Family Time

Do you sometimes feel like you are competing for your child's attention? Are you in competition with their friends, the media, the Internet, technology? Does your teen mumble something ineligible as he heads to his bedroom and closes the door? Is her daily life an unknown to you, her thoughts and feelings a mystery? Do you find yourself frustrated and concerned? Are you shaking your fist at the closed door and mentally thinking, "I want my child back!"

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is a new favorite of mine. My daughter introduced me to Shmuley's radio show and I am impressed by his common sense advise and mission to strengthen American families. On the subject of staying connected with our kids, he makes a great analogy. Parenting teens is like being a counselor at summer camp.

Shmuley explains; As a camp counselor, I kept my cabin out of trouble by keeping them occupied. I had to come up with wholesome activities so that the kids were never listless. The Talmud says that idleness breeds sinfulness; that when you have nothing to do, you do what you ought not to do. (Amen Rabbi!) I quickly discovered that it was only when my campers were bored that they were itching to raid the cabin next door in the middle of the night. But if I told them great nighttime stories, they lost all desire to fill the other campers' hair with toothpaste.

During the day I offered my campers sports and swimming, and at lunch and dinner they didn't just eat, they competed against each other in trivia and history quizzes. Throughout, my goal was to provide a healthy and engaging outlet that could channel the children's limitless energy.

Shmuley uses the same approach in parenting. (He has 8 children) Is the principal role of parenting a parent-as-nurturer, responsible for giving love and confidence; or parent -as- disciplinarian, responsible for instilling values and restraint?

He contends that both roles are subsumed under the rubric of the parent-as-camp-counselor, responsible for curbing a child's excesses through a respect for authority, but offering engaging activities to channel the child toward productive and purposeful goals. Shmuley believes in being a tough disciplinarian, but also recognizes that imposing restrictions without offering fun alternatives to errant behavior is unjust, as well as self-defeating, and is the key reason for child rebellion.

Another interesting insight is that too great an emphasis on friends is ultimately detrimental to a child's connection with siblings and parents. Shmuley states, "I have witnessed far too many examples of children's frenzied attachment to friends leading to a decentralized and dysfunctional family. Likewise, friendships open children to values and behavior that may be inimical to a parent's standards. But I recognize that I cannot curb my children's dependency on friendship without offering them a better alternative myself. I can only restrict them from hanging out with friends if I think that hanging out with me is going to be more exciting."

Now, this is a point of view I have never considered but find intriguing and possibly very valid. We cannot change something our teen is doing without offering something better. A positive and stimulating choice rather than an ultimatum.

The lesson here is for each of us to identify family passions. Identify family interests. Find a new dream shared by you and yours. Offer opportunities and time well spent to our family. Always wanted to rock climb? Sky Dive? Try Community Theatre? Noodle catfish? Paint? Travel? Race dirt bikes? Rodeo? Raise alpacas? Bake cupcakes? Bird Watch? Perform on U-Tube? Pan for gold?

Shmuley continues, "Once upon a time, children were filled with energy. Today, they seem almost lifeless. Go to any home and look closely at the teenage kids. You'll see that what they most want to do is to be left alone and head back to their rooms so that they can watch TV, get online or listen to music."

This observation by Shmuley struck a nerve. Is this the case in your home? I think it is the case in homes all over America.

"Our children are divorced from nature, the source of life, and the artifice is snuffing the life out of them. Almost everything about growing up these days, from video games to iPods to hanging out at the malls, is artificial and unnatural. Kids today have lost an appreciation for the serenity of a clear blue lake and the power of a flowing, whitewater river. They would rather go to a film than a mountain range, and would rather be in a mosh pit at a concert than a boat in an August sea."

Shmuley argues that America's youth need to be redirected and that redirection should be orchestrated by their parents. We need to offer opportunities. We need to offer adventures. We need to offer challenges. It's simple. Our children need activities and interests that help them "be all they can be" oh, and as a parent, "be all - with me!" Shalom. chrissie

Six Strategies for a Happier Teenager

Over the decades, Good Housekeeping has offered tips on everything from dealing with teething to taming spirited teens. Here, Good Housekeeping shares their wisdom, including stopping the back talk and talking so teens will listen.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#1. Set Clear Rules

Figure out what's most important to you (No put-downs? No muttering? No condescending gazes?) and announce the rules to all members of the family. Post them in the kitchen for future reference, if need be.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy

#2. Decide Not to Take It

Parents who refuse to tolerate rude behavior tend to have kids who - you guessed it - aren't rude. Dole out consequences.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#3. Don't Get Into the Act

