The Terrible Tweens

  As a parent of an almost "tween", you've heard the chatter. "It's a whole new world, much worse than the terrible twos." "You won't believe the change in your kid -- like night and day." "Just wait until they hit middle school; brace yourself." Looking back on the 10-13 years, I have to say, it was different, but not so bad. Here are six great things about the tween years.

The Good News: You Have a New Buddy
Yes, I know, your job description doesn't read: "My Kid's Best Friend." And, no, you're not equals. But the tween years provide endless opportunities to bond on a deeper level than you did when your child was little. You can take your tween. out to lunch and have a completely different experience from a few years ago. Remember when a trip to a restaurant meant watching them color the kids' menu and knock over their milk? Now you can discuss everything from their friendships to current movies to politics. (And if they have to go to the bathroom, they find it on their own.)  You need to shift gears and expect new behaviors. New.  Not bad.

The Good News: You're Past the Do-Everything Stage
 When the tween years come around, it's exhilarating to be free of the drudgery that comes with parenting small children: wiping bottoms, pouring juice, tying shoes. Not only that, but tweens can actually help around the house in meaningful ways, like emptying the dishwasher and taking out garbage. "It's simply less physically exhausting to be the parent of a tween.  Kids make their own lunches and their own beds. They're self-cleaning. The day-to-day stuff is much easier.


Make It Even Better: Celebrate each new task your kids can do, and get over any guilt you have that you're slacking off by letting them take on more, says educator Annie Fox, author of the Middle School Confidential series. "Some parents mistakenly equate dependence with love," she says. "They feel that 'if he doesn't need me, he doesn't love me.' But do you really want to be cutting your kid's sandwiches when he's thirty?" Encourage independence by giving tweens more complex home projects once in a while.

The Good News: He Gets the Jokes
Your tween will love sharing a whole new level of wit -- puns, wordplay, sarcasm.  This is a good time to expose kids to more grown-up movies and books, both current and classic. Of course, how far you want to go is a personal decision

The Good News: She's Interesting
Tweens develop passions and hobbies, whether it's basketball, Wii games, or musical theater. . And taking an active interest in your child's sport or hobby is good for her. She gets to be the teacher, which is a major confidence booster.
Make it Even Better: Find a hobby you can pursue together. Shared time on a hobby is not only fun, it is a time to talk and get closer to your tween.  It is critical at this time in your child's life to keep communication open- much easier to do in a casual and fun setting.

The Good News: His Friends are Hysterical
Sure, a group of tweens can get loud and squirrelly, but you're privy to some of the most off-the-wall conversations ever. Carpooling with tweens is a world unto itself:   Make It Even Better: "Offer your house as a gathering spot for your tween and his friends, or be the mom who drives everyone to the mall. Taking advantage of their need for a ride is the best way to get to know their friends.

The Good News: She Wants to Help
When tweens take on a project­ -- whether it's cleaning up a local park or volunteering at a food bank -- it's all or nothing.  Let Them know how proud you are of their kindness and generosity, and do everything in your power to help them act on it. I
Don't forget the power of your example. If your objective is to raise a good citizen, you have to show what that means. Make it your business to be involved, and your tween will get involved  Look for family opportunities for volunteerism; the more time you spend with your tween, the happier everyone will be. And that's not terrible at all. chrissie

What's your Mission?

What are the values that your family holds? Taking time to think and talk about them is a way for parents to convey them to their children. This communication also engenders a sense of belonging to the group, as all the members work toward the same goals. Every good organization has a mission statement.  Who they are.  What they stand for. 
An effective way to work on this would be the following process:

• The parents talk between themselves about what is important to them.
• The parents tell their children about these values.
• The entire family discusses the values so that everyone understands them.
• The parents guide all family members to make sure that actions match the stated values.

Parenting Today offers a step by step blueprint for developing a mission within a family. Once the parents have decided that this is an approach they want to take, they tell their children and have a family discussion about it, possibly at the dinner table. They help the children to understand what the benefits are when all members of the family do this.
To enforce the importance of this statement, they could: have a set dinner time, ask for children’s suggestions in planning the meal, find ways for children to help with meal preparation, and be sure to include all family members in table discussions.
If they put their efforts toward making this an enjoyable time for family members to share each other’s company and gather family solidarity from it, then the children will continue to value the time together.
The family mission statement can cover a wide diversity of values to be decided, first by the parents and then by all members. Consider any of these topics for inclusion in yours:

• the way money will be saved and spent
• the importance of education
• the amount of family time you will spend together
• the importance of activities outside the home and school
• the responsibilities each member of the family will have toward maintaining the household

Following are some guiding points that may help you toward creating your family’s mission statement:

• Both parents need to agree before bringing the points to the children.
• It is critical that the children see both parents present a united perspective. Children will recognize when there is weakness coming from one of the parents or discord between them.
• The family is not a democracy.
• Parents have the power, the experience, and the wisdom. The family is not a structure of one person/one vote. Your children are not consultants; they do not have the ability to see the big picture.
• Express your statements by saying what you want — not what you don’t want.
  Make your statements in positive terms. Instead of saying, “We don’t call each other names,” say, “We call people by their given names.” Instead of saying, “We don’t hit or kick each other,” say, “We keep our hands, feet, and objects to ourselves.”
• Explain your values by giving lots of examples to support each statement.

