Not everyone has had a chance to take a class with Dr. Lashley at NSU. He has a great course in the education department that everyone should be required to take. In it he describes the influence that one's parents can have on one's world view. I use much of his teachings in my classroom, as everyone there, even though still a teenager, is a potential parent him/herself who can benefit from thinking about why we do what we do and think what we think.
Hence, the ham story. It was a holiday. A young woman was going to prepare a ham for the family dinner. Her mother and father had come for this holiday, too, the first at her own house. As the young lady began to prepare the ham for cooking, she cut off the ends of the ham. Her mom asked her why she cut off the perfectly good ends of the ham. The daughter said, "Because that's what you always did." The mother laughed and said, "Yes, but my pan was not as big as yours."
Even though they seem like they are not paying attention, our teenagers have been observing us. Our unexplained actions can be misinterpreted by our teenagers. It is so important to keep the lines of communication open with our teenagers and explain why we do what we do or think what we think.
This is especially true of young teens between the ages of 11 and 16. Many brain studies have shown that they cannot interpret our facial expressions correctly because they are thinking with the amygdala and not the frontal lobes. If you are anxious, they think you are mad. If you are befuddled, they think you are mad. If you are sad, they think you are mad. If you are afraid, they think you are mad.
This is why explaining yourself is so important. Miscommunication can make for more than just some lost ham parts. It can build a wall of misinterpretation between you and your child that provokes an unnecessary fight. And, once they know you are fearful because they didn't call when the movie ran over, and that's why you really are now mad, they can take being grounded much better!
As far as ham, I am kinda hammed out after the holidays. What about a Yankee Sandwich served on hamburger buns? Throw in some chips and this is a simple dinner that teenagers love.
Helen Corbitt's Yankee Sandwich
1 lb. hot dogs, sliced
1 large can baked beans
1/4 cup chopped onion
1/3 cup chili sauce
Mix all ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 15 minutes. Serve on hamburger buns.
21 comments:
never heard that about facial expressions...where do yu find this kind of stuff???? interesting
so...verbal communication is important instead of just that furrowed brow and head shake?
I'm sure if you have had good communication with your child throughout his lifetime - verbal and non-verbal - the furrowed brow and headshake will do it! But not always! At some point they stop being able to understand what your face is saying. Not just yours, but anyone's. There have been a couple of really good studies by neurosurgeons who have shown adolescents pictures of various faces and asked them to identify the emotion the person was emitting while scanning their brain at the same time. They found out that the teens were using a completely different part of their brain for interpretation than the adult control group. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the primitive functioning of early humans - who do we send to war, out to hunt a buffalo (well, did, anyway...), find ater, etc., etc., but our young risk takers?
Do you think eventually we won't even hold criminals responsible for their actions because of their brain's activity over which they "have no control"? That was one of Leif Wright's questions in his editorial last week in the Friday Weekend supplement.
It's funny, as much as we debate that teens have no control over their brain functioning, all my students say that "fact" is wrong; that everyone does have control over their actions, they just choose to ignore it!
p.s. - that was find water, not ater - I hope you could interpret what I was verbally trying to say!
Has anyone else had this conversation with their child: Teen: "What are you so mad about?"
Mom: "I'm NOT mad!!"
It happens to me all the time!
Maybe it's not their brain, but that they just don't get us because they "don't know where we're coming from" (ancient expression). We totally get them because we've been their age before and know what's up, but they haven't got a clue yet.
I like your reasoning, and we HAVE been there before.
That is where my frustration comes-
I DO KNOW BETTER because I am older and hopefully wiser.
"You want to go to a special college?" Choose to study... instead of not.
"You want to have the privledge of driving?" Choose to obey the traffic laws instead of not.
"Adults still make lots of decisions that will effect your life." Grades, jobs, honors and privleges...choose to treat those in authority with respect and courtesy. Wow. Didn't life get easier. Isn't it better to be appreciated than walk through your teens with a chip on your shoulder and bad breaks. (Of course, none of which is your fault!)
"Show some initiative." Go. Do. Change. Dream. Plan. Strive.BE!
Unfortunately they often don't listen to us, as we did not listen to our parents. Maybe the hard knocks made us who we are. How often do we say, "if I only knew then what I know now?" Our parents were also trying to tell us that, all along.
Does it bother anybody that your teeanger won't listen to you? That they are like incredulous about everything you say? Like you don't know what you are talking about?
CaveDwellers, are you out there? Someone left a message for you a couple of days ago on the very first blog page from Decemeber.
