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I am always taken back when I hear how some parents talk in front of their children. I am even more taken back when I hear how some parents talk TO their children. Walk through the local discount stores and your ears burn. If children learn what they live, the language some of their role models use is sending the wrong message. Boy, is it!

A new study links middle-schoolers’ exposure to profanity via TV or video games to their use of cuss words and aggressive behavior.

You might not find this surprising, especially if you’ve ever eavesdropped on a group of 12- or 13-year-olds who matter-of -factly drop the F-bomb . More than just bad language, researchers have studied how exposure to profanity actually affects teen behavior.

The look at profanity's connection to aggression comes after “hundreds of studies have shown links between exposure to violence, sexual behavior and substance use in media, and subsequent behavior,” the scientists write in a report published online in Monday in Pediatrics.

The researchers asked 223 students at a large Midwestern middle school to complete a questionnaires about their exposure to profanity on TV shows or video games. They also asked, what the tweens thought about profanity and whether they used it, or whether they engaged in aggressive behavior, such as hitting others or spreading rumors about them.

Surprise. There is a link between hearing and using profanity, and aggressive behavior. Statistical analysis of their findings suggests aggressive behavior is exacerbated by violent and profane language.

“Parents should be looking at what their kids are watching," says lead author Sarah Coyne, an assistant professor of family life at Brigham Young University. She notes that profanity appears to be creeping in to more “family friendly” programming than ever. Amen. My four year old grandson was watching Avatar yesterday. I had never seen it and was busy in the kitchen when a very inappropriate word came out of a very blue character's mouth. Grandson was a little disconcerted when I changed the channel. Luckily, Dinosaur Dan was a good distraction.

For that matter, Coyne says it’s important for mom and dad to watch the potty mouth at home, too. She says, “I think that most people slip up from time to time in terms of profanity,” she says. “Just be as careful as you can. If you do slip up, apologize. Point out, it happens, but is not appropriate.

The world of our tweens and teens is turbulent enough with what we can't control. Adding to the chaos with coarse language sets a poor example and may be contributing to inappropriate and even violent behavior. Good manners and civilized behavior are important tools to give our children. Limit the expletives and use our beautiful and descriptive English language to communicate. Words have power. The world has been changed over and over again by those who use words well. Others create fear, hostility and insecurity with their word choices. What are you setting in motion in your family? chrissie

Go To Bed

If you have a teen at home, you may have noticed they are night owls. Gone are the set bedtimes of childhood as they spend endless hours in after school activities, at late night jobs or just in their room, awake and busy. Maybe it's homework, maybe it's video games, but getting them up the next morning is often difficult and stressful. Bleary eyed, they stagger out the door to meet the day.

Turns out the inconvenience is not the only issue with teens and their sleep patterns. It also puts kids at greater risk in serious situations. According to a new survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, students who get less than8 hours of sleep per night are 86 per cent more likely to seriously consider suicide and more than 60 percent more likely to smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol. The study further states that chronically tired high-schoolers also fight, have sex and use drugs more often than their well rested peers.

Experts say kids between the ages of 10 and 17 need 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep nightly in order to exercise good judgement. Two out of three adolescents don't get that much sleep, and that may be handicapping their ability to resist peer pressure and properly gauge the consequences of their actions. Sleep deprivation may be a cause or a symptom-either way, the issue needs to be addressed in a family.

More disturbing news from the same study. Other bad habits that contribute to fatigue: drinking lots of sugary pop, lack of exercise. and spending hours in front of the computer.

Getting teens to bed may not solve all their behavior problems, but sleep is critical to the repair process. It is just common sense to know rest is an important part of mental and physical health. It may be difficult, but parents need to set consistent bed times for their teens.

Shakespeare knew what he was talking about- Macbeth, mad with guilt and remorse, says it all.

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care

The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath

Balm of hurt minds, nature's second course

Chief nourisher in life's feast.

chrissie

Never Say Never

I had a lovely time tonight. A harvest moon, a perfect fall evening, A Happy Meal and my grandson Wagner's soccer game. Nothing like watching 4 -year- olds chase crickets, run out of their shoes and high five at every opportunity. We actually won the game. The Wag Man was unsure as to whether he had contributed to a goal but was pretty sure he had.

Last week, grandaughter Annebelle sang her little heart out at a school program. Only a grandmother would have been able to pick her out of the risers full of 2nd graders but she sparkled like a new penny to me. How blessed I am to live close enough to share their lives.