The more examples you can give to support your statements, the easier it will be for the children — especially the younger ones — to understand what you are talking about. If part of your mission statement is, “Education is important in our family,” your examples might include these supporting statements:

• We cooperate with the teachers at school.
• We do all our homework.
• We ask for help when we need it.
• We attend school events such as the science fair, book fair, and the school play.
• Parents attend at least two PTA meetings a year.
• We do homework before we play.
• We limit television and video watching to weekends, with a maximum of two hours every weekend.
• We go to the library every week to check out books.
• We save 20% of all money gifts for college

Keep in mind that the earlier these values are discussed and established within the family, the easier they will be able to follow as children grow into their teenage years.

But She was so Sweet

Are you almost there?   The teen years?  Are you seeing glimmers of the child you know, becoming the child you don't?  Should a parent expect to see the temperament recognized in their younger child, displayed in their future teen?  Will a head-strong and willful child be a head-strong and willful teenager?  Is it likely a courteous and careful ten year old will look both ways at sixteen? And when you get there, what happens next?

Barbara R. Greenberg, Ph.D., professional consultant on teen issues & contributing expert psychologist for Mode Lifestyle, answers some related questions. 


Do you feel that we have somewhat of an understanding of who our children will become as teens, when they are young?

I believe that we start understanding our children's temperamental style when they're young. This does not mean that behavior, attitudes, and reactions cannot change. It simply means that you begin to know what your child's unique style is from an early age. During the teens our children face an entirely new set of challenges, pressures, and an onslaught of hormonal changes. These factors impact them greatly. Often parents ask me what happened to their child and who is this stranger disguised as a teen. I reassure them by telling them that it is the same person simply "wearing a new set of clothes."

How does a parent balance the communication vs space issue with their teen?
Teens need both space to decompress and to sort out their own feelings and time to talk to their parents. The answer's complicated. Here are some ideas:
1. Be mindful of timing. If your child looks preoccupied or a bit distressed then pay attention to these non-verbals & let your teen know that you are available to talk when s/he is ready. You want to respectful of your teen. This goes a long way.
2. When your teens arrives home don't crowd them with an endless list of questions. Be gentle. Make casual & relaxed conversations. A statement like "Come sit with me" is more likely to get teens to talk than "How was the test?" followed by "How much homework do you have?" & "when are you going to clean your room?"
3. Teens prefer indirect requests for information rather than direct requests. This gives them a feeling of having some control over the rate at which they disclose information. Try "Did you recommend the movie?' rather than "did your date drive carefully?' Teens will answer the indirect questions and then start to spill and tell you about the information that you really want to know.
4. Listen & stay calm when they are talking to you. There's not a single teen who will continue a conversation with a parent who interrupts & loses emotional control.
5. As long as you feel connected to them give them the space that they seem to need. If, on the other hand, you feel that they have begun to isolate completely from friends and family then you may want to talk to them to see if they are facing any major stressors. Again, try to do this calmly and non-judgmentally. This is not easy but it is necessary.

How should a parent best handle the situation when their teen is becoming involved with a clearly "troubled" teen?
The first thing to do is to find out what your teen likes and values about the "troubled teen." Even troubled teens have redeeming qualities. Remember you don't want to criticize friends too harshly because teens take this very personally. Ask your teen what s/he gets out of the relationship.
Your teen may secretly want help getting out of the relationship. If you are concerned that the "troubled teen" is negatively influencing your teen then you must monitor the friendship & help your child phase it out. This won't be easy and Yes your teen may get angry. Keep in mind that you must be able to tolerate your teen's anger. Your main concern is their safety.

Say this three times:

Remember, I am their parent -NOT their friend.  chrissie

 cross posted from http://angelasclues.com/teens-pt1/

In a Nutshell

We have talked and talked about raising teens.  Some of the experts get pretty long-winded and clinical.  I happened on this "How To" on WebMD and thought it was excellent.  The tips sum up things very nicely.  The kind of thing you could cut out and tape on the refrigerator. Informative.  Intuitive.  Instructional.  Insightful. Interesting. Short. 

