It's My Party

Prom. I can't believe it is time again. The kids at MHS always got into such a frenzy and usually set themselves us to be disappointed. Nothing can meet the expectations when a school cafeteria and crepe paper is involved.

If there was anything I tried to get my students to do was, #1. Not spend more than they could afford and #2. Be wise with plans and choices.

Dinner together is what's fun. It really doesn't matter where. Some groups had a blast with dinner at someone's house. Willing parents set table, offered a simple menu like Lasagna and Caesar Salad, lit the candles and cleared out so the couples be together. Driving to Tulsa is difficult because travel time and dinner gets the prom arrival after 10:00. Book reservations locally. HINT: A pre-arranged menu will speed things along. Ask any restaurant in town. There is nothing worse than 16 formally dressed teens ordering everything different from a menu. It is a guaranteed "slow" service dinner.

I was always horrified to see kids drive up in limo's. I knew what the rental was and I knew the beaming passengers had often worked at a minimum wage job for months to pay for the ride. Encourage your kids to save their money for more important things. (like college funds and car payments). The same goes for extravagant dresses and expensive tuxes. A pair of good khakis and a blazer that can be worn for other occasions is better than a one night rental. There are so many cute dresses at reasonable prices now+ resale and consignment shops are a fun way to "dig around and see what you can find."

Mel and I cannot emphasize enough about the drinking deal. Really talk about the dangers and the legality of this choice. I know we don't even have to mention, NEVER be an adult hosting an after -prom party that involves alcohol. Parents have been arrested for allowing underage drinking. Offer a fun alternative with other couples. A pool party and dancing on the patio. Movies and breakfast with all the trimmings. A Dessert Buffet with a Coffee Bar. Rent the Bowling Alley or Skating Rink. Organize an All-Night Event at a church Rec Center. Communicate with your child and see what sounds fun. They may scream "NO" and that it all seem corny but perhaps "one of these or nothing at all" makes a safe and controlled option more palpable. Get a "posse" of parents to agree to agree on choices.

No one wants to regrets the "Morning After". Help your prom-goer make memories. Safe and reasonable memories. Photographs of beaming young men and radiant young women are the goal here. They will never be so young, innocent and so expectant again. chrissie

Prom Issues

It's Prom season and girls everywhere are struggling to find the right thing to wear. A girl in Indiana took her right to wear a tux to the Prom to the School Board there. They had evidently banned her from wearing pants (in the form of a tuxedo) to the Prom in an attempt to curtail her civil rights. The ACLU tackled that one.

I found a Christian Teen Girls Blog that suggests finding a cute dress with some kind of decency standards in mind. http://teengirls.agblogger.org/2009/03/11/what-to-wear-wednesday-2-prom/ At the risk of sounding like Andy Rooney, I think a Prom dress can be cute and still have standards, too.

Our Mayor started a Prom dress and tux recycling program when he was the STUCO president at Muskogee High School. Girls could come and "shop" the store. It is a great idea and this year's Prom sponsor at MHS, Krista Tillotson, is asking for donations. Muskogee High School's Jr. - Sr. Prom is May 9th. To donate, call MHS and speak to Mrs. Tillotson.

One Prom issue that always has parents on edge is drinking at after parties. Anti-drinking campaigns, such as the one sponsored by Project CLEAR, have done a really good job of educating students about the perils of drinking and driving. Many communities sponsor an all night after party at a church or in the school gym to give teens something to do in a controlled environment. Parents could do the same at their home, if they feel comfortable with their child's friends and can stay up all night monitoring the situation!

There are always issues surrounding Prom, from what to wear, to where to eat, to who to go with to the big event. But, Prom is one of the last great American high school experiences remaining. Encourage your child to go and have fun. Be sure to take lots of pictures!

It's For You

Think about it. Our teens are part of the first generation to live from cradle to grave in a primarily digital world. Our children are fundamentally different than us, their parents. In Born Digitally, authors Palfrey and Gasser note:

"These kids are different. They study, work, write and interact with each other in ways that are very different from the ways that you did growing up…They often meet each other online before they meet in person. They probably don't even know what a library card looks like, much less have one...they get their music online --often for free, illegal...they're more likely to send an instant message (IM) than to pick up the telephone to arrange a date later in the afterno...Major aspects of their lives - social interactions, friendships, civic activities -are mediated by digital technologies. And they've never known any other way of life."

