Movin' On Up

Life never stays the same. That's a good thing. Evolving, growing, maturing-choices, changes, challenges. Sometimes we're pulled kicking and screaming, sometimes we joyously jump head first. And of course there are those times we would rather hide under the bed than accept what is coming, what is inevitable.

Isn't there a bumper sticker that says something like, Life Happens.

Those of us who have been a while know that. It's all in our own acceptance and attitude that make what life deals us, our life as we know it.

Life as I know it is definitely changing as we speak. After 29 years, my husband and I agreed that mid-life would find us in the family home we built and raised our family in. Down-sizing was not an option with 4 children and hopefully many grandchildren some day. We agreed the home they grew up in was the home we wanted them to return to with their own families. The tree houses, the tadpoles, the 4-wheeler trails, the horse pasture (oh no, please no), the playhouse and the rope swings will all be here for the next generation of Wagners.

But...if we were staying, there was a little updating to do. A wall out here and there, a downstairs bedroom for aging knees, a better flow, a better plan.

Little updating. Is there such a thing? They are down to the studs. There is nothing left of my downstairs. It is piled in a dumpster, forsaken and discarded. I can't look as I walk by.

I love my house. I take offense at my children's comments about my counter tops. I take umbrage with my oven, baker of hundreds of birthday cakes, piled in a trash bin. My heart breaks to see the dismantled light fixture I saved grocery money to buy so many years ago. Simpich angels were hung from it's lovely brass arms every Christmas. A Cloud Baby added every time a new Wagner came. It was time but I can't help but be sentimental about the loss of what is familiar and comfortable.

My oldest son bought his first house last weekend. His sister is moving into his rental house. My youngest is moving out of his fraternity house and into a typical Norman rental-worn down but close to campus, and we are remodeling here. All will be moving on in May. It will be a little chaotic, but we'll manage because as I keep reminding myself, this is all good. This is all positive. And this is all family. - chrissie

Good Job

Remember when your children were small? Those first faltering steps. "Good job", you exclaimed. Reciting the ABC's. A,B,D,G.......... "You're so smart!". A hearty attempt at kicking a soccer ball. "Good try!" Imagine the reverse. "Little Miss Clumsy aren't you? It's A,B,C,D Einstein." "If you would just practice and apply yourself...."

We would never talk to our young children like that. What happens when we talk to our teenagers? "Why do you hang out with those kids?" "Are you going to wear that?" "Why can't you make better grades. You'll never get into a good college." "Do you know how many calories that has in it?

Whew. Talk about negative. We learn in business to always add something positive, even if the job review is a poor one. Our Mothers' taught that if we didn't have something nice to say, to say nothing. Experience reminds us how words said to us when we were young continue to hurt when we are old. So why do we accentuate the negative with our own teens? Why are we so quick to focus on what they did wrong?

Are we as parents guilty of "stereotyping" our own children? Is the absence of "bad" things our definition of a "good" kid? "He doesn't do drugs. She doesn't drive dangerously. They don't do crazy things. To complete the sentence....like teens do. See the stereotype?

Try turning it around. Buster is into a healthy lifestyle. Gwendolyn is an extremely conscientious driver. They have great friends and always look before they leap into anything.

When our children were small, we helped them achieve goals. We thought of our children as full of potential, capable of growing in positive ways with our loving guidance. And guess what? Now as teens, they still are. chrissie

Reciprocating Love

The power of advice from Coach Lou (Chrissie's column yesterday) is illustrated daily in small ways all across America. An example can be found on a YouTube making headlines this week.

We often hear about the dumb things teens post to YouTube, but this week Ben Gullet of Brandan, Florida, fourteen, posted a video to try to help his dad get a job. We advocate and advocate for our children, but they rarely get a chance to do the same for us (at least not until they are old and we are even older). Here is one young teen's magnanimous example of being an advocate for his dad in a perceived time of need:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCeX--Tz1cc

Let's hope our kids would do the same for us!

Word from the Wise

Another school year is winding down. Pre-schoolers will be moving on to elementary school, 6th graders move to middle-school, 8th graders go to high school and seniors move on to college or into the work force. For parents, years have flown. One day we're standing around the corner as our unwilling 6 year old is spirited away by his teacher and the next, we're watching a confident 18 year old fill out college applications.

We all hope we have given our children the tools they need to lead happy, fulfilled, successful lives. If only there was a formula to use as they grow. A mantra to model for our children. A key to an abundant life.

I don't think anyone has all the answers but there is someone who seems to have a pretty good handle on them. Lou Holtz, coach extraordinaire, sports commentator, and motivational speaker- can sum up what's important in 100 words or less.

"Dr. Lou" Make sure you always have four things in your life : something to do, someone to love, something to hope for and something to believe in.

On Progress Progress requires this. You can't steal second base and keep one foot on first. For every person who says you can do something, there will be 99 who say you can't. Don't be discouraged by the 99. Be encouraged by the person who believes in you.

