Super Mom! Not.

School's out. Christmas is over. Everyone is home. "Put your clothes away!" "Stop fighting" "Can't you get up before noon?" "You're not going out like that are you?" You've done nothing but bark orders at your children from the moment they woke up, and you have had it. Finally, you snap at them, "I don't like you very much right now!" The minute the words escape your lips, you are consumed with guilt. "I'm a bad Mom?" But are you?

The idea that a "good mom" always feels positively toward her children, no matter how much they test her patience, is just one of the many myths of motherhood, says psychologist Diane Sanford, PhD, health expert for the APA. "Women tend to compare and measure themselves against unrealistic images and then feel they fall short." From ads that feature picture-perfect mothers, to bestselling books that promise a foolproof formula for raising exceptional kids, to celebrity moms who seem to do it all with ease, experts and mothers alike agree that "mythic" images are everywhere.

The next-door neighbor seems to have it all together - at least that's what many of us think. The truth is, our neighbor probably has the same skewed view of us. "The whole Superwoman idea has gotten stronger and is more oppressive than it has ever been," says Dr. Sanford. No joke Doctor Sanford! Mothers, much more than fathers, are supposed to know the "right" curfew, the "best" school, or most enriching activities. And since we don't, we worry that we're going to mess up our kids. Below are a couple of Mom Myth Busters to help dispel all those unreal expectations.

A Good Mom balances it all
Everyone knows at least one perfect mom . She is the one who brings the homemade cupcakes to the school Valentine party with each child's name artfully written in icing and outlined in tiny red hots. She arrives in her perfectly tailored business suit and closes a deal on her Blackberry as she mans the Bean Bag game (with heart shaped bean bags that she has sewn just for the party). She hands out soccer practice schedules to all the other Moms as she leaves in a cloud of perfume and gets into her immaculate hybrid car.

How does she do it? She doesn't. At least she does not do it without other sacrifices. A home so structured that is kept so perfectly is a home not lived in. Time spent on perfect presentations is not spent on time with the family. Doing it all is not necessarily doing it right. Besides, who knows what goes on when no one is looking? Frazzled, driven, unkempt- just like us. She is just not as open about it.

There's no virtue in pretending we can do it all - or breaking our neck trying to. All that does is up stress levels. In other cultures, women flock around a new mother to help ease the child-care burden. So we need to create our own village of friends and relatives, (and the part we Moms often forget, our husband), and take turns supporting each other to get chores done, tend to responsibilities and take a bit of downtime.

We also need to recognize our limitations and be willing to make some compromises. We may not be able to do everything on our list. That is OK. In fact, it's important. Get a little balance into your life. Do things for you. "What?" " Me?" Sure. You know how the flight attendant always says in an emergency to put the oxygen mask on you first, then onto your child? The reason is, if you pass out, you won't be able to help your child in the first place. While you have your hands full juggling the demands of life, you need to recharge your own batteries. Martyrs went out with the Dark Ages. A well-rounded Mother figure is much more positive for her family.

A Good Mom belongs to one big, supportive Moms Club
Nope. It unfortunate but sometimes we feel undermined by other parents. "You're not having Petunia take Interpretive dance this year?" Then...the look. "What do you mean you don't cook organic?" Then, the sigh. Remember, it's their problem. Not yours. Those who cling to the mom myths are less likely to be understanding of other moms. They are too frightened of the feeling that they may have made a wrong choice and so they can't support yours. Do what your Mom instinct tells you is best for you and your family.

Of course, not all mothers are critical or feel criticized. Surround yourself with positive and non- judgemental parents who live and let live. A support system is important. A judge and jury is not.

The upshot? Some moms will be supportive and others won't. The key to dealing with those who aren't is to understand where they're coming from. Maybe talk to your "critics." You may find that they are just trying to validate their own choices out of insecurity, or haven't shared their true feelings out of fear that you might judge them.

When it comes to mom myths of any kind, the bottom line is to trust your own mothering instincts. If one of those bad mom moments sneaks up on you, here's a good anecdote to make you feel better. A mom catches her son in a fib. Being the wise and wonderful matriarch, she gives him a lecture on trust and responsibility. Looking deep into his eyes, she repeats several times, "Now that you're 10 years old, you should know better." Her son listens respectfully, then says, "Uh Mom, I'm 11."

Happy New Year from Melony and Me. Here's to all good things in 2009. Chrissie

Play List for 2009

I don't normally recommend music to anyone for fear that they will think, "Oh dear Lord, she listens to THAT trash?" But, music can be a bridge between generations. Now, more than ever, the gap is actually bridegable in a way never imagined before.

I remember my father trying to make me appreciate Big Band music. No way. That was not going to happen in the burgeoning era of rock music that was diametrically opposed to Bing Crosby and was even tuning Elvis out. My dad also tried to point out that one or two of the Beatles' hits were remakes of songs from his high school days. Hmmm, that's interesting, I thought, but not all that interesting.

Now this kind of thinking is historical. Today it's known by many names - remixing, chopped and screwed - whatever you want to call it, generations and musicians cross over, and for a profit in more ways than one. Both the older and the younger generations can appreciate each other, even though some of the new stuff is getting harder and harder for me to listen to (it sounds teeny bopper-ish, no matter what genre it is done in) and the old stuff is verging on not just classic, but downright antique.

Some blending of genrations that come to mind are, of course, most notably Johnny Cash singing Nine Inch Nails, followed by Tony Bennett's MTV concert, Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas together on Smooth and from there the list goes on and on and probably also involves Willie Nelson some way.

My own children are well versed in the "classics" - Jim, Janis, and Jimi, Marvin, Smoky, Sly, Van, Jerry and Bob. We don't even have to say their last names - we all know who they are. They are as much a part of U.S. history now as Stephen Foster or Scott Joplin are. In another 40 years, will Snoop and Axel, Prince and Mariah, Beyonce and Britni hold the same place in our common music heritage?

If you are trying to bond with your child through music, a word to the wise - buying a CD and suggesting he/she listen to it may not work, although I do wish I had my dad's Stan Kenton jazz album he tried to make me listen to in the 60's. Those CD's will be appreciated later, but that method takes too long to assimuilate.

