Sunday, December 22, 2013
Whew. Almost Here!
It's almost here. We have shopped and polished and mailed. We have delivered and cooked and wrapped. The tree is decorated. The turkey's defrosting. The presents are wrapped and waiting. Christmas is almost here.
This is my favorite time. Everything is ready and I am anticipating the arrival of my family. The house is sparkling. The freezer is full. Expectations and excitement. And of course the reality when they all come roaring through the door. Chaos. Noise. Dirty clothes. Dirty dishes. The sounds of my family as they come home. For Christmas. Finally!
What follows is an essay by Annie Lamott. one of my favorite writers. She shares some interesting insight about the season and the expectations and traditions that surround it. If you are not familiar with her work, Lamott's guide to writing and to life, Bird by Bird or Stitches , a book about hope and healing, are great places to start. Enjoy. Oh and Merry Christmas. Chrissie.
We did it! It's December 22: we are within striking distance of December 26. That means there shalt be parking spaces again. There shalt not be any more bell ringers, or Rudolph, or Almond Roca. No more chocolate covered Peppermint Bark, barking its way past our clenched teeth. No more deeply unhinged people beaming at us with a rictus of holiday mirth, wishing they had a grenade. No more young children shaking wrist bells at us, plotting our overthrow.
Now, by the same token:
It IS the last Sunday of Advent: let there be light, and let it begin with me. Let others see the Light inside me, through my cracks and dents. More Light! Each day will be a tiny bit longer; the Spring is coming. We are so much closer to the Spring the we were in the glory days of September. it's time to plant bulbs. No, no, you didn't blow it--it's never too late. We plant them in the cold and dark, in rocky soil that nicks our fingers, and yet when they bloom, daffodils and paper whites, each one is like a candle with a stamen, not a wick. They remind us that nothing--nothing!--is ever lost. It just may not be its time to appear yet.Bulbs and then...wait...wildflowers.
Once on a cold dark mid-December's day, I happened to be at the Book Depot in Mill Valley with Wendell Berry, who said gently, "It gets darker and darker and darker, and then Jesus is born." I love that so much.
I wish God had consulted me when God thought up December. I would have said, "Dawg! Don't do it." Seriously, it's one of those thoughts that you have at 2:00 with a bunch of other cokeheads, that seems like a good idea at the time--which will be the title of my autobiography. It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time. Really, if God had thought to ask, I would have put the kabosh on December, snakes, and tonsils. Ixnay on the ats-ray, too, Dude.
But at the same time, we've done it--we've come through. It's like coming through labor, where you realize midway that you don't like children but you push on. The holy days are a mixed-grille: holy and hard. Yet when the motley group of relatives and riff-raff that we call "our family" gathers for a meal, here is what we may note, if we remember the priest who said, "Sometimes I think that Heaven is just a new pair of glasses:
We'll see everybody at their best and worst, meaning well, sharing what they can. Trying not to drink so much, trying not to nag so much or provoke; trying to be better than they are. We will see people who used to hate each other passing and receiving the gravy, and that is what grace looks like. We will see stingey people who have spent too much on our children. Along with the horrible sweet potato dish and Almond Roca wrappers, we'll see good will. Good will--Wow.
We'll see relief on the faces of the old, that the family is intact, ish --and that is a miracle. We will see hope in the talented teenagers. We'll see too many people squished in at the table, because we invited people who had nowhere else to be. It will be the loaves and the fish and the terrible sweet potatoes. And wonder of wonders, we'll see forgiveness marbled throughout it all. Hammarskjold said that Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again. Or at least, broken things that work well enough again, against all odds.
I would fall to my knees and say thank you, if I could, without risking seriously body harm. So I am not going to say that prayer today: I am going to BE it. Thank you.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Bah Humbug!
It's official. My house is ready for Christmas. The lights are up on the house. The garland is on the mantel. The wreath is on the door. My house is happy and so am I.
What makes Christmas such an emotional time? People either love the holiday or hate it. It seems to depend on how our expectations were met as children. If the season was a stable and nurturing event in a life, Christmas is welcomed. If Christmas was an excuse for a dysfunctional family to get more so, adult children now become angry and depressed. Unfortunately, that attitude carries over into their own family and affects their own children.
I am not talking about how many presents are under the tree. I mean, harboring a resentment from long ago that directly impacts those loved most of all. Christmas is an opportunity to make those memories and traditions that are so important in our children's lives. Any time a family gathers together is a chance to mold the people our children will become. Carrying our own baggage into the dynamics is selfish and destructive. Make a conscious choice to at least be neutral- it's only fair.
The climate in a house is directly influenced by the care-givers who live there. Positive energy results in positive results. Grumpy and surly-the opposite.
