It Could Be A Bumpy RIde

The thought of parenting a teenager today is enough to make some people think that maybe they don't want children at all. Parenting teens is definitely a roller coaster ride. While very few parents will truthfully say that there was no strife while raising their teenager there are 'tricks' to making this time of life a wonderful adventure.

The first thing a parent needs to recognize is that the focus for teen parenting is different than raising a younger child. The child needs to learn the basics, so to speak, the 'how to' of life: reading, social skills and such. They need to learn how to become independent while conforming to a group. Teens are learning their values in life, who they want to be as a person. The only way for them to do this is to question what they know and compare it to all they see and hear in school and the community as they venture out more and more on their own.

Parenting, then, becomes a fine line to walk between letting the teen make decisions that can affect the rest of his life and establishing and maintaining guidelines as they make those choices. This is no easy feat. The parents need to evaluate the guidelines to determine whether they are in place for the teen's sake or for their own needs. Parenting the child means having total control over all of the child's aspects of life. Parenting the teenager means letting go of that control. This in itself is terrifying for many parents.

The key to parenting the teenager is recognizing that while there will be conflict; it does not have to be destructive. There are many things the parent can do that will allow the teen the freedom she needs while still preserving the boundaries and values that will keep her protected.

First and foremost is a combination of unconditional love and communication.This unconditional love tool is often repeated in my blog.  The teen needs to always know without question that he can come to you no matter what. This only comes by the constant reinforcement that the parents provide as they deal with situations that arise during the pre-teen years. If the teen knows that while there will be consequences for his choices he will not have to worry about so disappointing his parents that he will lose their love or respect.

The parents of teens need also remember that despite what their teen may say, they are one of the greatest influences in their teens life. It is therefore absolutely necessary that the parents spend as much time as possible with their teen. It is easy today, with so many parents and teens' schedules being filled with jobs and social activities for families to spend little time together. So many teens today have their licenses that the time spent together driving to and from these activities is lost. So be certain to spend quality time with the teenager listening to what she has to say. Don't react with shock or disapproval at the things they say. Instead ask them how they feel and why. Parents need to help the teenager evaluate what the consequences in the future might be from the choices they make. Parents also need to share their own values and why they feel the way they do during these conversations.

So parent of a teenager do not despair. Rather that dreading this time in your child's life, remember that your job as her parent is to prepare her for life on her own. The time will come when you can step back and admire your handiwork.  There is no greater reward than that. chrissie

It's So Easy (Not)

It's almost spring. We have all been cooped in, wrapped up and stir crazy. Our kids are ready to be out and about. Trips to the lake. Concerts. Road trips. This time of year also means proms, graduations and the parties that go with them. Though they can be innocent and fun, these activities can force a teen to make decisions they are not ready for. Decisions that could effect their important choices in the future. How can parents help kids not make a mistake that could effect the rest of their life?

Parents have an incredible influence on their teens. Our attitudes and expectations directly impact our children. First, as Fathers and Mothers, we establish boundaries. We need to define these boundaries and be consistent with them. Rules should be explained to our teen and consequences should follow when rules are broken. Keeping credibility is an important tool in parenting. Keeping our word is one of the cornerstones of raising our children.


Don't worry too much about being the "cool" parent. If rules, curfews and limits means your house is not the rocking one, so be it. Looking the other way sends the wrong message to your child . Of course, your house can be fun. That is not what I am saying. A stocked fridge, a positive and affirming atmosphere, vidoe games, slumber parties, a warm welcome then enough space so the kids feel some privacy-all these go a long way to make your house a place kids want to be, without being a place to break rules and break the law.


Here's a simple though important tip. Help your teen create an escape plan. You and your teen should come up with a code word that can let you know they should be picked up immediately. You help he/she save face and they will rely on you to help avoid risky behavior. Brainstorm how to say no and how get themselves out of risky situations. Assure them you will pick them up at any time under any circumstances. I always told my children to make me the bad guy. Blame any sudden departures or turning down of activites on that mean old parent. I can take the heat.

Stay in touch with other parents. Networking keeps everyone in the loop and informed. Communicate what is going on and share knowledge with other adults."Everybody is doing it" won't be an arugment anymore. (Just be careful sharing information does not become gossip and judgement- stay neutral).


Do set a good example. If any gathering at your home involves drinking, maybe re-evalate how you entertain. Social drinking is a powerful messge to our kids. Let them see alternative choices don't mean you can't be with friends and have fun.


Lastly, work on mutual respect. Teens who have a positive relationship with their parents don't want to disappoint them. Spend time together and work on the relationship continually. Won't it be grand to be someone your teen wants to be around. chrissie

Structure and Boundaries-Oh My

I am always searching for good insight from professionals in the field of tween and teen relationships. Happened on this in the latest edition of "Tulsa Kids" by Claudia Arthell, ACSW, LCSW.