Sure, it's tempting to toss back a zinger to show the offending child how it feels, but bite your tongue and set an excellent example instead. Don't stoop to their maturity level. Model adult behavior so your child will have something positive to emulate.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#1. Ask Questions

Ask questions rather than dictating solutions. For instance, try, "Do you think you'll be able to get the whole project done in two nights?"rather than, "You have to start your science project now?" Questions encourage kids to think for themselves (good thing) and give them the sense you trust them.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#2. Take a Collaborative Approach

Try the let's collaborate approach. Explain what you're worried about (maybe he's staying up too late) and say something like, "I've noticed you're having trouble getting up in the morning. What do you think would help you feel more rested?" Let him try his suggestions; then, if they don't work, share yours.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#3. Weave Advice into Everyday Conversations

A formal "Come here; we need to talk" approach usually doesn't work. Instead, catch kids when they're feeling chatty and pay attention to the times of day when they open up naturally - for some it's after school, for others it's before bed.

Good communication is one of the most important skills we can have as a parent. If you and your teen are seeming to not understand one another, try some of the tips above to reconnect and renew your relationship. Enjoy these last days of summer! Chrissie

Tally

I had a frantic call Sunday night from my daughter, Catherine. She had adopted a rescue puppy earlier this year. "Tally" was a pup of questionable lineage, debatable bloodlines and, shall we say, less than remarkable pedigree. This did not effect how Miss Tally saw herself. Tally didn't have a clue she was not Kennel Club material and her bearing was playful and proud. She held her own with Brody, the already in residence Jack Russell and accepted the adoration of her loyal subjects, Catherine and Caroline.

Tally was one of those lucky dogs that happened to be in the wrong place at the right time. She was abandoned, hungry and in immediate danger at a very busy intersection. Her future did not look bright. Enter caring friends who rescue dogs and give them a chance to find homes and people to love them. These caring friends found Catherine and Caroline. Tally found a home.

The 4th of July at the Wagner's cabin was a full house. Family, friends and three dogs. Champ, the wonder dog, a golden; Lola, the tomboy King Charles in a prissy body, and little Tally, who held her own with her well-bred cousins. She chased their balls, ate their food and broke all the house rules, with a smile on her tiny face. The carpet cleaner was out most of the weekend. She pranced on her leash, her tag and collar bigger than Tally was. Tally had a wonderful holiday. She was very patriotic.

Back to Catherine's call. Tally had been feeling poorly since last Wednesday. Under her vet's care, she was medicated, spoon fed and coddled. Tally did not get feeling better. Sunday evening, a trip was made to the emergency room (yes, they have those for pets) and tests were run. Catherine left Tally in the clinic for the night. Returning early yesterday morning, bad news. Little Tally had distemper. Contracted before she was adopted, the immunization had no effect.

Catherine and Caroline had to make the decision to put Tally down. She was so sick and their were no options for her recovery. It was a very sad morning.

As my family is want to do, we circle up. Catherine's sweet sister and I threw kids in the car and blasted to Oklahoma City. Nothing lightens the mood like the laughter of children. We shopped for Annebelle's school supplies. We tried on silly hats at the party store. We drank Icee's. Her brothers and sweet girlfriend, Ally, joined us for mexican food and positive energy. We arrived to swollen eyes and grieving hearts and hopefully left the girls with a renewed resolve and a realization they loved their pup enough to let her go.

Grief is a process, no matter who we say goodbye to. Time heals and hearts mend. I just wish I could have kept my daughter from the process. All I could do was support her and let her know I love her and am always there. Life happens. It is our job and our gift to make the journey easier for each other. No one should ever go through difficult times alone.

Goodbye little Tally. What a great life you had and what a lucky dog you were. You were loved. chrissie

Are They Listening?

Ten Things Teens Should Know to Communicate Effectively

1. What a firm handshake and eye contact is.

2. Talking like a rapper will scare people.

3. It is impossible to learn anything while talking.

4. "Whatever" isn't a sentence. It is evidence of a fragile mind.

5. Know how to carry on a conversation without using profanity.

6. Refrain from sending e-mail or posting on Facebook something in the heat of the moment. The repercussions can be life altering.

7. Telling the truth dramatically limits one's chances of being humiliated, fired or sued.

8. If you listen more than you talk, you will be known as a good conversationalist.

9. Know how to defend a position with logic, facts and prior preparation. Yelling and swearing does not support your argument.

10. Self-discipline is the key to solving life's problems.

Harry Harrison Jr.