I wish we "grownups" all had wonderful memories of our childhoods. Unfortunately, many of us were not so lucky. The key to me is to take the good and learn from the bad. Carrying it around like an albatross is counterproductive and more importantly, impacts generations of our families. It there is more than you can deal with alone- get professional help. Talk it out. Resolve. Forgive. Move on.
May this Christmas be a continuation of the good or a new start for you and yours. I wish you a joyful time with all those you love. Take a deep breath and put your big boy pants on. You can do this. Oh, and Merry Christmas! Chrissie
What makes Christmas such an emotional time? People either love the holiday or hate it. It seems to depend on how our expectations were met as children. If the season was a stable and nurturing event in a life, Christmas is welcomed. If Christmas was an excuse for a dysfunctional family to get more so, adult children now become angry and depressed. Unfortunately, that attitude carries over into their own family and affects their own children.
I am not talking about how many presents are under the tree. I mean, harboring a resentment from long ago that directly impacts those loved most of all. Christmas is an opportunity to make those memories and traditions that are so important in our children's lives. Any time a family gathers together is a chance to mold the people our children will become. Carrying our own baggage into the dynamics is selfish and destructive. Make a conscious choice to at least be neutral- it's only fair.
The climate in a house is directly influenced by the care-givers who live there. Positive energy results in positive results. Grumpy and surly-the opposite.
I wish we "grownups" all had wonderful memories of our childhoods. Unfortunately, many of us were not so lucky. The key to me is to take the good and learn from the bad. Carrying it around like an albatross is counterproductive and more importantly, impacts generations of our families. It there is more than you can deal with alone- get professional help. Talk it out. Resolve. Forgive. Move on.
May this Christmas be a continuation of the good or a new start for you and yours. I wish you a joyful time with all those you love. Take a deep breath and put your big boy pants on. You can do this. Oh, and Merry Christmas! Chrissie
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
So, Where Do I Start?
Here we are. In the middle of the Christmas season. snowed in and stranded- with our children! If you have a teen or preteen sleeping upstairs, perhaps it's a good time to go back over the helpful tips from those who went to graduate school to help us with our kids. Heidi M Sallee M.D. offers some expert advice on parenting and living with those children we call teens.
You've lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the back-to-school blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so much anxiety?
When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.
Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help kids grow into the distinct individuals they will become.
But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics. These are certainly the most visible signs of puberty and impending adulthood, but kids who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) also can be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.
Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in. Their peers often become much more important, as compared with their parents, in terms of making decisions.
Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become very aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.
But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their parents in the same way they used to.
As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"
You know your kids. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:
Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a child more at ease.
Ask why your teen wants to dress or look a certain way and try to understand how your teen is feeling. You might also want to discuss how others might perceive them if they look different — help your teen understand how he or she might be viewed.
Know your child's friends — and know their friends' parents. Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.
In other words, your teenager's room, texts, e-mails, and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, when they'll be returning, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!
Start with trust. Let your teen know that you trust him or her. But, if the trust gets broken he or she may enjoy fewer freedoms until the trust is rebuilt.
Teens shouldn't have unlimited access to TV or the Internet in private — these should be public activities. Access to technology should also be limited after certain hours (say 10 PM or so) to encourage adequate sleep. It's not unreasonable to have cell phones and computers off limits after a certain time.
Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing child doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.
So remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!
www.kidshealth.org
You've lived through 2 AM feedings, toddler temper tantrums, and the back-to-school blues. So why is the word "teenager" causing you so much anxiety?
When you consider that the teen years are a period of intense growth, not only physically but morally and intellectually, it's understandable that it's a time of confusion and upheaval for many families.
Despite some adults' negative perceptions about teens, they are often energetic, thoughtful, and idealistic, with a deep interest in what's fair and right. So, although it can be a period of conflict between parent and child, the teen years are also a time to help kids grow into the distinct individuals they will become.
Understanding the Teen Years
So when, exactly, does adolescence start? The message to send your kid is: Everybody's different. There are early bloomers, late arrivers, speedy developers, and slow-but-steady growers. In other words, there's a wide range of what's considered normal.But it's important to make a (somewhat artificial) distinction between puberty and adolescence. Most of us think of puberty as the development of adult sexual characteristics. These are certainly the most visible signs of puberty and impending adulthood, but kids who are showing physical changes (between the ages of 8 and 14 or so) also can be going through a bunch of changes that aren't readily seen from the outside. These are the changes of adolescence.
Many kids announce the onset of adolescence with a dramatic change in behavior around their parents. They're starting to separate from Mom and Dad and to become more independent. At the same time, kids this age are increasingly aware of how others, especially their peers, see them and are desperately trying to fit in. Their peers often become much more important, as compared with their parents, in terms of making decisions.
