On The Same Page

Teenagers are brilliant. Teenagers are intuitive. Teenagers are clever. A teenager can sense weakness and shatter a parent's best intentions. A Mother and a Father with a difference of opinion are a chink in the armor of parenting. A Mother and Father in a parenting standoff are the million dollar payoff for their teen.

Co-parenting takes a plan. It takes strategy. It takes compromise. Here are several tips from one Sue Blaney to insure a united front when it comes to parenting your teenager.

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

Raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. chrissie

Texting our Teens

Communicating with our children has taken a whole new direction. Texting was something I initially did not use to contact someone. I was too slow typing what I wanted to say and I needed the feedback of a real voice to communicate. As time has passed, I find myself texting more and calling less.

I read an interesting article recently. The writer argues that kids need to hear their parent's voice. Instant messaging may be one of the hottest ways for kids to communicate, but it doesn't hold a candle to hearing Mom when you're a stressed-out tween.

For young girls, the sounds of a mother's reassuring words over the telephone were as soothing as talking with her in person, finds a new study. When researchers compared these reactions to daughters who had only a high-tech IM exchange with their Moms, they found the girl's stress levels were similar to those who had no contact with a parent at all.

"Hearing one another is still an important part of human communication," says Leslie Seltzer, a post-doctoral fellow in biological anthropology at the University of Wisconsin. The study tracked 68 girls between the ages of seven-and-a-half and 12. All the girls completed a questionnaire about their mother-daughter relationships and were given a 15-minute task to test their math and verbal skills.

Afterward the girls were assigned to one of four groups: One saw and spoke with their mother for 15 minutes after the stressful task, a second had a phone conversation for the same amount of time, a third could instant message their Moms, and a fourth had no parental communication.

Participants had both their cortisol levels in their saliva, a measure of stress hormones, as well as their oxytocin levels in the urine, a hormone linked with mother-child bonding, tested frequently during the experiment. Scientists found that stress levels of the girls who had no parental interaction were similar to those who texted and were higher overall than girls who had direct or verbal contact with their mothers. And the girl's who texted did not release oxytocin, a response comparable to those having no parental contact.

"Instant messaging falls short of the mark when it comes to conveying a hormonal signal of comfort," explains Seltzer. "It makes sense that the hormones responsible for attachment and stress-buffering would respond to social vocalizations, which are several billion years old, as opposed to writing in any form, which is a very recent innovation," she adds.

Interestingly, the strength of the mother-daughter relationship didn't seem to influence communication. And while tweens may IM their peers for comfort, exchanging texts with Mom may be totally different. A daughter's stress levels could possibly climb if a parent is not as quick with the words or as adept with the technology as her friends.

Seltzer says she would be surprised if a generation who have grown up texting and IMing will have a different physiological response to their child's use of these technologies when they eventually become parents.

"That would represent an ability very unique to humans -- the ability to elicit a hormonal cascade in response to viewing symbols," Seltzer explains. Talk about evolution.

But for now, with our own children, it seems they need to hear our voice. Communicating by texting does not offer the emotional support our sons and daughters need to feel safe and comforted. See, we knew it all along! Chrissie

Middle School Angst

Ask any adult you know: Which school years were hardest for you? Then brace yourself for a grimace, followed by one of these responses:

a) Middle school.
b) Ninth grade.
c) All of the above.

Why are those years so harrowing for so many, decade after decade? Well, besides the raging hormones, acne, peer pressure, impersonal schools, cliques, bullying and, these days, the potential for kids to destroy their reputations for life on Facebook, there’s also this: the birth throes of an adult brain.

“Whoever you were in the ninth grade you probably still are as an adult,” said Howard Gradet of Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Social Organization of Schools. “You don’t change all that much. We cover it up for a lot of reasons as adults, but that ninth-grader is still recognizable today. Reading this statement struck a chord with me. I see this as valid in how I see myself and how I see my now grown children.

Reducing drama and trauma
Growing numbers of parents are deciding that traditional public schools aren’t doing enough to answer those questions for their kids. They’re hungry for alternatives during this difficult chapter of their children’s lives. And, as it turns out, alternatives abound.

Some parents yank their kids out of public school and opt for private school or home-schooling instead. Others turn to charter schools for tuition-free options. Still others, whose kids may be having a hard time focusing in large, chaotic classrooms, seek out online classes. In fact, online learning programs are becoming so popular that more than 4 million students participated in them in 2010, according to the International Association of K-12 Online Learning.

Students can tackle core academic subjects at their own pace. One 14 year old states, “Having 38 kids in a classroom is very challenging,” she said, noting how long it can take the teacher to get the room under control. “This way I’ll really be able to focus on learning well without being distracted by other kids ... I usually get the information the first time, so having to go over it again and again can be a source of frustration for me.”

Additionally, a sensitive teen will be spared at least some of the “puberty and dramas” of middle school.

You may argue that middle school is ‘training for life.' On-line proponents argue, "when is life like this? When else in your life are you surrounded by 30 other kids your exact same age who are catty, gossiping, with hormones raging? But we have this idea that it’s a rite of passage. A rite of passage for what? Trauma? As a parent, we sheepishly answer, "well...no"

If your child is having a hard time with the middle school transition- do your homework. No matter how much your kids don’t want you to, know what’s going on in their school. Experts advise, Go to the school if you have to. Find out why they’re depressed. Maybe they’re being picked on, or maybe there’s a teacher who’s making them miserable. Something’s not right.”