I love being a grandmother but have noticed more mature women are not the Nanna's or the Mimi's but are the Mothers. There are growing numbers of women who are having children after 35 and are parenting teens way into their 50's. Thanks to fertility breakthroughs and changing lifestyles, there is now a bumper crop of teens with parents old enough to join the AARP.

More are on the way: In 2006, one in 12 first-time Moms were over 35, up from one in 100 in 1970; and in 2009, the only women with rising birthrates were those ages 40-44. (National Center for Health Statistics)

It seems like a huge social experiment. There is little research about how it works out for parents or kids in the years beyond babyhood. Seems to me, it would keep the parent more active. Older folks would be a little more wise. They would be a little more grateful. Surely, not sweating the small stuff comes with the territory? A mellow Mom or Dad might not be so bad after all.

Here are some simple tips for mature parents from child psychologist- Jennifer Lunder.

*Learn about things your kids like, but don't take it too far. You don't want to look like a parent trying to be a teenager- whether you are 35 or 65.

*Overcome any fear of new technology. Take lessons. Practice. Ask your teens how it works.

*Be as open an you can about events in your life that might affect your teen-including your health and your plans for retirement.

Whatever our age, parenting takes patience and confidence and courage- and a whole lot of love!

chrissie

No Money Tree

Another October. Pumpkins. mums and football. Cooler weather, apple cider and geese flying over. Its a great season but this fall, the economy here and abroad is terrifying. There are some serious issues that need to be addressed and no band-aid is going to fix what ails us. I was sent the following article by Tom Dyson, publisher of The Palm Beach Letter and thought I would pass it along. Take what you want and leave the rest, but hopefully, it will get you and your family thinking about the financial lessons you are teaching your children. chrissie

I wrote this essay for your children and grandchildren.

You've probably heard about America's huge debt load. The U.S. government's financial obligations now exceed $663,000 per American family. This burden will fall on the youngest Americans.

It's unethical. It's unfortunate. But it's the reality.

With this giant financial obligation bearing down on them, it's critical that now – right now – your children and grandchildren learn about money and finance. They need to know the basic principles… like how to be independent, why debt is dangerous, and how to grow money.

They don't teach finance in schools. If you don't teach them this knowledge, no one will. They call this financial illiteracy.

If our children are financially illiterate, they have as much chance of survival as a swordsman in a gunfight. There will be no mercy for the financially illiterate in the future. It's likely these people will live as indentured servants to the government and its creditors.

But if our kids have a grasp of finance and its basics – and they obey its laws – they will grow up rich. They will be in a position to help other Americans, too.

Below, you'll find the three vital financial concepts all children need to understand. Please pass them on to your children and grandchildren as soon as you can. I have two young children… And these three concepts are my starting point for their financial education.

First of all, our kids must know that they are not entitled to money or wealth… or anything for that matter, even Christmas presents. They must earn money. I want my children to learn that they shouldn't expect anything to be handed to them. I don't want them to rely on the government for their livelihood, like many people do right now.

So many people treat money and prosperity as an entitlement. The government even calls its welfare programs "entitlements." This word – and what it represents – gets stamped into young people's brains. Kids act as if they are somehow entitled to toys, video games, and cars. But why should they be? Just because they have parents, it doesn't mean they should get everything they want… or anything at all, for that matter.

I plan to regularly remind my children of this when they are old enough to understand it. And I'm not going to pay my kids an allowance. An allowance would reinforce the sense of entitlement. They can make money by earning it: doing the dishes, making their beds, mowing the lawn… there are a million things. My wife and I will pay them for doing those things. But I'm not going to just give them money.

The second concept our children need to understand is debt. Debt is expensive. If you abuse it, it will destroy you. Like the entitlement mentality, debt is an enslaver. It robs you of your independence. I avoid debt in my personal life… and when I'm choosing investments.

The best way to illustrate the cost of debt is to calculate the total amount of interest the debt generates in dollars over the lifetime of the loan, instead of looking at the interest rate (like most people do). Once you look at it like that, you can see how expensive borrowing money really is.

For example, say you borrow $100,000 with a 30-year mortgage at 7%. Over 30 years, you'll end up paying $140,000 in interest to the bank. In the end, you're out $240,000 for a house that cost less than half that. Not a good deal.

The third thing our kids need to learn is the power of compound interest and the best way to harness it.

Compound interest is the most powerful force in finance. It is the force behind almost every fortune. The brilliant Richard Russell calls compound interest "The Royal Road to Riches." And it's mathematically guaranteed.