Rather, serendipitous meetings of the minds over music occuring spontaneously often work out the best - barring actually having a family band and singing/playing together. Singing in the kitchen while cooking together, agreeing on something to listen to in the car (and, of course singing together), background music during a family event (like your uncle who makes everyone listen to The Marshall Tucker Band during the family poker game), having a family dance in the livingroom or at a wedding, coming across Ghostland Observatory just by chance while watching Austin City Limits with your son, taking your neice and her friend to a Red Hot Chili Peppers/Snoop concert as a high school graduation present, or sitting with your whole family in Bono's golden circle - those are the ways music is passed between generations. You don't have to be the Von Trapps, but there is a reason their story is so popular - music binds us like nothing else to places and events, people and the times we live in.

What's on your family playlist for 2009? Whatever it is, from Abba to Zappa and all things in between, I hope your background music is inspiring and uplifting in the New Year, filled with some old standards and new classics.

Blessed to be a Blessing

As parents, we try to make Christmas about family, friends, love, beliefs and traditions. As a family, we hope to instill in our children that the holiday is not about what we get, it is about being together and counting our blessings. It is difficult if not impossible to keep the abstract ideal of Christmas over the concrete reality of the holiday in America today. First and foremost December 25th seems more like we are celebrating commercialism, consumerism and all too often, over indulging our kids in the process.

Fortunately, The Committee to Encourage Corporate Philanthropy reports that there is a growing trend of people giving to charities at the holidays - either by making donations in someone's name or by stocking up on gifts from places who donate their proceeds.

In fact, hundreds of thousands of dollars can be collected even when individuals spend just a small amount on an individual gift. So maybe it's time to drag our kids away from their video games, mp3 players, and other expensive toys and teach them a life lesson about helping those less fortunate than they are.

Some great places to look:

http://www.heifer.org - Help families across the globe by sending not just heifers, but milk, honeybees, or wool.

http://www.supportunicef.org/ - Unicef accepts donations and also sells holiday cards and gifts to help children in need

httpdr;//awbridges-tore.stores.yahoo.net/cards.html -awbridge sells all-occasion cards made by children without homes

http://www.ebaygivingworks.com/ - Ebay Giving Works allows you to support nonprofit organizations by purchasing a wide variety of items through Ebay auctions

http://shop.stjude.org/ - Buy gifts online and support St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital

http://www.charitymall.com/ - Buy the items you normally buy through your favorite stores online and a portion of the proceeds goes to fund cancer research

http://www.charitygiftcertificates.org/ - CharityChoice gift cards allow the recipient to donate to up to 3 charities of their choice.

Two local non-profits that help Muskogee's children are Kid Space and CASA. Children in protective custody or in the court system have a safe place and an advocate. Monarch Inc. has Mothers trying to get their lives straightened out and children who through no fault of their own are involved in the process. These kids are waiting for Santa Claus too. The Salvation Army still needs help with their Angel Tree children. Any church can take donations for the Community Food Pantry. Habitat For Humanity always can use a helping hand. The Red Cross serves needs locally and beyond. The "Give Back" list just goes on and on. There are lots of places to give. Make your choice a family decision. Choose the one that speaks to you and your family.

Merriest of Christmases * Health, Prosperity and Blessings in 2009

Real Genius

In keeping with the uplifting motif of the holiday season, I'm hyperlinking the NPR story about amazing seven-year-old piano prodigy, Ethan Bortnick. This is really worthy of a listen or re-listen, if you caught it on Saturday's broadcast. A couple of columns back I asked, what if Mozart had never heard a piano or violin. We can also ask, what if Ethan Bortnick had never heard Mozart?

Ethan told his mom and dad at the age of three that he wanted piano lessons. They laughed. After he listened to all the pieces of Mozart's "Alla Turca" and started playing them by ear, his parents changed their minds. They initially thought Ethan had turned on the stereo, but to their surprise, their tiny 3 year old was the pianist. Ethan has composed 30 songs and has appeared with Beyonce, Santana, Nelly Furtado, The Pointer Sisters, and others. He has now turned to jazz composition.

Likewise, now 15-year-old Matt Savage has been a jazz prodigy since he was nine. His story is remarkable because at the age of three Matt, who has a form of autism, cringed at the sound of music. Througy medication, diet and counseling, Matt overcame his noise phobia and became drawn to the complex rhythms inherent in jazz. He has already played with Dave Brubeck, Chick Corea, and Clark Terry. He was featured in Part III of Beautiful Minds - A Voyage into the Brain.

In a recent column I discussed the Rule of 10,000 Hours. Real genius defies this rule. It is an amazing gift that should be recognized, valued, and nurtured by parents and teachers. If you have a gifted child, the best present you can give him or her this holiday season is your attention to developing that gift to its fullest potential by finding every opportunity for your child to practice his/her art with the most skilled and competent teachers available. (This rule goes for normal students, as well.)

Be aware that all the time and energy you invest may not pan out in the long run. Other interests, meeting one's maximum potential at an early age, or burn out are all a possibility. But, your child will have a set of skills that will never leave him/her. As long as balance is maintained in other areas, you will help your child grow into a competent and confident person with you as his/her biggest fan. That's real parenting genius.

Happy Holidays and a Wonderful, Prosperous New Year to all our readers!

Five Golden RIngs

It has been an unsettling year. The topsy-turvy economy has many of us afraid to open our mail or turn on the television. The world as we knew it 6 months ago seems light-years away. When times are uncertain, things that stay the same are reassuring and comforting. Could there be anything more comforting than the traditions and symbols of Christmas? Friends and Family. A decorated tree. Cut-out cookies with icing and sprinkles. Children on Santa's lap. Christmas Eve Service. Christmas Carols. Joy to the World. Silent Night. Hark the Herald Angels Sing. And of course, the traditional carol heard in every mall and elevator in America, The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Have you ever wondered what in the world the lyrics mean? Leaping Lords? French Hens? Swimming Swans? What does that Partridge perched in the Pear Tree have to do with Christmas? The information came my way this year and I thought I would share it. Similar to the orgin of nursery rhymes, it turns out The Twelve Days of Christmas is a political statement.

