"What Do You Think I Said?"

Doesn't it seem like tweens and teens don't hear what we are trying to say to them? They get defensive and confrontational over what seem to be innocuous and harmless comments. Well, there may really be an explanation for this mis-communication. Cynthia Dermody, in a recent Reader's Digest article, explains; "Young brains are still developing through the teen years, and kids can't be expected to process words, context and nuance (sarcasm for instance) the same way that an adult's brain does. Common words and phrases, no matter how well-intended, can do emotional and psychological harm." Yikes! Something else for a parent to beat themselves up about.

Dermody continues; "If you want children to grow up into the best possible version of themselves, it's crucial to replace damaging words in your vocabulary with alternatives that help build character." Damaging? Crucial? Building character? What follows are five examples of common mistakes and the alternatives to help get the message across in a better way.

1. What we say "You're the best!"
What they hear "Your job in life is to make me happy."
A better way to say it. "You should be proud of how hard you worked."

Ok. For years we have been told that boosting a child's self esteem is important to his/her success in life. But child experts are learning that too much praise can backfire.
Praise-aholic children may become teens who seek the same kind of approval from their friends when offered a joint or asked if they want to get in the backseat of a car. The implication of saying "You're the prettiest" or talking about a goal scored but not the overall effort is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the best and achieves the most. Over praising also carries over into the classroom. A recent study at Columbia found that out of 400 5th graders, the "Trying Hard" group scored better and were more willing to take on difficult and challenging assignments that the "Best and Smartest" group. Praising attributes or abilities make a false promise. It devalues effort. Children are afraid to take on new challenges. And later, real life never duplicates the fawning praise received early on.

2. What you say "Watch your language."
What they hear "I've tuned out what you are trying to say."
A better way to say it "I'm so glad you came to talk to me but I have one request for the future. I find that word offensive so please don't use it."

A good example is, "That sucks." Child psychologist, Vicki Panaccione advises a more lenient approach to contemporary jargon. This is the way modern kids talk; they are not trying to be disrespectful. They are trying to tell us something. When parents shift the focus to the words themselves, the point of the talk may be lost forever and the teen shuts down. This is the last thing we want. She advises the time for talking about offensive language is at the end of the real discussion.

3. What you say "We can't afford that."
What they hear "Money is the answer to everything."
A better way to say it " The store is filled with great things today, but we've got lots at home already and we're not going to bring home anything more."

Does your child really need one more video game or purse? Of course not. But by repeatedly saying money is the only reason he or she can't have something, the parent may be sending the message that money is the source of all good things in life. Couple that with our consumer society and our kids will never get the meaning of excess or gratitude. A better solution? Sit down and work out together how the purchase can happen-improved grades, extra chores, saving allowance....The process of talking it through and understanding a responsible monetary transaction matters more than how much each contributes.

4. What you say "Don't worry. It will be okay."
What they hear "You're such a drama queen."
A better way to say it "I totally understand what you must have gone through. Tell me
about it."
When a child comes home upset and distraught, it seem natural to downplay his disappointment and offer consolation. As an adult, we know the setback is minor. Pancionne says, "Kids need to know, however, how to express feelings, work through them and move on, as opposed to just making them go away without expression. If children feel that they shouldn't have feelings, they might lock them inside and fail to adopt healthy coping strategies."
On the other hand, kids shouldn't wallow in bad feelings. A question like, "Why do you think this happened?" or "What can you do to make it better?" may give them the nudge to deal with the situation on their own.
Believe it or not, studies find a parent gives more comfort by listening than talking. But, we always have so much to say!!!!

5. What we say "Why did you miss your curfew, leave dirty dishes, fail the test, etc?"
What they hear "You messed up again."
A better way to say it " My guess is you missed your curfew because you were having fun and didn't want to come home, but that's still not okay. "

Child psychologists say parents ask too many questions. (Isn't that our job?) Professionals maintain we need to just tell our kids when they mess up. No more "all around the mulberry bush"- deal with the issue straight on. Doing so instills a sense of guilt which lays the foundation for a sturdy conscience. Children take comfort in the fact that their parents see all and know all. Better to say you are aware of that they did, or at least make a guess of it, and then explain why it was a bad idea. If you're wrong, you'll be corrected quickly. And that can be the starting point for a productive dialogue. One note- once the issue and it's consequence is discussed, let it go. No bringing it up over and over. Proceed with life as you both knew it before the infraction!

What we say to our children may seem harmless and constructive. The five examples above give us something to think about before we open our mouths again. While questioning if we are nurturing them with our words, I know kids can be nurtured with the following recipe. Sometimes after a misunderstanding, nothing says lovin like something from the oven!!!

Sandi Rosson's Decadent & Delicious Sopaipilla Cheesecake
2 cans crescent rolls
2 (8 oz) cream cheese softened
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
1 stick butter, cut into little pieces
3/4 to 1 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
Grease a 9 x13 baking dish. Unroll and line 1 pkg crescent rolls in pan. Cream sugar, cream cheese, vanilla and almond. Spread on top of crescent crust. Top with second can of rolls. Dot with butter and sprinkle cinnamon and second sugar mixture. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until golden brown.
Serve warm. Totally decadent and delicious. You will all be so busy eating, no one will have to say anything!!! Note: To redeem the dessert a little, you could serve with fresh fruit such as sliced strawberries or blueberries.

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