10 Parenting Tips

1. Give kids some leeway. Giving teens a chance to establish their own identity, giving them more independence, is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world. "But if it means he's going out with a bad crowd, that's another thing," says Elkind.

2. Choose your battles wisely. "Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (like a tattoo), those things matter," says Kaslow. "Purple hair, a messy room -- those don't matter." Don't nitpick.

3. Invite their friends for dinner. It helps to meet kids you have questions about. "You're not flat-out rejecting them, you're at least making an overture. When kids see them, see how their friends act with their parents, they can get a better sense of those friends," Elkind tells WebMD. "It's the old adage, you catch more bears with honey than vinegar. If you flatly say, you can't go out with those kids, it often can backfire -- it just increases the antagonism."

4. Decide rules and discipline in advance. "If it's a two-parent family, it's important for parents to have their own discussion, so they can come to some kind of agreement, so parents are on the same page," says Bobrow. Whether you ban them from driving for a week or a month, whether you ground them for a week, cut back on their allowance or Internet use -- whatever -- set it in advance. If the kid says it isn't fair, then you have to agree on what is fair punishment. Then, follow through with the consequences.

5. Discuss 'checking in.' "Give teens age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately," says Kaslow. "But you need to know where they are. That's part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening, to check in. But that depends on the teen, how responsible they have been."

6. Talk to teens about risks. Whether it's drugs, driving, or premarital sex, your kids need to know the worst that could happen.

7. Give teens a game plan. Tell them: "If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me -- I don't care if it's 3 in the morning," says Bodrow. Or make sure they have cab fare. "Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face," she suggests. "Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable for that child."

8. Keep the door open. Don't interrogate, but act interested. Share a few tidbits about your own day; ask about theirs. How was the concert? How was the date? How was your day? Another good line: "You may not feel like talking about what happened right now. I know what that's like. But if you feel like talking about it later, you come to me," Elkind suggests.

9. Let kids feel guilty. "I think too much is made about self-esteem," says Elkind. "Feeling good about yourself is healthy. But people should feel bad if they have hurt someone or done something wrong. Kids need to feel bad sometimes. Guilt is a healthy emotion. When kids have done something wrong, we hope they feel bad, we hope they feel guilty."

10. Be a role model. Your actions -- even more than your words -- are critical in helping teens adopt good moral and ethical standards, says Elkind. If they have a good role model from early on, they will be less likely to make bad decisions in their rebellious teen years.

Happy Leap Year.  chrissie

A Strong Defense

In many ways, American teens have never had it tougher. Perhaps a surprising statement, given the United States' obvious affluence compared to the rest of the world. If you're a parent today, you know what I mean. Social pressures are more pervasive and destructive than ever before in American history. Parents often feel helpless to equip their teens with the tools to navigate – and steer clear – of harmful relationships, attitudes and behaviors.
Ideally, the process of equipping our kids to live and thrive in an often hostile world begins as soon as they are born. In fact, parents are the single most important developmental influence in a child's life. But even if time has slipped away, and your teenager seems out of reach, you can begin to lay building blocks to help your teen grow to maturity and make a positive impact on his or her world. Love, commitment, self-discipline, perseverance and a lot of prayer are required, but you can do it.
Assisting your teen in forging a strong, positive identity is one way to help her form convictions based on truth, and then stand firm in them regardless of what everyone else does.
As parents, we can build our teen's identity by using a brick mason's approach. Masonry is an art that requires intense study of the project's design before setting the first brick in place. The job is messy, requires hands-on application and commitment.
Parental brick-layers labor alongside our teens as they experience the joy of discovering their significance in their identity. Teens today are overscheduled and often lack the skills to communicate or set boundaries. They need our help to decide which bricks fit and which ones don't.
The challenge? To encourage them to be who God made them to be, rather than who we want them to be.
Brick-by-brick, we can make a difference for our teens and in their world.

Brick #1: Encourage Self Discovery

Encourage your child to explore who they are and what they want to be. This means exposing them to opportunities, experiences and role models that stimulate and motivate and set up questions and the search for answers.  If a teen's world is no larger than a video game and the local mall, their vision is limited. If their world is a variety of experiences, ideas and genres, they begin to develop and grow.

Brick #2: Acknowledge Natural Abilities

Teens yearn for our support and relationship. It's important to affirm their natural abilities. Be their cheerleader. Attend activities even if they say, "It's no biggie."
Encourage athletes to stay involved in sports throughout high school. Challenge the artsy to try a new instrument, audition for a play, take a watercolor class or voice lessons. If they love to argue, consider the debate team. Talk about career choices that use their talents. For example, math skills are priceless for computer software engineers.  Find your teen's gift and help them to develop it.