On Confidence Believe in yourself. You can't satisfy everyone . Just make sure you please yourself.

On Attitude There are two different types of people: those who lift you up and those who pull you down. Life people up, don't tear them down.

On Success Oliver Wendell Holmes said, "What lies behind you and what lies ahead of you is of very little importance when you compare it with what lies within you." If determination lies within you, you'll be able to find a solution to all your problems.

On Influencing Those We Love 10 percent of you won't remember 10 percent of what is said 10 minutes after it's said. But I hope it will cause you to think. I hope all of you have the desire to dream, the courage to win, the faith to believe and the will to succeed.

Now, could anything so wise be said so simply? Thanks Coach. Chrissie

"13 is the New 18"

Erma Bombeck was one of my favorite authors. Her humorous take on Motherhood was a reassuring voice when my own experiences with 4 children seemed daunting and I felt totally inept. Her observations helped an often overwhelmed young Mother realize, "Oh, it's just not me!"

I am always on the lookout for new voices in the Motherhood and Family department. New voices that offer insight and advice but in an entertaining way. That spoonful of sugar makes that insight and advice so much easier to swallow. Here's a good example.

"I wonder sometimes if there's something to the old superstition about the number thirteen. Maybe that superstition was originally created by the mothers of some tribe who noticed that in their children's thirteenth year, they suddenly became possessed by evil spirits."

Beth Harpaz is the talented author of (deep breath)- 13 Is the New 18, and Other things My Children Taught Me While I Was Having A Nervous Breakdown. Long title, really funny book. I contacted Ms. Harpaz and kindly gave me permission to share an excerpt.

ADOLESCENT BEAUTY

I try not to be outraged by what I perceive to be the unfair disappearance of the ugly-duckling stage of adolescence. (Unfair because I had to suffer through it, so why shouldn’t everyone?) It used to be that most kids were downright funny-looking until they were about sixteen. They had braces and pimples and little-kid haircuts, and they were so embarrassed by their height and their bumps and everything else that they slouched in an effort to hide.

But all of that is no more. Now orthodonture starts with nine-year-olds, before the teeth that need correcting have even finished growing in. I suppose there are sound dental theories behind this, but one of the results is that the "metal mouth" stage is already well behind them by the time they hit thirteen.

And maybe I'm imagining this, but it seems to me like most teenagers don't even have pimples any more. Do they all have personal dermatologists? Are they all getting facials? Or do they just know more about buying acne cream and cleansers than we did?

Not only that, but kids now all seem to have Perfect Posture. When I was a teenager, our mothers and aunts and grandmas were always yelling at us to stand up straight. But when was the last time you heard someone tell a kid to stand up straight? We slouched and dressed in lumps and layers and sacks of clothes because we didn't want anyone to see how awful we looked. As far as I can tell, teenagers these days have nothing to hide. Instead they are all about "LOOK AT ME!" They want the world to admire them.

And why shouldn't they? They look like movie stars, with fabulous smiles, fabulous clothes and fabulous hair. Sometimes when I see a group of adolescent girls hanging out somewhere I almost can't stand it. How did they get so perfect-looking?

Ms Harpaz shared her website. http://www.13isthenew18.com On the site are several excerpts from her delightful book, 13 is the New 18. It may of course be ordered from Amazon or found at your favorite bookstore. Enjoy. Chrissie

Mom, Dad! Have You Been Reading My....Phone?

Remember when you used to keep your diary under lock and key for fear that dear old mom and dad might read it and find out you did something stupid like....pierce your ears at a slumber party?

Some kids do still keep diaries, but it's more likely that, rather than going through your child's dresser trying to find it, you should possibly read something else - the text messages on his/her cell phone.

Have you ever been tempted to pry it out of your teen's hand in the middle of the night to see who has called or check out the texts? Maybe you have to fish it out from under the pillow carefully while he/she is asleep?

No? Well, it's possible you should. You have heard about the court cases in which girls have sent nude photos of themselves over their phones? Texts offering "services" I can't mention sent from girls to boys and vice versa?

Are all kids doing it? Of course not. But, if you notice your child keeps his/her phone keypad locked (and it's not because the face of the phone is exposed and can accidentally dial itself), that's your warning signal. It's like a locked diary, only worse. A diary was a one-way conversation between a teen and his/her own thoughts. A phone is a two-way discussion and you don't know who your child might be conversing with.

Even the best kids probably have a text or two they wouldn't want you to read. Something stupid and harmless, like "what are the answers to the AP Calculus test today?" You don't have to be duplicitous - be open and just ask to see the phone. You don't want to violate your child's trust necessarily, but you probably do want to know if your child might potentially be in trouble. Go ahead, read the phone.

Please remind your child not to use his/her cell phone during school and not to answer any texts from unrecognizable numbers. Be safe.

----------Melony

Who Are You?

The "Teen" years. How do you remember yours? Do you grimace and cringe a little bit or do you smile and see high school in a rosy glow? Whether our teens were spent in penny loafers, granny dresses, prairie skirts, Nik Nik shirts or acid washed jeans, our personal experiences probably reflect on how we handle our own child's adolescence.