Yes. We are shaking our head "Yes!" But these new digital communications methods are not inherently bad….they are just different. And there is a lot in this digital world that we cannot change. But our teenagers are still kids and they need our guidance and teaching. That doesn't change. So Sue Blaney, author of "Please Stop the Rollercoaster" gives us some tools and links to help figure out what this aspect of parental guidance should look like.

Sue offers- "There is some truly helpful insight from a parenting expert, Lynne Reeves Griffin, author of Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment, which should be "must reading" for every parent. Lynne makes everything sound not only logical and reasonable, but also possible."

Parents are teachers Would you hand the keys to the car to your teenager the day she was old enough to drive? Of course not. Not until she received training for this important responsibility. And that's the key... the training. Believe it or not, this relates to kids and phones and other tech devices they are using that are making parents crazy.... How would your teen know how to behave with these items unless she/he has been taught ? And, the chances are good you haven’t taught your teen appropriate behavior around cell phones (and Facebook etc.) because you haven't faced this before. You didn't know this was going to grow into a problem, and like many parents of "digital natives" this became a problem before you knew what you were dealing with. You are forgiven...now let's talk about what to do. Let's ground your behavior in positive, proactive thinking and techniques.

Begin again if necessary If you're caught in a situation where your teens are misusing this privilege, Lynn suggests you start over. Think through the appropriate use of cell phones in your family. Then sit your teens down and tell them you are sorry if you weren't clear on the rules when you gave them the phone. You made a mistake because you didn't foresee what was going to happen, and now you're going to fix that. Then teach them appropriate behavior. Tell them what is acceptable and what isn't. It's perfectly appropriate to have rules around texting and cell phone use but here's what's important....the rules are to help your teen learn proper behavior…not to control him or her. There is a big difference here in the way you characterize your rules. And this new proactive approach means that you will be going out of your way to help your teen be successful in living up to the rules. You will need to predict problems and issues and think things through in advance. You have a critical role to play, and when you are good at this you will see phone problems shrink accordingly.

Manners: What do you want to teach your kids about manners? Manners apply to using a cell phone too. Teach your kids to distinguish between what is polite behavior and what is rude.

Financial parameters: Does your teen help pay for the cell phone? Consider having your teen contribute financially, or at least show your teen the bill and connect that to chores and responsibilities. Your teen may have no idea what it costs to have this privilege. Make this concrete.

Down time/ unplugged time: If your teen is spending more time than you deem healthy in front of computer and phone screens then apply some parameters. Of course parents should provide guidance in this area. And keep in mind that growing up digital does give them a different perspective on activities. Consider your teen's preferences, needs and temperament; brainstorm together about how she/he can best enjoy needed downtime.

Where and when: Most teenagers need guidance in maintaining good homework habits. Consider that you are doing your child a favor by taking the phone away during homework time. We all have to learn to discipline ourselv...even adults have learned the hard way to remember to turn off our cell phones at certain times. Don't assume your teen knows this; teach your teen the difference between appropriate and inappropriate use. Be willing to be the bad guy if necessary. Some teens actually do thank parents for making tough decisions for them.

Appropriate use: Do you teach your teens how to treat other people? Of course you do; you have taught them since they were little not to tolerate bullying. Teach them that these same parameters apply in cell phone use. Do you talk about appropriate sexual behavior? Reference the recent news stories about the growing problem of sending sexually explicit photos over cell phones. Let them know that in numerous cases kids with naughty pictures on their phones are being charged with child pornography…this can have very serious consequences.

Safety: The cell phone is a wonderful tool for safety and staying connected, but think through safe use. If you don’t want your teen texting while driving, then don’t text him when he’s in the car. Discuss how he will handle texts that come in while he is driving. Do you feel that it’s safe for him to talk on the phone while driving? Discuss and teach safe behavior.

Set expectations: If you are using the phone to stay connected with your teen then discuss your expectations. Do you expect your teen to answer it immediately whenever you call? What if she is driving or in a place where she can't answer it? Decide and discuss together how you want her to manage various situations. Try to understand her point of view. By being clear in your expectations and engaging her in problem solving you will demonstrate that this is a tool that deserves her respect too.

