What follows is the second installment of our on-line contributor, "Cave Dweller". Be sure and read the previous entry if you missed it last week.
It is becoming more and more common for grandparents to be raising their children's children. Couples who thought their child raising days were over find themselves back at parent- teacher conferences, soccer games and birthday parties. Many of these children assimilate well. Others have been so wounded and bruised by their prior circumstances that they need more than just a willing family member. Structure, expectations, boundaries and discipline are not easily accepted. Patterns and imprinting are often hard to change. These children and teens self-destruct, even with the love and support of their grandparents. That is what makes Cave Dwellers insight and experience so important. She is succeeding.
If you want to see more of her observations and comments (and our responses), read through "The Care and Feeding of Teenagers" Blog Archives. It is a testament to the love of family.
Part II - No Matter What
Danny had grown used to his rare visits with us being all about fun and games, and good times. That's what Grandparents do!
Now suddenly we were thrust into the roles of being his Parental Figures. We were setting rules, and enforcing them. And at this same time, his 12 year old hormones and natural urge to "govern" himself were kicking in. He had pretty much raised himself all those years he had been with his mother. Now all of a sudden, he had people controlling him. And he didn't like it!
And here we were, just beginning to enjoy our peace and quiet, our ability to pack a bag and take off anyplace we wanted, anytime we wanted. We had just settled into the quiet and peaceful lives we had looked forward to since our kids married and left home.
Suddenly, we were dealing with a child who had not had any boundaries, and was resenting the boundaries we placed on him. We were dealing with yelling matches, fists through walls, foul language, and in-our-face hostility.
Dealing with this from a total stranger is painful enough. But dealing with it from a child you love deeply, is beyond comprehension. I had melt downs. Many of them. And to be honest, we resented that we had been put into this situation.
And it was hard to understand how this child who we had given up so much for, could be so ungrateful! What we didn't recognize was that he was venting his anger on us, because we were "safe." We would not hurt him. He knew that deep in his heart. He knew that we would take care of him, no matter what...
14 comments:
I guess sometimes grandparents raising grandchildren is the outcome when kids try to raise kids.
You may be right, but there are a variety of reasons grandparents are now raising grandkids. What you mention is only the tip of the iceberg.
Melony
There are many reasons why Grandkids are being raised by granparents.
Personally, I believe the largest reason is because we have a couple of generations who have been raised with everything coming easy for them. They never learned to truly appreciate anything.They were never "hungry" for anything. They grew up feeling they were entitled to "Have it all", no matter what the cost to someone else. They are the center of their universe and everything and everybody else exists around them.
Don't misunderstand me. There are some wonderful young parents out there!! Some are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. They sacrifice their own desires to be free, be wild, to supervise their kids, and to attend their kids activities. In other words,,,,They PARENT!
Part of the reason Grandparents are raising their Grandkids, is the economy. Our economy does not support a family oriented society any more. We are too busy trying to pay for houses, cars, tv's expensive trips clothes etc.,that we can't afford, that we don't have time or energy for the kids. We have become a society that places more importance on "things" than we do in the raising of "good" people. And it funny. These kids have babies, but have no intention of sacrificing their desires for the child. The child becomes just one more "thing" that moves around their universe...
Sad isn't it??
CaveDwellers
CaveDweller, someting you said is what I believe is the root of all our problems today:
"I believe the largest reason is because we have a couple of generations who have been raised with everything coming easy for them. They never learned to truly appreciate anything.They were never "hungry" for anything."
This is so true. I feel like this is a very big part of why our society is less creative overall than it used to be. You know the term Necessity is the Mother of Invention? We are less creative and inventive because we have no immediate needs right now. This is what society has strived for for thousands of years, but it is not in our best interest ultimately.
And it is not in a child's best interest to have everything he or she wants. There is nothing to strive for or learn from. That is not to say that one cannot be wealthy and afford one's children opportunites to travel, learn, go to cultural events and take lessons. But, they cannot be given all the material goods they want. There's a fine line.
And, it used to be just the probelm of the wealthy, but now extends to the majority of the people, through either social programs or credit cards.
It's a problem.
Melony
I just wish with all my heart that we would all STOP trying to prove our "success" to each other through the "things" we give our kids. We are doing them no favor!
Amen!
I meant to also say thank-you for sharing your story, but prematurely hit the publish button. It took alot of courage to tell your story. I read this often, but have been afraid to say anything. I need more courage! I think if I had more courage I could deal with my kids better, too! Thanks! Thanks for posting this.
Thanks so Much Frazzlemum for your kind words.
It isn't bravery, or courage at all. Maybe just my own personal need to help another kid or another caregiver, or both, to make a simular situation work.
Hang in there. Jsut remeber,,your the Parent, and your responsibility is to "assist" them into adulthood...Even if it makes them crazy!...LOL
Don't you all think that sometimes it is merely continuing to put one foot in front of the other? You just keep going and going because you don't know what else to do and you know you can't stop.
Courage is a good word and also confidence is important. As care-givers we must be confident in our choices and expectations. So many adults were not raised in a structured home with clear expectations....so how can they convey soemthing they don't know themselves? Surely it can be done, methodically if not instinctively! Right?? Chrissie
Chrissie, you said so many people were not raised in a home with clear expectations, so how can they know how to manage teens. That is so true. It is difficult to do what you don't know.
Mel
I am a great example of that! My childhood was as disfunctional as it can get! When my children were born, I think I was a very good Mom. But when they hit their teens, I am afraid I must admit , I pretty much "checked out". I was overwhelmed! I had no parenting skills, and had nobody to turn too. I pretty much had to be the diciplinarian in our home, as my husband was just too passive. I hated it! Heck,,,I down right resented it! I had nothing to fall back on as far as Parenting was concerned. I pretty much had raised myself. I just gave up, and I know it was because I had no skills to fall back on.
I regret more than I could ever express in mere words or even in actions, the things I did not do with or for my kids during their teens.
I made mistakes, some little, some HUGE. Hopefully we learn something from those mistakes. Maybe it isn't until we are older that we realize the importance of OUR being there for our kids, in every sense of the word. It isn't someone elses job. So now,I supose what I am trying to do with my Grandson is give him a foundation he can draw on later in his life when he has kids of his own. Because I didn't have it. And I try my best to be a good "Parent" to him. And I try my very best to be a good Grandparent to my other grandkids. I can't go back and undo the past, but I can darn well do my very best to "plant some seeds" of Parenting now for the future.
Fortunately, my kids survived my AWOL days and I am very proud of them! "They are MY heros"! My Son has survived a severe brain injury and just keeps putting one foot in front of the other through obstacles that most of us would not even venture to try. My Daughter is truly my best friend. She is the kind of Mother I could only dream of being! I draw a lot of my strength from her. She is always there for me. There was a time years ago when we could not be in the same room together. The teen years are difficult for every member of a family to get through. But she and I are living proof that it is survivable!
This blog is a powerful tool for anyone who needs a little help in the way of advise, ideas, or simply a pep talk! I know it has helped me a great deal. Sharing our experiences,can do nothing but help each other get through the turbulent years. We all need all the help we can get.....
CaveDweller
CaveDweller, I think your reaction to the teen years was very normal. Most people are overwhlemed, shocked at the change in their once sweet child, overwhelmed by their spouses' attitude or by not having a spouse/helper at all. "Checking out" of the whole teen period is a common reaction.
As I said in my blog on The History Teacher and you said in your comment above, you can't go back and change the past, but each new day is a day we can plant the seeds of a different dynamic, and thus a different future for our family.
We do need all the help we can get. You hit the nail on the head. Thanks.
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