In the last column I discussed a little book called How To Traumatize Your Children. It is a sarcastic How To that guarantees any unfortunate recipient of it's advice a straight trip to years of psycho-analysis. Honestly, the un-named author's perspective helps to illustrate possible mistakes we are unwittingly making as parents. The here to anonymous author gives his take on The Seven Parenting Styles. We will cover control today and continue with "instruction" next week.
#1. Exerting Control: Your Child, Your Property
As a controlling parent, you of course know what's right. You know what your child should fear and what he/she should believe. You have the final say on what your child should wear every day, shat friends he should have and how much food she should put in her mouth. Because there is no room in your universe for your child's ideas or opinions, you save money on art supplies or violin lessons. While it takes a bit of work to become a controlling parent, the results for your child are impressive-obedience, rigidity, psychosomatic stomachaches, lack of resourcefulness, a lifetime of discontent-that many parents believe it is worth the effort.
The controller is a special type of parent, best suited to individuals with leadership skills and a strong perfectionist drive, generally under girded by a stimulating combination of failed dreams and entrenched self-loathing. At estimated 60 per cent of parents were themselves controlled by their parents, giving a leg up to those who enjoyed this type of upbringing but far from ruling out those who did not.
The advantages to controlling your child are plentiful. When children are young, they tend not to talk back, and you can quickly squash any backtalk with punishment, criticism and withholding of love and affection. You'll save your self the inconvenience of having to deal with gray areas and your child's indecision. This early stage obedience makes your job easier when in the teen years your child may try to rebel. Already laying the groundwork with strong consequences, you can send him away to "wilderness camp" or a "working ranch."
The basic rule of thumb for this style is, If it irritates you or you have an opinion on it, take control.
You Are The Boss
Your child is a generation younger than you. This of course means that, you know better! You have spent a lifetime developing dogma and wisdom and by golly, your children will benefit from it. As a parent, your job is to micromanage every move, and their goal in life should be to please you and follow your orders.
You did not have children to submit to their feeble whims and wishes. Instead your offspring are lumps of clay to be molded in your image, They should consider themselves lucky to have you because you know everything.
Your children do not need to waste your time, learning to make decisions on their own or exploring their internal thought processes. Ultimately they will have friends, teachers, professors, bosses and spouses to make decisions for them, so it doesn't serve their best interests for you to teach them anything other than blind obedience.
Your Children Are Your Property
Not only did you give your children life, you gave them a rood over their heads and food in their mouths. You pay for toys, orthodontia and the clothing you pick out for them. You pay for the activities and sports you wish them to participate in. Clearly, your children belong to you body and soul, Until they are 18 and no longer accepting money and housing from you, they must accede to your rules. Remind them frequently of this fact with such statements as, "when you pay the bills, you make the rules."
When your children accept your charity, your children relinquish all rights to self-government, privacy and choice. You changed their diapers, why wouldn't you read their diaries?
Remember, Dissent is Verboten
The ready answer to their questions is always, "because I said so." You are an adult, you know best and are never wrong. Children should respect their parents and accept their leadership blindly. Your children are lucky they have you to think for them. If your child voices disagreement, it means she is bad and doesn't love or respect you, in which case you crack down hard and withhold your own love. Whether you call it lip, sass, backtalk or disrespect, it ranks as one of the most punishable offenses.
When your child disagrees with you, tell them they are stupid or ungrateful. Make it clear that you love them when they agree with you. Limits and boundaries are clear-cut and nonnegotiable- there are none for you and many for them. Allow no dissent or the game is over for you.
Criticism is One of the Most Useful Tools For Parents.
Not only does it serve to punish poor behavior as well as reinforce your position as property-owning boss, it undermines the self confidence so that they believe (correctly) that they couldn't survive without you. A child with poor self-esteem is more easily controlled than one who has developed confidence through praise and independent exploration of the world. Criticism should center around intelligence, appearance,judgement and attempts at independent thought.
Everything is Dangerous
Your job as a parent is to protect your child from an infinite array of perils while instilling in her the accurate belief that people are not to be trusted, all dogs foam at the mouth, germs lurk everywhere and life is fatal. Curiosity is bad, all but parent approved friendships should be avoided and exploration and discovery are not allowed. See how easy it is to instill a life long skill of fear? What should be feared? Everything!
So, control on! You'll have the lifelong results of "I said so!"
Next week? I know you are eagerly awaiting, "Stages of Control" and it's results for your very own child. "
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