Remember the little problem Henry VIII had with the Roman Catholic Church? He wanted to divorce Katherine of Aragon to marry the fetching and hopefully fertile Anne Boleyn. The Pope ixnaid the divorce, so Henry tossed Catholicism out of Britain and replaced it with the Church of England. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.

The Carol has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke &
John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the
Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--
Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace,Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of be Apostles Creed

Who knew we were making a political statement all these years? Enough history.Take a deep breath. Christmas is coming!

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

A former student, whose name and age I will not divulge here, but whom I still adore just as much as when she was in high school in the '80's, sent me this wonderful email. I had seen it before, but it is worth re-reading from time to time. It is directed at parents, but as our children become adolescents, they move from observing what we do to observing the behavior of other adult role models. Let's hope they are looking at someone good!

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you cared, and I it made me want to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'

Is It Beginning to Look a Lot Like..........?

I took the pumpkins off my front porch yesterday. The gourds that seemed so appropriate just a week ago were jarringly out of place this weekend. To the compost they went. My plucky Angel Wing Begonias had a hard week. It finally got cold enough to nip the little darlings "in the bud" so to speak. The slimy and discolored vegetation bore no resemblance to the exuberant flowers that still bloomed Thanksgiving. Out they went, to be replaced with holly boughs and pine branches.

This Christmas just snuck up on me. I understand we have one less week between Thanksgiving and Christmas his year and I'm feeling it! That breathing week between the two holidays is a luxury. Time to get the pilgrims off the mantel and the Christmas china into the cupboard. The bonus week gets the left-over turkey and dressing out of the fridge before the Christmas baking starts and the Fruit Baskets start arriving from out of town friends. I miss this breathing room week!

It's not that I didn't know that Christmas was coming. I am directing a play at Muskogee Little Theatre called The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and have been hanging garland and decorating Christmas trees for the last two months. Of course, all the decorations were on the stage. Poinsettias and my creche scene decorate the foyer of MLT, not my living room. I was shopping for cast mementos, not Christmas presents. I loved every second of preparing for this delightful play, but it is time to catch up with Christmas!

So, Sunday evening, no matter what, the Christmas Tree was going up. My granddaughter has been a little put out that the tree at Oh-Mommy and An-Daddy's was conspicuously absent. Her tree had been up since Thanksgiving weekend. They have baked things already. Presents are actually wrapped and under their tree. Who raised her organized Mother?

We lured said parents and grandchildren over with steaks on the grill and Caesar Salad. The boxes of ornaments were stacked and ready. The lights on the tree were twinkling, encouraging participation. No surprises. The men sat in front of the television, watching the Bowl announcements (GO OU!) and the women and children decorated the waiting evergreen.

Our own little Christmas miracle happened as we began to hang ornaments on the tree. It started with a generic looking Santa that Annebelle pulled out of a box. Annie shared that she had received him at a gift exchange in elementary school and liked it to opening a pair of socks. We laughed at the famous Q-Tip and notebook paper reindeer and the plastic angel with extra eyes that always graced my own childhood tree. Radko works of art hang side by side with pipe cleaner snowmen and plastic frames of my children on yet another Santa's lap at the mall. Hanging those Polaroid photographs of our children and their friends is always precious to me. Eight year old Ward in a cast, four year old Tom with two mis-matched socks, Catherine at five, holding her Wish List in her hand, and young friends in the picture that are still dear friends today.

Something I had been seeing as a chore turned out to be one of those life "moments". As three generations decorated the Christmas tree, at the same time an oral history of our family was shared with its newest member. Stories and anecdotes that link the yesterdays with the todays. Memories and traditions that link today with tomorrow. My Mother and my Grandmothers and my Aunts were there last night, as Annebelle hung her heritage on the branches. She will grow up with the stories and she will grow up with the love. Love that transcends lifetimes. Love that continues through those that follow. Children are the link in the chain that guarantees who we are a s a family will continue.

Every Christmas, my husband, Warren, lifted one daughter and then another to hang an angel at the top of the tree. I have years of pictures as they reach to place her on the highest bough. The angel is kind of raggedy as she also hung on my childhood tree. Mother brought her to Annie one Christmas season years ago, and when the the little doll is given the place of honor at the top, it signals the tree is complete. Sunday night, Annebelle's Daddy lifted her to place the angel where she always belongs. I knew my Mother, Shirley Ann, was smiling.as she watched her great-grandchild. I too was smiling, with a few sappy tears thrown in for good measure.

Nobody Likes Me

When all my kids were home, the chaos never bothered me. Extra places set for dinner when friends showed up, quilts and pillows all over bedrooms to accommodate sleep-overs, locating keys to move the 3 cars parked behind mine, empty cereal boxes and smashed coke cans- these were all good things. They were all indicators to me that my kids had friends and that our house was a place they wanted to be. I would have been concerned if the phone had not been ringing off the wall.

It is heartbreaking if your child is an outsider. These are the kids that when were younger, no one picked them for games. They weren't invited to birthday parties. No one called to meet at the movies or the skating rink. They looked different, they tried to hard, they didn't try at all, they acted goofy, they acted out, they stood apart, they said the wrong things. The question is, can a parent "fix" this?

Stacy DeBroff at www.momcentral.com offers insight into helping our kids fit in. This nationally recognized parenting expert has great tips to aid parents in helping their children feel accepted and part of a group.

Teaching good social skills is especially important for kids who have difficulty making or maintaining friendships. Often these children are difficult to get along with,have short tempers, difficulty cooperating with others, or have trouble responding correctly to social cues. You know these people. They stand to close. They don't follow conversations. They say the wrong things. Teaching good social skills and appropriate behavior is especially important for kids who just don't seem to be finding their niche or fitting in.

*Rejection and alienation by peers in childhood often carries serious emotional baggage well into adulthood. Without intervention, these children experience low self-esteem that can last a lifetime. They are at a much higher risk for issues like depression, and behavior problems.

*If she brings up her feelings of anxiety, make sure to listen and
validate her viewpoint. Listening techniques like repeating back or
rephrasing what she's saying are especially useful, as they let her know you're listening and act as a mirror for her to reflect on his thoughts in a constructive way. Avoid trying to deflect her thoughts to something else, saying that she has
no need to be concerned, or telling him what he should be feeling.