Kids often start "trying on" different looks and identities, and they become very aware of how they differ from their peers, which can result in episodes of distress and conflict with parents.
Butting Heads
One of the common stereotypes of adolescence is the rebellious, wild teen continually at odds with Mom and Dad. Although it may be the case for some kids and this is a time of emotional ups and downs, that stereotype certainly is not representative of most teens.But the primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to occur, teens will start pulling away from their parents — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across as teens always seeming to have different opinions than their parents or not wanting to be around their parents in the same way they used to.
As teens mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.
You may need to look closely at how much room you give your teen to be an individual and ask yourself questions such as: "Am I a controlling parent?," "Do I listen to my child?," and "Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?"
Tips for Parenting During the Teen Years
Looking for a roadmap to find your way through these years? Here are some tips:Educate Yourself
Read books about teenagers. Think back on your own teen years. Remember your struggles with acne or your embarrassment at developing early — or late. Expect some mood changes in your typically sunny child, and be prepared for more conflict as he or she matures as an individual. Parents who know what's coming can cope with it better. And the more you know, the better you can prepare.Talk to Your Child Early Enough
Talking about menstruation or wet dreams after they've already started means you're too late. Answer the early questions kids have about bodies, such as the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from. But don't overload them with information — just answer their questions. If you don’t know the answers, help them find someone who does, like a trusted friend or your pediatrician.You know your kids. You can hear when your child's starting to tell jokes about sex or when attention to personal appearance is increasing. This is a good time to jump in with your own questions such as:
- Are you noticing any changes in your body?
- Are you having any strange feelings?
- Are you sad sometimes and don't know why?
Furthermore, the earlier you open the lines of communication, the better chance you have of keeping them open through the teen years. Give your child books on puberty written for kids going through it. Share memories of your own adolescence. There's nothing like knowing that Mom or Dad went through it, too, to put a child more at ease.
Put Yourself in Your Child's Place
Practice empathy by helping your child understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.Pick Your Battles
If teenagers want to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, think twice before you object. Teens want to shock their parents and it's a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; leave the objections to things that really matter, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol, or permanent changes to their appearance.Ask why your teen wants to dress or look a certain way and try to understand how your teen is feeling. You might also want to discuss how others might perceive them if they look different — help your teen understand how he or she might be viewed.
Set Expectations
Teens will likely act unhappy with expectations their parents place on them. However, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect certain things such as good grades, acceptable behavior, and adherence to the rules of the house. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them. Without reasonable expectations, your teen may feel you don't care about him or her.Inform Your Teen - and Stay Informed Yourself
The teen years often are a time of experimentation, and sometimes that experimentation includes risky behaviors. Don't avoid the subjects of sex, or drug, alcohol, and tobacco use; discussing these things openly with kids before they're exposed to them increases the chance that they'll act responsibly when the time comes. Share your family values with your teen and talk about what you believe is right and wrong.Know your child's friends — and know their friends' parents. Regular communication between parents can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for all teens in a peer group. Parents can help each other keep track of the kids' activities without making the kids feel that they're being watched.
Know the Warning Signs
A certain amount of change may be normal during the teen years, but too drastic or long-lasting a switch in personality or behavior may signal real trouble — the kind that needs professional help. Watch for one or more of these warning signs:- extreme weight gain or loss
- sleep problems
- rapid, drastic changes in personality
- sudden change in friends
- skipping school continually
- falling grades
- talk or even jokes about suicide
- signs of tobacco, alcohol, or drug use
- run-ins with the law
Respect Kids' Privacy
Some parents, understandably, have a very hard time with this one. They may feel that anything their kids do is their business. But to help your teen become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your child's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.In other words, your teenager's room, texts, e-mails, and phone calls should be private. You also shouldn't expect your teen to share all thoughts or activities with you at all times. Of course, for safety reasons, you should always know where teens are going, when they'll be returning, what they're doing, and with whom, but you don't need to know every detail. And you definitely shouldn't expect to be invited along!
Start with trust. Let your teen know that you trust him or her. But, if the trust gets broken he or she may enjoy fewer freedoms until the trust is rebuilt.
Monitor What Kids See and Read
TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — kids have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they may be communicating with online.Teens shouldn't have unlimited access to TV or the Internet in private — these should be public activities. Access to technology should also be limited after certain hours (say 10 PM or so) to encourage adequate sleep. It's not unreasonable to have cell phones and computers off limits after a certain time.
