Tween How To

Here are the top mistakes parents make with their tweens, and, more importantly, how to avoid them-

by Joanne Barker-WebMD Feature writer.  It is practical and right on.  Ypu have probably noticed that things aren’t the way they used to be. Your 12-year-old no longer comes to you first when she feels hurt or disappointed. When your son misses curfew -- again -- the time-out corner that used to work wonders is now simply, lame. As your child grows into adolescence, you need to adapt your tried-and-true parenting skills to a rapidly changing world.

As tempting as it might seem, don’t throw away everything you know about your child -- or yourself as a parent. Your teenager may seem like a stranger in your home, but behind the slammed doors and mood swings, she is still your child. You will face many unknowns in the years ahead. What you can expect is that your limits will be tested and your patience will, at times, wear thin. Here are the top mistakes parents make with their teens and tweens, and how to avoid them.

Tween Parenting Mistake # 1: Expect the Worst

Teenagers get a bad rap, says Richard Lerner, PhD, director of the Institute for Applied Research in Youth Development at Tufts University. Many parents approach raising teenagers as an ordeal, believing they can only watch helplessly as their lovable children transform into  unpredictable monsters. Expecting the worst sets parents and teens up for several unhappy, unsatisfying years together.
“The message we give teenagers is that they’re only ‘good’ if they’re not doing ‘bad’ things, such as doing drugs, hanging around with the wrong crowd, or having sex,” Lerner tells WebMD. Raising teenagers with negative expectations can actually promote the behavior you fear most. According to a recent study conducted at Wake Forest University, teens whose parents expected them to get involved in risky behaviors reported higher levels of these behaviors one year later.
Lerner urges parents to focus on their teenagers’ interests and hobbies, even if you don’t understand them. You could open a new path of communication, reconnect with the child you love, and learn something new.

Tween Parenting Mistake #2: Read Too Many Parenting Books

Rather than trusting their instincts, many parents turn to outside experts for advice on how to raise teens. “Parents can tie themselves into knots trying to follow the advice they read in books,” says Robert Evans, EdD, executive director of the Human Relations Service, Wellesley, Mass., and author of Family Matters: How Schools Can Cope with the Crisis in Child Rearing.
“Books become a problem when parents use them to replace their own innate skills,” Evans tells WebMD. “If the recommendations and their personal style don’t fit, parents wind up more anxious and less confident with their own children.”
Use books (and articles like this) to get perspective on confusing behavior and then put them down. Spend the extra time talking with your spouse and children, getting clear about what matters most to you and your family.

Teen Parenting Mistake #3: Sweat the Small Stuff

Maybe you don’t like your daughter’s haircut or choice of clothes. Or perhaps she didn’t get the part in the play you know she deserves. Before you intervene, look at the big picture. If a certain mode of self-expression or set of events does not put your child at risk, give her the leeway to make age-appropriate decisions and live with the results.
“A lot of parents don’t want growing up to involve any pain, disappointment, or failure,” Evans says. But protecting your child from the realities of life robs her of the opportunity to take chances and learn from her mistakes while she’s still under your roof. Step back and let your child know you’re there when she needs you.

Tween Parenting Mistake # 4: Ignore the Big Stuff

If you suspect your child is using alcohol or drugs, do not look the other way. Parents should address suspected drug or alcohol use right away, before it escalates into a bigger problem, says Amelia M. Arria, PhD, director of the Center on Young Adult Health and Development at the University of Maryland School of Public Health.
“The years when kids are between 13 and 18 years old are an essential time for parents to stay involved,” Arria tells WebMD. Parents might consider teen drinking a rite of passage because they drank when they were that age. “But the stakes are higher now,” she says.
More drugs are available today, illegal drugs and legal medications. For example, cough remedies with DXM (dextromethorphan) have become a new drug of choice for some teens. DXM is easy to get and teens and parents alike underrate its potential dangers. Studies show that between 7% and 10% of U.S. teens have reported abusing cough medicine to get high. Although safe when used as directed, DXM can cause hallucinations and disassociations similar to PCP or ketamine (Special K) when used in excessive amounts, as well as rapid heartbeat, unconsciousness, stomach pain, and vomiting.
Watch for unexplained changes in your teen’s behavior, appearance, academic performance, and friends. If you find empty cough medicine packaging in your child’s trash or backpack, if bottles of medicine go missing from your cabinet, or if you find unfamiliar pills, pipes, rolling papers, or matches, your child could be abusing drugs. Take these signs seriously and get involved. Safeguard all the medicines you have: Know which products are in your home and how much medication is in each package or bottle.

