Super Mom! Not.

School's out. Christmas is over. Everyone is home. "Put your clothes away!" "Stop fighting" "Can't you get up before noon?" "You're not going out like that are you?" You've done nothing but bark orders at your children from the moment they woke up, and you have had it. Finally, you snap at them, "I don't like you very much right now!" The minute the words escape your lips, you are consumed with guilt. "I'm a bad Mom?" But are you?

The idea that a "good mom" always feels positively toward her children, no matter how much they test her patience, is just one of the many myths of motherhood, says psychologist Diane Sanford, PhD, health expert for the APA. "Women tend to compare and measure themselves against unrealistic images and then feel they fall short." From ads that feature picture-perfect mothers, to bestselling books that promise a foolproof formula for raising exceptional kids, to celebrity moms who seem to do it all with ease, experts and mothers alike agree that "mythic" images are everywhere.

The next-door neighbor seems to have it all together - at least that's what many of us think. The truth is, our neighbor probably has the same skewed view of us. "The whole Superwoman idea has gotten stronger and is more oppressive than it has ever been," says Dr. Sanford. No joke Doctor Sanford! Mothers, much more than fathers, are supposed to know the "right" curfew, the "best" school, or most enriching activities. And since we don't, we worry that we're going to mess up our kids. Below are a couple of Mom Myth Busters to help dispel all those unreal expectations.

A Good Mom balances it all
Everyone knows at least one perfect mom . She is the one who brings the homemade cupcakes to the school Valentine party with each child's name artfully written in icing and outlined in tiny red hots. She arrives in her perfectly tailored business suit and closes a deal on her Blackberry as she mans the Bean Bag game (with heart shaped bean bags that she has sewn just for the party). She hands out soccer practice schedules to all the other Moms as she leaves in a cloud of perfume and gets into her immaculate hybrid car.

How does she do it? She doesn't. At least she does not do it without other sacrifices. A home so structured that is kept so perfectly is a home not lived in. Time spent on perfect presentations is not spent on time with the family. Doing it all is not necessarily doing it right. Besides, who knows what goes on when no one is looking? Frazzled, driven, unkempt- just like us. She is just not as open about it.

There's no virtue in pretending we can do it all - or breaking our neck trying to. All that does is up stress levels. In other cultures, women flock around a new mother to help ease the child-care burden. So we need to create our own village of friends and relatives, (and the part we Moms often forget, our husband), and take turns supporting each other to get chores done, tend to responsibilities and take a bit of downtime.

We also need to recognize our limitations and be willing to make some compromises. We may not be able to do everything on our list. That is OK. In fact, it's important. Get a little balance into your life. Do things for you. "What?" " Me?" Sure. You know how the flight attendant always says in an emergency to put the oxygen mask on you first, then onto your child? The reason is, if you pass out, you won't be able to help your child in the first place. While you have your hands full juggling the demands of life, you need to recharge your own batteries. Martyrs went out with the Dark Ages. A well-rounded Mother figure is much more positive for her family.

A Good Mom belongs to one big, supportive Moms Club
Nope. It unfortunate but sometimes we feel undermined by other parents. "You're not having Petunia take Interpretive dance this year?" Then...the look. "What do you mean you don't cook organic?" Then, the sigh. Remember, it's their problem. Not yours. Those who cling to the mom myths are less likely to be understanding of other moms. They are too frightened of the feeling that they may have made a wrong choice and so they can't support yours. Do what your Mom instinct tells you is best for you and your family.

Of course, not all mothers are critical or feel criticized. Surround yourself with positive and non- judgemental parents who live and let live. A support system is important. A judge and jury is not.

The upshot? Some moms will be supportive and others won't. The key to dealing with those who aren't is to understand where they're coming from. Maybe talk to your "critics." You may find that they are just trying to validate their own choices out of insecurity, or haven't shared their true feelings out of fear that you might judge them.

