Read along for some
praise, advice, commiseration, and recipes for feeding both the stomachs and the minds of those not-quite-fully-developed young adults we call teens.
It’s easy to get caught up in your teen’s sports. You’re invested in it, both time and money. For all the times you carted him to the soccer field, for the thousands of dollars you've invested in her gymnastics career, for the friends you’ve made at volleyball games…. It’s all good. Athletics bring so much to your child’s life. Team sports teach many important skills, and the increased self esteem for a talented athlete may even trump the value in the exercise. It's all good, that is, until things get out of perspective. Parents must be the good guides here; you are the most important person when it comes to giving good sports guidance to your teenager.
Competitive athletics is grueling. Take gymnastics. Your daughter loves the sport. Time goes on, and by the time she is in high school she is competing in the state competitions. Trouble is, her knees are in terrible shape and she constantly fights shin splints. Stress fractures put her on crutches more than once and today, as a 22 year old, she experiences pain frequently. One could argue her parents should have redirected her to another sport that wasn't so body-beating. Can a child be expected to have the objective vision to know such a thing? Probably not; this is a parent's call.
Your son always played football. He is big, athletic, and football is part of his identity. When he went to college, football was what he concentrated on. Trouble was, he got very little play time in his competitive school, so he transferred to another school where he could play more. His focus is not on his degree, it is football. One needs to consider college sports carefully; how important are they? Is this really what one goes to college for? Could your child be making poor decisions about college because of a misdirected focus on football. Is he is playing football to go to college or going to college to play football?
A daughter lives and breathes tennis. Your family's social life revolves around the activity. It is fun for all of you. It's the focus of all the family. Unfortunately, your all-star enters puberty, and her interest wanes. She makes the freshman team, but is cut from JV as a sophomore. As her mother, you are devastated and have to completely regroup socially. You now realize how much you have come to depend on tennis for many social connections. Your daughter feels guilty that she had "let the family down."
Parents are the ones here who need to be good guides for teens when it comes to athletics. It’s usually not positive for your child to be overly focused in just one area. Few high school athletes play competitive sports in college, and those scholarships are a mixed blessing. Why? Because commitment to a college sport so dramatically alters one's college experience.
Your teens need to count on you to give them good, realistic, informed counsel, and help them make the best long-range decisions when it comes to athletics. Some of this guidance may come hard, but your teen relies on you for exactly this advice. Sports should be part of our children's experience, not the sum total of it. Well-rounded seems a good word for what we want for our kids. As a side- OU- Beat Texas!!!!! chrissie
With 400 million+ users, Facebook is a social force unlike anything parents have faced before. Parents have a vital role to play in providing guidance to teenagers as they play on this digital playground....whether you feel comfortable or not on Facebook.
A "digital footprint" refers to all your interactions, information and transactions that take place in cyberspace. You’ve surely heard the horror stories about college admissions offers, employers etc. seeing things on the internet that reflect poorly on young people… so clearly teenagers need guidance. And who will they look to for this guidance? It better be us. Who else has their long term best interest in mind? BUT, if you feel Facebook is overwhelming, you are not alone. And even if you are relatively comfortable on Facebook, it is daunting the way it changes so frequently.
Sue Blaney is the author of a popular parenting and teen blog and website-Please Stop the Roller Coaster .(www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com.) In a recent article, she offers great information and sources for educating ourselves about Facebook . Facebook Guide for Parents* is an up-to-date, in-depth, hands-on tool that will be a life-saver for parents as we try to guide our teens on Facebook, Guide them so that they are properly safeguarded. Blaney states, "There are good reasons why you need the help offered in this guide…"
Here are just some of areas to consider:
Do you want to allow strangers to "friend" your child?
Who do you want to be allowed to send private messages to your child?
Who should be able to see your child’s photo albums?
What are your options if somebody tags your child in a photo that you want removed?
Do you feel comfortable with your child announcing her relationship status across Facebook?
Do you feel okay with your child’s list of friends showing up publicly?
What if you want to remove a post - do you know how?
The Facebook Guide for Parents comes in several contemporary formats - downloadable and in hardcopy - that guide you as you walk through the process. Profile, settings and activities- one by one, so you can understand the impact of the choices your teenager makes. It is a step-by-step instruction manual that is accompanied by 12 short (5 minutes or less) video tutorials to visually guide you. In addition to providing guidance on the ins-and-outs of the privacy settings, the authors provide instruction on the basics:
how to set up your profile
how to upload pictures and videos
how to find friends and organize them… and much more.