Definition of parenting that provides the essential needs for children.

We know they need:

* Warmth, shown by caring, responsiveness and acceptance (of who they are, not always what they do.)

* Monitoring of their activities and whereabouts, more at certain times than others.

* Good, solid discipline, often referred to as logical consequences, other times referred to as authoritative discipline: Setting age appropriate and clear limits, rules and expectations; firm, not aggressive, discipline that is consistent.

* A parent who can listen and talk, help with projects and homework, attend events and support endeavors.

Our children need good relationships with their parents, parental warmth and sibling support. Building trust and respect now will insure a less rocky transition as your child transforms to a tween, a teen and a young adult. Healthy parenting takes a plan, a method and lots of patience. Clear boundaries and defined structure - Love your child enough to make the positive changes to bring consistency and calm to your home. chrissie

It's Simple It's Complicated It's Parenting

There is rumor of a secret society that is purported to have all the tools to successful parenting. This mysterious and mystical organization is rooted in the past, works in the present and looks toward the future. Secrets are not found buried in a vault or hidden in cryptic codes, they are passed in an oral tradition, from one member to another. The tricky part is, deciphering what is good and true and pure, and discarding the false and deceptive gobbledygook that is also included in the messages.

A special talisman is necessary to sort and arrange the lessons offered by the society. This talisman is a shining beacon in often murky and unstable territory. The territory of raising a child and doing it well. What, you ask, is this mysterious and mythical charm? What can help each of us navigate in these stormy and uncharted seas? As always with answers, this one is deceptively simple. The use of common sense.

If I want my child to have direction, I must be a compass. If I want to my child to feel safe, I must offer an environment of safety. If I want my child to feel validated, I must give him an opportunity to be confident and successful. If I want my child to feel love, I must show him love in a million different ways.

He or she first needs a sense of family. They need expectations and boundaries, tenderness and discipline, service and philanthropy, knowledge and education, respect and courtesy. Care-givers must offer a house that welcomes friends and is filled with laughter. A gift to our children is a young life of exploration, discovery and wonder. It is just common sense that we model behavior, create a positive environment, and verbally communicate with our children. Growing successful and competent adults takes a plan. If children grow up helter- skelter, their adult lives will be just as fragmented and undirected.

One tool from this secret vault that I believe to be a no brainer is "find a passion." This is best done before the hormones kick in, but it is never too late. Finding a passion simply means, identify and nurture something your child is good at. Whether it is music or a sport or 4H or breaking a car down and putting it back together, find something your personal child can focus all those budding hormones and all that angst on.

The restlessness and lack of direction so often seen in middle school and high school is easily deflected with a favorite way to spend time. Showing a horse, dance competitions, motocross racing, soccer tournaments or swimming competitively are all excellent activities within themselves, but even better, the nature of the activity involves a commitment other than the actual event. Say, horses and riding competitively is your child's interest. Livestock must be cared for, clubs and organizations foster friendships with like minded young people and to compete in the ring requires diligence in daily training.

Of course any sport demands practice, competition and the drive to excel. Camps and workshops further promote excellence and focus. Athletic performance demands a healthy life style and experienced team mates are role models to younger team members. We all know that good coaches can effectively influence a young man or woman for the rest of their life.

A passion for the Arts can last a lifetime. Classes, camps and private lessons give a budding musician or artist tools needed to develop in their medium. Exposure to museums, concerts, galleries and choral groups foster a passion to excel. Oklahoma offers a unique opportunity for young artists via the Oklahoma Arts Institute. http://oaiquartz.com/. Muskogee Little Theater will host a summer youth theatre program. http://www.muskogeelittletheatre.com/. Voice lessons are also available at MLT. The Muskogee Art Guild has art classes as do several private artists in this community. Local music businesses have contacts for guitar, drum and other instrument instruction.

No hocus pocus. No mumbo jumbo. Just common sense. Who better than a parent to identify a child's special gifts? The magic is to nurture and develop these gifts by offering tools and opportunities to excel. Every child should have their chance to sparkle. chrissie

Eckhart Tolle and Teenagers

After my last blog on directing teenagers, I picked up Tolle's A New Earth, an Oprah book club pick. In fact, Oprah is having a series of online lessons with Tolle. You can catch them on her website, if you missed signing up for the lessons.

Well, I will tell you up front, I am not a big Tolle fan. I found one sentence in The Power of Now that was useful, so I was very skeptical when I picked up A New Earth. I was even more skeptical when I got to the part about parenthood.

