Go Away. You Bother Me

Through the last several columns we have been looking at the book, How to Traumatize Your Children. It's an upside down, inside out, polar opposite look at being a parent. Though the "advice" is obviously satirical, the issues it addresses are unfortunately absent in many American families today. Trust. Security. Consistency. Self esteem. Through the author's unlikely method, the importance of these parenting skills is emphasized.

Other chapters cover topics like; Whatever they Want-Indulgence Begets Entitlement; We Share Everything-Parent as Best Friend; and It's All About You-Narcissistic Parenting. all intriguing topics that also merit a look and a possible redirection and new focus.

Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Convenience of Neglect is a chapter that especially spoke to me. I have often discussed my concern for high school students that are already on their own and raising themselves. It was a prevalent practice at my high school. A practice that seemed less than successful. I run into many former students that were on their own way too early and have not experienced much success as young adults. Some are still working in the jobs they found at 15, many are raising children in a single parent household, lots are on government assistance and a few have chosen illegal activities. Most do not, shall we say, see the future as bright with possibilities.

So, using the handbook, how can one learn to be a neglectful parent? The author shares that many adults are well-suited for this role. Some choose addiction over their children. Others are depressed and emotional unable to cope with the pressures of parenting. Others out-source the job to others while they pursue careers and personal satisfaction. Some are so self-absorbed that there is just not room in the day for their children. They don't believe parenting should affect their lifestyle.

The book continues, "If you were raised neglected, you may identify personality traits that help you adopt the neglectful technique with your own children." Do you have difficulty with intimacy? Are you uncomfortable with revealing yourself or being dependent on others? Do you feel over-whelmed with the challenges of everyday life, feeling the pressures of parenting bring yet another set of undesirable responsibilities. Do you convince yourselves that quality time is a substitute for quantity of time? Congratulations! You, too, can be neglectful parent.

First, build those invisible walls. Children are naturally affectionate, so in the early stages, it's important to communicate a 'hands-off" message. Hugging and kissing should be kept at a minimum. Soon enough they will absorb the ethos and keeping them at arms length will be effortless. Don't give them attention for every little scratch and and soon they learn to keep their problems to themselves. After all, when you're busy, you're busy.

Remind them often that you pay the rent and buy the groceries. When you miss yet another school event, assuage your guilt by congratulating yourself for bring a good provider. It's not like they don't have anything to do. When they let themselves in after school they have television, video games and computers to keep them occupied.

Your life is stressful. You must put your needs first. Frequent vacations, a frenetic social life, high level hygiene and beauty regimes, shopping and sporting events, "down time" in front of the T.V., hobbies that exclude your family-there is so much that is important to you. Don't reject any opportunities or change your lifestyle in order to be a parent. Honor your needs.

You gave them life-what more do they want? There's work to do and life to be enjoyed. No matter that your children will be characterized by the following inimitable traits- needy and dependent, growing up too fast, experimenting with sex and drugs, low self esteem, attention seeking troublemakers-oh, and often depressed. Other qualities to look forward to? How about anger issues, emotionally absent relationships, aggression, pessimism and drug and alcohol addiction. Emotionally scarred adults? Who cares when the freedom a parent gained while their children were young is priceless!

So, we'll bid a fond farewell to this Alice through the Looking Glass view of raising children. Hopefully you've laughed at the absurdity of it's premise but conversely, identified possible mishaps and misintentions. As Bette Davis so aptly stated, "If you haven't been hated by your children, you've never been a parent." Here's hoping they are hating us for all the right reasons.