Mistake #5: Rule With an Iron Fist, or Kid Gloves

Some parents, sensing a loss of control over their teens’ behavior, crack down every time their child steps out of line. Every day brings a new punishment. The home becomes a war zone. By contrast, other parents avoid all conflict for fear their teens will push them away. They put being a cool parent ahead of setting limits and enforcing rules. For these parents, discipline is a dirty word.
The first style of parenting focuses on obedience above all else. Although the house may run like a tight ship, teens raised in rigid environments don’t have the opportunity to develop problem-solving or leadership skills.
Yet too little discipline does a disservice to teens as well. Teenagers need clear structure and rules to live by as they start to explore the world outside. It is up to parents to establish their household’s core values and communicate these to their children through words and consistent actions. Lerner calls this being an authoritative parent, an approach that “helps children develop the skills they need to govern themselves in appropriate ways.”

Your Child Is Your Child, Through Thick and Thin

Raising teenagers isn’t always easy or smooth, especially when testing parents’ authority is part of growing up. Some days, faced with one teenage eye roll too many, you may wonder if it’s even worth trying.
Keep in mind that your influence runs deeper than you think. Most teens say they want to spend more time with their parents. And teens choose friends that have their parents’ core values. Keep making time for your child throughout the tween and teen years. Even when it doesn’t show, you provide the solid ground they know they can always come home to.  chrissie

Make a List and Check it Twice

How do you breach the barriers of adolescence? Here are 10 parenting tips for raising teenagers
 by Jeanie Lerche Davis, WebMD Feature writer.  It is a short and easy How To that sums up all the most important aspects of parenting teens. If you have a teen or tween in your house, cut this out like a recipe and follow the directions!  Have a great holiday this weekend and I'll see you next week.  chrissie

 1. Give kids some leeway. Giving teens a chance to establish their own identity, giving them more independence, is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world. "But if it means he's going out with a bad crowd, that's another thing," says Elkind.

2. Choose your battles wisely. "Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (like a tattoo), those things matter," says Kaslow. "Purple hair, a messy room -- those don't matter." Don't nitpick.

3. Invite their friends for dinner. It helps to meet kids you have questions about. "You're not flat-out rejecting them, you're at least making an overture. When kids see them, see how their friends act with their parents, they can get a better sense of those friends," Elkind tells WebMD. "It's the old adage, you catch more bears with honey than vinegar. If you flatly say, you can't go out with those kids, it often can backfire -- it just increases the antagonism."

4. Decide rules and discipline in advance. "If it's a two-parent family, it's important for parents to have their own discussion, so they can come to some kind of agreement, so parents are on the same page," says Bobrow. Whether you ban them from driving for a week or a month, whether you ground them for a week, cut back on their allowance or Internet use -- whatever -- set it in advance. If the kid says it isn't fair, then you have to agree on what is fair punishment. Then, follow through with the consequences.

5. Discuss 'checking in.' "Give teens age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately," says Kaslow. "But you need to know where they are. That's part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening, to check in. But that depends on the teen, how responsible they have been."

6. Talk to teens about risks. Whether it's drugs, driving, or premarital sex, your kids need to know the worst that could happen.

. Give teens a game plan. Tell them: "If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me -- I don't care if it's 3 in the morning," says Bodrow. Or make sure they have cab fare. "Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face," she suggests. "Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable for that child."

8. Keep the door open. Don't interrogate, but act interested. Share a few tidbits about your own day; ask about theirs. How was the concert? How was the date? How was your day? Another good line: "You may not feel like talking about what happened right now. I know what that's like. But if you feel like talking about it later, you come to me," Elkind suggests.

9. Let kids feel guilty. "I think too much is made about self-esteem," says Elkind. "Feeling good about yourself is healthy. But people should feel bad if they have hurt someone or done something wrong. Kids need to feel bad sometimes. Guilt is a healthy emotion. When kids have done something wrong, we hope they feel bad, we hope they feel guilty."