Make Appropriate Rules
Bedtime for a teenager should be age appropriate, just as it was when your child was a baby. Teens still need about 8-9 hours of sleep. Reward your teen for being trustworthy. Does your child keep to a 10 PM curfew on weekends? Move it to 10:30 PM. And does a teen always have to go along on family outings? Encourage a reasonable amount of family time together.Decide what your expectations are, and don't be insulted when your growing child doesn't always want to be with you. Think back: You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.
Will This Ever Be Over?
As kids progress through the teen years, you'll notice a slowing of the highs and lows of adolescence. And, eventually, they'll become independent, responsible, communicative young adults.So remember the motto of many parents with teens: We're going through this together, and we'll come out of it — together!
www.kidshealth.org
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
It's so Simple
How to raise a child to be confident and secure. Isn't that something we all want to be? It takes a few simple steps to encourage your teen to be the person you want them to be.
Create Family Rituals:
Having special little customs gives you and your child an opportunity to connect, no matter what else is going on. Studies show that teens who know where they are going, know who they are.When your child was smaller, cooking a simple meal together, watching a favorite program as a famly, planting a garden, playing a favorite board game -- these are the kinds of rituals that kids love.It doesn't really matter what your ritual is, as long as it's something you and your child both enjoy. It's important that you continue doing it, even when you're frustrated with your teen. This isn't a privilege that you take away as a punishment. It's something sacred that you do, every night or every week or every month, as a way to connect.
Know Your Child's Personality:
The essence of being a great mom or dad is to really know your child's temperament and to tailor your parenting style to take that into account. Every kid is different -- even in the same family. If you understand each child's individual personality, and deal with that child in the way that suits him best, you'll minimize conflict.Be A Good Role Model:
Every night, parents should ask themselves, "If my child had only my behavior to learn from today, what would I have taught him?" Probably the most common mistake moms and dads make is that we say one thing and do another. We give our children lectures on self-control and patience, and then explode when we get caught in traffic. We tell them not to gossip, and then turn around and do just that. We urge them to be honest, then let an 11-year-old order from a menu for kids under 10.That's not to say parents have to be perfect. But when we fall down on the job, we need kids to learn from our mistakes. If you lash out at your child when you're feeling stressed out, for example, you should go back later and say, "I was wrong for yelling at you that way. I should have stayed calmer. I'm sorry." By doing so, you're teaching your child the importance of respect and forgiveness. If you're dealing with a challenging situation, you need to let your child see you're doing your best to cope. When you acknowledge the difficulty ("We're all worried because Daddy has lost his job, but everything will be okay"), you're showing your child that you can manage tough times -- and that will help him learn to do the same.
*Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Don't Give Me That Attitude!
Set Clear Limits:
Children thrive when they grow up in a home that has structure, limits, and rules. But many parents make the mistake of projecting their own feelings about rules onto their kids. As adults, we don't like people telling us what to do, and we think our children will react negatively to rules. But kids need parents who can impose limits -- and not back down from them.
I'm not saying to make rules just to prove you're the boss. It's important to set limits for a good reason and to explain them to your kids in a loving and caring way. But studies show that having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control and self-reliance.
*Laurence Steinberg, Ph.D., author of The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting
Be Your Child's Biggest Booster:
The single most important thing you can do for your children is to let them know you're absolutely crazy about them. Tell them often that they are terrific. Say, "You are the best thing in my life." Research shows that these kinds of messages make kids resilient and help them deal with disappointment, rejection, and the other unpleasant stuff that life routinely hands out. Surprisingly, a lot of children don't know how much their moms and dads appreciate them, and that's because parents aren't getting the message across. Make a conscious effort to be positive -- even when you're setting limits. Instead of criticizing a kid for fighting with a sibling, for example, say something like, "I know that's not your best effort. I'm sure you love your brother a lot more than you're showing him now." That lets your child know you have faith in him, that you believe in him -- and what can beat that?*Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and School of Medicine, and author of Me, Myself, and I: How Children Build Their Sense of Self
Make Family Time a Priority:
In recent years, there has been a lot of emphasis on keeping kids challenged -- and busy. We've become servants to our kids -- driving them here and there, scheduling our lives around their activities.I think it's far more important to make family time your biggest priority than to cater to everybody's individual activities all the time. Eat dinner as a family, even if it means your child won't be able to make a soccer practice. Kids should carve out time for grandparents and other relatives too. Children also need lots of downtime when you can all just relax and be together as a family. Family bonds are an anchor for kids: Their activities will come and go, but family relationships will last a lifetime.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
The Pilgrims had it Right
Do you have a funny Thanksgiving story? One that just has to be
retold every year? The year the dog got the turkey or all the Great
Aunts got tipsy while making the gravy? What about a special tradition
in your family? Be it silly or somber, is it what signifies the holiday
to you and yours? Say, a maiden aunt's crookneck squash turkeys made
with colored toothpicks and construction paper. They sat precariously on
their little toothpick legs, among the floral centerpiece and old
wedding silver. And of course, those certain foods and recipes that your
group's Thanksgiving table will never be without. Aunt Sue's Broccoli
Salad or long gone Visie's yeast rolls. One taste, and she's back in
the kitchen with you, bossing everyone and holding court.
