Whew. Almost Here!

It's almost here.  We have shopped and polished and mailed.  We have delivered and cooked and wrapped. The tree is decorated.  The turkey's  defrosting.  The  presents are wrapped and waiting.  Christmas is almost here.  

This is my favorite time. Everything is ready and I am anticipating the arrival of my family.  The house is sparkling.  The freezer is full.  Expectations and excitement.  And of course the reality when they all come roaring through the door. Chaos. Noise.  Dirty clothes.  Dirty dishes. The sounds of my family as they come home.  For Christmas. Finally!

What follows is an essay by Annie Lamott. one of my favorite writers.  She shares some interesting insight about the season and the expectations and  traditions that surround it.  If you are not familiar with her work, Lamott's guide to writing and to life, Bird by Bird or  Stitches , a book about hope and healing, are great places to start.  Enjoy.  Oh and Merry Christmas. Chrissie.

We did it! It's December 22: we are within striking distance of December 26. That means there shalt be parking spaces again. There shalt not be any more bell ringers, or Rudolph, or Almond Roca. No more chocolate covered Peppermint Bark, barking its way past our clenched teeth. No more deeply unhinged people beaming at us with a rictus of holiday mirth, wishing they had a grenade. No more young children shaking wrist bells at us, plotting our overthrow.

Now, by the same token:

It IS the last Sunday of Advent: let there be light, and let it begin with me. Let others see the Light inside me, through my cracks and dents. More Light! Each day will be a tiny bit longer; the Spring is coming. We are so much closer to the Spring the we were in the glory days of September. it's time to plant bulbs. No, no, you didn't blow it--it's never too late. We plant them in the cold and dark, in rocky soil that nicks our fingers, and yet when they bloom, daffodils and paper whites, each one is like a candle with a stamen, not a wick. They remind us that nothing--nothing!--is ever lost. It just may not be its time to appear yet.Bulbs and then...wait...wildflowers.

Once on a cold dark mid-December's day, I happened to be at the Book Depot in Mill Valley with Wendell Berry, who said gently, "It gets darker and darker and darker, and then Jesus is born." I love that so much.
 
 I wish God had consulted me when God thought up December. I would have said, "Dawg! Don't do it." Seriously, it's one of those thoughts that you have at 2:00 with a bunch of other cokeheads, that seems like a good idea at the time--which will be the title of my autobiography. It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time. Really, if God had thought to ask, I would have put the kabosh on December, snakes, and tonsils. Ixnay on the ats-ray, too, Dude.

But at the same time, we've done it--we've come through. It's like coming through labor, where you realize midway that you don't like children but you push on. The holy days are a mixed-grille: holy and hard. Yet when the motley group of relatives and riff-raff that we call "our family" gathers for a meal, here is what we may note, if we remember the priest who said, "Sometimes I think that Heaven is just a new pair of glasses:

We'll see everybody at their best and worst, meaning well, sharing what they can. Trying not to drink so much, trying not to nag so much or provoke; trying to be better than they are. We will see people who used to hate each other passing and receiving the gravy, and that is what grace looks like. We will see stingey people who have spent too much on our children. Along with the horrible sweet potato dish and Almond Roca wrappers, we'll see good will. Good will--Wow. 

We'll see relief on the faces of the old, that the family is intact, ish --and that is a miracle. We will see hope in the talented teenagers. We'll see too many people squished in at the table, because we invited people who had nowhere else to be. It will be the loaves and the fish and the terrible sweet potatoes. And wonder of wonders, we'll see forgiveness marbled throughout it all. Hammarskjold said that Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again. Or at least, broken things that work well enough again, against all odds.

I would fall to my knees and say thank you, if I could, without risking seriously body harm. So I am not going to say that prayer today: I am going to BE it.  Thank you.  

Bah Humbug!

It's official. My house is ready for Christmas. The lights are up on the house. The garland is on the mantel. The wreath is on the door. My house is happy and so am I.

What makes Christmas such an emotional time? People either love the holiday or hate it. It seems to depend on how our expectations were met as children. If the season was a stable and nurturing event in a life, Christmas is welcomed. If Christmas was an excuse for a dysfunctional family to get more so, adult children now become angry and depressed. Unfortunately, that attitude carries over into their own family and affects their own children.