10. Be a role model. Your actions -- even more than your words -- are critical in helping teens adopt good moral and ethical standards, says Elkind. If they have a good role model from early on, they will be less likely to make bad decisions in their rebellious teen years.

Choose Carefully

School is quickly coming to a close and with the end of the school year, a look toward new beginnings.What follows is a letter by Rod Zimmerman, to his children as they were leaving for college. 

Zimmerman reflects upon his first 50 years in a letter to his college age children about how to wisely choose their friends. It started as private, family email. But the children realized the potential of this Life Lessons letter for mentoring people - throughout life - and encouraged their father to share it widely. I like what he has to say.  I think you will too. chrissie

Dear Danielle and Jonathan,

Good luck tomorrow on your first day of school, Danielle's senior year and Jonathan's freshman year at the University of Missouri.  I love you both and am bursting with pride about your accomplishments and potential to make a contribution in the world.  I am also pleased that you live in the same city, Columbia, and hope that you can continue to be a source of strength for each other.

As I close my eyes, the years melt away, and I can see myself at your ages, 18 and 21, on my college campus: walking to class, browsing in the book store, engaged with friends, playing sports, studying late at night, and just being inspired by the motivated and talented people surrounding me.  You are so fortunate now.

But the time between being a college student and being the parent of college students passes so quickly.  To help you use your time well, I have compiled a list of life lessons.  It draws upon my interactions with many people.  It draws upon my many failures, as well as my successes.  

Everyone deserves respect and compassion as a human being. But my hope is that as you meet new people, especially people with whom you may become close or intimate, you can use it to sort out who you can trust.  As your grandfather drove me to college in 1976, he tried to do something similar by quoting Shakespeare.  But his advice was over my head.  So I will try to be more practical with you two.  In a few years, perhaps you can do even better?

Love, Dad
  
  Do you have a good relationship with your parents, or if this is not possible, have you made peace with your parents?

We are born into this world dependent on parents and immediate family for everything that we need to survive.  What kids learn from this experience depends on how well their parents lived up to this trust.  Did the parents act maturely, in the best interests of their kids?  Watch out for people who were neglected or abused, even verbally, by their parents.  Unless they are making peace with it as adults, their unresolved anger at being hurt by a protector could turn into rage and explode on you.

Remember the ethics that you learned in the Ten Commandments, "Honor your Father and Mother ...".  It does not say love your parents. Love between people is voluntary.   No parents are perfect and some are abusive.  So it is a good sign when someone rises above all of our imperfections and finds a way to at least honor their parents.  Yet if you observe a person dishonoring someone else, especially one of their own parents, be realistic. Ask why you would have confidence that they might consistently honor or love you.

People who view one or both of their parents as heroes may be prepared to transfer that trust to a deserving third person - perhaps you - especially if you remind them of the parent that they view as a hero.

)  Are you comfortable in your own skin?

When you look in the mirror do you like the person who stares back?  Any body type can have inner beauty.  Watch out for people who strongly dislike part of their own body. 

People can't be more honest with you than they are with themselves.  When someone says they are working hard, are they being completely honest or are they fooling themself?  The same with diet and exercise. 

Associate with people who bravely deal with bad news.  The famous boxer Joe Louis once said, "He can run, but he can't hide."  People who are honest with themselves insist on hearing bad news and responding to it immediately.

3)  Do you consistently help and avoid hurting people, including yourself and others?
  
Associate with people who make helping others a priority in their lives.  Look deeper than their choice of professions and ask whether they truly enjoy helping others.  Consistently helping includes making the ordinary fun, being generous, and settling disputes.  Avoid hurting yourself includes substance abuse - alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy food.

My Hindu friends say, "Help ever, hurt never."  Ever and never are high standards, with many cases that appear to have both help and hurt.  Examples: hurt a little now, but help much in the long-run; or hurt yourself a bit to greatly help someone else.  Gravitate towards people who find the middle ground. Watch out for people who are unrealistic, doormats, or selfish.

4)  Who are your mentors and mentees?

Successful people commonly volunteer to help others become successful.  The good feeling that comes from mentoring can be more powerful than money.  Especially in your early career, the mentoring of a good boss may be more valuable than your paycheck.