As it turns out, Tolle had a few good things to consider about parenthood. First, the obvious: many people use parenthood as part of their identity. "This is MY daughter," "I am a good mother," "Don't I have a beautiful family," "I am (fill in child's name)'s mother," "Yes, my son is president of the senior class..." These are how we all identify ourselves once we become parents. Since parenthood is so all-consuming, it is difficult to avoid the identification. It's also why it hurts so badly once the separation of parent and child comes with college or marriage. Our children have been our identity for 20+ years and now we are on our own, left to once again figure out who we are and what our role is.

Tolle says the we should fulfill our duties as parents without becoming attached to the role. He also says if we cling to the role-playing of parent and child, we keep a real relationship with our adult children from developing. If we play the role of "I know what's best for you" even when our child is 40, we can cause feelings of inferiority or helplessness in our children. When they don't do what we tell them to as adults, they can also feel guilty. I'm not sure I completely agree with him - I will always be older than my child, for example, and will have more wisdom about some things, things I experience before he/she does.. His assertion is based on the assumption that parents hold "do what I say" over their child's head with "or I won't love you anymore." I don't think they always go hand-in-hand. It is always possible to give one's child suggestions, knowing they probably won't listen, but love them unconditionally anyway, always.

Tolle also gives advice for children suffering from their parents always treating them like children. Realize that your parent(s) have not evolved from an ego-driven to a conscious state of being. If we are aware, we can release negative energy. Good advice. Everyone should use it - children and parents alike - it could release alot of suffering.

Tolle also says children have to suffer. Parents can't save their children from all suffering and to do so is to keep them from growing. This is sound advice, too. I have seen so many kids ruined by their rescuing parents, but it is inherent in the nature of Western civilization to try to alleviate all suffering - that is what science and knowledge are for, to keep us from pain. The most extreme and damaging form of this behavior is parents who constantly side with the child and refuse to admit that he/she could possibly be wrong at school or in community actions. These parents claim this teacher or that kid has it in for their child, curse at teachers, the police are profiling their child, or whatever - it is never the child's fault, much to his detriment he/she is rescued from ever facing the consequences of their behavior. These kids often become dismal failures or land in prison, once behavior has escalated to the point that mom or dad can't rescue them anymore.

But, the soundest advice Tolle gives for an authentic relationship with one's child is simply to be present with the child. Be there as a human being, not a role. Be there beyond instructions like "brush your teeth," "do your homework," or "come home on time." He also says the only thing that makes sense - give your child your attention. Many people think driving to soccer, sitting through the game, and getting the mandatory fast food afterwards is giving a child attention. Tolle says this is only doing, form-based attention. Children need to see the being behind the doing and they need our undivided attention in stillness. Going to the soccer game or football game will get you together, and that's great, but it doesn't mean you are focused on your child. If you are having a meaningful discussion in the car on the way there, fine. If you are watching a DVD all the way there, and talking about your new Coach bag all the way through the game, not fine. For obvious reasons, no one can be there 100% of the time. But being conscious of your doing/being roles is a start.

And finally, I unquestionably agree with this statement - this is the one sentence form A New Earth that will stick with me and I hope with you:
The longing for love that is in every child is the longing to be recognized, not on the level of form, but on the level of Being.
From what I have observed in 33 years of working with young people, this is the crux of many people's angst - they are never honored or loved solely for who they are. Many parents hold "I will love you if" over their children's heads, and I think consciousness of this trait in parents is the substance of Tolle's thought on parenthood. His advice is give up the pathological egoism of parental role-playing and develop an authentic relationship with our children.

In the long run we will also be developing an authentic relationship with ourselves. That seems to make sense from both parent and child perspective..

Two Weeks and Counting

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Two weeks til Christmas

Where does the time go?

Shopping to do

Then wrapped with a bow.

The teens in your house

Are easy to please,

Ipods and lap- tops

On you put the squeeze.

Razors and Coaches

And flat screened TV's

It seems in your family

A rich Santa you need.

The tree is not decorated

There's no one around,

To help with the trimming

No teen can be found.

Six dozen Christmas cookies

In bright green and red;

Stood alone and unguarded,

Teenage-boys? Enough said.

Gifts for the neighbors

Now must be bought

So much for homemade

Poinsettas now sought.

Daughter announces

(On Sunday before)

Her friend gifts are needed

So back to the stores.

The house is all polished,

You've worked for a week.

Wait, schools's out today

Your plans get a tweek.

The dishes are stacked

In the sink night and day,

Their clothes you step over,

As this prayer you pray:

Lord help me remember

This time too shall pass

To not be impatient

Nor let life go too fast.

Each stage with our children

Is unique in it's way

Each moment a blessing

Give thanks for today.

Lord give me patience

And guide me as I

Help these children grow

On you I rely.

May the seeds that we've planted

Nurture and grow

And Christmases from now

We'll reflect in the glow

Of children who grew to be

Honest and giving

Loving and strong

And making a living.

It all comes full circle

As around once again

Our daughters and sons

Become women and men.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee