What Goes Around Comes Around

If you are living with a teen, you may be feeling unappreciated.  In fact, you may be feeling down-right hostility and resentment.  Slammed doors and deep sighs may be the norm in your home.  Don't despair. Blogger and college student, Lexi Herrick shares her insight from the perspective of twenty years.  Summer's here!  Enjoy.  Chrissie

To all of the parents out there that feel as though the stubborn adolescent that you created will never change, here is some hope for you. It's just a process to their becoming your biggest fan. To all of the young adults who have this figured out, let your parents know how awesome they are.

 It seems that every time my college-aged friends and I begin telling stories about our families, we always arrive at the same conclusion; our parents are simply the coolest people ever. Now I use the word "cool" because that is the evolution of being a parent that takes place.

When you are a child, your parents are like God. Everything they say and do amazes you and you worship their every move. This is because they control your whole world. No one has really given you any ideas other than those two magical creatures. Somewhere throughout the process of learning about other aspects of life and being influenced by the presence of your peers, your parents start to become the opposite of cool to you. You feel like they just don't "understand you" and all they want to do is "control your life." This phase continues for different amounts of time depending upon who you are. There is no exact science to how long you feel this way. But during this stage you are distant from your parents. You feel you need to escape them. If you are a teenage girl, you actually view your mother as the anti-christ, because for some reason mom is always the more evil one.

 If you're a teenager in general, you think every one of your friends is the absolute most amazing person to ever set foot into your life. You start trying to find things wrong with your parents and reasons why you'd rather lay locked up in your room listening to music than be around those two monsters and their expectations that feel so outrageous to you. Growing up is confusing, and feeling inadequate is natural. Insecurity means despising being questioned, and your parents question you a lot. Therefore you cannot stand them. Everything around you is changing. Friends are kind to you. Friends are also immensely cruel. You just want to be "cool." You want everyone to accept you. Therefore you try relentlessly to accomplish that and keep reiterating your teenage battle cry that you absolutely cannot wait to get the heck away from those awful parents of yours that hold you back. But then at some point, it all changes.

For some, it's when you graduate high school. For others, it is during high school. It can even last longer than college at times. The thing is, life will eventually start showing you how much better your parents are than literally everyone else. The first time you move away or experience any change, you realize all of the people you lose. You are actually friends with maybe two or three of the 15-plus BEST friends you would have died for in middle school or high school. You start watching life change and people change, and then you look around and whom do you see? It's those freaking parents again. You stop trying so hard to be accepted by everyone and cease all attempts to force people to stay in your life. You come to the beautiful realization that you only really need the people who put effort into the relationships that you have with them. You become happy with who you are and no longer feel like you have to impress people into being interested in spending time with you. You don't need to convince people that you're awesome. After all, your parents always thought you were.  

When you get older, you want to spend time with the people in your life who deserve to be there, and you actually appreciate the reasons why they deserve to be there. You remember every school play, dorky awards ceremony, and soccer game that your parents treated like the Olympics or the Oscars. You remember all of the people that made you feel like you weren't good enough and just think about your mom running around taking literally a thousand pictures of you with your friends standing in front of a stupid tree before prom. You realize you were always good enough; you were a celebrity to the coolest people ever. You will spend your entire adolescent years trying to figure out what it means to be "cool" and realize that your parents showed you all along.

I have learned from my parents. Be honest. Be a hard worker. Be dependable. Be kind. Be confident. Be true to yourself. I have learned that if I want to have positive people in my life, I need to choose people who treat me like my parents do. You learned this too I am sure, or you will. You know when a Friday night comes around and the idea of hanging out with your parents sounds like by far the best option. You know when something exciting happens in your life and they're the first ones you run to. You know when you are choosing a couple to double date with, and you know there's only one dynamic duo you want to call. Above all, you know your parents are the  people ever that have put up with as much of your crap, and loved you so unconditionally/   So go, give the coolest people ever a hug or a phone call, they deserve it.

How can I Make it Better?

Julie Fingersh, Huffington Post contributor. discusses college rejection letters.  The high school senior's angst as hopes are dashed with one thin envelope.  She has good insight. Nothing will make it easier but the tips below may help a difficult situation more bearable. Chrissie

