Monday, June 23, 2014

Snips and Snails

Great insight from a Mom's Blog- Lucky Mom of Three Boys .  The times they are a changin' aren't they?  
Those boy are going to be men someday.  How to raise them to be the men we want them to be?  And what do we want them to be??  Read one Mom's observations below. 

What makes a great man? Eeek, that's a tough one! Or, more importantly, what kind of men do we want our little boys to become? And, how can we better support them as they develop?

There could be many different answers to this. What's your definition? Is a great man someone who is independent but also a team player, strong but emotionally connected and supportive, motivated, courteous, caring and affectionate, honest, protective, reliable, has good sense of humor? The list is almost endless and will be different for each person, male or female.
But what is a man's role today? Not that I aspire to the past, but just a few decades ago a man's role seemed far more certain -- the breadwinner, head of the house, protector. Now, women are actively encouraged to compete alongside men in everything from education to the workplace to sporting activities, including traditionally male-based events. This is absolutely as it should be and there is yet more to be achieved for girls and women's rights. But, while the focus quite rightly has been on female equality, is there a chance that in very recent times men, and particularly boys, have been overlooked?

What makes me say this? Well, being the mother of three boys I have a deep interest in their well-being, their opportunities and their role in life, and I have become aware of a growing number of negative challenges that boys of this generation are starting to face. You just have to hear the news to be enlightened about the concerning facts. In an Open letter to President Obama Mark Sherman quoted statistics for the U.S. (initially compiled by Tom Mortenson in 2011). These statistics state that boys are more likely to have a learning disability, to be suspended from high school, to lag behind their female counterparts academically, are less likely to graduate from school or achieve a bachelor degree and even more worryingly are more likely to be homeless, incarcerated in a correctional facility, and commit suicide. The position in the U.K. is worryingly similar. Why is this the case? And why does there not seem to be a greater focus on it?

On a social and cultural level, boys seem to face mixed messages when it comes to their masculinity. If they show too much emotion they may be branded a sissy (or dare I say a "momma's boy"!). Too much bravado and they are condemned for being unruly, rough and noisy. They should treat women as equals, but is being chivalrous OK? (I welcome it, but not all women do).

I wholly advocate boys being allowed to be themselves. Their differences from girls are what makes them unique, fun and interesting in their own right. Toy fights, mud, toilet humour, shows of strength, competition, what can seem like relentless energy, noise, thrill seeking and bravado are all things that should be celebrated about boys' characters. However, their softer side is also to be praised. Their creativity, imagination, thoughtfulness, sense of fairness and forgiveness, inquisitiveness, communication skills, caring nature and amazing ability to show love and affection are so very special. In a modern world where men are often a 50:50 partner in the home, especially when raising a family, these qualities learned in childhood will be embodied throughout adulthood. The male role seems to be evolving and so too surely must the typical male stereotypes -- hopefully including the ones relating to relationships with their mothers!

I am sure that every significant adult figure has a real lasting impact on a little boys' life. The father/son relationship is perhaps more easily defined but I would like to understand how mothers can also help their sons become some of the best men of the future. I have read a number of articles about this and the viewpoint that rings most true is that we should move away from the age old belief that a boy should be taught to be a 'man' from a young age - to be strong, stand on his own two feet and suppress his emotions. Instead, to support our sons (and if we are fortunate enough to be able to) we should try to develop solid and healthy mother/son relationships, which evolve as they grow on mutually agreed terms.

According to Dr William Pollack, author of Real Boys and a Harvard lecturer, "Far from making boys weaker, the love of a mother actually does make boys stronger, emotionally and psychologically. Far from making boys dependent, the base of safety that a loving mother can create provides a boy with the courage to explore the outside world. But most importantly, far from making a boy act in 'girl-like' ways, a loving mother actually plays an integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity." Echoing these views Kate Stone Lombardi looked in detail at the benefits of a good mother / son relationship in her book The Mama's Boy Myth. So, as to the long list of qualities that people look for in the 'great man', I can't but try to play a part in helping my boys to achieve them... but nobody's perfect!

