Loving our Teen

As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.

Do not be dismayed.

True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.

One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?

Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.

THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE

Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.

Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.

This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following:
Is this immoral?
Is this illegal?
Is this going to make a difference in five years?
Is this going to hurt my child or someone else?
Is it inappropriate for his/her age?

We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.

Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!

Have a great last week of 2010. Enjoy your time with family and friends. Have a wonderful New Year weekend. chrissie

Maintaining the Status Quo

Did anyone read the syndicated editorial by Mona Charen in today's Muskogee Phoenix concerning Michelle Obama's plan to downsize school lunches? The First Lady's fitness plan includes shaping up children and teenagers by reducing the fat in school lunches, which we all know needs to happen. We can't just leave it up to the parents, as Mrs. Obama said.

What really stood out in the editorial, however, was Charen's idea that we should eliminate school lunches and have students bring their own lunch to school, the way they did prior to this modern school lunch program that started in 1946, subsidizing lunches with fattening cheese and farmers with money. Charen's rationale is that way parents would have more ownership and participation in their children's lives and kids would eat healthier. Feed the kids breakfast at school, but have them bring their lunch - oh, and call child protective services on the parents of kids who don't show up with a lunch.
I'm not sure I'm buying all that. There were school lunches prior to 1946 and the effects of poverty on children in public schools was studied as early as the 1800's. The first school-run lunch programs began in the early 1900's. Why not just make school lunch healthier for the sake of its being healthier?
A metamessage underlying the whole thing, though, is the realization that the way we Baby Boomers have grown up is not a sure thing. I am fearful for our children and I think I might even be fearful for myself. The social programs we have become accustomed to may not always be there for us. Not just no school lunch program, but no Social Security for our children or possibly for us. No school at all? Only a half day and kids get home in time for lunch at 1:00? There are endless things we cannot afford now as a country with a deficit in the trillions. Is this the legacy we want to leave our children?
Valiant, courageous, ethical, and creative people would be finding a way now to change for the better. We have the creative capacity to come up with a better - and just as profitable, if that is the bottom line - solution for our children's health and prosperity.
Melony

Christmas Blessings

mErRy ChRistMas


MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS

We're closing in on the holiday. 4 days and counting. I am including a new recipe from my friend Jennifer. It is a nice addition to Christmas brunch, is as easy as can be and is delicious!

Section fresh grapefruit, saving the juice. You may also use pre-sectioned grapefruit from the jar. 2 mounding cups of fruit with serve 4-6 people.

Combine 2 cups of juice with 1 cup sugar and bring to a boil. After sugar is dissolved, add 2 cups of cranberries and boil until cranberries pop.

Pour cranberry mixture over the drained citrus and chill well. Right before serving, toss in 1 or 2 sliced bananas.

My Merry Christmas is three cars of my children are Muskogee bound and the rest are just across the street. Santa made a brief visit Saturday night before returning to finish things at the North Pole and all is right with the world. My significant other is whistling Christmas songs around the house and we both are ready for our tribe to descend. I have been to the grocery five times in two days. Everything is wrapped. The tree is actually still alive and full of needles. Ok. I'm ready. Bring on Christmas. chrissie

****Two Weeks and Counting****

Two weeks til Christmas

Where does the time go?

Shopping to do

Then wrapped with a bow.

The teens in your house

Are easy to please,

Ipods and lap- tops

On you put the squeeze.

Razors and Coaches

And flat screened TV's

It seems in your family

A rich Santa you need.

The tree is not decorated

There's no one around,

To help with the trimming

No teen can be found.

Six dozen Christmas cookies

In bright green and red;

Stood alone and unguarded,

Teenage-boys? Enough said.

Gifts for the neighbors

Now must be bought

So much for homemade-

Poinsettas now sought.

Daughter announces

(On Sunday before)

Her friend gifts are needed

So back to the stores.

The house is all polished,

You've worked for a week.

Wait, schools's out today

Your plans get a tweek.

The dishes are stacked

In the sink night and day,

Their clothes you step over,

As this prayer you pray:

Lord help me remember

This time too shall pass

To not be impatient

Nor let life go too fast.

Each stage with our children

Is unique in it's way

Each moment a blessing

Give thanks for today.

Lord give me patience

And guide me as I

Help these children grow

On you I rely.

May the seeds that we've planted

Nurture and grow

And Christmases from now

We'll reflect in the glow

Of children who grew to be

Honest and giving

Loving and strong

And making a living.

It all comes full circle

As around once again

Our daughters and sons

Become women and men.

