It's What's Inside That Counts

Could there be a better goal than to have our teens interact with the rest of the world in a healthy manner? No chips on their shoulder, no victim mode, no bully mode. Dr. Randall Grayson believes that changing a child's mind, thus changing their behavior is far more effective than conditioning behavior and hopefully changing the mind. An example? Instead of a time out or other threat for say, taking a ball on the playground, an adult guides a child into other choices that meet both his needs and the needs of others. What follows is a thought provoking way to look at not only how our kids perceive their world, but also how we do.

Taking responsibility for ourselves is something most of us struggle with. Despite the difficulty, the reward is worth striving for- our freedom and autonomy. It is healthy parent-child relationships. It is healthy communication between husband and wife or co-workers. When we understand that we have choices regardless of the behavior of others, we can have relationships based on our own responsibility, self-discipline, and love; we can create those good relationships instead of waiting for them from others. The Shift: From external to internal control.

External control
"I felt angry and that's why I yelled at him!"
"I'm depressed, so that's why I'm sitting here doing nothing."
"My friends make me feel stupid."
"My mother made me angry so I'm not talking to her."
"When people call me names, I'm going to hit them. It's their fault if they get hurt, not mine."
"If you would just stop being so uptight, I could relax and then everything would be fine."
"If Jane would just clean up her room, I wouldn't get so angry."
"I'm bored. That's not fun. I need more fun things to do."

Core belief: We feel the way we do because some person, place, or thing makes us feel that way. We blame.
Core belief: We either manipulate, or we are manipulated.
Core belief: The outside world should give us things we need to be happy.
Core belief: We do what we do because of how we feel


People who are externally motivated spend a great deal of time looking for exactly the right people, places, and things so that they will finally feel fulfilled. To wait for others to change so that we can love them will be a source of endless frustration and disappointing relationships. Our ultimate freedom comes in being able to find our balance regardless of another person's action.


Internal control
"How do I want to feel in this situation?"
"That person called me names; I can choose to feel angry, sad, sorry for their lack of understanding, or grateful I am not them"
"Do you want to be homesick? Can you imagine being happy even though you are not with your mom?, Do you want to be enjoying camp rather than feeling sad all the time?"
"I really respect myself for the way I handled that situation."
"I like who I am when I act like this."
"Would you like to spend your time feeling good about what you did well or bad about what you didn't do so well?"

Core belief: What's going on outside of me is just information. I have to the power to choose how I want to feel. Feelings come from the inside out, and not outside in.
Core belief: Our pain in the world comes not from the circumstances of our lives, but from the way we deal with those circumstances. Our pain is the result of the difficulty of being loving when others are not.
Core belief: People want to do and be good, but sometimes they need help learning how.
Core belief: People have the power to be terrific people, even in non-terrific situations. Being loving is easy in situations where those around you are doing what you want and giving you the attention and love you desire. But being loving is more difficult if someone is mad at you, or lets you down, or treats you poorly, or does not do what you want them to do. When we are caring and compassionate in the face of bad situations, we find peace, balance, and love.


Our Core Needs
From this perspective, people have five core needs. It is believed that all behavior can be traced back to one of these core five needs. All behavior is code, and all behavior happens for a reason. These needs instruct us on how to be in the world.The instruction to 1. "Be Loved and Be Loving" is an urge to connect, 2. to belong, 3.to feel compassion for others, and 4. to forgive. Even though it is difficult to see this need expressed in people sometimes, the assumption is that we are all born with the desire to be this way in the world. For example, people may express this need through anger, showing off, bitterness, or even by being shy. Also under the need to be loved is the need for self-worth, or self-esteem. 5. People want to feel good about themselves.

"Being Powerful" means standing in your own circle of strength, having a voice, staying strong in difficult situations, being worthy, having self respect and having impact on the world. Being powerful means telling the truth when you are worried others may criticize, it means taking a step off the zip wire platform even though you are scared, and it means sticking with a difficult project until you are really proud of your work.
"Being Playful" is the ability to have fun regardless of the things or activities that surround you. When children complain that they are bored, mothers are often quoted as saying, "Only boring people are bored." Too often as we get older, we wait for external circumstances to create pleasure. The internally motivated playfulness comes from viewing each situation with curiosity, whimsy, and an openness to new perceptions.
"Being Free" is our ability to maintain a sense of autonomy and choice. People following their internal instruction to be free are able to see choices, to "see the glass half full," and to think about "freedom to" and "freedom in." People who are trapped in the external are always worried about "freedom from" and ask themselves, "How is this making me feel?" People who are being free are more likely to ask, "How do I feel about this situation?" and even more importantly, "How do I want to feel about this situation?"
Safety and Survival are also core human needs. We need food and shelter, and when they aren't provided, they take up the majority of our thought and behavior. People also act quickly when there is an immediate threat to safety or survival. If we don't follow our psychological/spiritual instructions, we feel internal signals -- loneliness, powerlessness,
boredom, or feeling trapped -- that inform us of that fact. When people who understand their internal instructions feel lonely, for example, they do not wait for others to love them. They look for others to love. They call a friend, they pat the dog, or they give a gift. As they take these actions, they begin again to be loving, and the loneliness disappears. When they feel bored, they don't wait for something to entertain them, they create their fun by beginning to be playful in the situation at hand.


I personally found this thought provoking and easy to understand. It reminds me of the well known Al-Anon saying, "The only person I can change is myself." I saw the Blame Game so often with high school students. Individual success, happiness and satisfaction ebbed and flowed with external events. If teens could only be confident and strong within themselves. Internal confidence and strength withstands the slings and arrows of life. We can't protect our children from disappointments and sadness, but perhaps we can better equip them when life happens.


If you want to see this discussion in it's entirety, go to http://www.campaugusta.org/Partnering/Coaching/Success/success.htm