All in Due Time

Whatever your politics, Sarah Palin has been a fascinating study in an American Family. The Palin's share reversed roles, a special needs child, a working Mom, an outdoor and rugged lifestyle, a large family, and of course, the pregnancy of a teenage daughter. I am personally encouraged that the young couple is planning a wedding, prior to the birth of the child. "My baby's Daddy", a current gag line for countless comedians, is a sad comment on the state of parenthood and family today. Teen pregnancy is a tough thing to face. I don't think the Palin's or any other family would trade the choices available for not having to face the options in the first place

Preteen Years (9-13), Teen Pregnancy

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed recent research about parental influences on children's sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents themselves. Good news. From these sources, it is clear that there is much parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of kids becoming pregnant before they've grown up.

Presented here as "Ten Tips". Many of these lessons will seem familiar because they articulate what parents already know from experience - like the importance of maintaining strong, close relationships with children and teens, setting clear expectations for them, and communicating honestly and often with them about important matters.

1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.
Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. You must first clarify your own attitudes and values so you can articulate them to your child.

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific.
Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child's life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this - you know, "the talk".The truth is that parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers, incidentally. All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don't appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won't worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you'll always be able to talk again.

In addition to being an "askable parent," be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember, too, that your own behavior should match your words. The "do as I say, not as I do" approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.

3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.
Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children's friends and their families.
Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different-but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions.

5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating.
Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know your strong feelings about this throughout childhood-don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is.
Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl-sometimes they even have money and a car to boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.
The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. . Explain how becoming pregnant-or causing pregnancy-can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let your kids know that you value education highly.
Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school and get involved PTA and other activities.

9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to.
The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate"-think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.

Preteen Years (9-13), Teen Pregnancy

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect.

A final note: It's never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don't underestimate the great need that children feel-at all ages-for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents' guidance, approval, and support.

Mother - Daughter Time

The Communication Coordinator for Girl Scouts of Western Oklahoma asked me to share details about a special event that is being offered to all girls, age 10-17 . It is a two day Conference for girls and their Mothers', held on the UCO campus Friday, November 7th and Saturday, November 8th. It is a jam packed weekend for tweens and teens.

The weekend begins with a Mother/Daughter Dance on Friday evening. There will be everything from a DJ to a Dessert Bar, to great door prizes and a fashion show. Disney Network's Jody Shilling will be on hand to sign autographs and for pictures. Saturday is a jam packed day of fabulous break out sessions, inspirational speakers and lots of hands-on activities. From "Personality Portraits' to "Bullying in a Girl's World", to "Be Loud and Proud", to "Social Drama" to "Teens and Divorce", there are over 50 sessions to choose from. Moms have a great opportunity to quiz an expert in a session entitled, "What's Happening to my Daughter?", led by Carter Townsend, Psy. D. Oklahoma's own Miss America, Lauren Nelson, is the guest speaker at lunch in the UCO ballroom.

Why not make the weekend a special one for you and your daughter? Invite a friend and her Mother and share a hotel room. After the dance, stay up late and get to know each other again. All the information can be found at http://www.gswestok.org/, including registration, hotel and session details.

Where: Nigh University Center, UCO Campus, Edmond, OK

Cost: $25 per person from October 1-27, 2008.

Description: A two-day statewide conference designed for all girls (age 10-17) and their mothers to learn balance of mind, body and spirit through wellness, health education, self-esteem, girl and parent communication, and the benefits of incorporating the arts into daily life. Keynote speakers are Jodi Shilling (OK Actress) and Lauren Nelson (2007 Miss America). There are over 50 breakout sessions focusing on wellness, health, self-esteem, leadership, tween and teen issues, parent support and the arts.

Ages: All girls ages 10-17 and their mom or female guardian.