When it comes to mom myths of any kind, the bottom line is to trust your own mothering instincts. If one of those bad mom moments sneaks up on you, here's a good anecdote to make you feel better. A mom catches her son in a fib. Being the wise and wonderful matriarch, she gives him a lecture on trust and responsibility. Looking deep into his eyes, she repeats several times, "Now that you're 10 years old, you should know better." Her son listens respectfully, then says, "Uh Mom, I'm 11."

Happy New Year from Melony and Me. Here's to all good things in 2009. Chrissie

Play List for 2009

I don't normally recommend music to anyone for fear that they will think, "Oh dear Lord, she listens to THAT trash?" But, music can be a bridge between generations. Now, more than ever, the gap is actually bridegable in a way never imagined before.

I remember my father trying to make me appreciate Big Band music. No way. That was not going to happen in the burgeoning era of rock music that was diametrically opposed to Bing Crosby and was even tuning Elvis out. My dad also tried to point out that one or two of the Beatles' hits were remakes of songs from his high school days. Hmmm, that's interesting, I thought, but not all that interesting.

Now this kind of thinking is historical. Today it's known by many names - remixing, chopped and screwed - whatever you want to call it, generations and musicians cross over, and for a profit in more ways than one. Both the older and the younger generations can appreciate each other, even though some of the new stuff is getting harder and harder for me to listen to (it sounds teeny bopper-ish, no matter what genre it is done in) and the old stuff is verging on not just classic, but downright antique.

Some blending of genrations that come to mind are, of course, most notably Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails, followed by Tony Bennett's MTV concert, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas together on Smooth and from there the list goes on and on and probably also involves Willie Nelson some way.

My own children are well versed in the "classics" - Jim, Janis, and Jimi, Marvin, Smoky, Sly, Van, Jerry and Bob. We don't even have to say their last names - we all know who they are. They are as much a part of U.S. history now as Stephen Foster or Scott Joplin are. In another 40 years, will Snoop and Axel, Prince and Mariah, Beyonce and Britni hold the same place in our common music heritage?

If you are trying to bond with your child through music, a word to the wise - buying a CD and suggesting he/she listen to it may not work, although I do wish I had my dad's Stan Kenton jazz album he tried to make me listen to in the 60's. Those CD's will be appreciated later, but that method takes too long to assimuilate.

Rather, serendipitous meetings of the minds over music occuring spontaneously often work out the best - barring actually having a family band and singing/playing together. Singing in the kitchen while cooking together, agreeing on something to listen to in the car (and, of course singing together), background music during a family event (like your uncle who makes everyone listen to The Marshall Tucker Band during the family poker game), having a family dance in the livingroom or at a wedding, coming across Ghostland Observatory just by chance while watching Austin City Limits with your son, taking your neice and her friend to a Red Hot Chili Peppers/Snoop concert as a high school graduation present, or sitting with your whole family in Bono's golden circle - those are the ways music is passed between generations. You don't have to be the Von Trapps, but there is a reason their story is so popular - music binds us like nothing else to places and events, people and the times we live in.

What's on your family playlist for 2009? Whatever it is, from Abba to Zappa and all things in between, I hope your background music is inspiring and uplifting in the New Year, filled with some old standards and new classics.

Blessed to be a Blessing

As parents, we try to make Christmas about family, friends, love, beliefs and traditions. As a family, we hope to instill in our children that the holiday is not about what we get, it is about being together and counting our blessings. It is difficult if not impossible to keep the abstract ideal of Christmas over the concrete reality of the holiday in America today. First and foremost December 25th seems more like we are celebrating commercialism, consumerism and all too often, over indulging our kids in the process.

Fortunately, The Committee to Encourage Corporate Philanthropy reports that there is a growing trend of people giving to charities at the holidays - either by making donations in someone's name or by stocking up on gifts from places who donate their proceeds.

In fact, hundreds of thousands of dollars can be collected even when individuals spend just a small amount on an individual gift. So maybe it's time to drag our kids away from their video games, mp3 players, and other expensive toys and teach them a life lesson about helping those less fortunate than they are.