Teens can't be relied on to make good judgment calls. It is perfectly natural for your teenagers to want to stay connected to their peers. While this is developmentally appropriate, they need your guidance and help. Many will have a natural tendency to over-use their phones, and left to their own devices some will want to stay connected 24 hours a day. Just as you don't allow them to go to extremes in other areas, teach them what reasonable use and behavior looks like. Teach them balance. Talk about this reasonably; don't make it a power struggle. Consider yourself your teen's teacher and guide, and realize that this is new digital world is changing and developing organically so you are learning as you go.

Note: If you apply rules - particularly if they are new rules - expect your teens to complain. They will and that's part of their job. Your job is to teach them, keep them safe, and guide them. chrissie

Mr. Fix It

As anyone who reads us regularly knows, I am in the middle of a remodel. Having real people who earn a living with tools has been a luxury for me. Having real people who start and finish a certain task, all in a reasonable amount of time, has been a gift. I am getting spoiled. It's like rubbing a lamp and a genie comes out, "You're wish is my command." Of course, these genies charge by the hour. I love getting everything done but it makes me appreciate having a handy husband and handy children.

Warren truly can fix almost anything. He has shared that with our boys. Catherine is also very handy. (Annie and I are more "crafty" but that can come in handy too. We are dynamite with a glue gun). I cannot imagine the money we have saved over the years- plumbing, car repairs, electrical, carpentry. Ward was popular at the lake because he could fix anything with a motor. Tom knows how to change anything fluidy in his car and can identify rattles and ka-thumps. Cath built my closet shelves and put together an armoire, with directions and a screwdriver. Wag never met a disposal he couldn't un-stop. The Wagner's definitely learned at their Father's knee. (Son-in-law Greg is very handy too-he designed, built and planted all the landscaping in their front yard).

It is a life skill to be self-sufficient. It is empowering to know how to take care of things. There is a financial benefit of course, but there is also a confidence that comes with being in control of a situation. You are not at anyone else's mercy.

Can your teens change a tire? Bake a cake? Mow the lawn and keep the mower running? Have they cleared brush, disposed of a mouse trap, flipped a circuit breaker or painted a room? Have they fixed a leaky faucet or built a shed? If not, maybe it's time to learn. Perhaps the task will convince them they want to make enough money to pay people to do it when they are grown. Perhaps the project will ignite a passion for architecture, or engineering or landscape design. Perhaps it will be time and talent shared with your child that would not have happened without the shared solution. Perhaps your child will gain knowledge and confidence in him or herself and that is the best outcome of all!

Summer Will Be Here Before We Know It

Although it still seems cold outside, summer will be here before we know it and the kids will be looking for something to do.

The Oklahoma Regents for Higher Education offer excellent summer camps as one way to fill the hours with meaningful activity. These camps fill up fast because they are excellent. At the university camps the only thing needed is the transportation to get there and Muskogee Public Schools can even find a way for eager students to get to the science or math camp of their choice and back.

Camps and activities cover such things as speech, drama and debate, science and math, or art and music.
General information about camps can be found here:
http://www.okhighered.org/student-center/fun-center/summer-ed-opps-students.shtml

For information about the math camp, click here (it says the dates are May 24 - 29, the last week of school in Muskogee):
http://www.nwosu.edu/math-academy

For information about OCU's music camp for talented students, click here:
http://www.okcu.edu/music/academy/summerprg.aspx

For OU's Sooner Flight Academy, click here (not free):
http://flightcamp.ou.edu/summer.html

For a variety of camps from band to Native American basketball, click here:
http://www.swosu.edu/resources/summer-camps.asp

All the information about summer camps can be found at the first link to the Oklahoma Regents for Higher Education website. Check out the wonderful opportunities available to expand your child's way of thinking about the world and his place in it or just to have fun and learn some cool stuff. Summer will be here before you know it!

When I Was a Kid........

Take a few moments to think about your relationship with your teen, and your life way back in the dark ages when you were a child. Then answer the following questions. The trick is to not remember how you wanted it to be, but how it was. Good or bad, nurturing or caustic, hovering or aloof, happy or sad- really recall your childhood and your relationship with your parents.

1. What parenting styles did you experience as a child?
2. How did your parents teach you to be well behaved?
3. How did your parents discipline you?
4. How did they teach and correct you?
5. How did they encourage your independence?