In response to the question above:
It didn't normally bother me when my children didn't listen to me. I knew they were really listening, even though maybe subconsciously, and I knew that I was right.
Something that does bother me now, though, is the increasing tendency for students to refuse to believe that their actions now have no bearing on their future success. It doesn't bother me that they aren't listening to me so much as that it just scares me for their future. I don't want them to end up being behind in the game before the game even starts, but I can't convince them that that is a possibility. Maybe as the one person's comment on one of our other postings said, sometimes it's just plain luck, the luck of the draw. I can't leave their futures to chance, though - it's too important.
Thanks for calling my attention to the post in December from MallMomma. I left a post there.
About the facial expressions:
In our home it happens all the time! G-son thinks any facial expression other than a smile means we are angry. We believe this is because between the ages of 1 year to 11, the only attention he received from his Mother was when she was angry at him.
And yes, we also understand the frustration one can experience when your child seems to ignore all your teaching and instruction. I agree that they do "know better", but "choose to ignore" their better judgement. Here in lies the problem. They seem to be more often than not "choosing to ignore". Many Caregivers are left shaking their heads in utter disbelief. Kids do not understand how what they do now will affect them as adults. They can't see themselves being 30 years old. No way can they see themselves being 50 or 60. They truly live in "the moment" and they make all decisions based on the very moment they are in. 12 years to 16 or 17, and sometimes beyond, most teens when faced with , study for test tomorrow, or go to a party , are going to choose the party. Even when they know there will be a heavy consequence for a bad choice, most teens will give in to peer pressure. I remember when Parents thought there was safety in numbers. ( meaning kids were usually more inclined not to get into heavy petting when in groups of 3 or more). Now,hanging out in groups seems to increase bad behavior. They feed off of one anothers bad behavior.
I know I seem to be very harsh on the Teens. It seems all my posts are very negative toward them. So I would like to take just a line or two to state that I really am not "down" on them. I am "down" on the many Parents and Caregivers who do not pay attention to their kids, and who assume because they tell Little Johnnie as they drop him off at the Mall to behave, that he will be the little angel they adore. Or even worse,they are dropping him off so they don't have to deal with him because they have neglected to instill in him right and wrong and they just want to be rid of him for a few hours.Unfortunately, many Parents and Caregivers do not recognize themselves as being either of these. They have what I call CTBBTRS. ( Choose to Be Blind to Reality Syndrome ).It is this group that I am not fond of!
CaveDwellers
CaveDwellers, you are right. Teen behavior toward ignoring the consequences has increased. I think it is due to the last ten years or so of over-the-top MTV and E! tv reports about Brittany and Lindsey, and especially Paris,and Jackass and Johnnie Knoxville. They do things and there are never any consequences. It's often the same in America's public schools - kids do things and there are never any consequences. You flunk something, you can still go to college. You may have to take a remedial class in college, but you can still eventually graduate. It may take ten years, but you can do it.
But, the kids aren't seeing that they are creating all kinds of hardships for themselves with their attitudes. The HUGE problem is that there are no consequences anymore. It is a deception that is hurting our whole country from 13 year olds on up to the corporate executives of Enron - people think they can get away with anything.
Adults will eventually have to face the music, and so will these teens when they are finally adults and they come up against the proverbial brick wall.
You said something that bothers me, too, about choosing to study or party. When was a teenager, you didn't go out of the house on a school night. Studying was a priority. I am probably naive, but I don't think my friends got to go out on a school night, either. There is one exception - a school event. When I first started teaching, that was the rule for most families, too, up until about 2003, maybe earlier, when parents started to let the kids out for any reason, it didn't matter. Grades have fallen. Club membership and participation has fallen, because that used to be the only way you could get out was to go to a club function. Now kids close their jobs, go anywhere they want as long as they just get home by 9:00 or 10:00 p.m. We are in an odd period that I think will swing back in about 20 years when these kids see what a mess we are in and decide not to let it happen to their kids. Hopefully - there's always hope!
Take care in this ice storm!
Melony
I agree with Cavedweller and Mel.