*Get proactive. Encourage your teen to get involved in extracurricular activities, to volunteer where other kids are working together, get active in youth groups at church, focus and develop talents and passions, join anything and everything that makes her part of something.

*Know what is in your power to do and what isn't. You can't engineer a place for your child on the social ladder, and you can't supply him/her with the sense of belonging that peers provide .

*Remind your teen that although friends can help us to discover
our social identity, finding our personal identity will continue long past middle school. Ultimately it is not his friends or even you that can provide him with that answer.

*Cliques come into being at every middle and high school around the country. In this transition period to young adulthood, your child is making steps to find his identity. This often means separating himself from you, and defining him-her/self in the social world. The move from familial attachment to social independence is a natural and healthy one, marking his steps into adulthood. Cliques become a social mirror. By identifying with a certain group and adopting a set of status and group admission markers, like dress,hobbies and attitudes, she is taking on a way to define herself.

* The need to fit in emerges along with acne and facial hair. Cliques
offer a feeling of security and support in the minefield of middle school
years. Though the clique itself is rife with its own dangers, the feeling of being in an exclusive group and the closely-knit nature of the pack offers your child the validation he is so desperately seeking.

* The influence of cliques begins to wane as late adolescence comes along. Though high school is filled with subdivisions of students, teens are able to move more freely between different groups. This is the good news.

* Finally, family life should offer security that your child can carry with
him into his other spheres. Make your home a safe haven for your child to express himself. Empty cereal boxes and all!

The Rule of 10,000 Hours

Malcolm Gladwell's new book Outliers looks at what makes for gifted and successful people in our culture. We may not buy everything Mr. Gladwell is selling, but it certainly gives rise to thinking about those age-old questions of nature vs. nurture, multiple intelligence theory, and flow theory. For parents, these are important questions, given that our task is to develop our children, to endow them with experiences and skills which will enable them to achieve their fullest potential.

Gladwell sometimes eschews the notion of gifted education. Rather two points give us pause for consideration.

First, the rule of 10,000 hours. Gladwell says that success takes hard work. Successful people aren't just working harder than everyone else, they are working much, much harder. He points to the Beatles who logged 10,000 hours perfecting their skill by working dirt cheap in a German club before finally hitting the big time. He points to Bill Gates who had access to computer technology long before it went mainstream, and so could log in thousands of hours practicing a skill to which any foreseeable competition was denied. When mom used to say "practice makes perfect," she evidently really did know what she was talking about.

Secondly, what will make those parents out there just coasting along leaving everything to chance cringe, Gladwell says that a positive cultural heritage seems to make for a successful child. Gladwell (whose great-great-great grandmother was an African slave) dedicated the book to his Jamaican grandmother, who instilled a strong sense of how to be successful - or at least how to get out of Jamaica and get educated - into his mother. He says there is no replacement for work ethic and the most successful people have had someone who, even by the chance of history and fate, enabled them to develop that work ethic into a gift.

But one caution - success does not necessarily equate with money. A person can be very gifted at something that produces no income. He/she can practice 10,000 hours at something that has absolutely no monetary reward. But there is the chance that in the right historical circumstances, that person can translate his/her gifts into a rewarding career. I'm thinking of the London journalist, Neill McCormick, who followed just on the cusp of U2's success with his band that was every bit as good, but never achieved acclaim himself (he went to school with Bono and the rest of U2). He documents his experience in I Was Bono's Doppelganger - he finally gave up his band, but in the transformation became a well-known writer and used his experience to become a published author. Evidently, his 10,000 hours was better spent practicing his writing skills.

While Gladwell has been criticized for taking random facts and turning them into "scientific research," his premise makes sense. Hard work, putting in 10,000 hours practice, combined with visions and talent, can make for a very successful life. Help your child find flow (the point at which a person becomes so engaged in practicing a skill that he loses all track of time or sense of hunger, etc.) and then give them the space and encouragement to develop that skill. It may be transient, but through exploration and experimentation, your child will, with luck, find that one thing that tips him over into a success that will bring a rewarding and joyful life.

The Bottom Line

It may seem difficult to be positive this Thanksgiving. The world has shifted since we all sat down to turkey a year ago. Americans are making some hard choices about their lifestyles, their jobs and their futures. I am not sure how we got in this predicament, but I know that my Stock Portfolio does not determine who I am. My IRA does not sit around the dining room table with me. My 401 K does not symbolize health, or happiness, or friends or family. Thanksgiving is a good time to take a deep breath and focus on the blessings in our life. We can then address the business end with a new perspective, on another day.

Andy Rooney shares some insight on what's truly important. After we read it, maybe we could make our own "Important" list?

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I'm going to enjoy Thursday with my family.
I'm going to be grateful. And I am going to count my Blessings.

Happy Thanksgiving from Melony and Chrissie

Stay Connected

I was interested in new principal Debra Barger's Plan of Improvement for our 7th and 8th Grade Center. As reported in the Muskogee Phoenix, MPS is addressing concerns and becoming pro-active in finding solutions. I was especially encouraged by Ms. Barger's statement, " Give me two years and you will be surprised at the difference." Principal turnover in the last several years can not have made it easy to implement any ongoing strategy. Building confidence and a sense of community in a faculty takes not only leadership and great ideas. It takes time.

A concern in Cathy Spaulding's article was one Mel and I have continually discussed in this forum. The importance of parental involvement. Ms. Barger states this is a key issue in a student's lack of success in middle school. For some reason, the cupcake making, t-shirt selling, Science Fair Judging elementary Mom or Dad drops the ball when their child enters 7th grade. It is as if they have done their part for 6 years and now it is the government and school's turn.

The pre-teen years are probably the most crucial time for parents to be part of their child's education. The school is huge, hormone's are kicking in, classes are getting more difficult and these middle school kids are facing a lot of choices. Tweens are entering uncharted territory and need some help navigating through it all. Kids need to know you are interested. Kids need to see you are involved. Kids need to feel you are communicating.

