Family Time

Do you sometimes feel like you are competing for your child's attention? Are you in competition with their friends, the media, the Internet, technology? Does your teen mumble something ineligible as he heads to his bedroom and closes the door? Is her daily life an unknown to you, her thoughts and feelings a mystery? Do you find yourself frustrated and concerned? Are you shaking your fist at the closed door and mentally thinking, "I want my child back!"

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is a new favorite of mine. My daughter introduced me to Shmuley's radio show and I am impressed by his common sense advise and mission to strengthen American families. On the subject of staying connected with our kids, he makes a great analogy. Parenting teens is like being a counselor at summer camp.

Shmuley explains; As a camp counselor, I kept my cabin out of trouble by keeping them occupied. I had to come up with wholesome activities so that the kids were never listless. The Talmud says that idleness breeds sinfulness; that when you have nothing to do, you do what you ought not to do. (Amen Rabbi!) I quickly discovered that it was only when my campers were bored that they were itching to raid the cabin next door in the middle of the night. But if I told them great nighttime stories, they lost all desire to fill the other campers' hair with toothpaste.

During the day I offered my campers sports and swimming, and at lunch and dinner they didn't just eat, they competed against each other in trivia and history quizzes. Throughout, my goal was to provide a healthy and engaging outlet that could channel the children's limitless energy.

Shmuley uses the same approach in parenting. (He has 8 children) Is the principal role of parenting a parent-as-nurturer, responsible for giving love and confidence; or parent -as- disciplinarian, responsible for instilling values and restraint?

He contends that both roles are subsumed under the rubric of the parent-as-camp-counselor, responsible for curbing a child's excesses through a respect for authority, but offering engaging activities to channel the child toward productive and purposeful goals. Shmuley believes in being a tough disciplinarian, but also recognizes that imposing restrictions without offering fun alternatives to errant behavior is unjust, as well as self-defeating, and is the key reason for child rebellion.

Another interesting insight is that too great an emphasis on friends is ultimately detrimental to a child's connection with siblings and parents. Shmuley states, "I have witnessed far too many examples of children's frenzied attachment to friends leading to a decentralized and dysfunctional family. Likewise, friendships open children to values and behavior that may be inimical to a parent's standards. But I recognize that I cannot curb my children's dependency on friendship without offering them a better alternative myself. I can only restrict them from hanging out with friends if I think that hanging out with me is going to be more exciting."

Now, this is a point of view I have never considered but find intriguing and possibly very valid. We cannot change something our teen is doing without offering something better. A positive and stimulating choice rather than an ultimatum.

The lesson here is for each of us to identify family passions. Identify family interests. Find a new dream shared by you and yours. Offer opportunities and time well spent to our family. Always wanted to rock climb? Sky Dive? Try Community Theatre? Noodle catfish? Paint? Travel? Race dirt bikes? Rodeo? Raise alpacas? Bake cupcakes? Bird Watch? Perform on U-Tube? Pan for gold?

Shmuley continues, "Once upon a time, children were filled with energy. Today, they seem almost lifeless. Go to any home and look closely at the teenage kids. You'll see that what they most want to do is to be left alone and head back to their rooms so that they can watch TV, get online or listen to music."

This observation by Shmuley struck a nerve. Is this the case in your home? I think it is the case in homes all over America.

"Our children are divorced from nature, the source of life, and the artifice is snuffing the life out of them. Almost everything about growing up these days, from video games to iPods to hanging out at the malls, is artificial and unnatural. Kids today have lost an appreciation for the serenity of a clear blue lake and the power of a flowing, whitewater river. They would rather go to a film than a mountain range, and would rather be in a mosh pit at a concert than a boat in an August sea."

Shmuley argues that America's youth need to be redirected and that redirection should be orchestrated by their parents. We need to offer opportunities. We need to offer adventures. We need to offer challenges. It's simple. Our children need activities and interests that help them "be all they can be" oh, and as a parent, "be all - with me!" Shalom. chrissie