If you can talk your teen into it- taking Speech in high school is an effective way to learn communication skills. A speech class teaches organization of ideas, support of arguments, public speaking, logic, and body language. It is no longer a popular class but kids are missing a bet by not taking Speech or Debate. It gets students ready for college and teaches life skills to boot. Investigate what is offered in your school system. chrissie

Structure and Boundaries-Oh My

I am always searching for good insight from professionals in the field of tween and teen relationships. Happened on this in the latest edition of "Tulsa Kids" by Claudia Arthell, ACSW, LCSW.

Definition of parenting that provides the essential needs for children.

We know they need:

* Warmth, shown by caring, responsiveness and acceptance (of who they are, not always what they do.)

* Monitoring of their activities and whereabouts, more at certain times than others.

* Good, solid discipline, often referred to as logical consequences, other times referred to as authoritative discipline: Setting age appropriate and clear limits, rules and expectations; firm, not aggressive, discipline that is consistent.

* A parent who can listen and talk, help with projects and homework, attend events and support endeavors.

Our children need good relationships with their parents, parental warmth and sibling support. Building trust and respect now will insure a less rocky transition as your child transforms to a tween, a teen and a young adult. Healthy parenting takes a plan, a method and lots of patience. Clear boundaries and defined structure - Love your child enough to make the positive changes to bring consistency and calm to your home. chrissie

They're Back!

Is your teenager driving you crazy? Is all that angst, all those raging hormones, all that fighting for independence-making your home a battleground? Do you stare across the dinner table, dreaming of the day that doors don't slam, rooms stay clean and peace descends on your family once again? Dreaming of the day-your teen heads to college.

I read something sobering this weekend. In the United States today, over 50% of grown children will return to their childhood home within 5-6 years. And stay for a while.

That may leave you wondering, late at night....."Dear Lord, we didn't cover everything. They could be back by Thursday."

You frantically call your college -age children to remind them of the million things they don't remember you teaching them, Unfortunately, they are partying the night away, celebrating being liberated from their parents.

Well, all is not lost. Just remember, the time to start preparing children for adulthood is while they are still young. The alternative is a thirty-year-old teenager losing the remote control, leaving their wet towels on the floor and staying out past their curfew.

I happened upon a clever list. It outlines things teens should know before they leave home. What follows are some of the best ones.

1. They should know life is sometimes difficult so they won't get discouraged and move home.

2. They should know they now pay the bills.

3.They should know the lifestyle they enjoyed growing up is not waiting for them, just because they graduated from college.

4. They should know that if a friend's possessions make them feel bad about themselves, they should find new friends.

5. They should know the difference between washing a Lexus or owning one is education.

6. They should know to seek the advice of a mentor, not unemployed club friends.

7. They should know that if getting a good job was easy, everyone would have one.

8. They should know that self discipline is the key to solving life's problems.

9. They should know victims are never happy.

10. They should know life's challenges make us stronger, better, healthier, more spiritual and more grateful human beings.

Summer's flying by. Enjoy it with those you love. chrissie

A Personal Note

Hope all had a Grand 4th of July. I have spent my 4th at the exact same location for 48 years. That was kind of hard to type. 48 years! It is hard to imagine so many years have passed but the content of those years is what's important.

There's an excited 6 year old, waiting for her Dad to light her sparkler. I next see a snapshot of a buck teethed, bird- legged girl running madly, a Black Cat firecracker spewing sparks behind her. Another year? Chief, my wonder horse is prominent in this 4th of July parade, and we all ride our horses, decorated with red, white and blue pom-poms, made by our Mother's.

Years pass. There's a group of young girls, perfectly coiffed, standing apart and watching the festivities. Actually, out of the corners of our mascara rimmed eyes, watching the boys we're growing up with...... now much more interesting. Flash forward. Another 4th and we all return, this time in college t-shirts, regrouping and reconnecting.

We proudly share our newest loves to meet everyone and join in the festivities. Many come and go but eventually, each of us introduces the one we will marry. They too find themselves dressing like madmen, marching in a parade without spectators, to music no one can hear.

Babies come. Babies grow. Now the photographs have different faces, but amazingly, in this place, nothing ever changes. There is comfort that here, things stay the same. In a changing world, often turbulent and frightening, it is comforting and affirming to celebrate an event in the same way with people you love. We are proud to be Americans and recognize our blessings every time we gather for the 4th. We are proud to be Oklahomans and celebrate how good our state has been to us as we catch up at the river.

It is not so hard to watch the years pass when you do it with people you love. As I gathered once again with my family, and the friends I have known for ever, looking back was a pleasure and a gift. And looking forward isn't so bad either!!! chrissie