Min./Max.: 250 minimum; 500 maximum

Deadline to Register: October 27

What Girls and Moms Need Most
Moving into the tween and teen years seems to affect how girls think and feel. That happy little 9-year-old with lots of ideas has turned into a moody 10 or 11-year-old with an attitude, and family members don’t know what to do! Girls in Oklahoma have a higher risk of giving birth as a teenager, suffering from childhood obesity, living with a smoker, and dropping out of high school.
This tween & teen conference will address issues important to girls and their moms, including:
Self-Esteem
Girl/Parent Communications
Teen Pregnancy
Health & Wellness Education
Healthy Body Image
Breast Cancer Education/Breast Health
Establishing Boundaries
Connecting Values with Behavior
Navigating Your Parents' Divorce
What Happens When My Child Gets in Trouble
Emotional, Social and Physical Development

Tween Conference Sponsors Include:
Integris Health, Susan G. Koman Foundation, Tyler Media, Excellence in Fashion,
Party Galaxy, Monterey Decorations, CDC Office of Women’s Health
Girl Scouts-Western Oklahoma

http://www.gswestok.org/
Thanks to Communications Coordinator Ms. Wagner, for including girls in our part of the state!

Phoenix Rising

I was supposed to go to the Azar Nafisi lecture with Mrs. Owens, Mrs. Sholes, and Ms. Yorman, but I got sick instead. Fortunately, Mrs. Owens's friend, Emily, took some really good notes.

Nafisi, who has also been a professor at the University of Oklahoma, wrote Reading Lolita in Tehran, a commentary about a women's book group (except for one male student) that read banned Western classics during the Ayatollah's regime, just before Nafisi fled to the U.S.

I think we should listen to someone who has fled to the United States. An objective opinion never hurts. Here's what she said, gleaned from the wonderful notes I received:

She introduced the ideas of culture and democracy by describing the challenge of news media in America. She described having all news on so many different channels (stations, cable, etc.) from different perspectives (liberal, conservative, democratic, republican, etc.) and in different formats (television, radio, podcasts, internet). She said this is a good thing, because it is an example of democracy: many voices, many choices. In democracy, you get all things and the freedom to choose among them.
The problem, she said, in this example is that along side the news is presented pop culture. While it is important to share cultural things, and while pop culture has its place in communicating and expressing... in our country these things are presented alongside news itself. This means that it becomes confusing what is real, what is fact, and what is entertainment.
She said this kind of information overload brings numbness rather than knowledge. And when we are numb, we cease to make choices. And when we lack knowledge, we cease to realize we are not making choices. So we in living out the numbness, grow in apathy. And in our apathy, we cease to make choices. And when we quit making choices, we lose democracy itself.
She said information for the purpose of knowledge is different because it humbles you. In learning new things, we learn also what we do not know.

Nafisi said so much more, not in criticism of a country that has welcomed her (she is currently a guest lecturer at Johns Hopkins), but in critically thinking about what has and what is happening to our country.

I bring all this up because of its impact on teenagers. Just this week I read Joseph Farrah's article about a teenager sending nude pictures of herself to friends over the phone. It never even occurred to this kid that what she did was wrong. How could it? She lives in a culture where everywhere one turns selling sex makes millions of dollars, and I am not referring to prostitution. Last night, by chance flipping channels, I encountered full frontal nudity on HBO in the comedy Walk Hard - the same actor as in Tallageda Nights, so I was expecting a similar, albeit dumb, thing. I was so happy I didn't have a small child, or even a teenager sitting next to me! I don't want to be a moralist, but I am left wondering, have we lost our minds? This teen may get labeled as a sex offender, but the director of Walk Hard gets millions in profit? If it made that much...

Then I read Forgetting the Past, an article citing noted historian David McCullough's acceptance speech at the National Book Award. He said he asked history students in a seminar at one of our country's best Ivy League schools if they knew who George Marshall was, and silence. Not one had even heard of him or could even place him in an historical era. The author also cites a classroom in Minneapolis that chose John Lennon and Yoko Ono as their most interesting historical figure. And another example of his daughter's Spanish class learning global recycling terms, rather than conversational material. Recycling is great, but how many times will you find yourself in Mexico or Spain wanting to say, "What about this global warming?"

Now, there are those who might label this kind of thinking reactionary. I believe in the future and in our children and want to remain calm and keep things in perspective. And then I remember that nation-wide 80% of all students don't make it to graduation. Thousands of young people can't get the irony in the fact that Angelina Jolie has a Che Guevara tat and also won the U.N.'s Global Humanitarian Award (Guevara said, "A Revolutionary must be a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate." Funny, I don't remember any of our Founding Fathers making that statement, and yet they pulled off one of the world's most important and long lasting revolutions in government and in advancing human thought.).