Let's say, for example, you have $100 earning 10% annual interest. At the end of a year, you'll have $110. During the second year, you'll earn interest on $110 instead of $100. In the third year, you'll earn interest on $121… and so on. This is the power of compound interest. The numbers get enormous over time, simply because you're earning interest on your interest.

Because time is the most important element in compounding, it's an incredibly powerful idea for children to understand. They have the ultimate edge in the market: the time to compound over decades.

The stock market is the best place to earn compound interest. You buy companies that have 50 years or more of rising dividend payments ahead of them. Then you let the mathematics work.

As soon as my kids are old enough to understand some arithmetic, I am going to sit down with the classic compounding tables and show them which stocks they have to buy. I'll use Coca-Cola, Johnson & Johnson, and Phillip Morris as examples.

After that, assuming they have the discipline to follow through, they will get rich. There's no doubt about it.

In sum, you have the responsibility to educate your kin about finance. If you don't, no one else will, and they will suffer for it.

Encourage them to work hard and avoid the entitlement mentality. Teach them the power of compound interest and explain the dangers of debt.

If you do this, you will equip your kids and grandkids to survive financially in the difficult circumstances ahead. You'll provide them with something that nobody can place a price on: the power of independence.
Good investing.

On The Same Page

Teenagers are brilliant. Teenagers are intuitive. Teenagers are clever. A teenager can sense weakness and shatter a parent's best intentions. A Mother and a Father with a difference of opinion are a chink in the armor of parenting. A Mother and Father in a parenting standoff are the million dollar payoff for their teen.

Co-parenting takes a plan. It takes strategy. It takes compromise. Here are several tips from one Sue Blaney to insure a united front when it comes to parenting your teenager.

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

Raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. chrissie

Texting our Teens

Communicating with our children has taken a whole new direction. Texting was something I initially did not use to contact someone. I was too slow typing what I wanted to say and I needed the feedback of a real voice to communicate. As time has passed, I find myself texting more and calling less.

I read an interesting article recently. The writer argues that kids need to hear their parent's voice. Instant messaging may be one of the hottest ways for kids to communicate, but it doesn't hold a candle to hearing Mom when you're a stressed-out tween.

For young girls, the sounds of a mother's reassuring words over the telephone were as soothing as talking with her in person, finds a new study. When researchers compared these reactions to daughters who had only a high-tech IM exchange with their Moms, they found the girl's stress levels were similar to those who had no contact with a parent at all.

"Hearing one another is still an important part of human communication," says Leslie Seltzer, a post-doctoral fellow in biological anthropology at the University of Wisconsin. The study tracked 68 girls between the ages of seven-and-a-half and 12. All the girls completed a questionnaire about their mother-daughter relationships and were given a 15-minute task to test their math and verbal skills.

Afterward the girls were assigned to one of four groups: One saw and spoke with their mother for 15 minutes after the stressful task, a second had a phone conversation for the same amount of time, a third could instant message their Moms, and a fourth had no parental communication.

Participants had both their cortisol levels in their saliva, a measure of stress hormones, as well as their oxytocin levels in the urine, a hormone linked with mother-child bonding, tested frequently during the experiment. Scientists found that stress levels of the girls who had no parental interaction were similar to those who texted and were higher overall than girls who had direct or verbal contact with their mothers. And the girl's who texted did not release oxytocin, a response comparable to those having no parental contact.

"Instant messaging falls short of the mark when it comes to conveying a hormonal signal of comfort," explains Seltzer. "It makes sense that the hormones responsible for attachment and stress-buffering would respond to social vocalizations, which are several billion years old, as opposed to writing in any form, which is a very recent innovation," she adds.

Interestingly, the strength of the mother-daughter relationship didn't seem to influence communication. And while tweens may IM their peers for comfort, exchanging texts with Mom may be totally different. A daughter's stress levels could possibly climb if a parent is not as quick with the words or as adept with the technology as her friends.

Seltzer says she would be surprised if a generation who have grown up texting and IMing will have a different physiological response to their child's use of these technologies when they eventually become parents.

"That would represent an ability very unique to humans -- the ability to elicit a hormonal cascade in response to viewing symbols," Seltzer explains. Talk about evolution.

But for now, with our own children, it seems they need to hear our voice. Communicating by texting does not offer the emotional support our sons and daughters need to feel safe and comforted. See, we knew it all along! Chrissie

Middle School Angst

Ask any adult you know: Which school years were hardest for you? Then brace yourself for a grimace, followed by one of these responses:

a) Middle school.
b) Ninth grade.
c) All of the above.

