It's For You

Think about it. Our teens are part of the first generation to live from cradle to grave in a primarily digital world. Our children are fundamentally different than us, their parents. In Born Digitally, authors Palfrey and Gasser note:

"These kids are different. They study, work, write and interact with each other in ways that are very different from the ways that you did growing up…They often meet each other online before they meet in person. They probably don't even know what a library card looks like, much less have one...they get their music online --often for free, illegal...they're more likely to send an instant message (IM) than to pick up the telephone to arrange a date later in the afterno...Major aspects of their lives - social interactions, friendships, civic activities -are mediated by digital technologies. And they've never known any other way of life."

Yes. We are shaking our head "Yes!" But these new digital communications methods are not inherently bad….they are just different. And there is a lot in this digital world that we cannot change. But our teenagers are still kids and they need our guidance and teaching. That doesn't change. So Sue Blaney, author of "Please Stop the Rollercoaster" gives us some tools and links to help figure out what this aspect of parental guidance should look like.

Sue offers- "There is some truly helpful insight from a parenting expert, Lynne Reeves Griffin, author of Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment, which should be "must reading" for every parent. Lynne makes everything sound not only logical and reasonable, but also possible."

Parents are teachers Would you hand the keys to the car to your teenager the day she was old enough to drive? Of course not. Not until she received training for this important responsibility. And that's the key... the training. Believe it or not, this relates to kids and phones and other tech devices they are using that are making parents crazy.... How would your teen know how to behave with these items unless she/he has been taught ? And, the chances are good you haven’t taught your teen appropriate behavior around cell phones (and Facebook etc.) because you haven't faced this before. You didn't know this was going to grow into a problem, and like many parents of "digital natives" this became a problem before you knew what you were dealing with. You are forgiven...now let's talk about what to do. Let's ground your behavior in positive, proactive thinking and techniques.

Begin again if necessary If you're caught in a situation where your teens are misusing this privilege, Lynn suggests you start over. Think through the appropriate use of cell phones in your family. Then sit your teens down and tell them you are sorry if you weren't clear on the rules when you gave them the phone. You made a mistake because you didn't foresee what was going to happen, and now you're going to fix that. Then teach them appropriate behavior. Tell them what is acceptable and what isn't. It's perfectly appropriate to have rules around texting and cell phone use but here's what's important....the rules are to help your teen learn proper behavior…not to control him or her. There is a big difference here in the way you characterize your rules. And this new proactive approach means that you will be going out of your way to help your teen be successful in living up to the rules. You will need to predict problems and issues and think things through in advance. You have a critical role to play, and when you are good at this you will see phone problems shrink accordingly.

Manners: What do you want to teach your kids about manners? Manners apply to using a cell phone too. Teach your kids to distinguish between what is polite behavior and what is rude.

Financial parameters: Does your teen help pay for the cell phone? Consider having your teen contribute financially, or at least show your teen the bill and connect that to chores and responsibilities. Your teen may have no idea what it costs to have this privilege. Make this concrete.

Down time/ unplugged time: If your teen is spending more time than you deem healthy in front of computer and phone screens then apply some parameters. Of course parents should provide guidance in this area. And keep in mind that growing up digital does give them a different perspective on activities. Consider your teen's preferences, needs and temperament; brainstorm together about how she/he can best enjoy needed downtime.

Where and when: Most teenagers need guidance in maintaining good homework habits. Consider that you are doing your child a favor by taking the phone away during homework time. We all have to learn to discipline ourselv...even adults have learned the hard way to remember to turn off our cell phones at certain times. Don't assume your teen knows this; teach your teen the difference between appropriate and inappropriate use. Be willing to be the bad guy if necessary. Some teens actually do thank parents for making tough decisions for them.

Appropriate use: Do you teach your teens how to treat other people? Of course you do; you have taught them since they were little not to tolerate bullying. Teach them that these same parameters apply in cell phone use. Do you talk about appropriate sexual behavior? Reference the recent news stories about the growing problem of sending sexually explicit photos over cell phones. Let them know that in numerous cases kids with naughty pictures on their phones are being charged with child pornography…this can have very serious consequences.

Safety: The cell phone is a wonderful tool for safety and staying connected, but think through safe use. If you don’t want your teen texting while driving, then don’t text him when he’s in the car. Discuss how he will handle texts that come in while he is driving. Do you feel that it’s safe for him to talk on the phone while driving? Discuss and teach safe behavior.

Set expectations: If you are using the phone to stay connected with your teen then discuss your expectations. Do you expect your teen to answer it immediately whenever you call? What if she is driving or in a place where she can't answer it? Decide and discuss together how you want her to manage various situations. Try to understand her point of view. By being clear in your expectations and engaging her in problem solving you will demonstrate that this is a tool that deserves her respect too.

Teens can't be relied on to make good judgment calls. It is perfectly natural for your teenagers to want to stay connected to their peers. While this is developmentally appropriate, they need your guidance and help. Many will have a natural tendency to over-use their phones, and left to their own devices some will want to stay connected 24 hours a day. Just as you don't allow them to go to extremes in other areas, teach them what reasonable use and behavior looks like. Teach them balance. Talk about this reasonably; don't make it a power struggle. Consider yourself your teen's teacher and guide, and realize that this is new digital world is changing and developing organically so you are learning as you go.

Note: If you apply rules - particularly if they are new rules - expect your teens to complain. They will and that's part of their job. Your job is to teach them, keep them safe, and guide them. chrissie