Merriest of Christmases-Chrissie

Bah Humbug

It's official. My house is ready for Christmas. The lights are up on the house. The garland is on the mantel. The wreath is on the door. My house is happy and so am I.

What makes Christmas such an emotional time? People either love the holiday or hate it. It seems to depend on how our expectations were met as children. If the season was a stable and nurturing event in a life, Christmas is welcomed. If Christmas was an excuse for a dysfunctional family to get more so, adult children now become angry and depressed. Unfortunately, that attitude carries over into their own family and affects their own children.

I am not talking about how many presents are under the tree. I mean, harboring a resentment from long ago that directly impacts those loved most of all. Christmas is an opportunity to make those memories and traditions that are so important in our children's lives. Any time a family gathers together is a chance to mold the people our children will become. Carrying our own baggage into the dynamics is selfish and destructive. Make a conscious choice to at least be neutral- it's only fair.

The climate in a house is directly influenced by the care-givers who live there. Positive energy results in positive results. Grumpy and surly-the opposite.

I wish we "grownups" all had wonderful memories of our childhoods. Unfortunately, many of us were not so lucky. The key to me is to take the good and learn from the bad. Carrying it around like an albatross is counterproductive and more importantly, impacts generations of our families. It there is more than you can deal with alone- get professional help. Talk it out. Resolve. Forgive. Move on.

May this Christmas be a continuation of the good or a new start for you and yours. I wish you a joyful time with all those you love. Take a deep breath and put your big boy pants on. You can do this. Oh, and Merry Christmas! chrissie

Tis the Season

As parents, we try to make Christmas about family, friends, love, beliefs and traditions. As a family, we hope to instill in our children that the holiday is not about what we get, it is about being together and counting our blessings. It is difficult if not impossible to keep the abstract ideal of Christmas over the concrete reality of the holiday in America today. First and foremost December 25th seems more like we are celebrating commercialism, consumerism and all too often, over indulging our kids in the process.

Fortunately, The Committee to Encourage Corporate Philanthropy reports that there is a growing trend of people giving to charities at the holidays - either by making donations in someone's name or by stocking up on gifts from places who donate their proceeds.

In fact, hundreds of thousands of dollars can be collected even when individuals spend just a small amount on an individual gift. So maybe it's time to drag our kids away from their video games, mp3 players, and other expensive toys and teach them a life lesson about helping those less fortunate than they are.

Some great places to look:

http://www.heifer.org - Help families across the globe by sending not just heifers, but milk, honeybees, or wool.

http://www.supportunicef.org/ - Unicef accepts donations and also sells holiday cards and gifts to help children in need

httpdr;//awbridges-tore.stores.yahoo.net/cards.html -awbridge sells all-occasion cards made by children without homes

http://www.ebaygivingworks.com/ - Ebay Giving Works allows you to support nonprofit organizations by purchasing a wide variety of items through Ebay auctions

http://shop.stjude.org/ - Buy gifts online and support St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital

http://www.charitymall.com/ - Buy the items you normally buy through your favorite stores online and a portion of the proceeds goes to fund cancer research

http://www.charitygiftcertificates.org/ - CharityChoice gift cards allow the recipient to donate to up to 3 charities of their choice.

Two local non-profits that help Muskogee's children are Kid Space and CASA. Children in protective custody or in the court system have a safe place and an advocate. Monarch Inc. has Mothers trying to get their lives straightened out and children who through no fault of their own are involved in the process. These kids are waiting for Santa Claus too. The Salvation Army still needs help with their Angel Tree children. Any church can take donations for the Community Food Pantry. Habitat For Humanity always can use a helping hand. The Red Cross serves needs locally and beyond. The "Give Back" list just goes on and on. There are lots of places to give. Make your choice a family decision. Choose the one that speaks to you and your family.

Note: Don't miss An O' Henry Christmas at Muskogee Little Theatre. It opens December 3rd and runs for two weeks. Tickets are available at Sound World and information is at the Muskogee Little Theatre website. chrissie

We Gather Together

Do you have a funny Thanksgiving story? One that just has to be retold every year? The year the dog got the turkey or all the Great Aunts got tipsy while making the gravy? What about a special tradition in your family? Be it silly or somber, is it what signifies the holiday to you and yours? Say, a maiden aunt's crookneck squash turkeys made with colored toothpicks and construction paper. They sat precariously on their little toothpick legs, among the floral centerpiece and old wedding silver. And of course, those certain foods and recipes that your group's Thanksgiving table will never be without. Aunt Sue's Broccoli Salad or long gone Visie's yeast rolls. One taste, and she's back in the kitchen with you, bossing everyone and holding court.