Hear that cracking sound? It could be spring bursting into bloom. Or it could be the sound of millions of high school senior hearts breaking over college rejection letters.
If your kid is one of them, here's how it feels: Their future? Shaken and blank. All that misery and sweat invested in the school grind? Wasted. The answer to their innermost question, "Am I worthy?" Delivered in that skinny envelope -- a thunderous "No."
Now parents, you're up. You've got before you one of the most powerful teachable moments ever. And even if you think your teen would rather skin themselves alive than have this conversation with you, just know that you are singularly qualified to help them grieve, reframe and move forward.
Here's how to do it:
Meet them fully in their private hell. Fight the impulse to gloss over or short-circuit their grief. Skip the: "You'll be fine" or "It's their loss." The key to getting over this is dealing with it, not denying or explaining it away. Remember, our kids have been raised on the notion that their entire lives so far have led to this. Help them identify their worst fears and fantasies about what they think this rejection means to their future. Then give them the comfort of knowing that you truly understand and feel their pain.
Tell the truth about your own hardest failures. As parents, our most profound moments of self-doubt and rejection are valuable currency to our kids. Sharing honestly connects us to them on an adult level and will help them normalize this fork in the road. Didn't make honors when all your friends did? Passed over for a promotion you were in line for at work? Got rejected from your top college choice? Our kids need to know that we know -- and have survived -- how lousy and afraid they feel right now. Our skeletons in the closet are the ticket.
Help them see the "Appearance vs. Reality" of this moment. Remember, this is the generation of kids that has been awarded trophies just for showing up to practice. For many of them, rejection this authoritative is staggering. It's not just their future that feels at stake, it's their identity. Create some context for them: This is not the foreshadowing of a new, failing trajectory. This is one answer coming from a very imperfect admissions process run by a stressed-out room of directors trying to figure out how to make objective choices out of impossibly subjective information.
Shed light on the link between college and success. A 2014 Gallup poll found that when it comes to hiring, a mere 9 percent of U.S. business leaders ranked where a candidate went to college as "very important." What does matter most to 84 percent of top employers? Knowledge and applied skills in the field. Then there's the question of knowing how to create a fulfilling life. As we adults know, everyone's got to crack that code for themselves, and one's alma mater is a small piece of the equation. Where you go to school isn't nearly as important as what you make of where you go.
Help them see that a life story is never revealed in the moment. We live our lives in chapters whose bigger picture is revealed only over time. I always thought that I was born to go to Brown University. I knew it from the age of 12. It was my singular, youthful ambition. And yet, I was rejected while my two best friends got in. Devastated doesn't begin to describe what I felt. Reflecting back, I can see that the most joyous, important things in my life today -- my husband, kids and community -- would not have come about if I had gotten in to Brown. All roads lead to where you are. There's no telling what good may come from that skinny envelope.
Reassure them that their hard work has not been wasted. New research shows that the true predictors for a successful life are resilience, flexibility and persistence. All three are learned through failure, not success. Mention this now and they might kill you. But in a few weeks, without a word, email them this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/18/the-9-essential-qualitie_n_4760403.html?utm_hp_ref=email_share
Show them the road ahead. Reframed with the right perspective, this rejection is a pointer towards their next step. After coming to terms with the hand they've been dealt, your teen's job is to get excited about diving into the myriad of options they do have. The trick is to help them see the truth: They are in control. This is their life -- their move. The world is just as huge, wide open and waiting for them as it always was. And they've still got everything they need to end up right where they're meant to be.

It's Too Quiet!

Those of you who still have small children in the house may not believe it, but one day you'll actually miss the piles of laundry and dirty dishes left behind by your little ones. Kids -- they grow up so fast. And while you treasure the ever-evolving relationship you now have with your children as they grow up, admit it: you miss when they were still your babies. 
Huffington Post"s Shelley Emling  asked it's readers about the things they never thought they'd miss once their kids left the house, and here's what they had to say. I would add the conversations around the dinner table. Finally gathering together after a busy day and catching up on our day.  chrissie

1. "The noise and havoc ... of feeding hordes of teenage boys"

"I miss feeding hordes of teenage boys who ate in the 'orange food group': Doritos, mac and cheese, pizza rolls and the like."

2. "Their friends in and out of the house"

3. "Reading before bedtime"

"Singing in a car pool full of little girls. Dinner time conversations about history. Reading at bedtime. Actually, I knew I would miss all those things, and I do."
4. "Learning about them just by watching them in action"

"When they are not with me, I miss the 'ambient learning' about them. What I mean is that 'empty cups' show me they drink chocolate milk and 'magazines' show me their interests. Kids may not always state (out loud) what they drink... Or who they follow... But when they leave the evidence behind (and oh, they do :-))... I get clues into who they are and what they like. I often otherwise miss that connection."
5. "All the half-full soda cans and there not being one clean glass in the house"


6. "Being right in the middle of the chaotic mess of their lives"

"Who new I would miss the chaos that five wonderful kids can create! Whether that's their messy bathrooms, bedrooms or lives! I miss being in the middle of the mess SOMETIMES!"
7. "Shopping for prom and homecoming dresses"


8. "Waiting up for them to come home"


9. "Needing to bake for a variety of activities -- parties, bake sales, sleepovers, congratulatory cookie cakes."


10. "Doing laundry"

"Funny you asked that because I just shared a photo on my FB page of one of the piles of towels and bedding I was left with after my daughter and her three friends just went back to college after spending spring break at our house. I was actually happy to be doing all that laundry and I loved having them here and hearing all that laughing and screaming, and the constant opening and closing of the fridge door. And I definitely miss having an excuse for buying all that junk food."
11. "Getting up and fixing a lunch. Have a good day and a kiss goodbye"


12. "Having all their friends crash here on the weekends and breakfast together and hearing all the stories from the night before"


13. "The jumble of shoes by the front door"

Just Nod Your Head Yes.

