elaborate just a little more. I can't give a student self-esteem, for instance - that is something developed through competencies and personal successes. Kids can tell when compliments paid them by the faculty are false or undeserved. These actually make kids feel worse, not better. What I can do is direct a student toward developing good self-esteem by loving him/her unconditionally while helping him/her develop competencies, make right choices, and experience success, no matter how small or large. This is the same function the parent should play in the home.
Psychologist, Nathaniel Branden outlined what self-esteem is in his The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem way back in 1994. No one has listened to him, at least not the schools, not even post-Columbine. Studies have shown time and again that high teen self-esteem leads to violent acts such as rape, bullying, or school shootings much more than low self-esteem. Jason Katz, a counselor of troubled male teens and author of Tough Guise, points out that boys who believe they are better than everyone else (high self-esteem) are more prone to violent acts than those with moderate to low self esteem, for the very reason that their inflated egos need to demean those below them who have snubbed them.
If all this feel-good high self-esteem is not good for us, then what is? Branden defines healthy self-esteem as
1.)confidence in our ability to think; confidence to cope with the basic life challenges and 2.)confidence in our right to be happy and successful, feel worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
How to achieve this kind of self-esteem, then? Branden gives his six pillars and I add what parents can do to help a teen begin to develop a healthy self image:
1. Live Consciously - that's difficult for a teenager, but with a great role model to follow (you), it will not be so difficult. Keep an active mind and take joy in being intelligent. Keep the long term goal in sight. See and correct your mistakes. Above all, keep learning. Learn from mistakes, learn everything from the Pythagorean Theorem to how to bake a cake - everything you learn is a competency that increases your chances at success.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance - again, talking with your teen and keeping the lines of communication open can go a long ways toward deterring the habit of your teen's being self-critical. Also, if you accept your teen (to a certain extent - remember, we hate bad behavior, not the child), they will be more likely to accept themselves, too.
3. Practice Self-Responsibility - help your teen make choices that will direct him/her toward achieving desires and upholding values.
4. Practice Self-Assertiveness - wow, a hard one with teens if you have a really quiet and shy child. Somehow, though, you have to help your child stand up for him/herself. You don't want to turn your child into the school bully, but you do want your child to know he or she has as much right to exist as the next person.
5. Practice Living Purposely - ok, kids don't even know what their purpose is yet, but that's your purpose - to help direct them, as Chrissie has said, toward finding their focus. You can also help your child understand how to set goals and take action to achieve those goals. Again, you are the prime role model, you and the teachers you have chosen for your child. You want it to be you, rather than their friends who may also be clueless. Another reason to also promote your child's having good friends.
And,
6. Practice Personal Integrity - this is a biggie, and all other things being equal, I think this is where most teens and adults get bogged down. As I said earlier, we have to act in accordance with our values. When we don't - teen or adult - we are hacking away at the roots of our self-esteem. Branden says that if we say "only I will know" about my bad behavior, then we are saying our opinions of ourselves do not matter, and that's the worst self-esteem buster of all. Think about what you may have inadvertently taught your child if you have ever said something in front of him/her like "I'm going to buy this really expensive purse, but don't tell dad (or mom - oh, well not the purse, change that to chain saw or something...)." Everyone has probably said that at one time or another, but if you make a living out of those kinds of statements, you are teaching your child to lie, deceive, prevaricate, and undermine the one opinion that really means anything - their own.
This high self-esteem policy is starting to have a backlash. It had reached ridiculous proportions with some high schools disbanding National Honor Society or other academic recognition because it might hurt the self-esteem of the teens who don't make the grade. But, learning to deal with adversity, learning to deal with the fact that someone will always be better than we are is an essential life skill we are robbing our students and children of by overprotecting them. It is creating a generation of willful, narcissistic people who believe no one has the right to tell them what to do. Scary.
Studies also show that the best leaders, the most respected people of our time, did not have high self-esteem, but rather only moderate, filled with self-doubt, but not lacking in personal integrity, self-responsibility, self-acceptance, or living consciously. You can help your teen achieve self-actualization by continuing to offer unconditional love and the opportunities to practice Branden's six pillars of self-esteem. Remember your final product - a competent person who is proud of what he/she has achieved, capable of continuing toward self-actualization and realizing his/her dreams, even long after you are gone.
Now that's something to feel good about.
Very few of us have such a sense of self that we can stand a constant barrage of criticism and still remain unscathed. Almost everyone needs validation of their ideas and worth as a human being.
Validation gives a teen a sense of worth and self-confidence. This begins to develop in childhood in an atmosphere of unconditional love. Abraham Maslow identified love as coming just after the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter in his hierarchy of needs. Once love is well established, almost anything can be withstood, but where early parental love is lacking, the seeds of self-doubt and questioning of our worthiness to exist are already beginning to creep in. Our job as parents is really to provide that love right from the start.
And then come the teen years. If self-doubt was ever present, it is during the teen years when something as tiny as a nearly invisible pimple can wreak havoc with our confidence. And, as Chrissie pointed out in her last blog, our friends play a big part in determining our self worth as we move out of the secure and unconditional love given by our families and into the sometimes fickle love given by our peers.