Hands down, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of all. Understand, I love Christmas as much as the next person, but the shopping and decorating and weeks of leading up to, and days of taking down, are not exactly relaxing. It's the holiday that goes on forever. And all those expectations that have to be met. It's nerve-wracking. It's expensive. It's exhausting.
Thanksgiving. Now there's a holiday. You still get the family without the fuss. It's fallish. It's festive. It's fun. Everyone in one place without a game plan. There's time to catch up. Time to reconnect. And best of all, time to remember.
As the preceding generation leaves us, it becomes harder to stay connected. When my Mother and her sister were gone, the cousins all kind of floated, loosey goosey. First our Grandparents, and then our Mothers were no longer in charge. We realized very quickly how much we needed each other. We realized we wanted our children to have what we had been so blessed with. We grew up together with a strong sense of self. We had a knowledge of where we came from and who we were. The greatest gift we could give to our loved ones memory (and the greatest gift to ourselves) was to continue instilling a strong sense of family. Additionally, when we are gone, the younger generation will have each other to support and love them like only family can. They share a history because they have shared their lives.
Cousins move out of their house so you can stay there while your daughter is having heart surgery. Sister-in law's have Valentine parties for your grandchildren and shop better for your family than you do. Brothers sit with your husband while he smokes 25 Thanksgiving turkeys or dog sit their niece's Jack Russell, a dog only family could love. Brothers know why you are who you are, because they were there too. They know all the inside jokes. One key word and you look at each other and burst out laughing. Floyd! HA HA HA. Cousins bring baby presents and cry with you at funerals and have Easter get-togethers because Thanksgiving only comes once a year. Nieces and Nephews grow up with each other and then, these cousins start the marriage and new baby cycle all over again. That's the way it's supposed to work isn't it?
How about it? Put those Christmas lights down! Leave Santa in the attic a day or two more. Let the pumpkins and the mums stay for the weekend. Don't miss this holiday getting ready for the next one. May your Thanksgiving be memorable. May your Thanksgiving be happy. May your Thanksgiving be delicious. And most importantly, may your Thanksgiving be blessed with the gift of family.
Hands down, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of all. Understand, I love Christmas as much as the next person, but the shopping and decorating and weeks of leading up to, and days of taking down, are not exactly relaxing. It's the holiday that goes on forever. And all those expectations that have to be met. It's nerve-wracking. It's expensive. It's exhausting.
Thanksgiving. Now there's a holiday. You still get the family without the fuss. It's fallish. It's festive. It's fun. Everyone in one place without a game plan. There's time to catch up. Time to reconnect. And best of all, time to remember.
As the preceding generation leaves us, it becomes harder to stay connected. When my Mother and her sister were gone, the cousins all kind of floated, loosey goosey. First our Grandparents, and then our Mothers were no longer in charge. We realized very quickly how much we needed each other. We realized we wanted our children to have what we had been so blessed with. We grew up together with a strong sense of self. We had a knowledge of where we came from and who we were. The greatest gift we could give to our loved ones memory (and the greatest gift to ourselves) was to continue instilling a strong sense of family. Additionally, when we are gone, the younger generation will have each other to support and love them like only family can. They share a history because they have shared their lives.
Cousins move out of their house so you can stay there while your daughter is having heart surgery. Sister-in law's have Valentine parties for your grandchildren and shop better for your family than you do. Brothers sit with your husband while he smokes 25 Thanksgiving turkeys or dog sit their niece's Jack Russell, a dog only family could love. Brothers know why you are who you are, because they were there too. They know all the inside jokes. One key word and you look at each other and burst out laughing. Floyd! HA HA HA. Cousins bring baby presents and cry with you at funerals and have Easter get-togethers because Thanksgiving only comes once a year. Nieces and Nephews grow up with each other and then, these cousins start the marriage and new baby cycle all over again. That's the way it's supposed to work isn't it?
How about it? Put those Christmas lights down! Leave Santa in the attic a day or two more. Let the pumpkins and the mums stay for the weekend. Don't miss this holiday getting ready for the next one. May your Thanksgiving be memorable. May your Thanksgiving be happy. May your Thanksgiving be delicious. And most importantly, may your Thanksgiving be blessed with the gift of family.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Enjoy Being a Girl
I take my nine-year-old granddaughter to gymnastics every week. It's a long drive across town, giving us some time to chat and catch up. I look forward to our commute. Tonight, between wanting the lights on her house to look like the Griswalds this Christmas and that a new friend at class believes in ghosts, she threw out a boy in her class told someone that he " liked" her. Keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel, I casually asked her, "what do you think about that?" "Not too much, she answered. My daddy says I have to be driving a car before I can have any boyfriend but him."
Sigh.
Safe for now. But in the blink of an eye, her Father won't have a chance.
Does it seem to you that your pre-teen daughter has gone boy crazy? Here are some things that you may be seeing in your new boy-crazy pre-teen:
* She may call or text a boy she likes ten or more times a day.
* She may dress differently and lose interest in school, sports and other activities.
* She may become distant and private.
There are ways that you can discourage this behavior in your pre-teen as they are neither capable physically nor emotionally with dealing with serious relationships at their young age.
You can discourage early dating and other boy-girl activities. Kids need a time to be with same sex friends to learn social and intimacy skills. Girls who start dating before they are psychologically or socially ready may not know appropriate ways to act in close relationships with the opposite sex and can feel pressured to imitate older teens or show "maturity".
Most importantly you should reinforce your daughter's self-esteem, helping her to discover her intrinsic value as a person and her unique strengths and talents, Too often, girls enter the teens with harmful social conditioning--believing that if they don't have boyfriends, they have nothing.
A pre-teen girl who is confident and sure of herself will not look to anyone else to make her feel good about herself. She knows who she is and where she wants to go. She pursues her own interests and stands up for herself and what she believes in. She has developed close friendships with other young girls who are also confident and open. She doesn't take herself too seriously. She been given the tools by her parents that help her navigate successfully through the teen years and on to college. Our beautiful pre-teen is on the road to a happy life.
Sigh.
Safe for now. But in the blink of an eye, her Father won't have a chance.
Does it seem to you that your pre-teen daughter has gone boy crazy? Here are some things that you may be seeing in your new boy-crazy pre-teen:
* She may call or text a boy she likes ten or more times a day.
* She may dress differently and lose interest in school, sports and other activities.
* She may become distant and private.
There are ways that you can discourage this behavior in your pre-teen as they are neither capable physically nor emotionally with dealing with serious relationships at their young age.
You can discourage early dating and other boy-girl activities. Kids need a time to be with same sex friends to learn social and intimacy skills. Girls who start dating before they are psychologically or socially ready may not know appropriate ways to act in close relationships with the opposite sex and can feel pressured to imitate older teens or show "maturity".
Most importantly you should reinforce your daughter's self-esteem, helping her to discover her intrinsic value as a person and her unique strengths and talents, Too often, girls enter the teens with harmful social conditioning--believing that if they don't have boyfriends, they have nothing.
A pre-teen girl who is confident and sure of herself will not look to anyone else to make her feel good about herself. She knows who she is and where she wants to go. She pursues her own interests and stands up for herself and what she believes in. She has developed close friendships with other young girls who are also confident and open. She doesn't take herself too seriously. She been given the tools by her parents that help her navigate successfully through the teen years and on to college. Our beautiful pre-teen is on the road to a happy life.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Back to the Future
Dear Duchess,
I had a ridiculous moment in the car on the way home from work on Friday. "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe was on the radio.
If you're not familiar with the song (and since you weren't a teenager in the '90s, there's a good chance you're not), it is an overwrought ballady barf of a song about some teenagers who didn't take some advice and then one of them dies, or something, and at some point in a made up future the singer is wailing about how innocent they were, and how it wasn't their fault because they were MERELY FRESHMEN!!!
HEYEEEEEAAAHEEEAAEEEAAAEAAEAAEAOOOOOHHHEEEAAEAAEAHH!!!
Anyway, I love that song. I love it because it takes me back to a very specific point in my life, where I too was innocent and nothing was my fault and things happened that seemed much more important than anyone besides myself thought they were, and I couldn't control them, and that really upset me because we WERE MERELY FRESHMEN!!!
HEEEYYAHEAAEAEAAEAAEAOOHHEEAAEAEAAEAAEAAAH!!!
So there I am, singing along to this wonderfully awful song, and the strangest thing happened. I thought of you and started tearing up a little in the car. Not 2-year-old you, 15-year-old you.
Why? Well, I started crying because I realized at some point during the second chorus that I had completely forgotten how incredibly hard it was to be a teenager.
Dear Duchess,
(I call you Duchess on the blog because in 2013, we have this illusion we call privacy),
You know that thing that is going on that you think is the most important thing to happen in the history of you... or even of the world? You know, the one that has your stomach all balled up and tears leaking out from your eyes every time you tilt your head the wrong way? It's that problem that has everyone telling you that they know how you feel because they've experienced some bastardized form of said problem, and if you just give it some time, everything will feel better and you'll look back on it and laugh. I need you to know something. It is the most important thing in the world, and knowing that someday you may or may not care about it isn't going to make you feel any better. Perspective is only valuable once you have it, and right about now your perspective is telling you screw perspective." I'm on board with that. Because whether something is the end of the world, or it just feels like the end of the world, it still FEELS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD!
Here's the hard part for me: Not only can I not fix that thing that is eating you up inside, I'm probably too old and detached from what you're going through to even understand it. Old me is going to look at you and tell you I love you, and you're going to scream at me that your life is over and that I will never understand, and you're right about at least half of that. I probably won't ever understand you. But I did once. I promise.
When I was a teenager, I parked my car in an alley once and screamed at the top of my lungs while repeatedly slamming my fists into the steering wheel. I sat, balled up, on the floor of my shower one time and cried until the water was ice cold. I wrote poems for girls. I dreamt of being liked and being popular and getting the part in the musical or the position on the football team. I longed for those I couldn't have and lost those I did have. I went through long patches of my life where I felt immensely lonely. And every time, I didn't know if it was the end of the world or if it just felt like it -- and I didn't care. And it was only made worse by the fact that my awesome and loving parents just didn't get it. And now I'm the parent who doesn't get it. So, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that future me doesn't understand. 2013 me does. Maybe in the future, you'll be able to upload a hologram of 2013 me and tell me about how much of a jerk I've become. I'll compliment you on your laser hair and you'll complain about how future me hates that it cost $4,500 dollars. Then I'll go to give you a hug, and you'll go to hug me back and you'll fall on the floor because I'm a hologram. We'll laugh a little and that will make hologram-me happy, or at least appear happy since I most likely won't have emotions because I'm a hologram. Then you'll say good night, turn hologram me off, and switch your iPillow to the classic rock station where, I hope to god, "The Freshman" by The Verve Pipe is playing. Because, while future me may not understand what you're going through, The Verve Pipe always will.
I love you, honey,
Still Kind-of Cool Dad from 2013
P.S. HEYEEEEAAAHEEEAAEEEAAAEAAEAAEAOOOOOHHHEEAAEAAEAAEAAA!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1umEXpGHc0E&feature=player_embedded
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Sugar and Spice?
Eight years ago, when my eight-year-old daughter was sweet as sugar and my then 5-year-old son a holy terror, someone wise said to me "It all changes when they become teenagers." While my now 16-year-old daughter is still as sweet as sugar and my 13-year-old son limits his terrorizing to the soccer field, there are definitely some changes.
Here are 6 things only a mother of a teenage girl understands:
1) It's OK for them to have secrets, even though we are hurt when they keep them from us.
While we miss hearing every detail of their school day and activities, teenage girls like to keep some things to themselves. Actually what they like to do is tell their friends, instead of us. That's an ouch. While we know that moving their confidences from us to their BFFs du jour is just part of the independence process and not a bad thing, we suspect that all moms initially will feel a little hurt. I sure did.
The first time my daughter slammed the top down on her laptop when I came into the room, I assumed she was up to no good. "What are you looking at?" I asked.
"Nothing," came the reply.
"Not nothing," I escalated. Turns out she had been innocently Skyping with some friends about homework. So why slamming shut the laptop before I could see? Because feeling that they have their own lives makes teenage girls happy.
Sometimes, you just need to allow them to draw some boundaries.
2) PMS is real.
Yowsa, is it ever. It's important to know that later that week, there will be apologies offered for every door slam, eye roll and "you wouldn't understand." Little brothers know to steer clear and that this isn't the time to put their stinky feet in their PMS-ing face or ask their Big Sister to play Minecraft with them unless they have a death wish.
It's hormonal. A force larger than them takes occupancy of their bodies and they become the scene in the Exorcist where the little girl's head spins around her neck. It is awful; it is ugly; it is best to stay away.
3) It is better to let their Dads teach them to drive.
In my family, teaching my 16-year-old daughter to drive has several rules. Chief among them is that nobody tells me when she was behind the wheel until it is after the fact.
Teaching a teenage girl to drive is something that Dads start and Moms finish. It isn't that Dads are more patient or smarter or better drivers. It's that they see the driving lesson as an opportunity to listen to the game on the radio without interruption, unless of course, she crashes. This makes them happy and more relaxed -- again, unless of course she crashes. And Moms, well, we are nervous wrecks and nervous wrecks don't make for good driving instructors.
4) The best you can hope for is that they make their own mistakes, not repeat yours.