Attendance is also an ongoing problem. It is pretty basic. If a child is not at school, a child cannot learn. Parental responsibilities include getting their student to class. This seems pretty simple but attendance rates in public education are horrendous. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to meet Pass Objectives when you are teaching to empty seats. If a home conveys attendance is not a priority, it sends the message that education is not important. It sends the message that "getting by" is just fine. Mediocre is all that's expected. Personal best isn't expected to be very good at all.

Parents must to be partners with teachers in their child's education. Discuss curriculum choices ahead of time. Know assignments, special projects and when quizzes and exams are scheduled. Make appointments to discuss your child's progress. Understand what each teacher expects, how they teach, how much homework they assign and what their favorite cookies are. "What, you say!" Didn't your little darling bring a little something to their teacher in elementary school? Send some brownies to say thank you for a kindness or consideration given to your son or daughter. It will be very appreciated and more importantly sends the message that you as a parent are in tune to what is happening at school.

You may be shaking your head. "My mood swinging pre-teen does not want me to be at their school. " HELLO. Who is the grown up here? I promise. Many may protest but most like to know we are around.

So call the school and see how you can volunteer. Make appointments to meet teachers, principals and counselors. Serve on committees. While you're packing up chocolate bars, stick your head in classrooms during planning periods. Working the concession stand helps sell the popcorn but also keeps you visible and viable. Chaperoning at Dry Gulch enables the district to offer the opportunity to it's students, and offers you the opportunity to observe the dynamics of your child's relationships and social skills. If you work, take your lunch hour or a sick day to work in the office or meet a teacher with concerns or questions. Then, take your child to lunch. It gives you one on one time and makes a regular day at school special.

Hats off to Principal Barger and the faculty and staff at The 7th and 8th Grade Center. These middle school years shape later success in school and in life. It is not an easy time for pre-teens and they need all the help they can get - In school yes, and most importantly, at home. Call or visit your child's school today and find out how to get in the parent pipeline. It's a Win-Win proposition.

Just an opinion. Couldn't we give The Center a name? 7th and 8th Grade Center is pretty generic. It's a little hard to have a school song or a snappy T-Shirt without a name that inspires loyalty and dedication. "Where do you go to middle school?" "Why, I go to The Center." "We're loyal to you Center. To your colors we're true Center. .....

Oklahoma Blood Institute

Muskogee High School's National Honor Society has particpated in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society of Oklahoma Pennies for Patients student drive for the last five years. This organization provides help for families of children with blood diseases and works in conjunction with the Oklahoma Blood Institute, the same organization sponsoring the blood drive with First Presbyterian Church on Saturday, November 22nd at Arrowhead Mall for our young friend, Jimmy Wilcoxen. Both organizations have saved countless lives and work diligently to find a cure for blood diseases.

None of these National Honor Society students ever would have thought in their wildest imaginations that their efforts at raising thousands of dollars in penny donations would eventually affect someone they knew and loved - they did it just because it was the right thing to do.

On November 22nd individuals both young and old will turn out to give blood to the OBI drive for Jimmy. Many will be his loyal friends and family, but others will not even know him. They will turn out because, even in our highly mechanized and technical modern world, community is still as important today as it was to the ancients. They will do it because Muskogee is full of wonderful people who pull together when there is a need. They will do it because it is the right thing to do.

If you are considering donating blood for Jimmy, here's how it works:

• Anyone can give blood - you don't have to match Jimmy's blood type.
• All blood given stays in Oklahoma. Jimmy is given credits in Texas for the blood donated here. These credits will help defray the cost of his transfusions while in the hospital in Houston.
• Bring your photo ID. It is mandatory to have a photo ID when donating blood.

The whole Muskogee community is pulling for Jimmy. Our thoughts, prayers and good wishes go out to him and his entire family. We love you!

You Got To Have Friends

I am sporting a new fashion statement. It is Tiffany blue rubber and says-Strength for Jimmy. Similar to the familiar Lance Armstrong yellow Live Strong bracelets, this one strikes a little closer to home. Muskogee native Jimmy Wilcoxen is undergoing chemo-therapy for Leukemia and the bracelet is one way his friends are standing by him while Jimmy goes through his treatments.

Jimmy and my two youngest children have been best buds since childhood. I answered the phone the first Sunday in October and all I could hear was sobbing. It was Catherine, shocked and terrified that a friend she considered healthy and well Saturday morning had been diagnosed with a life-threatening disease Saturday night. I asked why my Tom had not yet called and she said matter-of-factly, "why he's with Jimmy at the hospital." Tom and several other friends were camped out at the hospital in Norman, supporting Jimmy and his shocked family as they made decisions and choices as to his care.

Jimmy is now in Houston and as his Mother joyfully reported, is officially in remission. Though he has several months of rigorous treatments ahead of him, he is responding to the protocol. Jimmy is a fighter. Jimmy will be fine.

What has again been reinforced to me is how important friendships and shared histories are in each of our lives. The support that has been showered on this family cannot help but lighten the load and keep everyone optimistic. Jimmy's friends have moved his things out of his house in Norman, flown to Houston to just be with him, had these wonderful bracelets made, sent x-rated cheer up gifts and shared inside jokes with each other. They are in communication with him constantly. They have changed their pre-Christmas plans from a ski trip (since this year Jimmy won't quite be ready to go) to meeting here in Big M or Houston to all be together. They are united with the common goal of supporting their friend in any way possible. Why? Because they have always had each other's back. Because they're "tight". Because they love each other.

Encourage positive and constructive friendships in your own children. How? Offer opportunities that bring kids together and be the house where your children's friends want to be. Bake the cookies. Buy the ping pong table. Host the parties. Coach the team. Make things happen. Get to know the parents of your children's friends. Share ideas. Share experiences. Share concerns.

These kids snow-boarded, water skied, went to concerts and played tennis together. When they were younger they four-wheeled, camped out, spent the night, paint-balled, fished,hunted and just hung out. They celebrated their birthdays together. They went through puberty together. All are now in college, some at OU but all as close as phones, cars and airplanes can keep them.

These young men and women have truly grown up together. They complete each other's sentences. They know what each other is thinking. Close ties and strong friendships have prepared each of them for this detour in Jimmy's and therefore, their lives. These young adults have learned there is strength in their friendship. There is joy in their friendships. There is empathy in their friendships. There is energy in their friendships. And above all, there is life.