Which brings me to the end of Nafisi's lecture. She said (transcripted by Emily) we came to America to have the freedom to choose to worship our religions the way we wanted to as individuals. We fought slavery and Harriet Beecher Stowe went to England to share her story, and her husband had to read her speeches because women were not allowed to speak in public. Switzerland only gave women the right to vote in the 70's. The Native Americans - we know that story. How is it our progress has been so much, so far, and now we are silent? Because we are choosing to be numb. And our numb-ness will cost us choice and voice. And this makes us silent.
She said but we need to pay attention. All these rights we so enjoy have only come to pass fully in the last 50 years. We cannot forget the sacrifices we have made for our freedoms, and cannot remain silent - She said that if you want to know about other cultures, you should go to their scientists and philosophers and poets and artists and musicians... because they are the ones who communicate culture.
Lives are not saved by art expression in and of itself, but the idea is that when we see fellow humans commit such atrocities, when you think you yourself are capable of such atrocities, then you become ashamed of being human. It makes you doubt humanity. Art, literature, music, philosophy, and science bring us back to the places where we have the right to celebrate being an individual beyond what we have experienced... they are expressions of our voice, and that is how humanity is saved... by being able to have a voice, and thus choose, what saves them and how.

I am hoping, and will continue to hope, that the school children who chose John Lennon as the greatest historical figure in American history, chose him because he imagined a different way for humanity, a peaceful, sane way, like a Phoenix rising. I am also going to hope their vision is tempered by the reality of history in remembering the hatred of Stalin, Hitler, and even Che. But more importantly, I hope they have the critical thinking skills necessary to see the difference between those men and George Marshall. If they even know who George Marshall was.

So Nice To Meet You

I am directing this year's Christmas production for Muskogee Little Theatre. The play is "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever", a show guaranteed to instill holiday spirit and mistletoe sprigged warm fuzzies. If you are not familiar with the show, it has children in it. Young children, medium children and teen children. Lots of children. Talented and disciplined children with a strong work ethic and an understanding of individual effort for the common good.

Auditions are over and a director's prayers were answered. There was so much talent on the stage, it was very difficult to choose my cast. All those bright smiling faces. All those eager and ready young actors. We had to choose 30 kids from 78 auditions. How I hate this part!

I do believe the audition process is one way to gain confidence. Standing before an audience is good practice for standing before college recruiters, potential employers, political opponents and perky news reporters. Stage experience is one way to learn to think on your feet, expand boundaries and handle any situation.

Dale Carnegie believed that learning to speak in public was the way to win friends and influence people. I agree. High School Speech Class used to be a right of passage for all students. It is no longer a popular elective and fewer kids take advantage of the class. It's a pity. Not only do students learn to present themselves well- they learn to organize ideas, support opinions, evoke emotion and influence others. Speech is a good class to take. Strongly encourage the teen in your life to take advantage of all this subject has to offer.

Youth need to know how to present themselves in the best possible light. How to look someone in the eye. What a firm handshake is. How to make an introduction. They need to speak clearly and articulate ideas. Proper posture and body language is a deal maker. For a lucky few, this comes naturally, for the rest of us, this is an acquired art. An art that can be learned.

There are many ways to gain experience. Performance arts like choir, band, theatre or dance are great confidence builders. Public speaking opportunities through church, school and co-curricular activities train kids to think on their feet. Encourage your teen to run for offices, head up committees and to join clubs. Lots of schools have Broadcasting studios. FFA has an excellent public speaking emphasis. Boys and Girls State is a fabulous opportunity for kids selected to participate. Both Boy and Girl Scouts offer leadership training and "best foot forward" people skills. It's a simple equation. More experience=More confidence= More success.

As a parent, don't be afraid to prod a little bit. Many kids hesitate to do anything that draws attention to themselves. Others don't see the time involved or the effort required as worth their attention. Oh- foolish young person. Constructive activities that offer life skills are always worth the time! Presenting yourself confidently and appearing self-assured could get you anywhere. Even running for president.

The Real Charles Schulz Philosophy

Every once in awhile an email comes along that makes sense. I don't usually forward emails, but this one, sent to me by a relative in California, seemed worthwhile. Then I looked it up on the Internet.