I am not talking about how many presents are under the tree. I mean, harboring a resentment from long ago that directly impacts those loved most of all. Christmas is an opportunity to make those memories and traditions that are so important in our children's lives. Any time a family gathers together is a chance to mold the people our children will become. Carrying our own baggage into the dynamics is selfish and destructive. Make a conscious choice to at least be neutral- it's only fair.

The climate in a house is directly influenced by the care-givers who live there. Positive energy results in positive results. Grumpy and surly-the opposite.

I wish we "grownups" all had wonderful memories of our childhoods. Unfortunately, many of us were not so lucky. The key to me is to take the good and learn from the bad. Carrying it around like an albatross is counterproductive and more importantly, impacts generations of our families. It there is more than you can deal with alone- get professional help. Talk it out. Resolve. Forgive. Move on.

May this Christmas be a continuation of the good or a new start for you and yours. I wish you a joyful time with all those you love. Take a deep breath and put your big boy pants on. You can do this. Oh, and Merry Christmas!  Chrissie

So, Where Do I Start?

Here we are. In the middle of the Christmas season. snowed in and stranded- with our children!  If you have a teen or preteen sleeping upstairs, perhaps it's a good time to go back over the helpful tips from those who went to graduate school to help us with our kids. Heidi M Sallee M.D. offers some expert advice on parenting and living with those children we call teens.

You've lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the back-to-school blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so much anxiety?
When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.
Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help kids grow into the distinct individuals they will become.

Understanding the Teen Years

So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.
But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics. These are certainly the most visible signs of puberty and impending adulthood, but kids who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) also can be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.
Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in. Their peers often become much more important, as compared with their parents, in terms of making decisions.
Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become very aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.

Butting Heads

One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some kids and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teens.
But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their parents in the same way they used to.
As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"

Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years

Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:

Educate Yourself

Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Parents who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.

Talk to Your Child Early Enough

Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions kids have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions. If you don’t know the answers, help them find someone who does, like a trusted friend or your pediatrician.
You know your kids. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:

• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• Are you having any strange feelings?
• Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?

A yearly physical exam is a great time to bring up these things. A doctor can tell your preadolescent — and you — what to expect in the next few years. An exam can serve as a jumping-off point for a good parent/child discussion. The later you wait to have this discussion, the more likely your child will be to form misconceptions or become embarrassed about or afraid of physical and emotional changes.
Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a child more at ease.

Put Yourself in Your Child's Place

Practice empathy by helping your child understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.

Pick Your Battles

If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol, or permanent changes to their appearance.
Ask why your teen wants to dress or look a certain way and try to understand how your teen is feeling. You might also want to discuss how others might perceive them if they look different — help your teen understand how he or she might be viewed.

Set Expectations

Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their parents place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them. Without reasonable expectations, your teen may feel you don't care about him or her.

Inform Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself

The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with kids before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes. Share your family values with your teen and talk about what you believe is right and wrong.
Know your child's friends — and know their friends' parents. Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.

Know the Warning Signs

A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:

• extreme weight gain or loss
• sleep problems
• rapid, drastic changes in personality
• sudden change in friends
• skipping school continually
• falling grades
• talk or even jokes about suicide
• signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
• run-ins with the law

Any other inappropriate behavior that lasts for more than 6 weeks can be a sign of underlying trouble, too. You may expect a glitch or two in your teen's behavior or grades during this time, but your A/B student shouldn't suddenly be failing, and your normally outgoing kid shouldn't suddenly become constantly withdrawn. Your doctor or a local counselor, psy

Respect Kids' Privacy

Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their kids do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your child's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.
In other words, your teenager's room, texts, e-mails, and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, when they'll be returning, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!
Start with trust. Let your teen know that you trust him or her. But, if the trust gets broken he or she may enjoy fewer freedoms until the trust is rebuilt.

Monitor What Kids See and Read

TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.
Teens shouldn't have unlimited access to TV or the Internet in private — these should be public activities. Access to technology should also be limited after certain hours (say 10 PM or so) to encourage adequate sleep. It's not unreasonable to have cell phones and computers off limits after a certain time.