Why are those years so harrowing for so many, decade after decade? Well, besides the raging hormones, acne, peer pressure, impersonal schools, cliques, bullying and, these days, the potential for kids to destroy their reputations for life on Facebook, there’s also this: the birth throes of an adult brain.

“Whoever you were in the ninth grade you probably still are as an adult,” said Howard Gradet of Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Social Organization of Schools. “You don’t change all that much. We cover it up for a lot of reasons as adults, but that ninth-grader is still recognizable today. Reading this statement struck a chord with me. I see this as valid in how I see myself and how I see my now grown children.

Reducing drama and trauma
Growing numbers of parents are deciding that traditional public schools aren’t doing enough to answer those questions for their kids. They’re hungry for alternatives during this difficult chapter of their children’s lives. And, as it turns out, alternatives abound.

Some parents yank their kids out of public school and opt for private school or home-schooling instead. Others turn to charter schools for tuition-free options. Still others, whose kids may be having a hard time focusing in large, chaotic classrooms, seek out online classes. In fact, online learning programs are becoming so popular that more than 4 million students participated in them in 2010, according to the International Association of K-12 Online Learning.

Students can tackle core academic subjects at their own pace. One 14 year old states, “Having 38 kids in a classroom is very challenging,” she said, noting how long it can take the teacher to get the room under control. “This way I’ll really be able to focus on learning well without being distracted by other kids ... I usually get the information the first time, so having to go over it again and again can be a source of frustration for me.”

Additionally, a sensitive teen will be spared at least some of the “puberty and dramas” of middle school.

You may argue that middle school is ‘training for life.' On-line proponents argue, "when is life like this? When else in your life are you surrounded by 30 other kids your exact same age who are catty, gossiping, with hormones raging? But we have this idea that it’s a rite of passage. A rite of passage for what? Trauma? As a parent, we sheepishly answer, "well...no"

If your child is having a hard time with the middle school transition- do your homework. No matter how much your kids don’t want you to, know what’s going on in their school. Experts advise, Go to the school if you have to. Find out why they’re depressed. Maybe they’re being picked on, or maybe there’s a teacher who’s making them miserable. Something’s not right.”

James Gradet of Johns Hopkins University is an expert on educating ninth-graders, Gradet said it’s all too common for parents to take an excessively hands-off approach once their kids reach high school. Parents do this with good motives, thinking their teenagers need to learn how to go it alone as they get older.

“You do have to back off to an extent, that’s true, but it’s not an all-or-nothing thing,” Gradet said. “It’s easy to think, ‘Whew, I got him to this point and now he’s safe.’ No, he’s not safe. Stay involved. Check his notebook. Show an interest. That really says something to a kid. He thinks, ‘My parents are still interested in what I’m doing, and I still have to answer to them.’ ”

A new middle-schooler getting overwhelmed in a new, huge school — is alarmingly typical. Large, impersonal settings can make it easy for a student to feel invisible, and that sense of invisibility can put a student at risk of dropping out.

“In a typical high school, where the ninth-grade kids are all over the building, their first-period class may be on the first floor of C wing and their second-period class may be on the third floor of A wing,” Gradet said. “There’s a lot of space in between where you can find something to do that’s more fun than going to that next class.”

Gradet and his colleagues have helped to pioneer a “talent development” model for ninth grade that has been implemented in hundreds of public schools around the country — in part to counteract the more than 1,600 large high schools they’ve identified as “dropout factories” because they graduate 60 percent or less of their students. About 2.1 million students attend such beleaguered schools across the United States.

In the talent development model, all the ninth-graders stay together all day in the same section of the school, and all the students and teachers get to know each other well. “The kids aren’t invisible — they can’t be invisible.

Other parents have opted for private school for their kids — regardless of cost. Many parents choose this route because they’re deeply affected by private schools’ results. A Department of Education study of students who attended private schools affiliated with the National Association of Independent Schools revealed that 99 percent graduated from high school, and more than 90 percent went on to four-year colleges.

Unfortunately, private schools are an income dilemma. Tuition is expensive and that doesn't include curriculum or food or uniforms. Home-schooling is another popular option and has become mainstream. Resources, materials and support are readily available through the internet. Home Schooling has moved to mainstream and there is no stigma anymore. It is an increasingly popular choice for parents who have the time and the inclination to educate their own children.

Traditional middle school, on-line, private, charter or home-school? There are now several options available to your family. What is important is that the choices you make can impact your child for a lifetime. Reducing drama and trauma. Keep tuned in and all lines of communication open as your child makes this next important step in his/her education and life. chrissie