Share a Pint with Jimmy

OBI Blood Drive
Arrowhead Mall
Nov 22nd

Look for more details in the Muskogee Phoenix. Join others as we have the opportunity to "do something" when there has seemed so little we can do. Share a pint with Jimmy, and share your support with one of our own. See you at the mall Saturday, November 22nd.

Perspective

This was shared with me recently and I thought it was so good, I want to share it with you. Enjoy. TO ALL WHO ''SURVIVED" the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on their tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day, and we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms...... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. Mom and Dad actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

A Letter of Recommendation

Dear Sirs;
I am writing to recommend (your child's name) for your consideration. I have known (your child's name) for the last four years as (his/her) Latin teacher, as well as (his/her) JCL, Ecology Club, National Honor Society, and SADD sponsor. This close association with (your child's name) has given me an accurate assessment of (his/her) ability, character, and potential for success on the collegiate level.
(Your child's name) has been an excellent student. (He/she) has taken a college preparatory curriculum that has included such courses as AP Calculus, AP Chemistry, AP English Language and Composition, AP Literature and Composition, AP Latin Literature, and AP U.S. History. (He/she) does not merely complete the required classwork, but consistently seeks knowledge above that offered in class. (He/she) has excellent insight into the machinations and motivations of both historical and literary characters and has keen analytical skills.
In addition, (your child's name) has taken full advantage of every educational opportunity available during (his/her) high school career through participation in the Cornell University summer program in medicine and the University of Dallas three week tour of Italy. This year (your child's name) is taking concurrent enrollment at Connor's State College.
(Your child's name) is a four year member of the Oklahoma Honor Society and National Latin Honor Society, and a three year member of the National Honor Society. (He/she) was also named AP Scholar during (his/her) junior year. There is no doubt that (your child's name) is well prepared for matriculation into (OU... ok, whatever university you choose) where his intellectual potential will reach fruition.
In addition to being an excellent student, (your child's name) is also involved in several extracurricular organizations. (He/she) has served as president of the Class of (insert graduation year) during all four years of high school. (He/she) has also served as president of Junior Classical League and holds an office in the Oklahoma Junior Classical League. (Your child's name) has attended two OJCL Conventions, where (he/she) won the Academic Sweepstakes Award. (He/she) has also served as vice president of National Honor Society and secretary of the Ecology Club. (He/she) is a four year member of the varsity (whatever sport) team. I feel (your child's name) will continue to be involved in extracurricular and community activities throughout (his/her) lifetime and will make many positive contributions to (his/her) community.
Finally, (your child's name) is not only an excellent student, but an excellent person. (He/she) has been instilled with a determination far exceeding (his/her) peers. (Your child's name) lives (his/her) life with a dedication to excellence in all things, a compassion for all people, and a sense of giving back to society what has been given to (him/her). (He/she) would make an excellent addition to your student body and would represent your university very well. (He/she) is truly worthy of your consideration.


I can't tell you how many letters I have written like the one above with only slight variation, because I have been blessed to teach some truly remarkable people who are now doctors, lawyers, teachers, Nike executives, architects, professional athletes, and just plain wonderful people. Most people, parents and teens alike, never stop to think about their vested interest in the educational process until this time of year when letters of recommendation are needed for college admissions and scholarship applications. As a teacher, it is an absolutely awful feeling to be sitting at the computer stumped about what to say about a student who is desperate for a letter of recommendation, but who shied away from all but the barest of academic courses and did not challenge him/herself to participate in school activities.

I am reminded of Stephen Covey's advice to begin with the end in mind. The letter above represents the end. If you are the parent of a high school freshman or sophomore, you can begin to gently suggest that your child join school clubs and activities that pique his curiosity about new subjects or fulfill his love of already developed interests. In this way, you can mindfully help create a letter of recommendation for your child that can put him on the path to exploring, understanding and fulfilling some of his/her life goals.

All in Due Time

Whatever your politics, Sarah Palin has been a fascinating study in an American Family. The Palin's share reversed roles, a special needs child, a working Mom, an outdoor and rugged lifestyle, a large family, and of course, the pregnancy of a teenage daughter. I am personally encouraged that the young couple is planning a wedding, prior to the birth of the child. "My baby's Daddy", a current gag line for countless comedians, is a sad comment on the state of parenthood and family today. Teen pregnancy is a tough thing to face. I don't think the Palin's or any other family would trade the choices available for not having to face the options in the first place

Preteen Years (9-13), Teen Pregnancy

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed recent research about parental influences on children's sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents themselves. Good news. From these sources, it is clear that there is much parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of kids becoming pregnant before they've grown up.

Presented here as "Ten Tips". Many of these lessons will seem familiar because they articulate what parents already know from experience - like the importance of maintaining strong, close relationships with children and teens, setting clear expectations for them, and communicating honestly and often with them about important matters.

1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.
Communicating with your children about sex, love, and relationships is often more successful when you are certain in your own mind about these issues. You must first clarify your own attitudes and values so you can articulate them to your child.

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific.
Kids have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they'd most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open, and respectful. If you can't think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you're not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child's life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this - you know, "the talk".The truth is that parents and kids should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to both sons and daughters and to both mothers and fathers, incidentally. All kids need a lot of communication, guidance, and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don't appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won't worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you'll always be able to talk again.

In addition to being an "askable parent," be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember, too, that your own behavior should match your words. The "do as I say, not as I do" approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.

3. Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents.
Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 pm and you don't get home from work until 6 pm, who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your kids' whereabouts doesn't make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children's friends and their families.
Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with kids whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children's friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child's friends share rather than one that makes him or her different-but even if your views don't match those of other parents, hold fast to your convictions.

5. Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating.
Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating much before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know your strong feelings about this throughout childhood-don't wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don't like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is. And don't allow your son to develop an intense relationship with a girl much younger than he is.
Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl-sometimes they even have money and a car to boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at most three) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex and sex with no protection.

7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.
The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appears bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. . Explain how becoming pregnant-or causing pregnancy-can derail the best of plans; for example, child care expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let your kids know that you value education highly.
Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children's progress in school and intervene early if things aren't going well. Keep track of your children's grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors, and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school and get involved PTA and other activities.