All the popular educational methods are dummying down for disinterested teens and unconcerned parents. Colleges certifying teachers spend a lot more time on "Educational" curriculum rather than knowledge of the subject. Check out credit requirements at any state school. As a teacher, in ten years of staff development, I can count on one hand sessions that involved my discipline and how to better teach it. We are to add bells and whistles to try to keep kids interested- and just coming. True learning and critical thinking, reasoning and analysis and yes, even memorization....are replaced with
"engaging students" "meeting them where they are", and identifying learning styles. An example? As an English teacher I am convinced the popular "journaling" as a substitute for true writing disciplines has produced a generation that cannot compose or articulate a written essay or even a written paragraph. This is also a generation who by and large were not read to and do not read, so the beauty of a well contructed idea or description or emotion or event- is not in their realm of understanding. Over and over I realized my students could not create a grade level narrative, expository or descriptive essay. Sadly, most did not have the patience to methodically go through the process to learn.
The government has mandated all students should go to college. the government must allow those without the desire or the drive to fail. The ones who do go on, however,will truly be prepared for the opportunity. Also, if graduation is not a "given" and "by arrangement", perhaps it will be of value again and something worth striving for. C
I don't get it - all there is to do on the Internet requires reading, but the kids say they don't like reading!!! You have to use your reading skills, no matter what. What do you mean the government has mandated that everyone go to college? I have not heard of that.
I need to clarify. The federal government is requiring more math and science, no "remedial classes" in high school,foreign language requirements; in other words, a college prep curriculum for all students. Conversely, the vision is no child left behind but the reality is some kids just want to get a diploma and get out-and it is continually made more difficult to do so. Pressure is on for "all" kids to succeed- to keep them in school and to reverse high drop out rates. The Catch 22 is that for all students to succeed (ie graduate) curriculum, attendance requirements, discipline issues, homework, ect. ect. ect. are adjusted and modified constantly. There are lots of "gimmees" in high school today. As an educator, it is very difficult to keep the college bound kids on track and getting where they need to be. At the same time, teachers are trying to keep the kid who already has a job,or a child, "issues", no home life or could just care less, passing and statistically get them out of high school. DIfferent focuses were all mixed up, sitting in the same classes. Look at test scores. Do you think this is working?
I am an advocate for "tracking" which is a dirty word in educational circles. True college prep, Vo-tech track and basic high school curriculum for kids who desire it. I could teach to any but to reaching all needs at one time was difficult.
As far as the reading thing- far as I could tell, many kids have not disciplined themselves to read anything that is not pertinent, relevant and interesting to them.
Chrissie is right. Just this year the State of Oklahoma is making parents sign an opt-out waiver, otherwise ALL students are to be enrolled in a college preparatory curriculum.
I just want to get them through high school and graduation. All over the country the drop out rate is atrocious, dropping into the 60 percentile.
My students formulated their own debate topics for a unit on Cicero, and one of the topics they chose was tracking. They felt there really should be tracking of students, but of course we're talking about kids who have already voluntarily tracked themselves into college bound AP courses.
Thank you, ladies, for that clarification. I am learning as a parent of a young teenager. This is my first and I only have my own experience of 20 years ago to rely on. The problem is, I wasn't really paying attention back then.
Thank you, ladies, for that clarification. I am learning as a parent of a young teenager. This is my first and I only have my own experience of 20 years ago to rely on. The problem is, I wasn't really paying attention back then.
I am glad this helped. I try to not make too broad of a statement and you were exactly right with your first post. Keep us honest!!!!! C
We CaveDwellers were very lucky! Our power was out for only 3 hours and we were visiting our Daughter at that time. As for damage, only one large tree sustained significant damage. We feel somewhat guilty seeing the damage most have suffered.
Melony, about your comment of there always being hope,,Yes there is! Today my Grandson actually brought me lunch and softdrinks as I worked on my computer. All without being asked! He has been doing his chores on his own, and even did some laundry! I was recently in a fender bender and I have a bit of whiplash, and he even massaged my neck today and brought me a heat pad! Oh My! I can hear all you suspicious ones out there wondering what he has done that he's feeling guilty about...LOL! SHHHHH,,I'm enjoying the moment!
CaveDweller
Cave Dweller this is Chrissie
Mel is temporarily off line but will be up and running tomorrow. I am so glad to have your good report. What is it.."Blessed to be a blessing?" You are starting to reap all love you have sown. God Bless Keep Warm and Safe.
CaveDweller, what a wonderful, pleasant surprise from your grandson! That is definitely a treat! He is a sweeheart, isn't he?! I think he's got a good role model!!
I am glad you all escaped damage - all the people I have talked to have a story about the ice storm, but mostly it is one of deep gratitude to be alive and well and have electricity! We are still thinking about those whose power has yet to come on!!
Melony
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