Facebook Guide for Parents saw a big disconnect between what kids are doing online and what their parents know about the process. The only way a parent can guide a child intelligently on Facebook is to be present there… and many parents are somewhere between woefully behind and somewhat confused. This guide will get you where you want to go… and keep you up to date as things change. Parents must be sure their teens are making good and safe choices for their digital footprint. chrissie
Remember Robin Williams in the film, Dead Poets Society? He plays an English teacher at an eastern prep school for boys. In the course of the film he teaches the young men, not meter and rhyme but instruction in living life to the fullest- thus Carpe Diem, translated-Seize the Day. The students are encouraged to follow their own dreams, not the dreams of their parents. They begin to pursue their own life paths and to celebrate the process of getting there. Daily life and interaction with others becomes an adventure, not a chore.
Though your teens may not stand on their desks, flaunting authority, loudly reciting Whitman's Captain Oh Captain, they definitely have things they wish for, things they hope will happen. Now, most will not be chosen to sing on American Idol or play basketball for the Lakers but our kids need to know they have a choice in their destiny. Encourage your child to develop talents and passions. Make sure they take the steps to make them a reality. Help them grow in confidence and self-assurance to step out and up. Lastly, (this is the hard part) give your child the space and the freedom to figure out their own life.
My son got out of college and went straight to Utah. Not using his degree and pursuing his career, but working maintenance at a resort and skiing. Skiinga lot. His Dad and I were on board because we did not want him to look back and "wish" instead of look back and "did." It was a fabulous year for him and he now realizes had he waited, it never would have happened.
They need to learn at an early age that aspirations take foresight and planning. Dreams take hard work and commitment. There are lots of frustrated twenty-somethings out there who just expected things to happen because they wanted them to. They were good at baseball but did not prepare academically to be eligible to play in college. Musically talented, rock-star hopefuls did not form a contingency plan while they waited for their big break. Nursing School went out the window when financial planning was not addressed.
A "life well lived" tomorrow has to be planned for today. Make sure your teens are putting down the remote and the cell phone and hatching their own plan. No parent wants to see their twenty- one -year old, scratching their head and saying, "Now what do I do??" chrissie
It is that time of year again when the United Way pledge cards make their way into our office or school. The current campaign theme is Live United and encompasses education, health and wellness, and financial stability components. Donations collected benefit organizations trying to do something to help others in our community.
United Way's educational component is trying to raise consciousness about the need to increase the graduation rate in our nation's schools. Schools alone can't overcome the seductive power popular culture has over our young people or the apathy pervasive in many homes. The educational process requires superhuman capabilities these days. It also requires the cooperation of the whole community and the faith that education can make a difference in a person's life.
To view the trailer for Waiting for "Superman" and take United Way's pledge to see the film, click on the link above. Melony
Paying for college is something to think about. So many American families live pay check to pay check. College five to ten years from now seems an easy financial obligation to put on the back burner. "There is lots of time." "We'll be in better financial shape then." "Precious is a 4th grade genius, I know she'll get a full scholarship when she graduates." "Did you see the way Little Jr. slammed that baseball? Colleges will be lined up for him to play for them."
Unless your statement begins, "Peggy Sue's trust fund......." do not assume money will magically appear when the time comes. It does not. Do not assume the astounding figures you see for four years of college is all it will cost. It isn't. Do not assume grants and scholarships happen just because your child is smart, or talented, or athletically gifted, or a minority, or a girl, or a boy, or handicapped, or whatever else is floating around out there. A friend of mine tells the story of his first day at Trinity University in San Antonio. The Freshman Dean stands before a room full of eager beavers and asks, "How many here were Valedictorian of their Senior class?" Pat proudly holds up his hand.........along with at least 80% of the audience. There are many worthy and outstanding 18 year olds, all vying for a limited number of scholarships and grants. Your child may catch the brass ring, and many do. But many others are welcomed by their university with open arms and a bursar bill.
This subject is near and dear to my heart. My son Tom is graduating from The University of Oklahoma this year. He is the last of four Wagner's to walk across the stage at Owens Field. When Tom graduates, we will have had at least one and sometimes 2 children in Norman for 15 straight years. My husband and I are very familiar with Bursar's bills.
Has it been a struggle? Sure it has. Have the sacrifices been worth it? Unquestionably.
