Good Listening

Has your teenager ever tuned you out? You might also ask does Colonel Sanders sell chicken? It's the same scenario that plays out in millions of households every day...your teen's eyes glaze over and don't move from the computer or television screen even as you lecture about taking the dog out, or finishing homework or picking up his room. You sound like a broken record and your message is not getting through. We parents engage in one-way communication - too often. We have two ears and one mouth, so maybe that means listening twice as often as we speak with our teens.

One thing that may result in a communication breakdown is that parents and teens simply don't have enough time together. Rather than squeezing in more talk, perhaps try to expand time together; aim for connection so that two-way communication can unfold naturally. Then, remember to talk less and listen more.

Sometimes parents' bad habits inadvertently shut-down communication. Moralizing and advising are big turn-offs to teens, and parents are really good at that. By the teen years, (cross our fingers) morals have already been instilled. Rather than repeating them over and over again, ask open ended questions and listen to your teen's thoughts and viewpoints. Maybe ask "Why do you think she did that?" "How did that feel to you?" Make sure she knows that you are not going to judge her, so that she'll feel safe to share her thoughts.

There are times we need to get a point across and our teen isn't making it easy . Use humor or surprise him by behaving in a new way; sometimes one word is all that's needed to get a point across. If he drops his backpack in the middle of the kitchen floor for the umpteenth time you can simply say "Backpack!" and the point is made without adding negative energy or making him feel scolded. I might step over it and do a Jerry Lewis pratfall with a, "Oh, I didn't expect a backpack to be in the center of the floor!"

In order to talk less and listen more, we can focus on creating the opportunities for our teen to talk and share. The tough part to remember is to bite our tongue. Shhhh. Just going for that 2 to 1 ratio should make the communication dynamics between us and our offspring change, for the better. Happy Listening. Chrissie