Through a Child's Eyes

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I read a great observation by a Mom. This parent was going through all the angst of a newly developing teen-aged child. It was kind of her ah-hah moment. Her 15 year old daughter was being dropped off as a guest at a friend's athletic club. Mom walked her child to the front desk where her daughter signed in. The young girl was asked to fill out a card with contact information. At the bottom of the form there were two boxes, labeled "child" and "adult", and she was expected to check off one of them. She looked at her Mother and asked "What am I?"

That's a great question from the mind of a 15-year old! They surely don't feel like children, but few grown-ups would call them "adult." They truly are neither. They are caught in-between the two places. Teens are swimming across an unknown river, trying to get from one side to the other.

Mary Pipher in her classic Reviving Ophelia states this well. She says "Adolescents are travelers, far from home with no native land, neither children, nor adults.....They don't really fit in anywhere. There's a yearning for place, a search for solid ground."

We adults can gain so very much by trying to put ourselves in the shoes of our teenager. That old adage, "walk a mile in someone else's moccasins" certainly helps to put this parent/teen thing in perspective. When you look at your teen's world from inside of their shoes, what do you see? Do you see parents who understand fears, vulnerabilities and sensitivities? Do you see close friends with whom feelings can be shared ? Is support and unconditional love felt in the home and is it expressed often? How about pressure....From your teenager's point of view, is home a safe haven away from pressure, or is it yet another source of stress?

A good exercise might be to briefly put away those life experiences we have all gained from just living longer. Really think back to your own teen years. Hmm. What comes flashing back to you? To me? Well....Insecurity. Longing for acceptance. Wishing my Mom would be cooler and wear a beehive. Long term goals?! Shoot. I never thought ahead past the next few days. Wondering why my Dad got so upset about my tardies in Senorita Wright's class. I had to stay by my locker until Lynn Hoffman passed and slugged me in my shoulder as he walked by. Not understanding my Nanie's expression as I got in her car to go shopping, with orange juice can rollers in my hair. Sobbing on the phone for hours after one seemingly traumatic event or another. Hearing one parent or the other scream up the stairs, "turn that record player down!" Not winning Y-Teen president and feeling betrayed by my friends. Sleeping until 12:00 or 1:00. Fighting with my brothers. Sneaking a ride on a Honda with Tim Flick and hiding the exhaust burn for as long as I could. OK. You get the idea.

Go on. Take a walk down Teen Memory Lane. It's not only fun, it's revealing. Is your daughter exhibiting bizarre behavior? Is your son sighing and shaking his head as he looks at you? Emotional? Unreasonable? Not following rules? Pursuing interests you don't understand? Withdrawn? Anti-social?............... Now look at your own list.

So stand in your child's shoes and look out. As the parent are you understanding where they are and how they are feeling? Is your home a refuge and a source of strength? Are you modeling positive and constructive life skills and choices? Do your children feel loved, no matter how goofy they are? Ask yourself these questions and be honest. Then ask your teen and compare the answers. Do this periodically; check-ins like this will help keep you right on track and let your teen know that home is where find there is solid ground that can be counted on.

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