Now:

List three things your parents did that were positive and influenced and encouraged you.

List three things your parents did that you will never, ever do to your children:

Next, think about your own parenting.

How often do you criticize your teen? Reversely, do you provide specific, positive feedback. In what ways do you show your pride and enthusiasm? In what ways are you instilling your values, and your ethics? Do you "rescue" your kids from difficult situations, let them work things our on their own, or help them with their problem-solving? Are you angry and emotional before you talk to your kids when they've done something wrong? Note a time when a talk with your teen felt more like a confrontation.

Unless we consciously make other choices, we tend to slide into the same parenting styles as our parents. In this column we have talked so much about children learning what they live. As children, we did too.

By looking at your answers to these sets of questions, you can begin to think about the parenting style that helped shape you, and how you parent now. You can begin to make decisions about adjusting your style. Self-knowledge is the secret to taking the good stuff and discarding what is not so good. My husband has a slogan that infuriates me when I am ranting about something I can't fix, change or influence. "How's that working for you?" The that means I probably need to realize my approach is #1. ineffective, #2. not getting the desired results, #3. probably needs a step back and a reassessment.

So, if something is not working between your teen and you, start evaluating your approach and your own growing up. Break the negative patterns and add positive new ones. You probably don't need an analyst's couch and Freud, but a little trip down memory lane might help avert "issues" in the future. Now,......about those dreams ...... chrissie

The Family That Plays Together

I've written several times about the power of music to bring families together and to inspire creativity and discipline in young people. This afternoon at the square in front of the Civic Center in Muskogee an example of that power was evident.

Today marked the first in a series of bluegrass concerts to be held monthly through June. The first band, Rockin' Acoustic Circus out of Tulsa, was composed of music teacher, Rick Morton, and his students, all teenagers. Teenagers playing blugrass music. (Actually, children have always been admitted to the inner circle of family-friendly bluegrass music, it is just rather rare to find them playing it in this day-and-age.)

But, these weren't just teenagers playing bluegrass music - these were marvelously talented young people who have dedicated their lives to an art. They are versatile and can play classical, as well as Celtic, pop, and country, in addition to bluegrass. Some started out playing in the orchestra, most at around age of ten or twelve. Without a doubt, music has changed their lives.

If you want to know more about this group, here is their website:

http://www.rockinacousticcircus.com/

Also playing today was Muskogee's own Spring Street. An exceptional young man, Halston Williams, plays the fiddle in this band, along with his dad, Mike, on banjo. Halston is an example of the wonderful teenagers who will lead Muskogee into the 21st century. Here is the link to their MySpace, if you want to know more about them:

http://www.myspace.com/springstreetbluegrass

Music is important to the development of the total person. It is a lifelong skill linked to greater success in math, increased self esteem, and self-discipline, as evidenced by the exceptional young people I saw today. Sharing it with your children, whether at a concert or performing together, can stregthen the bonds between you, especially through the teen years.

Taking EOI's Seriously

It's that time of year again - EOI testing in Oklahoma. Starting this year, high stakes testing is ratcheting up the consequences of not passing the exams. This year's freshmen must pass a certain number of tests, starting with Algebra I, to get a real diploma. Those who do not pass the required tests will receive a Certificate of Attendance, stating to future employers that they merely occupied a seat while in high school.

Education is important - getting a good education is always the right thing to do, regardless of race, creed, or gender. Having a minimal education with certain standards and common knowledge forms a cohesion in our way of life. It can and should be expected from everyone. The tests form a minimal expectation and only average is required to pass. Can't we, shouldn't we, expect at least a 'C' from our children?

The final weeks of review are here. Please stress to your children how important passing the tests can be to their future success. They will be competing for jobs and college placement with graduates holding a real diploma in an ever-diminishing job market. Why not help your children get the best chance possible at obtaining a secure future by encouraging them to try their hardest in school.

Testing reminders:
Get enough rest.
Eat breakfast.
Do practice questions with your child.
Reward positive behavior.
Don't stress out or make your child stress out.
Have fun after the testing day is over.

Good luck! And don't panic - if your child does not pass the test the first time, it can be retaken. Taking the test seriously - taking school seriously - and encouraging your child to pass the test(s) the first time is the best bet.