Are You Hovering?

We all love our teens and want only the best for them. We cheer them on at their athletic events, help them with their homework, and give them kudos for all their accomplishments, even the small ones. It is Parenting 101, right? Be there for your kids and celebrate their successes. In doing so, you raise children with great self-esteem and the ability to tackle life's toughest challenges.

Seems simple enough, but there are a lot of us who don't get it quite right. A little imperfection in our parenting skills is a given, but there some parents who really like being in the driver's seat…so much so, that their children may have a hard time actually learning how to drive, on the road of life, that is.

Welcome to the era of helicopter parenting.
Some people argue that you can't love your kids too much, but it is possible to take parental involvement too far. It's easy to do. From the moment our kids step foot into Kindergarten, we're encouraged to help with homework, volunteer, chaperon field trips, provide treats for parties, and attend events all year long to recognize our kids and their accomplishments. With all the focus on achievement, it seems only natural that we would continue in that role for a few years until the kids can take the reins themselves.

Preferably, it is somewhere around middle school when we stop helping out with artwork on our children's science projects and going over all of their homework with a fine-toothed comb to check for neatness and accuracy. If high school rolls around and you're still doing those sorts of things, you may want to take a look at why. It's fine to track your child's progress, but there comes a time when they must learn to stand on their own two feet.

Not sure if you're crossing Helicopter Parent line? Peterson's College Prep web site offers the following quiz. Are you doing any of the following:

1. Intervene with the teacher or principal every time your child complains about a person, an assignment, or a grade - rather than letting them attempt to resolve the problem themselves first.
2. Complain to your child's teachers every time he or she has a grade that you don't agree with - even if your child earned it.
3. Refuse to let your child go anywhere outside of school unsupervised by you - even when they're in high school.
4. Provide your child a cell phone and call several times a day to see where they are or "just to see what they're doing."
5. Correct, complete, or rewrite your child's homework assignments to ensure that they are done correctly and neatly.

These are just a few examples, and most of us might be guilty. The key difference between "normal" and "helicopter" is being over-involved in every aspect of your child's life, particularly when it comes to school. If you find yourself constantly intervening to avoid any negative outcomes or impact to your child, then that's a problem.

With all the focus on achievement and the importance of getting into a good school, some parents rationalize their behavior as a necessary means of protecting their "investment'. For some parents, the college-planning years are prime time for becoming enmeshed with their children's affairs. They may find themselves writing their child's college application essays in an effort to ensure admission to a good school. And for some, it may not end there. Some admit to editing their child's college papers and tracking along with class assignments by keeping their own copies of their child's syllabi. A recent article by ABC News even profiled some parents who phone their children every morning to wake them up for class, balance their checkbooks, or drive two hours every week to clean their child's dorm room! (There's a special term for parents like that....Black Hawks!) It's one thing to help them with their laundry when they come home to visit, but when they're back on campus, they need to take responsibility for their own lives.

Helicopter parents are not necessarily bad parents, and they do not need to turn their backs on their children altogether. What they do need to do is allow their children to make decisions for themselves, to make mistakes, and to learn from the choices they make. Trust me when I say this: if you do your parenting job well, your kids will seek your help when they need it...and they likely will need it, even when they're 21 (or older).

Whatever your behavior is when it comes to involvement in your child's life, the key to making it successful is a willingness to monitor your own behavior, not just that of your child. We sometimes get so caught up in raising "perfect" children, we forget that we are not perfect ourselves. We shouldn't expect our kids to be. Let them make mistakes that they can learn and grow from. In the grand scheme of things, a few poor grades here or there probably are not going to make or break them. If your children don't get into Harvard or Yale, chances are they will still be just fine. Their character and success will be better defined through your parenting, their life experiences, and how they're taught to deal with challenges, not by the reputation of the school they attend.