Hands down, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of all. Understand, I love Christmas as much as the next person, but the shopping and decorating and weeks of leading up to, and days of taking down, are not exactly relaxing. It's the holiday that goes on forever. And all those expectations that have to be met. It's nerve-wracking. It's expensive. It's exhausting.

Thanksgiving. Now there's a holiday. You still get the family without the fuss. It's fallish. It's festive. It's fun. Everyone in one place without a game plan. There's time to catch up. Time to reconnect. And best of all, time to remember.

As the preceding generation leaves us, it becomes harder to stay connected. When my Mother and her sister were gone, the cousins all kind of floated, loosey goosey. First our Grandparents, and then our Mothers were no longer in charge. We realized very quickly how much we needed each other. We realized we wanted our children to have what we had been so blessed with. We grew up together with a strong sense of self. We had a knowledge of where we came from and who we were. The greatest gift we could give to our loved ones memory (and the greatest gift to ourselves) was to continue instilling a strong sense of family. Additionally, when we are gone, the younger generation will have each other to support and love them like only family can. They share a history because they have shared their lives.

Cousins move out of their house so you can stay there while your daughter is having heart surgery. Sister-in law's have Valentine parties for your grandchildren and shop better for your family than you do. Brothers sit with your husband while he smokes 25 Thanksgiving turkeys or dog sit their niece's Jack Russell, a dog only family could love. Brothers know why you are who you are, because they were there too. They know all the inside jokes. One key word and you look at each other and burst out laughing. Floyd! HA HA HA. Cousins bring baby presents and cry with you at funerals and have Easter get-togethers because Thanksgiving only comes once a year. Nieces and Nephews grow up with each other and then, these cousins start the marriage and new baby cycle all over again. That's the way it's supposed to work isn't it?

How about it? Put those Christmas lights down! Leave Santa in the attic a day or two more. Let the pumpkins and the mums stay for the weekend. Don't miss this holiday getting ready for the next one. May your Thanksgiving be memorable. May your Thanksgiving be happy. May your Thanksgiving be delicious. And most importantly, may your Thanksgiving be blessed with the gift of family.

New Moon Girls

I found a great on-line magazine. It is called New Moon Girls and is a bi-monthly magazine that is 100% advertising-free. It's topics are the highest-quality content for girls age 8 and up! You won't find diet advice or popularity contests here. Girls can submit art, poetry and articles. There are experts who write columns and answer questions. Topics are covered to empower young women and to help them gain confidence and courage.

This current issue is a good example. A psychotherapist writes about stress.- "A Girls Guide to Chill". What stress is, how to identify it and how to eliminate it is discussed by the expert in a clear and age appropriate manner. Additionally, young contributors add insight and advice to the reader.

Another column is Voice Box- hot topics being the subject. This page is written totally by tweens and teens. This month's subject is Texting and the comments are interesting. Another great column? Be a Shero. You gotta love the message there. This article includes a quiz to match the shero with her accomplishment.

There is a thirteen year old's essay on names and how they impact a girl's life. Her article is great but what an opportunity for budding writers. Teens can contribute to the magazine and actually be published. Could anything better reinforce the importance of literacy and learning? What it takes to construct a sentence, a paragraph and to cover a topic? Why vocabulary and support of a thesis is important. The English teacher in me loves this aspect of New Moon Girls.
Did you know there was a female undercover spy during the Civil War? Read her story in the magazine. How to relate and support friends whose parents are serving in the military is another topic in this issue. How to make a political change and a story about the artist who creates Wonder Woman are other offerings.

New Moon Girls magazine is about helping girls discover and honor their true selves, engage in meaningful pursuits and dialogue, and express their voices in ways that matter.Go to their site and share it with your daughter. It's a fabulous chance to put something safe, creative, positive and entertaining on their computer. Let me know what you think. www.NewMoon.com chrissie

Harpie. Banshee..... Mom??

Remember how you knew by your Mom's tone of voice if you were in trouble? If she was frustrated, tired, frightened or angry? I remember the sound of my Mother's voice as she called up the stairs. A simple request was even and quiet, a confrontation or disagreement was emotional and took the air out of the room.

Sometimes my own tone of voice can sometimes put others off, express impatience, or even indicate feelings that I'm not consciously aware of. I can try to verbalize something in a neutral way but my intonation and tone gives away my true feelings. It helps to hear myself as others hear me. And sometimes it isn't pretty. It shocks me to think that I sound like that at times. I see I still have a lot of work to do - on me.

