Focus on the Family (http://www.focusonthefamily.com) is a great resource for advise and practical guidance while you are raising your teen. Dr James Dobson founded the Christian based organzation over 30 years ago. It's message is simply, raising our children is the most important event in our life. Their mission is simple. Helping families thrive.
What follows is the first part of a series by Joe White. Joe is director of the Kanakuk Camps in Branson, Missouri. In the series, Joe stresses how crtitical it is to interact and share actual time with your teenager. Actual time. Now there's an interesting idea!! chrissie
Walking the Walk
We parents of teens are called to leave our paths and get on
theirs. Why? To be sure they aren't alone. To encourage them through the
thickets and storms. To rejoice when there's something to rejoice
about.
When we walk alongside our teens, we usually need to follow their
rules. We're there to do what they want to do. We're choosing to
actively participate in their world. It might mean joining a
neighborhood softball team, or trying out for a community or church
theater production, or shooting hoops every night after work, or
chaperoning a field trip to a french fry factory.
The fun of doing something together can fill your scrapbook with
pages of the best times of these all-too-brief child-raising years.
Remember — the days can seem long, but the years are short.
Walking alongside happens when we step into our teens' shoes and
see life from their perspective. We don't do it once a year; we do it
often.
But where do you begin? How do you walk alongside a kid who may
not even like the idea? We'll explore this throughout this article
series.
Here are some good ways to discover how to walk alongside your son or daughter.
1.
Find out what he loves to do. Then do it
with
him, rather than just cheering him on from the stands. Sometimes what he
loves will be obvious, but sometimes it may surprise you both. That was
the case with my son Brady, who wanted to be a basketball player. But
the pressure of basketball was brutal. I saw potential for something
else: music. That didn't come naturally for either my wife or me; she'd
gotten kicked out of choir in sixth grade, and the same happened to me
in my junior year of high school.
"Brady," I said, "look at those hands of yours. You've got the
most beautiful fingers. I can see those on a keyboard. I can see them
running up and down the frets of a guitar."
"Well, I'm not interested in music," he replied.
But by the time he was a college freshman, Brady wanted a guitar.
Today he's recording his third album, writing great lyrics and
making beautiful music. He sings all over the country; we do youth
crusades together. And if you think it's helped our relationship,
you're right.
2.
Make the most of summer. Walking alongside should happen all year, but the best season for growing
with
your teen is summer. Before school lets out, get a calendar and note
how many days you have until fall classes begin. Find a block of time
each
day when you can put your priorities, work, hobbies, and worries aside
and be there 100 percent for your teen. Plan together what you can do —
fishing, camping, shopping, grilling, tennis, whatever your teen would
enjoy.
3.
Take a wild adventure together. Recently my wife took
our grandson on a one-day canoe trip down the beautiful Buffalo River in
northwest Arkansas. It was gorgeous, safe, and surprisingly inexpensive
(canoes rented for just $20 a day). Another family I know hikes in the
Rocky Mountains every year.
4.
Ask what your teen has never done but would like to try.
Go try it together. Learn something new. Go with an open mind and a
sense of humor — like the lady who, when learning to ski, told everyone
that the only rule for the day was to laugh whenever she fell. Look for
classes in a foreign language, dance, art, computer software. Take piano
or guitar lessons. Sign up for a sports clinic.
5.
Serve the needy together. Homeless shelters, the
Salvation Army, soup kitchens, food banks, convalescent homes, tutoring —
the list of volunteer opportunities never gets shorter. One father-son
duo did painting and simple repairs at a home for troubled teens, then
painted playground equipment for a school in a poor neighborhood. My
oldest daughter and I went on a one-week mission trip to Trinidad when
she was 13, and it was the best thing we've ever done together. We found
common goals, common ground, and made memories that helped us through
the most difficult years of our relationship.
6.
Find out what your teen dreads doing. Ask whether she
wants your help with that PowerPoint project about bacteria or that
awkward phone call to a friend whose sister just passed away. What kind
of assistance does she want? Remember to follow her rules — for example,
letting her be the boss about where things go when you help clean her
room.
7.
Walk alongside your teen spiritually. You can connect
to your teen and connect your teen to God by praying and reading and
memorizing Scripture with your teen daily.
Just 10 minutes a day can give your relationship an "eternal
touch." School may get what's in the middle, but I was determined to
"bookend" my kids' days with a short devotion at the breakfast table and
a Bible-and-prayer time before bed.
Three of my four kids really liked our twice-daily times
together. I never forced my kids to be part of them; we only had those
times when I was welcome. For the uninterested teen, I was like an old,
faithful dog — ready in the corner, but not pushy. This old dog didn't
jump on the reluctant child every time she came through the door,
saying, "Let's talk, let's have a devotional." I was just available.
This should be "sanctuary time," a safe place in today's
uncertain world. Don't use it for lecturing, criticism, or manipulating
your teen with God's Word. With those ground rules, your teen can look
forward to spending time with you.
My advice is to ditch the word "devotional," too. It's not
Sunday school; it's your set-apart time, your quiet time, your
sanctuary.
8.
Bring your teen into your world. When I ran errands,
I'd invite one of my teens to come along. If I was speaking at a youth
rally, there was a place for my kids on the team coordinating the event.
When my teens came home from a party or a date, I invited them to
"debrief" over a bowl of cereal with me.
9.
Discover your teen's dreams. There's a dream inside
every young person, as sure as there's a yolk inside every chicken's
egg. Help your teen identify his strengths and work together toward
realizing his dream. My book
Wired by God
is one tool that can help you do that. Guide your teen in setting his
own goals; then investigate ways for him to gain skill and experience.
In our family, Courtney enjoyed gymnastics and volleyball; Brady
was into guitar and basketball; Cooper liked weight training and
football; Jamie pursued cheerleading. I was the lucky guy who got to
catch passes, spot flips, and cheer like crazy. Listening to saxophone
practice and retrieving tens of thousands of basketball shots helped
build foundations for friendships with my kids that I enjoy as an "old
guy" today.
10.
Remember that the relationship is everything. During
those crazy teen years, my relationship with my kids was top priority.
The media were telling them to have fun through sex, drugs and alcohol;
peers were telling them that parents were no longer relevant. I wanted
to earn a hearing by being the person my kids loved hanging out with the
most.
No matter how you decide to walk alongside your teen, remember
that it's not a chore. It's not a competition, either. The goal is to
learn about your teen, to have fun, to encourage, to do some
servant-hearted foot-washing.
Walking alongside your teen takes time. It may even start out as
hard work. But before you know it, the process will be a joy — because
you'll really enjoy this person you're coming to know.
