Last week I discussed my realization that modern life is hard on teens and their families. We are so used to being told our life is blessed compared to the Third World that we ignore our own danger signs, such as Britni Spear's current bizarre behavior, a sign that something has definitely gone wrong there. Since then I have given a great deal of thought to this problem and have come to some conclusions about supporting our teenagers. It's only a beginning and I would be happy to hear other suggestions.
1. People want to be loved unconditionally for who they are. Teens are especially in need of this kind of acceptance as they are developing their identities. We would think we could find this kind of support in the family, but very often this is where many people find the least acceptance. Hypercritical parents can cause the cycle of guilt, anger, fear, shame, even when they love their children unquestionably. Unconditional love is the first kind of support a child needs.
2. Many parents resort to the "life is hard, accept it" philosophy when their teens approach them with a problem. They use the old "when I was your age" stories, rather than helping the teen work through the issue. The past is gone, so unless that story leads to greater insight, it's useless. A better scenario would be, "Oh, that happened to me when I was your age and this is what I did." Your teen may not listen to you or even understand what you're talking about (1983 was a LONG time ago!), but what s/he will hear is that you care enough to try to help. If nothing else, by the time your long, boring story is over, your teen will have calmed down and put everything into perspective!
3. Teens are old enough to navigate through life with little parental control, but they are still not adept at managing a schedule effectively. You can support them by helping them develop healthy
habits for a balanced life. Discuss good nutrition, sleeping habits, organization skills (have you seen how your teen crams his papers down into his backpack until they are unrecognizable wads of accordioned paper?), and money management. Most of life's adult stresses come from the failure to take care of these areas. Teach your children now and you will be instilling them with skills for life.
4. Reassure your teen that, despite how it seems, everything will be alright. We all need the confidence that we can get through this thing called life. Having the confidence that we can make it is half the battle.
5. Remember, life is hard. Give yourself the support you need to look after your growing teens. Take care of yourself, too. They need you.
The Almighty Creator has guided me to click on your topic.I think you were addressing me. see my wife and I have a boy 18 and a girl 16.Thank God Almighty for His blessings on us.
ReplyDeleteJust last tuesday my wife took our daughter to her parents home citing that I get upset with the child for everything and always nitpicking. It is exam time and cannot find any peace in the house to study.She is still at her grandparents.I haven't spoken to her since.
Anyone raising children, and particularly teens, would agree it is sometimes frustrating. Many parents and other caregivers have shared their concerns and issues.
ReplyDeleteThings that seems to come up over and over again.
1. Pick our battles or we end up with a war.
2.As Mel discusses in her latest blog, Love Unconditionally. Conditional Love is counter-productive and damaging. Childen raised dodging bullets will have war wounds the rest of their lives.
3. Set clear and specific rules and boundaries. (Fair and relevant to your child's age and interests.)
4. Come together as parents and be a united front. To do that, each side must agree beforehand on expectations.
5. Think before speaking. Don't sweat the small stuff. If it is difficult to not make a comment, take a deep breath and think about where the criticism is coming from and if it really is important. Take a walk, work in the garage, run an errand....
6. Sometimes parents need to look at their own issues and determine if their past baggage is effecting their own family and home life.
7. Get help before your family really starts to short circuit. Support groups or family counseling are great sources.
8. Make time for fun and family fellowship. Bonding positively imprints values, goals and expectations better than any negative influence.
Thanks for sharing. Your first paragraph is an affirmation of how important your children are to you.
Don't lose them over things that can be changed and amended!
Chrissie
Angerism, I hope you can find it in your heart to revise your approach. I, too, think you love both your children. We nit pick in hopes of revising someone else's behavior and not out of malevolent reasons. We often do it because we want our offspring to escape the pitfalls we faced. As Chrissie has said, it doesn't help, but only serves to drive a wedge in between you and your child and undermine the teen's self esteem.
ReplyDeleteIf it really is your daughter you are worried about, please take into consideration that a young woman's sense of self is very dependent on her father's reflected image of her. If you nitpick as much as your wife claims, you could eventually unwittingly contribute to your daughgter developing feelings of unworthiness.
You don't want that to happen to your daughter, one of God's blessings to you! Make amends and keep your home a place where your daughter wants to be.
Melony
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ReplyDeleteI thank you.
ReplyDeleteMay The Almighty continue to assist you in imparting your knowledge.
.have ablessed day
Angerism, thank you for your comments and your candor. Many people have said that they wish others would make more comments and open up a dialogue for parents. I really appreciate your comments - hope you have a good day, too!
ReplyDeleteMelony
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