Looking at the bigger picture, to give all our boys the best possible start in life I would love there to be a more equal playing field, so that as they grow they feel as confident as their female counterparts that they can do and be whatever they want in their lives. In order to achieve this perhaps the time has come to raise the profile of boys and accept nothing less (or more!) than the same opportunities, choices and support for them as we campaign for, for our girls.
Ultimately, I think the kind of men our boys will become is determined by the individual boy himself. But, I do believe we all have an important role to play in providing the best possible support and environment within which they grow. Let's go for greatness!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Just Listen for a Minute

Graduation is the end of one chapter and the start of another.  Keynote speakers at college graduations are the luck of the draw.  Some speeches are shoozers, others will resonate with wisdom and common sense.  Here are a few quotes from some of my favorites.  chrissie

steve jobs commencement address

Steve Jobs, Stanford University in 2005

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.... Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”



 

Bono, University of Pennsylvania in 2004

"The world is more malleable than you think and it’s waiting for you to hammer it into shape…That’s what this degree of yours is—a blunt instrument. So go forth and build something with it. Remember what John Adams said about Ben Franklin, 'He does not hesitate at our boldest measures but rather seems to think us too irresolute.' Well, this is the time for bold measures and this is the country and you are the generation." 
 
  

Jodie Foster, University of Pennsylvania in 2006

"There is nothing more beautiful than finding your course as you believe you bob aimlessly in the current. And wouldn't you know that your path was there all along, waiting for you to knock, waiting for you to become. This path does not belong to your parents, your teachers, your leaders, or your lovers. Your path is your character defining itself more and more every day."
 
 

Jessica Lange, Academy Award- and Golden Globe-Winning Actress, Sarah Lawrence College in 2008

"Be present. I would encourage you with all my heart just to be present. Be present and open to the moment that is unfolding before you. Because, ultimately, your life is made up of moments. So don't miss them by being lost in the past or anticipating the future." 
 
 

Bobbi Brown, CEO of Bobbi Brown Cosmetics, Fashion Institute of Technology in 2014

“Work hard but work smart. Always. Every day. Nothing is handed to you and nothing is easy. You’re not owed anything... No job or task is too small or beneath you. If you want to get ahead, volunteer to do the things no one else wants to do, and do it better. Be a sponge. Be open and learn.”
 

Christian Louboutin, Shoe Designer, Fashion Institute of Technology in 2014

“It is a great thing to be at your age… You are at a very specific time of age … an age where you can follow all your dreams. But also at an age when you can change—you can change your dreams, you can change paths. When you start something when you’re young, you should not decide ‘this is it, this is my way and I will go all the way.’ You have the age where you can change. You get experience, and maybe dislike it and go another way. Your age is still an age of exploration.”
 
 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Think Outside the Box

Maybe you are living with a college bound child.  Graduation is over and high school is now in the past tense. You are shopping for extra long twin sheets and comparing meal plans and freshman classes. Seventeen magazine shares some suggestions of what Not to miss in college.  Perhaps some pointers overlooked by an eager eighteen year old?

 

