Who Am I?

During adolescence, teens develop their identity, their sense of self. Answering the question, 'Who am I?' is one of the biggest tasks of the adolescent years. The dictionary  defines identity as, 'the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time.'  Note that the definition says a sense of self.   Your teen's identity is entirely dependent on how he/she sees him/her self, not how we or others see him/her.

A strong identity is something parents should strive to help their teens attain. Young adults who have a strong sense of self are resilient, have a healthy self esteem and are growing independent.  How can a parent help their teen to develop a strong sense of identity?  Education.com(P.C. Broderick/P. Blewitt)  offers some good insight.

Psychologically, all adolescents need room to grow and safe places to test their newly emerging selves. Using knowledge of the processes of exploration and commitment as a framework, parents can start the assessment process by considering how their adolescent is going about meeting her needs for autonomy, relatedness, and competence. The ways in which adolescents try to meet each of these needs will look very different at age 14 than they did at age 8. Some teenage behaviors seem strange and annoying, but they might not be dangerous. In other cases when alternatives may be lacking, teenagers might try to meet their fundamental needs in ways that are potentially harmful. Helping adolescents find healthy and developmentally appropriate routes for expressing independence, for feeling part of a social group, and for experiencing satisfaction in accomplishment provides a sound basis for helping.


 The teenage years are a time of active exploration. Striving to make early college decisions or committing to a career path while in high school may be developmentally inappropriate goals for many adolescents who lack the life experience necessary to make personally meaningful choices. Although teenagers who make these decisions may appear mature to observers and may establish themselves as role models for their peers, their behavior may actually reflect a pseudo-maturity that is more akin to premature foreclosure in certain domains, such as vocational identity- ie jobs or careers.
A certain amount of egocentrism appears to go with the adolescent territory. It is often quite a bit easier for parents and other adults to respond authoritatively, with love and limits, to children when they are young. Something in the nature of their open dependence makes adults feel needed, valued, and important. The task often gets harder during the teenage years, at least in cultures and families that value independence and opportunities for personal expression. Being an adult authority figure in your teen's life may entail some hard times, when love and patience are put to the test. Sometimes adolescents’ self-absorption seems impenetrable. In what may mirror adolescents’ own sense of separateness, adults also can feel isolated.

Its so frustrating. Watching teenagers struggle with the problems of adolescence is painful, particularly when they behave egocentrically, when they are emotionally volatile, when they act as if they do not want or need our help, or when they actively rebel against the limits we have set. In some especially difficult situations, teenagers have managed to convince the adults around them that they are their equals and that they are entitled to wield much of the power. Sound familiar?  Some of us are inclined to avoid the grueling job of limit setter and enforcer because they may feel worn down, may have their own personal struggles to contend with, or may simply not know what to do. Sometimes parents take their cues, despite their better judgment, from other teenagers’ more permissive families. Adults who are responsible for adolescents need to be committed to authoritative practices for the long haul. Despite their protestations, the last thing adolescents need is for parents, teachers, or counselors to disengage from them or abdicate their authoritative role. Sometimes, "Because I said so," is the best answer of all  .chrissie