Summer is quickly approaching and teenaged college students will be returning home from their freshman year. Apprehensions can be high for all parties having to acclimate themselves - parents having children in the house again and teens worried about having a curfew imposed on them after a year or two on their own.
What to do, what to do? It seems kind of silly to tell someone who has been living on their own for the past year what time to be home, after all, no one was there telling him/her to come home on time at college or to pick up the dirty towels.
But, good rules for communal living apply to everyone when a college student is living at home. These are just decent guidelines for living with people, regardless of whether they are family or college roommates. Here are some things to consider (see *disclaimer below):
1. Don't say "Because I said so." Making a big deal out of things will only cause hard feelings between you and your child. Take curfews, for instance. There isn't much to do in Muskogee after 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. that doesn't involve something stupid or illegal, but today's teens can hang out like nobody's business, all night even. I have yet to become accustomed to how late kids, almost all kids, want to stay out. Rather than making the issue about curfew, make it about common courtesy. Ask them to call if they are not coming home, but don't be mad if they wake you up to tell you! Reiterate that you aren't trying to run their lives or control them, but that everyone living in a household has to respect one rule - knowing where everyone is for the common safety of all. Just try turning off your cell phone for a day - or even a few hours - if you want them to get the point!!
2. Avoid saying, "Because this is my house," even though it really is your house. Point out that everyone shares the chores and the livingroom is not the repository of shoes, books, CDs, and dirty dishes. Again, common courtesy is the framework here.
3. Try not to say, "Because I pay the bills, that's why." It's true, but everyone knows it's true, too, so it's kind of redundant. Approach your teen on adult footing instead. Point out that these are "our" bills - money saved on airconditioning, not holding open the refrigerator door, and not leaving all those half-finished bottles of water, Coke, or Gatoraide around can help pay tuition for the next year, saving your child's money for some new kicks or an extra gallon of gas.
4. If you do have to say, "Because it's my house, I pay the bills, and I said so," say it with a laugh and with love. What you are really trying to do is teach your young adult how to live life correctly and moderately with healthy habits, even when you're not around. Rather than being accusatory ("Where were you all night last night?"), say, "It worries me that you will ruin your health staying out late and having to get up early to go to work (hopefully your teen will be gainfully employed)...or school (make use of Connor's summer classes for cheaper tuition)." Being accusatory keeps your child in a juvenile state in which you will indeed inevitably prove that he/she can't handle adult responsibility.
Summer will fly by and they will be off to school again in no time. And next summer they may not even come home at all. What to do? Enjoy them while they are here and don't sweat the small stuff. It's the only right thing to do.
*There are some obvious exceptions, for instance, if your child has a drug or alcohol problem and is stealing money from your purse or bringing home dangerous people late at night after you have gone to bed. It IS your house and you can't allow that for your own safety and peace of mind.
Also, call me old fashioned, but I really do have a problem with girls/women being out late at night alone. So many things can happen to a young woman, from a flat tire to a stalker, but they are intrepid these days, and their independence can lull them into a dangerous complacency. You don't want them to be paranoid, but you do want to teach them to be observant of their surroundings. That report on women's intuition is true - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right.
7 comments:
It was weird coming home after my freshman and sophomore years, but now I have a new appreciation for my parents. I realize that alot of the stuff I did was dumb. Actually I was the one making a big deal out of everything (staying out late, leaving without telling anyone where I was going), not my parents. Now I love being at home, and I get to have some real food, too!
Here is a book I just found in the New York Times Book Review online. It may help explain the phenomenon:
The Creation of Youth Culture by Jon Savage.
In it he dicusses many of the points you make only more elaborately and extended back to the 1880's.
Hi! Thanks so much for the book title. I will check it out. I was also just reading a magazine article my sister found in Good Housekeeping this month about the self-esteem movement and its effect on teens after 15 years. I think people are beginning to realize it is hazardous to go overboard with the fake feel good stuff. Melony
Yes, in some parts of the country self-esteem issues have gone too far. Examples lately? Not allowing elementary kids to participate in activities that have winners. No games like Musical Chairs or Kick Ball. No Honor Rolls or Recognition procedures. In middle school and high school, no class elections, everyone is rotated, so nobody gets their feelings hurt.
10 to 20 "Valedictorians" , which has fooled no university admission folk. Effective and positive self esteem has to be earned and worked for, it can't be administered with a blanket pat on the head!
Oh and Anonymous....thanks for the input! Isn't it interesting what a little time and life experience does to put things in a new light!
All us parent types will cross our fingers for our own kid's EUREKA moments! Chrissie
"There isn't much to do in Muskogee after 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. that doesn't involve something stupid or illegal..."
I'm glad you made this point, I really hope some of your readers will take this to heart.
"...girls/women being out late at night alone. So many things can happen to a young woman, from a flat tire to a stalker, but they are intrepid these days, and their independence can lull them into a dangerous complacency."
I've recently had this exact dialog with my sister and close friend (both of whom are single and in their early 30's and fiercely, fiercely, fiercely independent, did I mention they were fiercely independent). I wouldn't even limit this to females, but to to males as well, nothing good ever happens at night. There's absolutely nothing wrong with traveling in groups or putting off that late night grocery store run until the morning.
J, thanks so much for that very, very cogent comment. I thought it was just me - I am so glad to know others feel the same way. You are right, guys or gals, there is a possibility of danger at night. It's hard to tell independent women to be careful - they scoff - but, they really do need to listen to their intution and lock their doors, don't pick up anybody, talk to stangers through a rolled up window, and scope out an area they are about to enter before getting in or out of their cars.
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