No Flash in the Pan

A father reflects upon his first 50 years in a letter to his college age children about how to wisely choose their friends. It started as private, family email. But the children realized the potential of this Life Lessons letter for mentoring people - throughout life - and encouraged their father to share it widely. Read below what Ron Zimmerman, Father of two, has to say about relationships

 Probe deeply, past appearance and even intelligence, to core character that people develop through experience.  Ask these six hard questions of potential lovers, friends, and colleagues - patiently - sometimes allowing months for the true answers to emerge:

1)  Do you have a good relationship with your parents, or if this is not possible, have you made peace with your parents?

We are born into this world dependent on parents and immediate family for everything that we need to survive.  What kids learn from this experience depends on how well their parents lived up to this trust.  Did the parents act maturely, in the best interests of their kids?  Watch out for people who were neglected or abused, even verbally, by their parents.  Unless they are making peace with it as adults, their unresolved anger at being hurt by a protector could turn into rage and explode on you.

Remember the ethics that you learned in the Ten Commandments, "Honor your Father and Mother ...".  It does not say love your parents. Love between people is voluntary.   No parents are perfect and some are abusive.  So it is a good sign when someone rises above all of our imperfections and finds a way to at least honor their parents.  Yet if you observe a person dishonoring someone else, especially one of their own parents, be realistic. Ask why you would have confidence that they might consistently honor or love you.

People who view one or both of their parents as heroes may be prepared to transfer that trust to a deserving third person - perhaps you - especially if you remind them of the parent that they view as a hero.

2)  Are you comfortable in your own skin?

When you look in the mirror do you like the person who stares back?  Any body type can have inner beauty.  Watch out for people who strongly dislike part of their own body. 

People can't be more honest with you than they are with themselves.  When someone says they are working hard, are they being completely honest or are they fooling themself?  The same with diet and exercise. 

Associate with people who bravely deal with bad news.  The famous boxer Joe Louis once said, "He can run, but he can't hide."  People who are honest with themselves insist on hearing bad news and responding to it immediately.

3)  Do you consistently help and avoid hurting people, including yourself and others?
  
Associate with people who make helping others a priority in their lives.  Look deeper than their choice of professions and ask whether they truly enjoy helping others.  Consistently helping includes making the ordinary fun, being generous, and settling disputes.  Avoid hurting yourself includes substance abuse - alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy food.

My Hindu friends say, "Help ever, hurt never."  Ever and never are high standards, with many cases that appear to have both help and hurt.  Examples: hurt a little now, but help much in the long-run; or hurt yourself a bit to greatly help someone else.  Gravitate towards people who find the middle ground. Watch out for people who are unrealistic, doormats, or selfish.

4)  Who are your mentors and mentees?

Successful people commonly volunteer to help others become successful.  The good feeling that comes from mentoring can be more powerful than money.  Especially in your early career, the mentoring of a good boss may be more valuable than your paycheck.

So it is a good sign when someone has attracted mentors and freely gives them credit.  It is also a good sign when someone who is already successful takes the time to raise others up.  Watch out for people who claim to be successful and say they did it all on their own.  Some people are partially ready for this question and can tell you about their mentors, but not their mentees.  They don't get it.  

5)  Who are your friends and colleagues?

It is a good sign if someone loyally maintains friendships over many years.  Look at the people surrounding a potential new friend or colleague.  Would you want to associate with them? 

Watch out for people who rely upon control, rather than up-front, principled, mutual interest.  A loyal friend will keep your interests in mind and suggest win-win compromises, when your interests diverge. 

Listen circumspectly to what people communicate, spoken and unspoken, as if you had a third ear connected to your heart.

• Loyal Friends find a moment when your heart & mind are open to convey hard truths - to help you.
• Flatterers can't wait  to tell you what you want to hear - to help themselves a little.
• Frauds stage a moment to knock you off-balance - to leverage your resources for their great benefit.

Look at how people manage expectations.  Do they know what they want and is it just? Do they say anything to get their way?  Or do they under promise and over deliver?  Do they set reasonable boundaries or are their boundaries fluid? 

When you work on teams, be on guard for conflicts of interest popping up around you, especially these signs: ambiguous responsibilities, withholding of best efforts, partial disclosures, and conflicting loyalties. 

Nurture your friendships, but listen to your inner voice.  Once in a while, if you schedule an event that later seems forced, postpone it with confidence.  People who you would want as friends will understand.  A similar event may be just around the corner - and even more fun.

6)  Do you consistently follow these guidelines?

Watch how people respond after hard-won success or bitter failure.  Some people's worst mistakes occur soon after hard-won success.  Others are quitters, who take themselves out of the game after failures. 

Limit your time in the company of non-optimistic people.  When possible, avoid working for non-optimistic people.  While you may rationalize the money that you earn, you may be exposing your soul to their emotional kryptonite and risk losing what makes you super.

In business, venture capitalists invest to accelerate success, but usually not to make the difference between success and failure.  Similarly, be open to the possibility of growth in people, but be humble about your ability to change them.  Anybody can say that they have changed.  Believe it only after you understand the struggle that caused change and after you see deeds that demonstrate it.

No one succeeds all the time.  100% is an "A" in school.  But in the real world of risk & reward, 80% to 90% is an "A." But if you are under-challenged and miss a chance to learn from mistakes, 100% might be a "B." 

The keys to success are to prioritize according to your passions & values, manage your time & health, learn from mistakes, delegate unambiguously, adapt continuously, forgive quickly (yourself & others), apologize bravely, and fight persistently.  Success in major goals, like earning a degree, running a business, recovering from severe illness, or nurturing love at times requires the visible commitment of your total strength & restraint from pursuing conflicting goals.  

* * *

Thanks for listening and tolerating your old man.  At least a few times in your life, you will fall into trouble.  In fact, I hesitated to write this letter, out of concern that you might be reluctant to seek my help, if you did not follow my advice.  Don't worry. I am still working towards these ideals myself.  Count on my best efforts to help you, just as many people help me.  I am your friend, as well as your father.

Be careful in applying these life lessons not to dismiss people.  An early mentor told me that he silently asks these questions as he meets new people:  Would I trust this person with managing a $1,000 project?  a $10,000 project?  a $100,000 project?  Be open to many role players in your life, but remember your few, true, lifelong friends.

Everyone deserves respect and compassion as a human being. But raise the bar for the bigger projects in your career and the most important relationships of your life.  Don't worry that you will be lonely in your selectivity.  Follow these Life Lessons yourself, while being active in the world, and like-minded people will find you. 

Chrissie