Some great places to look:

http://www.heifer.org - Help families across the globe by sending not just heifers, but milk, honeybees, or wool.

http://www.supportunicef.org/ - Unicef accepts donations and also sells holiday cards and gifts to help children in need

httpdr;//awbridges-tore.stores.yahoo.net/cards.html -awbridge sells all-occasion cards made by children without homes

http://www.ebaygivingworks.com/ - Ebay Giving Works allows you to support nonprofit organizations by purchasing a wide variety of items through Ebay auctions

http://shop.stjude.org/ - Buy gifts online and support St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital

http://www.charitymall.com/ - Buy the items you normally buy through your favorite stores online and a portion of the proceeds goes to fund cancer research

http://www.charitygiftcertificates.org/ - CharityChoice gift cards allow the recipient to donate to up to 3 charities of their choice.

Two local non-profits that help Muskogee's children are Kid Space and CASA. Children in protective custody or in the court system have a safe place and an advocate. Monarch Inc. has Mothers trying to get their lives straightened out and children who through no fault of their own are involved in the process. These kids are waiting for Santa Claus too. The Salvation Army still needs help with their Angel Tree children. Any church can take donations for the Community Food Pantry. Habitat For Humanity always can use a helping hand. The Red Cross serves needs locally and beyond. The "Give Back" list just goes on and on. There are lots of places to give. Make your choice a family decision. Choose the one that speaks to you and your family.

Merriest of Christmases * Health, Prosperity and Blessings in 2009

Real Genius

In keeping with the uplifting motif of the holiday season, I'm hyperlinking the NPR story about amazing seven-year-old piano prodigy, Ethan Bortnick. This is really worthy of a listen or re-listen, if you caught it on Saturday's broadcast. A couple of columns back I asked, what if Mozart had never heard a piano or violin. We can also ask, what if Ethan Bortnick had never heard Mozart?

Ethan told his mom and dad at the age of three that he wanted piano lessons. They laughed. After he listened to all the pieces of Mozart's "Alla Turca" and started playing them by ear, his parents changed their minds. They initially thought Ethan had turned on the stereo, but to their surprise, their tiny 3 year old was the pianist. Ethan has composed 30 songs and has appeared with Beyonce, Santana, Nelly Furtado, The Pointer Sisters, and others. He has now turned to jazz composition.

Likewise, now 15-year-old Matt Savage has been a jazz prodigy since he was nine. His story is remarkable because at the age of three Matt, who has a form of autism, cringed at the sound of music. Througy medication, diet and counseling, Matt overcame his noise phobia and became drawn to the complex rhythms inherent in jazz. He has already played with Dave Brubeck, Chick Corea, and Clark Terry. He was featured in Part III of Beautiful Minds - A Voyage into the Brain.

In a recent column I discussed the Rule of 10,000 Hours. Real genius defies this rule. It is an amazing gift that should be recognized, valued, and nurtured by parents and teachers. If you have a gifted child, the best present you can give him or her this holiday season is your attention to developing that gift to its fullest potential by finding every opportunity for your child to practice his/her art with the most skilled and competent teachers available. (This rule goes for normal students, as well.)

Be aware that all the time and energy you invest may not pan out in the long run. Other interests, meeting one's maximum potential at an early age, or burn out are all a possibility. But, your child will have a set of skills that will never leave him/her. As long as balance is maintained in other areas, you will help your child grow into a competent and confident person with you as his/her biggest fan. That's real parenting genius.

Happy Holidays and a Wonderful, Prosperous New Year to all our readers!

Five Golden RIngs

It has been an unsettling year. The topsy-turvy economy has many of us afraid to open our mail or turn on the television. The world as we knew it 6 months ago seems light-years away. When times are uncertain, things that stay the same are reassuring and comforting. Could there be anything more comforting than the traditions and symbols of Christmas? Friends and Family. A decorated tree. Cut-out cookies with icing and sprinkles. Children on Santa's lap. Christmas Eve Service. Christmas Carols. Joy to the World. Silent Night. Hark the Herald Angels Sing. And of course, the traditional carol heard in every mall and elevator in America, The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Have you ever wondered what in the world the lyrics mean? Leaping Lords? French Hens? Swimming Swans? What does that Partridge perched in the Pear Tree have to do with Christmas? The information came my way this year and I thought I would share it. Similar to the orgin of nursery rhymes, it turns out The Twelve Days of Christmas is a political statement.