Unfortunately, according to Snopes and a couple of other spoil sports, this is not the work of Peanuts creator, Charles Schulz, who passed away a few years ago, but merely someone's ingenious quiz that has now been used by personal trainers, leadership trainers, business trainers, education, and bloggers, all attesting to its wisdom and popularity. Here is the premise:

The Charles Schulz Philosophy or Charlie Brown Philosophy - The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do? The point is, not many of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies... Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials... the most money...or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

I think what probably gets people about this quiz, making it popular, is this last line I've highlighted. In light of that, I'd like to add my own quiz. See how many points you can score:
1. List teachers you have aided on your children's journey through school.
2. Name three friends you have helped through a difficult time. Better yet, name three strangers you have helped.
3. Name five people to whom you have taught something worthwhile.
4. Think of all the people you have made feel special or appreciated, family, friends, acquaintances, strangers.

These are really the things for which there are no money, awards or kudos. If your answers to these questions form a long list, then the answer to question number five, think of all the people who enjoy spending time with you, is hopefully also long. You are simply one of the ones who cares the most. In the real words of the inimitable Charles Schulz, "You're a good man, Charlie Brown."

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Charles Schulz

Raising Kids Who Don't Smoke

It's all over the airwaves. A young boy's fishing trip is cut short when his anxious Father realizes he is out of dip and hastily ends the excursion. A teenage girl grimaces as her Mother tries to speak to her between coughing fits and then takes a drag off her cigarette. A hushed and grieving family gathers around a hospital bed and watches the respirator go up and down. The camera pans in on each young person, they look straight at the camera and the voice-over proclaims, Tobacco Stops with Me.

Public service announcements are fine but the main message needs to come from home. Here are some tips for parents to teach their kids about the dangers of smoking. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention conducted a national survey of tobacco use among 9-12th Graders. 22 % reported smoking cigarettes at least one day in a 30 day period. 14% reported smokeless tobacco use within the same time period. Get talking Mom and Dad!

1. Make your "No Tobacco" position clear. A no tobacco policy should be just as strictly emphasized as drugs and alcohol.

2. Look for signs of tobacco use. These include the smell of smoke, burn holes, packs of cigarettes or other packaging, bad breath and yellowish brown stains on the teeth. (This one seems a little obvious)

3. Don't assume that "good" kids aren't smoking or using smokeless tobacco products.

4. Let your child know that all forms of tobacco products have serious health risks. Many teens incorrectly assume that smokeless tobacco products are safer.

5. If you smoke, don't let that stop you from letting your kids know it is not OK. Use your own addiction to point out the pitfalls. Talk to them about the dangers of smoking.

Joe Campbell may be illegal, big tobacco can no longer target youth in their advertising, and it is harder to but a pack of cigarettes, but America's kids are still making the wrong choice regarding smoking. Parents must be pro-active in educating their children about the dangers and the risks. As the public service ads remind us-Talk. They'll listen.

Ruby Payne Workshop

Muskogee Public Schools will offer a free outreach program on understanding poverty at the Muskogee Public Library at 5:15 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 7. The workshop will be conducted by Heather Jones, MPS instructional coach and certified trainer for the program.

The workshop is based on the research into poverty done by Dr. Ruby Payne, who has synthesized the hidden rules of class with the reasons why some people can make it out of poverty.

Understanding poverty is important in Oklahoma because, even though the cost of living is cheap here, we still have a 15.9% poverty rate state-wide, 2.6 percent higher than the national average (OEA Focus). In Muskogee, the poverty rate rises to 20% according to statistics from the State of Oklahoma School Oversight Board. When we compare this with Edmond's poverty rate of 7.2%, we can see how this might be affecting our community. When we understand that business, industry, and education all work from middle class norms, we can see how important it is to create a fluency in our young people for dealing with and understanding people from upper, middle and lower classes, and when it is appropriate to use certain language and behaviors in various milieus.

Dr. Payne herself is scheduled to be the keynote speaker at the Oklahoma Education Association Convention held Oct. 16 at the Maybee Center. Her in-depth program will last the entire day. Non-OEA members and guests of OEA may register for $25.