So it is a good sign when someone has attracted mentors and freely gives them credit.  It is also a good sign when someone who is already successful takes the time to raise others up.  Watch out for people who claim to be successful and say they did it all on their own.  Some people are partially ready for this question and can tell you about their mentors, but not their mentees.  They don't get it. 

5)  Who are your friends and colleagues?

It is a good sign if someone loyally maintains friendships over many years.  Look at the people surrounding a potential new friend or colleague.  Would you want to associate with them? 

Watch out for people who rely upon control, rather than up-front, principled, mutual interest.  A loyal friend will keep your interests in mind and suggest win-win compromises, when your interests diverge. 

Listen circumspectly to what people communicate, spoken and unspoken, as if you had a third ear connected to your heart.

• Loyal Friends find a moment when your heart & mind are open to convey hard truths - to help you.
• Flatterers can't wait  to tell you what you want to hear - to help themselves a little.
• Frauds stage a moment to knock you off-balance - to leverage your resources for their great benefit.

Look at how people manage expectations.  Do they know what they want and is it just? Do they say anything to get their way?  Or do they under promise and over deliver?  Do they set reasonable boundaries or are their boundaries fluid? 

When you work on teams, be on guard for conflicts of interest popping up around you, especially these signs: ambiguous responsibilities, withholding of best efforts, partial disclosures, and conflicting loyalties. 

Nurture your friendships, but listen to your inner voice.  Once in a while, if you schedule an event that later seems forced, postpone it with confidence.  People who you would want as friends will understand.  A similar event may be just around the corner - and even more fun.

6)  Do you consistently follow these guidelines?

Watch how people respond after hard-won success or bitter failure.  Some people's worst mistakes occur soon after hard-won success.  Others are quitters, who take themselves out of the game after failures. 

Limit your time in the company of non-optimistic people.  When possible, avoid working for non-optimistic people.  While you may rationalize the money that you earn, you may be exposing your soul to their emotional kryptonite and risk losing what makes you super.

In business, venture capitalists invest to accelerate success, but usually not to make the difference between success and failure.  Similarly, be open to the possibility of growth in people, but be humble about your ability to change them.  Anybody can say that they have changed.  Believe it only after you understand the struggle that caused change and after you see deeds that demonstrate it.

No one succeeds all the time.  100% is an "A" in school.  But in the real world of risk & reward, 80% to 90% is an "A." But if you are under-challenged and miss a chance to learn from mistakes, 100% might be a "B." 

The keys to success are to prioritize according to your passions & values, manage your time & health, learn from mistakes, delegate unambiguously, adapt continuously, forgive quickly (yourself & others), apologize bravely, and fight persistently.  Success in major goals, like earning a degree, running a business, recovering from severe illness, or nurturing love at times requires the visible commitment of your total strength & restraint from pursuing conflicting goals.  

* * *

Thanks for listening and tolerating your old man.  At least a few times in your life, you will fall into trouble.  In fact, I hesitated to write this letter, out of concern that you might be reluctant to seek my help, if you did not follow my advice.  Don't worry. I am still working towards these ideals myself.  Count on my best efforts to help you, just as many people help me.  I am your friend, as well as your father.

Be careful in applying these life lessons not to dismiss people.  An early mentor told me that he silently asks these questions as he meets new people:  Would I trust this person with managing a $1,000 project?  a $10,000 project?  a $100,000 project?  Be open to many role players in your life, but remember your few, true, lifelong friends.

Everyone deserves respect and compassion as a human being. But raise the bar for the bigger projects in your career and the most important relationships of your life.  Don't worry that you will be lonely in your selectivity.  Follow these Life Lessons yourself, while being active in the world, and like-minded people will find you. 

Mother's Day is Every Day

Mother's Day is almost here.  Younger Mothers will be served breakfast in bed, open crayola scribbled cards and scotch taped gifts of plaster hand prints and drugstore perfume.  Mothers of teens will have lunch with their children, and hopefully a truce and a conversation.  Those of us with grown children may get phone calls and flowers delivered to our front door or actually the day brings them all home.  Our children gathering where they grew, to honor the one who loves them most of all.