This may raise a good question for each of us to consider: what's a major shortcoming in the way we interact with others? Perhaps we don’t listen very carefully, or we interrupt people, or we each think we have the right answer. Maybe our shortcoming isn't on the communication front, but we are a procrastinator, or we are disorganized, or we exaggerate so much people aren't sure when we are being accurate or honest. This is important here as we discuss parenting teenagers because I can be pretty sure that this short-coming shows up in our parenting. So now, as we tune into it, we have an opportunity to address it.

Our children are reflections of us in many ways. If we don’t pick up on our shortcomings on our own, we may see them in our child's behavior. We may not recognize it right away, but it is likely that some of the behavior witnessed from our teenager - the behavior that we find most irritating or worrisome, even - is behavior that s/he has learned from us. Let's try to look more objectively at our teenager and consider where they see that behavior being modeled. Oh- and we need to be sure to take a good long look in the mirror.

If we don’t like what we see, take note. Hear ourselves. And make a change. Chrissie

Is it Easter Already?

November 1st. How can it possibly be November 1st? I have to argue that as I get older, really and truly, the world is turning on it's axis faster. One blink and another week has passed. Two blinks and another month comes around. I can't even fill in a daily calendar anymore. The day is over before I can write something down.

Is this a phenomenon you have also experienced? It's not that I don't notice time passing. I do. I just can't seem to slow it down. Didn't I just put my Thanksgiving decorations away? Really. Now, I am pulling them down again.

Do you remember when Superman made the planet reverse so he could save Lois Lane? I wish that would work for non -super heroes. The question is, what day, hour or minute would one go back to? In Thornton Wilder's classic American play, Our Town, the character of Emily, after dying in childbirth, returns to Grover's Corners and to her childhood home. She sees herself on her twelfth birthday. She sees her Mother preparing breakfast and hears her Father calling good wishes down the stairs. The daily act of living is too painful for her to bear. "Do human beings ever realize life while they live it - every, every minute?" Emily asks.

In the popular musical, RENT, the signature song, Seasons of Love addresses time and how it is spent by each of us.

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, moments so dear.

Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in tears.

I can't explain why life seems to be going so much faster. I can only promise myself to live it as best I can. To live intentionally and to never take a day for granted. I refuse to dwell on the negatives. I will change what I can and release what I can't. I won't look back someday and wish I had- I will look back and smile, because I did.

I don't care how sappy, if I love you, you will know it. I don't care how long something takes. We will share wonderful food together, travel to places we have never seen. We'll have parties for no reason and I will be there for those I love through thick and thin. We'll seize all opportunities to make memories and to just be together. Every single day is a gift and I don't want to waste it. One blink, and one is on the other side of their life. I insist mine will be a great big step. chrissie

It takes A Village

This week will be a short entry. I am too tired to type. Why? Well, you know those teenagers that I am always talking about? They grow up. They get married. They have children. These are your grandchildren. Your heart will grow three times its size the first time you see them through the glass in the hospital. Your life will never be the same.

Back to the tired part. My daughter and her husband take an annual trip to visit a childhood friend. They used to take their children with them. Now their children have school and activities and their own lives. It happens. Enter Oh-Mommy and An-Daddy.

I had four children. I packed countless lunches, helped with mountains of homework, ran thousands of carpools. It's just that I haven't done it in a while. I am out of practice. Well, resting on the used to do it laurels just wouldn't do. I had to jump in with both feet and do it all now.

And I am. My daughter has everything incredibly organized-lists, clothes tagged for each day, people to help-but two brown-eyed children with my DNA are counting on their grandfather and me to run their lives in a way that feels familiar and comforting. I remember a family member who would stay with us when my parents were out of town. She loved us but it was her way or the highway. The days without my parents felt foreign and unfamiliar. Children like familiar.

Today is my last day on duty. I am looking forward to my own bed without a three-year-old sleeping on my head. Can't wait to drink my coffee at 7:00 A.M. and not have to move quite so fast. It will be nice to watch the news instead of Dinosaur Train. But last night, after the 3rd bedtime story, my granddaughter, almost asleep, put her arms around me and said, " I don't want this to be your last night Oh-Mommy." And today, as I dropped my grandson off at pre-school, he turned around, shot me his huge grin, gave me a cavalier wave and said, "Goodbye Oh-Mommy. Don't forget I love you!!" .....and ran into his school, without me.

Your heart three times as big? Let me amend that. Make that four. Oh-Mommy. I mean Chrissie