Take it from someone who knows. Start saving now. Find ways to sock money away in a college savings plan as early as possible. Say, on your way home from the hospital after giving birth. Encourage your child to save toward college, not toward a new truck or a cell phone or a sound system or $125.00 tennis shoes. Make education a priority in your home. Make saving for college a focus.
I don't want to dissuade anyone from setting goals to attain scholarships. Academics, activities, leadership, service, all of these increase your child's chances of getting financial assistance. There are also lots of local scholarships that really help that first year. Encourage your senior to write the essays, fill out all the forms and apply for everything. Even a relatively small $250.00 scholarship goes a long way to cover first semester text books or student activity fees.
The college experience is broadening and enriching. Campus life offers new experiences and activities, exposure to new ideas and thought provoking intellectual debate. Lifelong friends are made and goals and aspirations are set. A positive four years opens up the world for a young adult. After graduation, that college degree opens up career choices, the vehicle to realize dreams, and the tools to make dreams come true.
When your children are small, don't make college a "maybe." Make it a "given." Make it the natural and assumed next step after high school. Include your kids in the loop. Let them know the sacrifices made, so higher education will be available when they graduate. Academics, financial planning, discipline and responsibility, long term goal setting, social skills, community involvement- these are all components that will make your home a setting for true "college prep." It's been a hard week or so....glad to be back. Chrissie
As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.
Do not be dismayed.
True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.
One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "Ibelieve in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?
Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.
THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE
Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.
Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.
This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following: Is this immoral? Is this illegal? Is this going to make a difference in five years? Is this going to hurt my child or someone else? Is it inappropriate for his/her age?
We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.
Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!
School is starting and 7:00 A.M. breakfast is always difficult to get going again. Here is an easy Smoothie Recipe that gets the little darlings off to a healthy and delicious start.
In a blender combine:
1 banana , a handful of blueberries, peaches, or strawberries (fresh or frozen) 1/2 cup vanilla greek yogurt , 2 tablespoons of honey, a few ice cubes and enough orange juice to get the mixture blending. Whir around until smooth. My kids like it thicker so I add a little more ice and if I remember, I throw the banana in the freezer the night before. If you have some sort of cereal similar to granola, it can be added to the top for a crunch. Any kind of nut can be added to the mix before blending and it adds a little protein and they will never even know it is in there. If there is time, enjoy together around the breakfast room table. (Yeah, right) Throw in a to-go cup and send them out the door. chrissie
The "old people" doing educational research today are finding one startling fact - the world our students live in is changing more rapidly than ever before. Contrary to the past, when those born at the turn of the century had witnessed a tremendous industrial shift by the time they were 70 or 80, today's teenagers will witness an even greater technological shift before they are 25.
Think back to six or seven years ago when only a handful of teenagers had text messaging. Today the majority have cell phones, regardless of income level, and texting is quicker than email. Email, which used to be a popular way to communicate, has now given way to social networking sites via email, such as Facebook and Twitter, but straight out emailing is considered Old School.
Educational expert in brain research, Marcia Tate, cites recent medical studies that indicate the visual cortex of young people has changed. So the techno world of Gameboys, Playstations, and Wiis is changing the way students view the world...literally. Their visual cortex is thicker than ours, possibly indicating more activity in that area of the brain.
Harvard MBA Mark Prensky, who also holds a Masters in Teaching from Yale, paints a stark picture of the difference between the Digital Natives (young people who have grown up on video games and computer toys) and Digital Immigrants, we who have lived through the switch from black and white to color to high def TV, transistor radios, mono to stereo, eight tracks to cassettes to CDs to iPods, Beta or VHS to DVD and Blue Ray, Polaroids to digital photography. Hear what Prensky has to say in a 2009 lecture or visit his website to learn more: http://www.marcprensky.com/speaking/default.asp
In short, the whole, huge world has been opened up by tiny nano-technology. How will we keep up and should we? As the ancient Greeks and Romans said, there is nothing pernament except change. It's intersting that the Latin quote "Tempora mutantur nos et mutamur in illis," or "The times change and we must change with them," is attributable to Lothair I, one of the Carolignian emperors living around 855 A.D., as people were just pulling away from the Dark Ages and beginning to understand again that education and reading are important.
So should we embrace this new type of teenager and this new, inevitable change? I say we are just waking up from a long Dark Age. It frightens me what might happen to civilization, but the possibilities for changing human existence and essential understandings for the good are exciting and staggering. To quote this geration's icon, Buzz Lightyear - "To infinity and beyond!"Let's just hope the elctricity doesn't go out.