I got an early Mother's Day present last weekend.  My third born, Catherine, recently purchased a house in Oklahoma City.  The bones of the house are grand, it just needs a little TLC and polish to bring the old girl to its full potential.  I had great fun Saturday, shopping with Caroline and Catherine to pull things together and to prioritize projects.  A dear friend joined us that evening with wine and conversation.  On Sunday, all the family came to help where needed and to celebrate a grand event in their sister's life.   I spent some time on the yard- her sister painted, one brother rolled his eyes but tackled a sidewalk project with his Father and the other brother are his sandwich and watched all the action.  Friends were coming in and out, doors were slamming, neighbors were walking by- it was a busy day on West 25th.  It was one of many good days to come.

It's the journey.  How blessed we are to be part of our children's milestones as they write their own life story. How blessed we are to be invited to participate and to contribute.  How blessed we are to also stand back, to contemplate, to observe our children-go from "who they will be" to "who they are."

No matter where you are in the lives of your children, enjoy this weekend.  Happy Mother's Day.  chrissie

The Big Step- Thirteen

When our children were small, we could set their daily schedules.  When to eat, when to sleep, when the tv could be on.  We fed them what we wanted them to eat and we dressed them in what we wanted them to wear.  We orchestrated their social life and their activities.  As they enter their teens, it all begins to change. These dependent beings start to think for themselves.  It is terrifying.    They take over the responsibility of their behaviors and routines as they get older and become more independent. It is important for parents to strive (as in really, really, try) to set goals for their teen's everyday behaviors. The goal is that teens can learn good habits and routines that will follow them throughout their lives. While teens all assume responsibilities and learn independence at their own rate, there are behaviors, thirteen seems to be an average stepping off point..

Thirteen-year-old teens are finishing up one phase of life - leaving childhood behind - and entering another one - becoming a teen. This is the basis for their daily behaviors and issues. When parents keep this in mind, it becomes easier to deal with the changes in their "normal behavior."

Teen Wellness Issue: Diet and Nutrition

Your 13-year-old is going to want to decide for herself whether she wants to eat something or not. As with many things related to teenagers, food is about a teen's choices, not their diets and wellness. They want to have a say. This is often the reason behind a picky eater. Once you begin to give your 13-year-old child the leeway to make those decisions, you may see them starting to try things they have never eaten before. A key aspect to getting teens to eat better is in the choices you offer them - not in choosing for them. Keep your kitchen stocked with healthy snacks like fruit, raw vegetables, popcorn, or cheese and whole grain crackers.. Pay attention to what healthy snacks they enjoy and keep them stocked.

Teen Wellness Issue: Sleep

Most 13-year-old teens are not so much concerned about sleeping as they are about having a "bedtime" rule. They feel that having a certain time in which they are told to go to bed is childish, and they are no longer a child. They are a teenager, almost in high school, and no one in high school has a bedtime, according to the world of a 13-year-old teen.
This is understandable and probably one of the first ways you will see your child stretch his independence muscles. Talk to them about the entire family's routine and then compromise on a bedtime that fits into that schedule.

Teen Wellness Issue: Exercise and Fitness

It is very important for the 13-year-old to get into an exercise and fitness habit. Studies have shown that the more teenagers exercise, the more likely they will carry that good habit into adulthood. This is true of every teen - not just athletic kids.
Parents often feel that if their kids are in sports at school, they are getting the exercise they need. Finding a sport your child likes and is good for them - physically and for their self-esteem - is important. But organized sports last only one season and don't really help your teen maintain a healthy fitness habit. The federal government and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend that adolescents get 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise most days - preferably daily.
Thirteen-year-old teens are a bit clumsy because of their growing bodies. This may lead to one or two accidents when they are playing games or doing fitness exercises. You just might want to carry your medical insurance card and their Social Security number when you go to their games, just in case.

Behaviors, Responsibilities and Discipline

Because your 13-year-old has been slowly developing independent responsibilities for a few years and is looking for more privileges, now is a good time to stretch their capabilities by being able to take on complicated responsibilities without much help - if any - from adults. At this age, your teenager is able to care of younger siblings on their own. They can strip the bed sheets off and remake the bed. They can do dishes.  Their laundry. Mow the lawn. Help with dinner. So, when your 13-year-old asks for a new freedom, attach a new responsibility so they can learn how to earn their privileges. Discipline techniques for your child should begin to change as well. You will need to be sure you are very clear with your messages. Talk with your teen and follow through when she does something wrong. Get your bluff in now- if you don't, it will just get more difficult. Promise. Chrissie