Remember the little problem Henry VIII had with the Roman Catholic Church? He wanted to divorce Katherine of Aragon to marry the fetching and hopefully fertile Anne Boleyn. The Pope ixnaid the divorce, so Henry tossed Catholicism out of Britain and replaced it with the Church of England. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.

The Carol has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke &
John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the
Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--
Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace,Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of be Apostles Creed

Who knew we were making a political statement all these years? Enough history.Take a deep breath. Christmas is coming!

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

A former student, whose name and age I will not divulge here, but whom I still adore just as much as when she was in high school in the '80's, sent me this wonderful email. I had seen it before, but it is worth re-reading from time to time. It is directed at parents, but as our children become adolescents, they move from observing what we do to observing the behavior of other adult role models. Let's hope they are looking at someone good!

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I it made me want to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

Is It Beginning to Look a Lot Like..........?

I took the pumpkins off my front porch yesterday. The gourds that seemed so appropriate just a week ago were jarringly out of place this weekend. To the compost they went. My plucky Angel Wing Begonias had a hard week. It finally got cold enough to nip the little darlings "in the bud" so to speak. The slimy and discolored vegetation bore no resemblance to the exuberant flowers that still bloomed Thanksgiving. Out they went, to be replaced with holly boughs and pine branches.

This Christmas just snuck up on me. I understand we have one less week between Thanksgiving and Christmas his year and I'm feeling it! That breathing week between the two holidays is a luxury. Time to get the pilgrims off the mantel and the Christmas china into the cupboard. The bonus week gets the left-over turkey and dressing out of the fridge before the Christmas baking starts and the Fruit Baskets start arriving from out of town friends. I miss this breathing room week!

It's not that I didn't know that Christmas was coming. I am directing a play at Muskogee Little Theatre called The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and have been hanging garland and decorating Christmas trees for the last two months. Of course, all the decorations were on the stage. Poinsettias and my creche scene decorate the foyer of MLT, not my living room. I was shopping for cast mementos, not Christmas presents. I loved every second of preparing for this delightful play, but it is time to catch up with Christmas!

So, Sunday evening, no matter what, the Christmas Tree was going up. My granddaughter has been a little put out that the tree at Oh-Mommy and An-Daddy's was conspicuously absent. Her tree had been up since Thanksgiving weekend. They have baked things already. Presents are actually wrapped and under their tree. Who raised her organized Mother?

We lured said parents and grandchildren over with steaks on the grill and Caesar Salad. The boxes of ornaments were stacked and ready. The lights on the tree were twinkling, encouraging participation. No surprises. The men sat in front of the television, watching the Bowl announcements (GO OU!) and the women and children decorated the waiting evergreen.

Our own little Christmas miracle happened as we began to hang ornaments on the tree. It started with a generic looking Santa that Annebelle pulled out of a box. Annie shared that she had received him at a gift exchange in elementary school and liked it to opening a pair of socks. We laughed at the famous Q-Tip and notebook paper reindeer and the plastic angel with extra eyes that always graced my own childhood tree. Radko works of art hang side by side with pipe cleaner snowmen and plastic frames of my children on yet another Santa's lap at the mall. Hanging those Polaroid photographs of our children and their friends is always precious to me. Eight year old Ward in a cast, four year old Tom with two mis-matched socks, Catherine at five, holding her Wish List in her hand, and young friends in the picture that are still dear friends today.

Something I had been seeing as a chore turned out to be one of those life "moments". As three generations decorated the Christmas tree, at the same time an oral history of our family was shared with its newest member. Stories and anecdotes that link the yesterdays with the todays. Memories and traditions that link today with tomorrow. My Mother and my Grandmothers and my Aunts were there last night, as Annebelle hung her heritage on the branches. She will grow up with the stories and she will grow up with the love. Love that transcends lifetimes. Love that continues through those that follow. Children are the link in the chain that guarantees who we are a s a family will continue.