And it is here that I have to diverge from the American public school thinking on self esteem. Is it possible that between the ages of 14 - 19, or beyond, our self-esteem is not as much dependent on what the sociologist Charles Cooley called "the looking glass self" (feedback given us by peers, parents, and society at large), but upon the choices we make and the attitudes we adopt?
What I mean is this: You know when you are worthless, guilty, in the wrong - you don't need someone to tell you. When bad choices are made (flunking a class, running with the wrong crowd, repeatedly disobeying orders, not living up to potential), you are in essence undermining your own self-esteem - no one did that to you, you did it to yourself.
Ok, I can hear what you are thinking, so let me elaborate just a little more. I can't give a student self-esteem, for instance - that is something developed through competencies and personal successes. Kids can tell when compliments paid them by the faculty are false or undeserved. These actually make kids feel worse, not better. What I can do is direct a student toward developing good self-esteem by loving him/her unconditionally while helping him/her develop competencies, make right choices, and experience success, no matter how small or large. This is the same function the parent should play in the home.
Psychologist, Nathaniel Branden outlined what self-esteem is in his The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem way back in 1994. No one has listened to him, at least not the schools, not even post-Columbine. Studies have shown time and again that high teen self-esteem leads to violent acts such as rape, bullying, or school shootings much more than low self-esteem. Jason Katz, a counselor of troubled male teens and author of Tough Guise, points out that boys who believe they are better than everyone else (high self-esteem) are more prone to violent acts than those with moderate to low self esteem, for the very reason that their inflated egos need to demean those below them who have snubbed them.
If all this feel-good high self-esteem is not good for us, then what is? Branden defines healthy self-esteem as
1.)confidence in our ability to think; confidence to cope with the basic life challenges and 2.)confidence in our right to be happy and successful, feel worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
How to achieve this kind of self-esteem, then? Branden gives his six pillars and I add what parents can do to help a teen begin to develop a healthy self image:
1. Live Consciously - that's difficult for a teenager, but with a great role model to follow (you), it will not be so difficult. Keep an active mind and take joy in being intelligent. Keep the long term goal in sight. See and correct your mistakes. Above all, keep learning. Learn from mistakes, learn everything from the Pythagorean Theorem to how to bake a cake - everything you learn is a competency that increases your chances at success.
2. Practice Self-Acceptance - again, talking with your teen and keeping the lines of communication open can go a long ways toward deterring the habit of your teen's being self-critical. Also, if you accept your teen (to a certain extent - remember, we hate bad behavior, not the child), they will be more likely to accept themselves, too.
3. Practice Self-Responsibility - help your teen make choices that will direct him/her toward achieving desires and upholding values.
4. Practice Self-Assertiveness - wow, a hard one with teens if you have a really quiet and shy child. Somehow, though, you have to help your child stand up for him/herself. You don't want to turn your child into the school bully, but you do want your child to know he or she has as much right to exist as the next person.
5. Practice Living Purposely - ok, kids don't even know what their purpose is yet, but that's your purpose - to help direct them, as Chrissie has said, toward finding their focus. You can also help your child understand how to set goals and take action to achieve those goals. Again, you are the prime role model, you and the teachers you have chosen for your child. You want it to be you, rather than their friends who may also be clueless. Another reason to also promote your child's having good friends.
And,
6. Practice Personal Integrity - this is a biggie, and all other things being equal, I think this is where most teens and adults get bogged down. As I said earlier, we have to act in accordance with our values. When we don't - teen or adult - we are hacking away at the roots of our self-esteem. Branden says that if we say "only I will know" about my bad behavior, then we are saying our opinions of ourselves do not matter, and that's the worst self-esteem buster of all. Think about what you may have inadvertently taught your child if you have ever said something in front of him/her like "I'm going to buy this really expensive purse, but don't tell dad (or mom - oh, well not the purse, change that to chain saw or something...)." Everyone has probably said that at one time or another, but if you make a living out of those kinds of statements, you are teaching your child to lie, deceive, prevaricate, and undermine the one opinion that really means anything - their own.
This high self-esteem policy is starting to have a backlash. It had reached ridiculous proportions with some high schools disbanding National Honor Society or other academic recognition because it might hurt the self-esteem of the teens who don't make the grade. But, learning to deal with adversity, learning to deal with the fact that someone will always be better than we are is an essential life skill we are robbing our students and children of by overprotecting them. It is creating a generation of willful, narcissistic people who believe no one has the right to tell them what to do. Scary.
Studies also show that the best leaders, the most respected people of our time, did not have high self-esteem, but rather only moderate, filled with self-doubt, but not lacking in personal integrity, self-responsibility, self-acceptance, or living consciously. You can help your teen achieve self-actualization by continuing to offer unconditional love and the opportunities to practice Branden's six pillars of self-esteem. Remember your final product - a competent person who is proud of what he/she has achieved, capable of continuing toward self-actualization and realizing his/her dreams, even long after you are gone.
Now that's something to feel good about.