9. Know what your kids are watching, reading, and listening to.
The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you, say so, and explain why. Be "media literate"-think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your kids to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.

Preteen Years (9-13), Teen Pregnancy

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from an early age. Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline, and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect.

A final note: It's never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don't underestimate the great need that children feel-at all ages-for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents' guidance, approval, and support.

Mother - Daughter Time

The Communication Coordinator for Girl Scouts of Western Oklahoma asked me to share details about a special event that is being offered to all girls, age 10-17 . It is a two day Conference for girls and their Mothers', held on the UCO campus Friday, November 7th and Saturday, November 8th. It is a jam packed weekend for tweens and teens.

The weekend begins with a Mother/Daughter Dance on Friday evening. There will be everything from a DJ to a Dessert Bar, to great door prizes and a fashion show. Disney Network's Jody Shilling will be on hand to sign autographs and for pictures. Saturday is a jam packed day of fabulous break out sessions, inspirational speakers and lots of hands-on activities. From "Personality Portraits' to "Bullying in a Girl's World", to "Be Loud and Proud", to "Social Drama" to "Teens and Divorce", there are over 50 sessions to choose from. Moms have a great opportunity to quiz an expert in a session entitled, "What's Happening to my Daughter?", led by Carter Townsend, Psy. D. Oklahoma's own Miss America, Lauren Nelson, is the guest speaker at lunch in the UCO ballroom.

Why not make the weekend a special one for you and your daughter? Invite a friend and her Mother and share a hotel room. After the dance, stay up late and get to know each other again. All the information can be found at http://www.gswestok.org/, including registration, hotel and session details.

Where: Nigh University Center, UCO Campus, Edmond, OK

Cost: $25 per person from October 1-27, 2008.

Description: A two-day statewide conference designed for all girls (age 10-17) and their mothers to learn balance of mind, body and spirit through wellness, health education, self-esteem, girl and parent communication, and the benefits of incorporating the arts into daily life. Keynote speakers are Jodi Shilling (OK Actress) and Lauren Nelson (2007 Miss America). There are over 50 breakout sessions focusing on wellness, health, self-esteem, leadership, tween and teen issues, parent support and the arts.

Ages: All girls ages 10-17 and their mom or female guardian.

Min./Max.: 250 minimum; 500 maximum

Deadline to Register: October 27

What Girls and Moms Need Most
Moving into the tween and teen years seems to affect how girls think and feel. That happy little 9-year-old with lots of ideas has turned into a moody 10 or 11-year-old with an attitude, and family members don’t know what to do! Girls in Oklahoma have a higher risk of giving birth as a teenager, suffering from childhood obesity, living with a smoker, and dropping out of high school.
This tween & teen conference will address issues important to girls and their moms, including:
Self-Esteem
Girl/Parent Communications
Teen Pregnancy
Health & Wellness Education
Healthy Body Image
Breast Cancer Education/Breast Health
Establishing Boundaries
Connecting Values with Behavior
Navigating Your Parents' Divorce
What Happens When My Child Gets in Trouble
Emotional, Social and Physical Development

Tween Conference Sponsors Include:
Integris Health, Susan G. Koman Foundation, Tyler Media, Excellence in Fashion,
Party Galaxy, Monterey Decorations, CDC Office of Women’s Health
Girl Scouts-Western Oklahoma

http://www.gswestok.org/
Thanks to Communications Coordinator Ms. Wagner, for including girls in our part of the state!

Phoenix Rising

I was supposed to go to the Azar Nafisi lecture with Mrs. Owens, Mrs. Sholes, and Ms. Yorman, but I got sick instead. Fortunately, Mrs. Owens's friend, Emily, took some really good notes.

Nafisi, who has also been a professor at the University of Oklahoma, wrote Reading Lolita in Tehran, a commentary about a women's book group (except for one male student) that read banned Western classics during the Ayatollah's regime, just before Nafisi fled to the U.S.

I think we should listen to someone who has fled to the United States. An objective opinion never hurts. Here's what she said, gleaned from the wonderful notes I received:

She introduced the ideas of culture and democracy by describing the challenge of news media in America. She described having all news on so many different channels (stations, cable, etc.) from different perspectives (liberal, conservative, democratic, republican, etc.) and in different formats (television, radio, podcasts, internet). She said this is a good thing, because it is an example of democracy: many voices, many choices. In democracy, you get all things and the freedom to choose among them.
The problem, she said, in this example is that along side the news is presented pop culture. While it is important to share cultural things, and while pop culture has its place in communicating and expressing... in our country these things are presented alongside news itself. This means that it becomes confusing what is real, what is fact, and what is entertainment.
She said this kind of information overload brings numbness rather than knowledge. And when we are numb, we cease to make choices. And when we lack knowledge, we cease to realize we are not making choices. So we in living out the numbness, grow in apathy. And in our apathy, we cease to make choices. And when we quit making choices, we lose democracy itself.
She said information for the purpose of knowledge is different because it humbles you. In learning new things, we learn also what we do not know.

Nafisi said so much more, not in criticism of a country that has welcomed her (she is currently a guest lecturer at Johns Hopkins), but in critically thinking about what has and what is happening to our country.

I bring all this up because of its impact on teenagers. Just this week I read Joseph Farrah's article about a teenager sending nude pictures of herself to friends over the phone. It never even occurred to this kid that what she did was wrong. How could it? She lives in a culture where everywhere one turns selling sex makes millions of dollars, and I am not referring to prostitution. Last night, by chance flipping channels, I encountered full frontal nudity on HBO in the comedy Walk Hard - the same actor as in Tallageda Nights, so I was expecting a similar, albeit dumb, thing. I was so happy I didn't have a small child, or even a teenager sitting next to me! I don't want to be a moralist, but I am left wondering, have we lost our minds? This teen may get labeled as a sex offender, but the director of Walk Hard gets millions in profit? If it made that much...

