Homer Simpson is not Emily Post

We all want our children to have a successful and productive life. Shoot. Wouldn't we also like that for ourselves? Is there a short- cut that makes life better, more pleasant and eminently, more satisfying? It is as obvious as the nose on our face, but unfortunately, half the American population is publicly picking theirs.

Manners. Yep, Manners. Now, I am not talking about which spoon to use when served clear soup versus cream soup. I am talking about the forgotten practice of putting a napkin in one's lap. The next step in this process is actually using said napkin. The quandary of what month oysters are served in is not a pressing problem. Eating across from someone who has much to say about Global Warming, but does so with their mouth open, full of chili fries, is definitely disconcerting. Elbows off the table, please. Sometimes shoulders off the table is more applicable. Do not hold a fork upside down in a tight fist and stab at anything that's not tied down. Knives should be replaced to the plate after each cut, not held in the other hand as if expecting an ambush at the dinner table.

Toothpicks. Oh Lord. How have they become accepted main steam hygiene? What are we modeling for our kids? Pieces of partially digested food products are being sucked and picked out of diner's teeth during coffee and dessert. Wait one, maybe two more minutes at the max. Gums and spaces will not suffer until you can at least get to your car. Ask your dentist. It's okay.

Children should be taught to rise when older people enter the room. Anyone younger should do so. It is a sign of respect. We all need to know what a firm handshake is and how to make eye contact. A correct introduction is important to grasp. It's oldest first, "Father Time, may I introduce Naked New Year Baby in top hat." As a teacher, I really noticed when I was acknowledged with a smile and a nod by students (or faculty for that matter). Common courtesy. It is affirming and positive.

What in heaven's name happened to holding a door open for someone? How many times are you right on the heel of someone going into the Quickie Mart and BAM, the door slams in front of you as Mr. No Shirt heads to the beer cooler. Oh and my favorite, just as you hit the door, manly man brings up a big, juicy hocker and SPITS it on the pavement as he goes into the store. This is an incredibly nasty habit and it has also become mainstream. Walking up the steps at my high school was enough to ruin lunch. Boys and Girls. This is an equal opportunity bad manners.

Hats. Oh hats. Men and boys. Take them off inside. It is simple. Friends employed at the hospital laugh about certain proud papas. At the birth of their child, they smile for the camera with their baby in their arms and with their ball cap screwed tightly on. Sweaty and well used or still with the tag hanging off the brim, please, take them off inside. It is good manners.

Let's agree to not put anything on the back of our cars that someone else would be embarrassed to read or is illegal. Cartoon characters relieving themselves on anything said driver takes offense to would be one example. Physical maiming threatened as retaliation for tail-gating is another popular Oklahoma bumper-sticker. Lastly, the humor of your kid beating up my honor student may just be sending the wrong signals of your expectations and priorities to your own personal child.

A personal bugaboo - bread and butter letters. Children need to start the practice as soon as they can scribble and continue until they can no longer hold a pen in crippled, arthritic hands. If Great Aunt Edna hobbles to the mall and picks out that stunning pair of rubber galoshes-thank her. After any job interview, drop a note and thank that little HR guy for his time. Mr. and Mrs. Super Parents host all 67 of your Chess Club for dinner and debate, thank them. Acknowledge kindness. Acknowledge effort. Write a Thank You note. Wedding gifts, graduation presents, baby showers, birthday parties, memorials to a loved one-gratitude and appreciation please. One other thing, those pre-printed thank you notes, a definite no-no. Write your own and make it sincere and personal. When my kids were small, birthday checks would be cashed as soon as the thank you note was written and mailed. Not a bribe, a given.

Socially acceptable behaviour is not brain surgery Manners are nothing more than kindness, consideration and common sense. Start standards of behaviour early and they will be second nature to your child. Civilized behavior is not bad. It is good. From a compliment on the back of a child's elementary report card to important and monumental life choices, being polite goes a long way to "seal the deal" for a successful life.