 College can be one of the best times of your life so far, as the next four years will be filled with amazing firsts (like first time living with a roommate who's not your sister, or the first time living without your parents!) and memorable experiences (like living in a dorm, taking a class with 400 other students, or rushing a sorority). With so many awesome opportunities at your fingertips, how can you make the most of the next four years? Start by making sure you don't miss out, as you might regret NOT...
...Living in a dorm...
We get it, you just want to be on your own, and honestly, dorms can get kind of icky (communal showers—really?!) and annoying (blasting music at 2 a.m. the night before a big Chem midterm—really?!). But do yourself a favor, and don’t rush to get out of the dorms. Living in the dorms gives you the chance to meet all kinds of new people who you might otherwise never hang out with—and really get to know them. It's good practice for learning to deal with different types of people, and chances are, you’ll find a few new BFFs within those halls. Plus, its kind of nice having someone who can help you with your seminar paper living right down the hall!
...Studying abroad (if you can swing the cost)...
Remember when you were younger, and you used to fantasize about traveling the world? Studying abroad in college is the perfect way to make that dream a reality. If you can make it work, take advantage of one of your school's study abroad programs. Not only will you get to eat delicious food, meet awesome new people, and learn a different language, but you'll also get to experience new places and cultures in a way that will totally open your mind and help you grow. (If that's not enough for you? AMAZING INSTAGRAM PHOTOS.)
...Getting ready for class…sometimes...
Let’s face it, mornings are a struggle—especially when you stayed up until 3 a.m. finishing the essay you forgot about (oops!). In college, rolling out of bed, grabbing your books, and rocking a T-shirt and yoga pants all day is totally acceptable. But once in awhile, skip the snooze button and shower, do your hair, and put on an outfit that doesn't include part (or all!) of your pajamas. Looking put-together shows your teachers that you’re serious about learning, so at least during those first couple of weeks, take the extra 30 minutes in the morning to make a good impression. Plus, the kid sitting next to you might one day become your boss or you her boss, so road-testing some non-bedhead could be a bonus.
...Visiting your high school friends...
Even though you'll be really caught up in everything going on at your own school, separating from your high school BFFs can still be hard. Save up some cash and take advantage of a free weekend to take a road trip to visit your HS friends at their schools. Getting to put faces and visuals with the names of all the people and places they're always talking about will help you stay connected even when it feels like you're living completely different lives. Plus, as much as you may love your college (obvi!), it's good to see what life is like outside of your campus, too! You can even bring some of your new college friends along for the ride. Not only will your new and old friends get to bond, but their dining hall might be a refreshing break from yours. Or at least their pizza places...
...Taking a class just because you're interested...
You have four years to complete your major. Take a class or two just because it sounds interesting, not just because it’s required. These are the classes that you'll excel in and value the most because you genuinely want to be there. And who knows, maybe it could help your find your major or minor, or lead you down the path to your dream career.
...Joining a club...
Whether it’s a social organization like Greek life, or an academic group like the newspaper, joining a club has TONS of benefits. Not only is it a great way to meet new people (and possibly some cuties!), but it also looks great to future employers! Getting involved on campus shows that you can balance multiple projects, can be a team player, and are willing to go above and beyond what is expected of you, not to mention, it's a great way to pick up some skills that might prove handy on a resume. So go to the Activities Fair your first week (even if it sounds totally lame), and sign up for at least one activity.
...Taking advantage of your professors' office hours...
Back in HS, your teachers would come to you if there was a problem with your homework or if you totally bombed a quiz, and there was usually an opportunity to make it up, or at least it gave you time to try to turn things around before the end of the semester. Unfortunately, college is not like that. It's on you to take ownership of your grades, stay on top of how you're doing in your classes, and get help when you need it. Even though your first year is going to be hectic, take the time to meet with professors. Most hold office hours when you can talk to them about anything from an upcoming paper or something in class you didn't understand to why you didn't get the grade you wanted on your midterm. A lot of profs also hold special review sessions before exams: GO!
...Switching to the major you really want...
It’s hard to believe that at the ripe age of 18 we're supposed to know exactly what we want to do with our lives. While there are some people who are #blessed and do know, it’s totally fine if you don’t (or if you change your mind!). Your first couple years of college are meant for discovering your passions, and changing your major is kind of like deciding what to wear in the morning—sometimes you have to try on a few different outfits before you find the perfect one. So if it turns out history or finance or pre-law just isn't for you, don't just stick with your major just because you don't want to start over or you'd been set on becoming a lawyer ever since you saw Legally Blonde. Focusing on what interests you is generally the best recipe for finding success, and you'll be much happier studying that all those hours at the library. Don’t be afraid to change your major once or twice (or four times…oops).
...Investing in a decent backpack.
You may be attached to your fave high school bag, but it might not cut it for college (there's no locker to keep going back to between periods). You’ll be carrying textbooks, notebooks, and a laptop with you basically everywhere you go, so get a sturdy (and stylish) backpack that’s up for the job. A two-strapper will help you avoid a seriously sore back or shoulder, and backpacks are totally trendy now, so you'll have no trouble finding the perf one to fit your style.
...Dating someone who's not your "type."
College is for trying new things—and that includes relationships. Normally into jocks? Chat up a musician! Dating different types of people helps you decide what you are really looking for in someone. That way when it comes time to DTR, you’ll know just what you want to do. And hey, you might be surprised by who you fall for!
...Cheering on your school at a game.
Even if you're more interested in what the players look like than what they are doing on the field, college sporting events can be so much fun! There’s nothing like showing your school spirit and rooting for your team with friends. So spend a Saturday afternoon or Tuesday night cheering on your school. Talking about the game could be the perfect, non-awkward way to chat up your crush!

Take a deep breath and enjoy  this summer with your college-bound son or daughter.  The house will be very quiet in September! chrissie