Then I read Forgetting the Past, an article citing noted historian David McCullough's acceptance speech at the National Book Award. He said he asked history students in a seminar at one of our country's best Ivy League schools if they knew who George Marshall was, and silence. Not one had even heard of him or could even place him in an historical era. The author also cites a classroom in Minneapolis that chose John Lennon and Yoko Ono as their most interesting historical figure. And another example of his daughter's Spanish class learning global recycling terms, rather than conversational material. Recycling is great, but how many times will you find yourself in Mexico or Spain wanting to say, "What about this global warming?"

Now, there are those who might label this kind of thinking reactionary. I believe in the future and in our children and want to remain calm and keep things in perspective. And then I remember that nation-wide 80% of all students don't make it to graduation. Thousands of young people can't get the irony in the fact that Angelina Jolie has a Che Guevara tat and also won the U.N.'s Global Humanitarian Award (Guevara said, "A Revolutionary must be a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate." Funny, I don't remember any of our Founding Fathers making that statement, and yet they pulled off one of the world's most important and long lasting revolutions in government and in advancing human thought.).

Which brings me to the end of Nafisi's lecture. She said (transcripted by Emily) we came to America to have the freedom to choose to worship our religions the way we wanted to as individuals. We fought slavery and Harriet Beecher Stowe went to England to share her story, and her husband had to read her speeches because women were not allowed to speak in public. Switzerland only gave women the right to vote in the 70's. The Native Americans - we know that story. How is it our progress has been so much, so far, and now we are silent? Because we are choosing to be numb. And our numb-ness will cost us choice and voice. And this makes us silent.
She said but we need to pay attention. All these rights we so enjoy have only come to pass fully in the last 50 years. We cannot forget the sacrifices we have made for our freedoms, and cannot remain silent - She said that if you want to know about other cultures, you should go to their scientists and philosophers and poets and artists and musicians... because they are the ones who communicate culture.
Lives are not saved by art expression in and of itself, but the idea is that when we see fellow humans commit such atrocities, when you think you yourself are capable of such atrocities, then you become ashamed of being human. It makes you doubt humanity. Art, literature, music, philosophy, and science bring us back to the places where we have the right to celebrate being an individual beyond what we have experienced... they are expressions of our voice, and that is how humanity is saved... by being able to have a voice, and thus choose, what saves them and how.

I am hoping, and will continue to hope, that the school children who chose John Lennon as the greatest historical figure in American history, chose him because he imagined a different way for humanity, a peaceful, sane way, like a Phoenix rising. I am also going to hope their vision is tempered by the reality of history in remembering the hatred of Stalin, Hitler, and even Che. But more importantly, I hope they have the critical thinking skills necessary to see the difference between those men and George Marshall. If they even know who George Marshall was.

So Nice To Meet You

I am directing this year's Christmas production for Muskogee Little Theatre. The play is "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever", a show guaranteed to instill holiday spirit and mistletoe sprigged warm fuzzies. If you are not familiar with the show, it has children in it. Young children, medium children and teen children. Lots of children. Talented and disciplined children with a strong work ethic and an understanding of individual effort for the common good.

Auditions are over and a director's prayers were answered. There was so much talent on the stage, it was very difficult to choose my cast. All those bright smiling faces. All those eager and ready young actors. We had to choose 30 kids from 78 auditions. How I hate this part!

I do believe the audition process is one way to gain confidence. Standing before an audience is good practice for standing before college recruiters, potential employers, political opponents and perky news reporters. Stage experience is one way to learn to think on your feet, expand boundaries and handle any situation.

Dale Carnegie believed that learning to speak in public was the way to win friends and influence people. I agree. High School Speech Class used to be a right of passage for all students. It is no longer a popular elective and fewer kids take advantage of the class. It's a pity. Not only do students learn to present themselves well- they learn to organize ideas, support opinions, evoke emotion and influence others. Speech is a good class to take. Strongly encourage the teen in your life to take advantage of all this subject has to offer.

Youth need to know how to present themselves in the best possible light. How to look someone in the eye. What a firm handshake is. How to make an introduction. They need to speak clearly and articulate ideas. Proper posture and body language is a deal maker. For a lucky few, this comes naturally, for the rest of us, this is an acquired art. An art that can be learned.

There are many ways to gain experience. Performance arts like choir, band, theatre or dance are great confidence builders. Public speaking opportunities through church, school and co-curricular activities train kids to think on their feet. Encourage your teen to run for offices, head up committees and to join clubs. Lots of schools have Broadcasting studios. FFA has an excellent public speaking emphasis. Boys and Girls State is a fabulous opportunity for kids selected to participate. Both Boy and Girl Scouts offer leadership training and "best foot forward" people skills. It's a simple equation. More experience=More confidence= More success.

As a parent, don't be afraid to prod a little bit. Many kids hesitate to do anything that draws attention to themselves. Others don't see the time involved or the effort required as worth their attention. Oh- foolish young person. Constructive activities that offer life skills are always worth the time! Presenting yourself confidently and appearing self-assured could get you anywhere. Even running for president.

The Real Charles Schulz Philosophy

Every once in awhile an email comes along that makes sense. I don't usually forward emails, but this one, sent to me by a relative in California, seemed worthwhile. Then I looked it up on the Internet.

Unfortunately, according to Snopes and a couple of other spoil sports, this is not the work of Peanuts creator, Charles Schulz, who passed away a few years ago, but merely someone's ingenious quiz that has now been used by personal trainers, leadership trainers, business trainers, education, and bloggers, all attesting to its wisdom and popularity. Here is the premise:

The Charles Schulz Philosophy or Charlie Brown Philosophy - The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do? The point is, not many of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies... Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials... the most money...or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

I think what probably gets people about this quiz, making it popular, is this last line I've highlighted. In light of that, I'd like to add my own quiz. See how many points you can score:
1. List teachers you have aided on your children's journey through school.
2. Name three friends you have helped through a difficult time. Better yet, name three strangers you have helped.
3. Name five people to whom you have taught something worthwhile.
4. Think of all the people you have made feel special or appreciated, family, friends, acquaintances, strangers.

These are really the things for which there are no money, awards or kudos. If your answers to these questions form a long list, then the answer to question number five, think of all the people who enjoy spending time with you, is hopefully also long. You are simply one of the ones who cares the most. In the real words of the inimitable Charles Schulz, "You're a good man, Charlie Brown."

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Charles Schulz