It seemed like a good time to outline Sean Covey's second most important decision a teen will ever make. (For #1 see "Do you Always Want To Wear A Paper Hat?"- January Archives)
What's number 2? Friends. Why? "Because friends can either build you up or tear you down." He continues, "more importantly, what kind of friend will you be?" Being true to yourself makes you a friend people will want to have. Why? You can be trusted, you are caring and you are self-assured. Confidence is contagious. People around it want it too.
What makes friendships so difficult?
1. N The Popularity Game N Have you heard the song Popular from the musical "Wicked"? Oklahoma's own Kristen Chenowith, portraying Glenda the Good Witch, is teaching Elseba (The Bad Witch) the game of how to be popular.
"I'll show you what shoes to wear
How to fix your hair
Everything that really counts
to be pop-u-lar
This is exactly what it is - a game. In a game, there are winners and there are losers-always. So don't play it. Be wise. Don't play the game of popularity. Be yourself. (Something interesting. Independent and trustworthy You may look back in a few months time and find yourself POPULAR without all the strings attached!)
2. r Friends Little Quirks r Just because a good friend won't eat at the same table with particular people, or insists on gossiping, or only participates in "in" activities, doesn't mean you have to acquiesce. Lead by example. Eat with who you wish; change the hurtful subject in a gentle way; and follow your own interests as she follows hers.
3.lGossips and Bulliesl This is a hard one. Gossips can be discounted but bullies are not easily ignored. Your initial reaction can set the tone for future confrontations. Don't be intimidated. Don't react. That is what a bully is looking for. Don't get into a situation where you feel unprotected and vulnerable. Go to an adult if the situation seems to be getting out of hand. Be especially aware of bullying that is masked as friendship. If you always seem to be the brunt of jokes and put-downs, step back and evaluate what you are getting our of this relationship. And back to the gossip issue.
2. r Friends Little Quirks r Just because a good friend won't eat at the same table with particular people, or insists on gossiping, or only participates in "in" activities, doesn't mean you have to acquiesce. Lead by example. Eat with who you wish; change the hurtful subject in a gentle way; and follow your own interests as she follows hers.
3.lGossips and Bulliesl This is a hard one. Gossips can be discounted but bullies are not easily ignored. Your initial reaction can set the tone for future confrontations. Don't be intimidated. Don't react. That is what a bully is looking for. Don't get into a situation where you feel unprotected and vulnerable. Go to an adult if the situation seems to be getting out of hand. Be especially aware of bullying that is masked as friendship. If you always seem to be the brunt of jokes and put-downs, step back and evaluate what you are getting our of this relationship. And back to the gossip issue.
Unkind words are like rubber and glue.
What you say bounces back on you!!!
.
4. *Suffering Through Comparisons and Competitions* This is a game all ages play. Once again, there is always a loser. Be you. Be accepting and gracious with friends successes and strengths. Remember, you have talents and gifts too.
Some tips from Sean Covey to improve friendships. They are practical and easy.
+ Choose friends who like you for who and what you are.
* Don't make friends the center of your life
# Be Yourself
+ When it comes to friendships, stop competing. Think Win-Win
* Lift Others
# Prepare for peer pressure by setting goals
Here a simple exercise to help you figure yourself out.
Covey suggests you identify your personal "Life Center". Friends, school, popularity, work, hobbies, sports, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents, faith; or something else. Now, really stand back and consider this "center's" effect on you. Is it a positive, affirming and an evolving element that is leading you toward your life's goals?
A simple check list regarding friends.
a Choose friends that build you up
a Be a true friend
a Stand up to peer pressure
One last suggestion. Come up with 5 things you would be willing to stand up and fight for in the face of peer pressure. Follow your heart, don't follow the herd.
Now, if someone would just invent a pill that we could give our teenager that would make them believe they don't have to compete and make them thicker skinned and make them think on their own...
ReplyDelete"Wicked" is coming to OKC in June by the way!
ReplyDeleteit's not just mean girls...boys can be cruel too. and the internet and face book make it easy to humilate and wreck a kid's life. it happened to my grandson and his family finally moved to another town for a fresh start.
ReplyDeleteit was that devastating. they had tried everything to stop the bulldozer but the kids on the offensive smelled blood it was really bad. His parents have had to seek counselling and were even afraid of suicide
I don't think but the rarest of kids would be able to stand up to group peer pressure. It is much to important in our youth to "belong" to a group. We haven't much of a sense of self and therefore are not able to stand alone on our own. I believe it is simply that in our teens we are seperating from our parents and their control of our choices. We need a group of friends to bridge the seperation. That group makes it easier for us to begin to make choices outside of our parents control. Not ready yet to make all decisions for ourselves, "the group" becomes both an easy way to test our choices, and also gives us a good place to lay blame if our choices turn out not to be good ones.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, many times we do not grow past the "group" mentality. It protects us in so many ways that it becomes more difficult to seperate from it than to seperate from our parental influences. This is why it is so important that teens have parents who stay focused, alert and involved in their lives,no matter how hard that child tries pushing you out. Unfortunately the pushing us aside is a natural right of passage. But take heart! In their twenties, they usually love us again and begin to ask our opinions once again. In their thirties they begin to depend on us again,( babysitting, our tool expertise, financial tips, etc.). At fourty, they have become more like us than they or we every imagined and they are now helping us with decisions we need to make,,,but can't manage to do on your own......
Just a note to those who may be wondering...
ReplyDeleteSpring break was busy here in the Cave. When school is out, the little grand-dwellers are in abundance in the Cave.
Grandson is doing terrific! As some of you know, things were a bit tense with him for a time. But I am so proud to report he has brought all his grades up ( A's B's and a high C! ) His attitude at home has been nothing short of remarkable! Chores are done without his being ask. He is pleasant to be around once again! His choice of clothing is still primarily black, but now and then he chooses red, and I even caught him looking at a yellow shirt the other day!..LOL!
Consistancy in dicipline works! I believe he has finally figured out that poor choices results in a lot of boreing time without his cell phone, his Ipod, and Xbox and time with friends. Good choices gives him his "stuff" and a lot more freedom!
Also, never doubt the power of prayer!
CaveDweller
Oh Cave Dweller. What a good report. I had been missing your insight and updates. Keep us informed and advised and keep doing what you're doing with that precious grandson...it's obviously working!!! Spring is a grand time for renewal isn't it. C
ReplyDeleteGrieving Grandma, I am so sorry that happened to your grandson. I have had some students to whom a similar thing has happened - a kind of assassination on someone's My Space and it can be really devastating, as well as giving the person a helpless feeling. I hope time and distance heals that soon for your grandson.
ReplyDeleteCavedweller - I am so glad to hear your good report! What a wonderful example of hope and love and commitment! Fantastic! It is so good to hear from you!
Melony
Grieving Grandma, I am glad your grandson has parents who are addressing what happened and getting him help to deal with it. I too had a friend whose son was singled out, once, and then again, and it became a campaign against him. That mob intellect takes over and it's hard to stop it. It's easy to say they need to learn to deal with it, but sometimes it seems like adult intervention and input is a necessity.
ReplyDelete