 A man leaves his parents and his wife becomes his focus. Sons grow up, meet girls, get married and voila, a couple is formed.
So is a Mother-in-Law.  And like it or not when this happens the rules change. With a new, precious daughter- in-law, I am trying to make sure I avoid the pitfalls of Mother-in lawism.  Kind of the wear beige and keep your mouth shut at the wedding, only for life!!! My newest mantra?  Mind my own business.  Mind my own business................chrissie

Pick your battles. So how do you avoid conflicts with your daughter-in-law? Here are some of the things Grandparents.com advises we shouldn't do and topics we should avoid:
Don't talk about...The baby’s name. My daughter-in-law refused to play the “What Are You Going to Name the Baby?” game for each of her three pregnancies. And who can blame her. “Colum? What kind of a name is that? Brandon. Tyler. Lucy. Adam.” Everyone weighs in on a name, loving it or hating it. She waited until each baby was born to tell us. Megan. Luke. Euan. Embrace the name. Whatever name your son and daughter-in-law choose.
Don't talk about...Where they live. If it happens to be closer to her parents, that’s okay. If it happens to be right next door to her parents, that’s okay. If it happens to be a room in her parent’s home, that’s okay, too. You are not being replaced! My daughter and son-in-law moved in with us for a while right after their first child was born. The other grandparents, who lived 200 miles away, never acted as if we were the victors in some game of tug of war. But I felt like a victor. And I felt guilty.
A few years later when the other grandparents moved in with my son and daughter-in-law and our by then two grandkids, I felt a little replaced. But I shouldn’t have because I wasn’t. Kids love their grandparents whether they are in the tiny room down the hall or an ocean away. My son’s children, whose other grandparents live in Scotland, are constant reminders of this. They Skype. Granny Scotland sends them “parcels” all the time. And when she flies into town, it’s as if Mary Poppins has arrived.
Don't talk about...Weight gain or loss. If your daughter-in-law looks a little bigger than she used to, do not say a word. Do not give her a gym membership, a three-month pass to Weight Watchers, a subscription to Cooking Light, or a lecture about calories when she reaches for a roll. (And if you go clothes shopping together, do not tell her that something makes her look big.) People gain weight. People lose weight. Say nothing.
Don't talk about...Seeing the grandkids. Sure, you want to see them. You want to open the door and have them rush into your arms and cover you with kisses. And maybe you want to take them somewhere: to the beach, the zoo, a park, on vacation. Maybe you love playing with them. On the floor when they are little, and board games as they get bigger. But maybe not. There are two kinds of grandparents: the get-on-their-level kind and the rise-to-my-level kind. Every grandparent is as different as every grandchild. And so is every parent. Some sons and daughters-in-law love for their parents to be around and involved in their kids lives. But some need space.
Once again, the parents get to make the rules. Are you around too little or too much? Ask them. What would they like you to do? How can you help. Wouldn’t you have loved for your in-laws to ask you these things?
Don't talk about...Rules for the kids. If your daughter-in-law asks you not do something, as in, “Please don’t give the children chocolate before they go to bed,” “Please don’t bring the kids another toy,” “Please, please, please don’t tell them stories about monsters,” listen to her. Respect her wishes just as you wanted your mother-in-law to respect yours. Grandparents are there for support, not to blaze the path with the grandkids. We had our chance with our own kids.
Don't talk about...Schooling. She likes Montessori. You prefer Waldorf. She chooses private. You believe in public. She says pre-school. You say, “Waste of money.” Don’t. We all got to raise our kids. We need to let our sons and daughters-in-law raise theirs. Where and when a child attends school is an important choice. But it’s not ours to make.
Don't talk about...How she spends money. This is a biggie. We all spend our money on things we think are important. My oldest daughter likes fancy restaurants and expensive shoes. My youngest likes concerts. I like all things Halloween. What’s a waste of money to one person is a necessity to another. So even if your daughter-in-law decides to get yet another butterfly tattooed on her arm, say nothing. It’s her money, her life, and her arm. And really, didn’t you want to make your own decisions when you were her age? And didn’t you want to be validated?
And while you're at it...
Don't talk about...Books as gifts. If you both read and love to talk about books themselves, fine. What I’m talking about here are books as gifts. Do not give your daughter-in-law any kind of etiquette book, a cookbook (unless she’s a good cook who loves to cook), self-help books or books about how to raise children. It’s passive-aggressive, and you know it. And, trust me, it will lead to a blow-up.
Don't...Putter in the kitchen. Do not rearrange the spice cabinet or clean out the silverware drawer or wipe down the counters no matter how much you want to. It’s criticism.
That’s all getting along is—being who you are and being accepted for it. And that’s all your daughter-in-law wants.