Brick #3: Create a Family Motto

.By creating a tagline, our family identity is established. Then when difficulties arise, our motto serves as a stake in the ground declaring who we are as individuals — and as family.  Whether it's, "we aren't quitters", "We don't sweat the small stuff", or "what's really important?". a tag line that draws you together as a family is important.  Knowing who we are as a tribe.

Brick #4: Value Uniqueness

Physically and emotionally, teens' lives constantly change. They can feel overscheduled, unknown, abandoned, or even betrayed. Adolescents still want a unique place in our home. They need to know they belong and that they matter.
Encourage busy teens to enjoy down time, which strengthens their creativity and problem-solving skills. Inform your son his sense of humor is missed when he's gone. Tell your daughter you notice her thankful heart. Everyone needs to be encouraged and recognized.  What better place than at home?
..

Construct A Strong Identity Wall

Building our teens' identity is a long process. The Great Wall of China took years of extensive labor before it fended off enemies. Our teens live in a hostile culture too. They need a wall of protection. As parental masons, we can help them grow strong and resilient.  We can help them begin to begin a life long process.  The quest of who they are. chrissie

You're Fired

We have all heard that parenting is a job.  Yes, it is. I happened on a great analogy

What do you do when one of your employees interrupts you with a question while you are focusing on your project? - You stop. Not because you want to, but because you have to. Your management position requires it. If you choose to tell your employee: "Come back later" or "I really cannot deal with this right now" you are not doing your job as a manager and your review will reflect this. Furthermore, your employees will stop coming to you with their questions, deal with their problems the best way they see how, and eventually your department will be in a state of complete chaos. Your boss wants to speak with you for a moment behind closed doors? There is a very good chance you saw that coming.

Being a manager, guiding other employees so they will succeed and excel in what they're doing is what upper management expects of you. It's a duty that you cannot ignore if you want to keep your job.  

 
Parenting your teenager is very similar to being a manager. Just like any job description, how you go about parenting makes a significant difference in the results. However, instead of guiding and assisting strangers, you are supporting and helping you own child. Are you sure you want to leave your teenager to fend on his own because you're an "already busy parent?"

Busy parents are also stressed parents. We cannot escape the duties of our individual jobs, so we try to keep additional pressures at bay if we can. It's so easy to tell your teen that you really don't have time for him now. He'll say "OK" and walk away -- you're ready to continue with whatever you were doing.  You saved five minutes.

For your teenager, however, these five minutes would have meant getting your help and advice instead of being left to deal with his issue on his own. They would have meant that he is important enough for you to stop what you're doing and help him, instead of being scolded for interrupting your busy life. They would have given him the security blanket he needs as he is trying to gain confidence in himself and his decisions.

There is no fear of a bad review when it comes to your teen -- or is there? If your teen has to deal with an issue without your support and fails -- is it only your teen's fault?

You want your teen to stay out of trouble and you want your teen to succeed. He cannot do that alone, he needs your guidance and support. Your time is needed, not just for a better relationship with your teenager, but for your teen to resist peer pressure, stay out of trouble and not start to drink, use drugs or get depressed. To resist and cope with the pressures of growing up, your teen needs to know that he matters in your life and that he can come to you for help and advice. Your teen needs you - even if he acts otherwise. chrissie

It's the LIttle Things

Another Valentines Day is fast approaching.  Roses are massed in bins at the grocery store .Plush animals are piled on shelves, fuzzy and looking for a home.  Embarrassing lingerie is front and center on department store aisles.  It hangs there, all lace and frilly gossamer, and I think as I walk by, "who wears that?" Oh, I remember, somewhere long ago and far away,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Seriously, Valentines Day is another easy way to make traditions and memories for your child.  Those traditions that are so important in the fabric of a family.  Those memories that help our children know who they want to be, because of where they were.

It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated.  A Valentine Breakfast with heart shaped pancakes and orange juice in fancy glasses.  Dinner all together with your best china and fresh flowers.  A little gift at each place- something unexpected and fun to open. 

How about delivering red and white cupcakes or Valentine sacks of Party Mix to a group your teen is involved with?  Band Pratice.  Glee Club.  You will be surprised. Even that gangling son of yours will be  secretly pleased. Bring them ahead of time and leave though.  It's not homeroom in 3rd grade.

Take any opportunity to be part of your teen's life.  Take every opportunity to support and affirm.  Take every opportunity to be part of the fun.  I have got to run.  I have to get my boys Valentine Boxers in the mail.  Happy Valentines Day!  chrissie