The way we react to when and how our child's adolescence begins will largely be a function of our own adolescent experience. Parents whose middle name was "Trouble" will tend to feel distrustful of what their child is up to. Parents who still have their Homecoming Crown or Football Jersey tend to look forward to their kids' adolescence. Those of us whose teen years were riddled with angst and social mockery will dread their child's own experience and anticipate every imagined angst and issue.

News Flash. We cannot predict what kind of adolescence our child will have, and we cannot predict how events in our child's life will play themselves out. We can watch closely, and with interest, but we shouldn't impose our experiences and our expectations on our teen.

Are Teens a Different Species?

You've dreaded the moment for years, still you're surprised by it the day it happens. You look over at your child, and you need to look up to see if his face is dirty. It is, so you wipe the dirt with your hand, and you realize it's not dirt, it's hair. Precious has a beard. Or, out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of a beauty walking down the street and as you turn to stare you realize with horror that it's your 13-year-old daughter, and "What is she wearing!" Your 11-year-old isn't rolling in dirt anymore, she's spending hours in the shower. Your 12-year-old no longer laughs at your jokes. Adolescence has struck.

New Tactics Needed

He may be taller than you, he may drive and he may prefer anywhere but where you are. But.... he's still a child, still your child, and he still needs guidance, just not in the same way. Here are some things to keep in mind about the strange creature that has taken over your child's body and is living in your house:

Contrary to popular belief, your adolescent doesn't want a fight any more than you do. Look for the positive intent!

Many communication problems happen because parents and adolescent children have different world views and interpret events in very different ways.

His world view is influenced by the natural hormones surging through his body. Between two people coming from such different perspectives, communication becomes even more important.

Your cover has been blown. Your adolescent becomes painfully aware that you are only human, and he may feel betrayed. Mom or Dad are no longer invincible, no longer perfect.

Your adolescent child is fragile and new, but he doesn't need to be protected against the world completely. Actually, he needs his limits reset wider.

From the time they were toddlers, we have been our children's trampoline. We have been something for our son or daughter to propel from, something safe and bouncy to land on. When our adolescent leaps and pushes off from us, he's not deliberately hurting our feelings. She is pushing toward adulthood, leaping toward the sky. And isn't that just where we want them to be be?

Games We Play

Family game night is a great way to continue to bond with your children as they get older. If started young enough, the tradition will be part of your family heritage and will help you through some of the rough spots with teenagers and keep lines of communication open. At that point, your problem might be finding time in eveyone's busy schedule, but even once a month meetings can help continue this valuable activity through the teen years.

Some new games I noticed recently are:

Apples to Apples - now almost everyone has heard of this game. It was a huge hit at our holiday gathering with multigenerational players. Decks of cards contain lists and categories. Particpants take turns as the reader, and the goal of the game is to pick the answer the reader will think is the best. If the reader picks your answer, you win his card, and so on until the winner is the person with x-number of cards.

I donated my game to the leadership class at Muskogee High School. As I was walking down the hall to deliver it, kids said "Hey, I love that game," "Oooo, where are you going with that," and "Oh, we play that at our house." When I entered the classroom, the kids immediately wanted to play. It's definitely a keeper. Available at Wal Mart for 1/10 the price of a Wii.

Topics - I saw TopicsCards this weekend at Snow Goose in Utica Square. There are sererval versions of it, but it isn't really a game per se. There are boxes of topics cards that you use to start discussions in the car, around the coffee table or dinner table, anywhere you happen to be in the same room with someone and need conversation starters.

I've played my own version of topics with my teens, especially my non-talkative son, now for quite awhile. "If you could visit any place is the world, where would you go," I asked, trying to get more than a one-word answer out of him when he was that great age of 16. "Where would you live if money weren't an obstacle," "What's your favorite car," "Which birthday was your favorite," "Who's the best soccer player ever," I would go on and on trying to get some information out of my son. "Mom, stop asking so many questions," was usually the agitated response.

I wish I had had a box of these cards to not make it look like I was prying. One question in the deck I would ask is "What do you miss most about home when you are away?"

Here's the url for the company:

http://www.tabletopics.com/questions_to_go.html

Nintendo Wii - I think I might have mentioned this before, but if you have to play video games with your children, a Wii is a good idea. Buy the interactive games like boxing, golf, or tennis and you can really get a work out. I really hate the narcissistic dance the winning avatar does, but it's a small price to pay for some fun with your child. That is if you and your significant other let the kids have a turn... I have played hours and hours of video games with my son and being able to move as part of the game is a great idea (without shooting a "gun" or something else violent). As a real downer, ADD has been associated with playing too many hours of video games. Just something to consider. I think they said the same thing about watching television back in 1966, but having all the facts is a good thing.

Good luck with your family game night, movie night, eat out night - whatever it is, enjoy each other to the max.