Willful 13-Year-Old
Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW
Q: We are parents of a 13-year-old who
is extremely willful. We've tried appealing to him as an adult because
he says we don't use the same standards with him -- that doesn't work.
We tried punishment in the form of taking away privileges from him. It
works for the short-term, but not long-term. He always says that we
don't listen to him, but we do. I know it sounds typical, but we are
stymied.
A: Of course your situation sounds
typical, you are a POA (Parent of an Adolescent). Just because your
situation has all the components of healthy parent-teen conflict doesn't
mean it's not troublesome, both for you and your son. First, appealing
to him as a responsible adult probably is not going to work; he's
probably, in adult terms, a rather irresponsible teenager. Punishment as
opposed to disciplining with natural consequences is also not going to
work, as you have discovered. Your boy is now being pushed and pulled
between the "comforts" of being the "little kid" he used to be and the
"big kid-adult" he wants to be (but can't quite pull off). Maybe it
would be wise for you and your wife to think back to when you were his
age and try to remember whether you were "willful" at all or whether you
and your parents didn't quite see eye to eye on many matters.
During these teen years where he is attempting to establish an identity independent from you, there will be much contrariness and many disagreements; he will be ruled more by his desire to fit into his peer group than by a desire to live by your rules. We need to still love our youngsters unconditionally during these years; we also need to "walk and talk" the values and principles that are the foundations of our family life. Our teens will be ever vigilant to point out any hypocrisy on our part (you just had alcohol and drove a car!). We can communicate that we respect them and trust them to be honest, considerate, responsible, etc., while letting them know that they, like you, are expected to live by the values that define who your family is.
Teens need to know there are natural consequences to all their actions. They need you to let them experience the natural results of their misbehavior; you need to separate the deed from the doer when giving the appropriate natural consequences. Despite their insistence that they don't need you to set up rules for their lives anymore, it is especially important during these tumultuous adolescent years that you show them the strength of your love and the strength of your values. When all else around them can appear to dramatically change in a moment's notice, you will, for the most part, remain his dependable (and, of course, often aggravating) nurturing parents.
I'm sure you will abide by and love and discipline your son (in the midst of constant changes in mood) as well as anyone can during these temperamental but also wondrous years.
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