Make Appropriate Rules

Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Teens still need about 8-9 hours of sleep. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew on weekends? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Encourage a reasonable amount of family time together.
Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing child doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Will This Ever Be Over?

As kids progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults.
So remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!
www.kidshealth.org

It's so Simple

 

 How to raise a child to be confident and secure.  Isn't that something we all want to be?  It takes a few simple steps to encourage your teen to be the person you want them to be.

Create Family Rituals:

Having special little customs gives you and your child an opportunity to connect, no matter what else is going on. Studies show that teens who know where they are going, know who they are. 
When your child was smaller, cooking a simple meal together, watching a favorite program as a famly, planting a garden, playing a favorite board game -- these are the kinds of rituals that kids love.It doesn't really matter what your ritual is, as long as it's something you and your child both enjoy. It's important that you continue doing it, even when you're frustrated with your teen. This isn't a privilege that you take away as a punishment. It's something sacred that you do, every night or every week or every month, as a way to connect.

Know Your Child's Personality:

The essence of being a great mom or dad is to really know your child's temperament and to tailor your parenting style to take that into account. Every kid is different -- even in the same family. If you understand each child's individual personality, and deal with that child in the way that suits him best, you'll minimize conflict.

Be A Good Role Model:

Every night, parents should ask themselves, "If my child had only my behavior to learn from today, what would I have taught him?" Probably the most common mistake moms and dads make is that we say one thing and do another. We give our children lectures on self-control and patience, and then explode when we get caught in traffic. We tell them not to gossip, and then turn around and do just that. We urge them to be honest, then let an 11-year-old order from a menu for kids under 10.
That's not to say parents have to be perfect. But when we fall down on the job, we need kids to learn from our mistakes. If you lash out at your child when you're feeling stressed out, for example, you should go back later and say, "I was wrong for yelling at you that way. I should have stayed calmer. I'm sorry." By doing so, you're teaching your child the importance of respect and forgiveness. If you're dealing with a challenging situation, you need to let your child see you're doing your best to cope. When you acknowledge the difficulty ("We're all worried because Daddy has lost his job, but everything will be okay"), you're showing your child that you can manage tough times -- and that will help him learn to do the same.
^{*Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Don't Give Me That Attitude!}

Set Clear Limits:
Children thrive when they grow up in a home that has structure, limits, and rules.  But many parents make the mistake of projecting their own feelings about rules onto their kids. As adults, we don't like people telling us what to do, and we think our children will react negatively to rules. But kids need parents who can impose limits -- and not back down from them.
I'm not saying to make rules just to prove you're the boss. It's important to set limits for a good reason and to explain them to your kids in a loving and caring way. But studies show that having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control and self-reliance.
^{*Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting}

Be Your Child's Biggest Booster:

The single most important thing you can do for your children is to let them know you're absolutely crazy about them. Tell them often that they are terrific. Say, "You are the best thing in my life." Research shows that these kinds of messages make kids resilient and help them deal with disappointment, rejection, and the other unpleasant stuff that life routinely hands out. Surprisingly, a lot of children don't know how much their moms and dads appreciate them, and that's because parents aren't getting the message across. Make a conscious effort to be positive -- even when you're setting limits. Instead of criticizing a kid for fighting with a sibling, for example, say something like, "I know that's not your best effort. I'm sure you love your brother a lot more than you're showing him now." That lets your child know you have faith in him, that you believe in him -- and what can beat that?
^{*Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and School of Medicine, and author of Me, Myself, and I: How Children Build Their Sense of Self}

Make Family Time a Priority:

In recent years, there has been a lot of emphasis on keeping kids challenged -- and busy. We've become servants to our kids -- driving them here and there, scheduling our lives around their activities.
I think it's far more important to make family time your biggest priority than to cater to everybody's individual activities all the time. Eat dinner as a family, even if it means your child won't be able to make a soccer practice. Kids should carve out time for grandparents and other relatives too. Children also need lots of downtime when you can all just relax and be together as a family. Family bonds are an anchor for kids: Their activities will come and go, but family relationships will last a lifetime.