James Gradet of Johns Hopkins University is an expert on educating ninth-graders, Gradet said it’s all too common for parents to take an excessively hands-off approach once their kids reach high school. Parents do this with good motives, thinking their teenagers need to learn how to go it alone as they get older.

“You do have to back off to an extent, that’s true, but it’s not an all-or-nothing thing,” Gradet said. “It’s easy to think, ‘Whew, I got him to this point and now he’s safe.’ No, he’s not safe. Stay involved. Check his notebook. Show an interest. That really says something to a kid. He thinks, ‘My parents are still interested in what I’m doing, and I still have to answer to them.’ ”

A new middle-schooler getting overwhelmed in a new, huge school — is alarmingly typical. Large, impersonal settings can make it easy for a student to feel invisible, and that sense of invisibility can put a student at risk of dropping out.

“In a typical high school, where the ninth-grade kids are all over the building, their first-period class may be on the first floor of C wing and their second-period class may be on the third floor of A wing,” Gradet said. “There’s a lot of space in between where you can find something to do that’s more fun than going to that next class.”

Gradet and his colleagues have helped to pioneer a “talent development” model for ninth grade that has been implemented in hundreds of public schools around the country — in part to counteract the more than 1,600 large high schools they’ve identified as “dropout factories” because they graduate 60 percent or less of their students. About 2.1 million students attend such beleaguered schools across the United States.

In the talent development model, all the ninth-graders stay together all day in the same section of the school, and all the students and teachers get to know each other well. “The kids aren’t invisible — they can’t be invisible.

Other parents have opted for private school for their kids — regardless of cost. Many parents choose this route because they’re deeply affected by private schools’ results. A Department of Education study of students who attended private schools affiliated with the National Association of Independent Schools revealed that 99 percent graduated from high school, and more than 90 percent went on to four-year colleges.

Unfortunately, private schools are an income dilemma. Tuition is expensive and that doesn't include curriculum or food or uniforms. Home-schooling is another popular option and has become mainstream. Resources, materials and support are readily available through the internet. Home Schooling has moved to mainstream and there is no stigma anymore. It is an increasingly popular choice for parents who have the time and the inclination to educate their own children.

Traditional middle school, on-line, private, charter or home-school? There are now several options available to your family. What is important is that the choices you make can impact your child for a lifetime. Reducing drama and trauma. Keep tuned in and all lines of communication open as your child makes this next important step in his/her education and life. chrissie

What's a Phone Book?

The current freshmen entering college who will make up the Class of 2015 have no remembrance of what life was like before the Internet, what this whole Communist Party fuss was about in Russia and that Amazon was once just known as a river in South America.

Ferris Bueller could technically be their dad at this point, and they probably don’t know the name of the bar where everybody knows your name. What follows is used to help college professors relate to their students, particularly, their incoming Freshman class.

College Mindset List was created by former Beloit College public affairs director Ron Nief and Keefer Professor of Humanities Tom McBride to ensure the faculty would avoid out-of-touch references in their work and lectures. Compiled at www.mindsetmoment.com, the list has also served to illustrate the speed at which what was once current can become old in an instant.

This year’s incoming class has no memory of the George Bush who once famously uttered, “Read my lips: No new taxes.’’ To them, he is just the elderly father of the George Bush who famously declared “Mission accomplished!’’ on an aircraft carrier when talking about operations in Iraq.

Text messaging has been a normal part of life, while dialing a phone (what's a dial?) sounds like something out of the Stone Age. The thought of O.J. Simpson running a football rather than running from the law is hard to fathom. Any story that starts to drag on gets cut short with a quick “yadda, yadda, yadda.’’

Below are the top 20 items from the list of 75 cultural touchtones compiled by Beloit College. Other highlights include “Dial-up is soooooooooooo last century!’’ “Music has always been available via free downloads,’’ and “Some of them have been inspired to actually cook by watching the Food Channel.’’

In the sports world, “They’ve always wanted to be like Shaq or Kobe: Michael Who?’’ At Mass, the presence of an altar girl merits a shrug. When it’s time to end that relationship, why do it in person when texting, Facebook, or MySpace will do the trick?

The Top 20

1. There has always been an Internet ramp onto the information highway.
2. Ferris Bueller and Sloane Peterson could be their parents.
3. States and Velcro parents have always been requiring that they wear their bike helmets.
4. The only significant labor disputes in their lifetimes have been in major league sports.
5. There have always been at least two women on the Supreme Court, and women have always commanded U.S. Navy ships.
6. They “swipe” cards, not merchandise.
7. As they’ve grown up on websites and cell phones, adult experts have constantly fretted about their alleged deficits of empathy and concentration.
8. Their school’s “blackboards” have always been getting smarter.
9. “Don’t touch that dial!”….what dial?
10. American tax forms have always been available in Spanish.
11. More Americans have always traveled to Latin America than to Europe.
12. Amazon has never been just a river in South America.
13. Refer to LBJ, and they might assume you're talking about LeBron James.
14. All their lives, Whitney Houston has always been declaring “I Will Always Love You.”
15. They have no idea what a roll of film is.
16. Women have never been too old to have children.
17. Japan has always been importing rice.
18. Jim Carrey has always been bigger than a pet detective.
19. We have never asked, and they have never had to tell.
20. Life has always been like a box of chocolates.

Forrest Gump aside, the world as we know it is whirling faster and faster. It seems like just yesterday has become my mantra. Blink and another year is gone. Blink and your toddler is off to college. Blink and what seemed relevant is now obsolete. That's it. I am not blinking again! chrissie