Every Christmas, my husband, Warren, lifted one daughter and then another to hang an angel at the top of the tree. I have years of pictures as they reach to place her on the highest bough. The angel is kind of raggedy as she also hung on my childhood tree. Mother brought her to Annie one Christmas season years ago, and when the the little doll is given the place of honor at the top, it signals the tree is complete. Sunday night, Annebelle's Daddy lifted her to place the angel where she always belongs. I knew my Mother, Shirley Ann, was smiling.as she watched her great-grandchild. I too was smiling, with a few sappy tears thrown in for good measure.

Nobody Likes Me

When all my kids were home, the chaos never bothered me. Extra places set for dinner when friends showed up, quilts and pillows all over bedrooms to accommodate sleep-overs, locating keys to move the 3 cars parked behind mine, empty cereal boxes and smashed coke cans- these were all good things. They were all indicators to me that my kids had friends and that our house was a place they wanted to be. I would have been concerned if the phone had not been ringing off the wall.

It is heartbreaking if your child is an outsider. These are the kids that when were younger, no one picked them for games. They weren't invited to birthday parties. No one called to meet at the movies or the skating rink. They looked different, they tried to hard, they didn't try at all, they acted goofy, they acted out, they stood apart, they said the wrong things. The question is, can a parent "fix" this?

Stacy DeBroff at www.momcentral.com offers insight into helping our kids fit in. This nationally recognized parenting expert has great tips to aid parents in helping their children feel accepted and part of a group.

Teaching good social skills is especially important for kids who have difficulty making or maintaining friendships. Often these children are difficult to get along with,have short tempers, difficulty cooperating with others, or have trouble responding correctly to social cues. You know these people. They stand to close. They don't follow conversations. They say the wrong things. Teaching good social skills and appropriate behavior is especially important for kids who just don't seem to be finding their niche or fitting in.

*Rejection and alienation by peers in childhood often carries serious emotional baggage well into adulthood. Without intervention, these children experience low self-esteem that can last a lifetime. They are at a much higher risk for issues like depression, and behavior problems.

*If she brings up her feelings of anxiety, make sure to listen and
validate her viewpoint. Listening techniques like repeating back or
rephrasing what she's saying are especially useful, as they let her know you're listening and act as a mirror for her to reflect on his thoughts in a constructive way. Avoid trying to deflect her thoughts to something else, saying that she has
no need to be concerned, or telling him what he should be feeling.

*Get proactive. Encourage your teen to get involved in extracurricular activities, to volunteer where other kids are working together, get active in youth groups at church, focus and develop talents and passions, join anything and everything that makes her part of something.

*Know what is in your power to do and what isn't. You can't engineer a place for your child on the social ladder, and you can't supply him/her with the sense of belonging that peers provide .

*Remind your teen that although friends can help us to discover
our social identity, finding our personal identity will continue long past middle school. Ultimately it is not his friends or even you that can provide him with that answer.

*Cliques come into being at every middle and high school around the country. In this transition period to young adulthood, your child is making steps to find his identity. This often means separating himself from you, and defining him-her/self in the social world. The move from familial attachment to social independence is a natural and healthy one, marking his steps into adulthood. Cliques become a social mirror. By identifying with a certain group and adopting a set of status and group admission markers, like dress,hobbies and attitudes, she is taking on a way to define herself.

* The need to fit in emerges along with acne and facial hair. Cliques
offer a feeling of security and support in the minefield of middle school
years. Though the clique itself is rife with its own dangers, the feeling of being in an exclusive group and the closely-knit nature of the pack offers your child the validation he is so desperately seeking.

* The influence of cliques begins to wane as late adolescence comes along. Though high school is filled with subdivisions of students, teens are able to move more freely between different groups. This is the good news.

* Finally, family life should offer security that your child can carry with
him into his other spheres. Make your home a safe haven for your child to express himself. Empty cereal boxes and all!