Lectures, warnings, stories of your failures shared from a deep place in your heart may stop them from doing the things that caused your own mother to go gray. But rest assured, mistakes will be made -- just different ones. It feels to us that the risk bar is so much higher now than when we were growing up and screaming at The Beatles was seen as an act of revolution. And because we are so convinced that today's dangers are so much more, well, dangerous that we want to just shout louder, shake our teenage daughters by the shoulders more. It won't matter. You just need to trust that everything that came before will kick into play and they will make smart choices. And when they don't, that they know you will still love them and will do your best to fix it because that's what moms do.
5) Sex isn't a four-letter word.
Moms spend a lot of time worried about how and when their daughters will become sexually active. The worst advice someone shared with me was this: Put a condom in her purse and hope she remembers to use it. Not that simple. I started talking to my now-teenage daughter about sex when she was five or so -- using age-appropriate language, of course. I explained how a girl's body changes, how she would feel, etc. But in addition to teaching her about the act of sex, I also taught her the difference between sport-sex and intimacy. Sex in a loving relationship feels much different than a one-night stand. So far, so good.
6) Diet is a four-letter word.
I used to tell people that as a size 10, I would always be considered 30 pounds overweight in Los Angeles. I meant it as a joke, but like all good jokes, sometimes there is a grain of truth in it. I stopped saying it when my daughter became a teenager. Body image is huge in the lives of teenage girls. They stand in front of the mirror for hours, twisting and turning and trying to decide if the comfy jeans they wore last week are now Public Enemy No. 1.
I want my daughter to be healthy (she is), exercise (she does), and appreciate how good food can complement your life (she has always had an inquisitive palate). We don't talk about dieting; we talk about maintaining good health and doing right by our bodies. And we also talk a lot about how some girls don't eat right. And yes, I know enough not to bring it up when she is PMS-ing
Monday, October 28, 2013
Teens Driving Teens
AAA has a great website with lots of information about teens and driving. What follows are statistics and facts about young drivers with young passengers. It may give you some ammunition to set boundaries and rules as your son or daughter first begins take the car.
WASHINGTON (October 11, 2012) – Risky behaviors among 16- and 17-year-old drivers involved in fatal crashes increased when teen passengers were present according to a study presented today by AAA and conducted by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety. With motor vehicle crashes ranking as the leading cause of death for teens, AAA is calling for greater parental involvement and stronger graduated driver’s licensing programs to promote road safety.
The new research, released as part of Teen Driver Safety Week (Oct. 14-20), shows that the prevalence of risky behaviors generally grew for 16- and 17-year-old drivers as the number of teen passengers increased. Among 16- and 17-year-old drivers involved in fatal crashes:
- The prevalence of speeding increased from 30 percent to 44 percent and 48 percent with zero, two and three or more teen passengers, respectively.
- The prevalence of late-night driving (11 p.m. to 5 a.m.) increased from 17 percent to 22 percent and 28 percent with zero, two and three or more teen passengers, respectively.
- The prevalence of alcohol use increased from 13 percent to 17 percent and 18 percent with zero, two and three or more teen passengers, respectively.
“Mixing young drivers with teen passengers can have dangerous consequences,” said AAA President & CEO Robert Darbelnet. “AAA urges parents to set and consistently enforce family rules that limit newly licensed teens from driving with young passengers.”Additional Resources
The AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety analyzed data on fatal crashes that occurred in the United States from 2005 through 2010. The report documents the prevalence of passengers ages 13-19 in fatal crashes involving drivers age 16 and 17, and examines the characteristics of those crashes according to age, sex and number of teen passengers present. Researchers found that 9,578 drivers age 16 and 17 were involved in fatal crashes, and that 3,994 of these included at least one teen passenger.
“Teen crashes remain a huge problem nationwide,” said AAA Foundation President and CEO Peter Kissinger. “Our past research clearly shows how young passengers substantially increase a novice driver’s risk of being in a fatal crash, and these new findings underscore the need to refocus our efforts, to address the problem, from state legislatures to parents.”
AAA recommends that all states adopt and enforce a comprehensive three-stage (learner’s permit, intermediate/probationary license, full/unrestricted license) graduated license system for novice drivers. These programs should limit driving at night and driving with young passengers, among other provisions designed to help novice drivers gain the skills and experience associated with responsible driving behavior.
“Graduated driver licensing programs have been shown to greatly reduce crashes, injuries and deaths for everyone on the road when they limit new teen drivers to no more than one passenger,” continued Darbelnet. “Steps parents can take, such as setting and enforcing a parent-teen driving agreement, can build on state laws to improve safety by gradually easing teens into driving.”
This study builds on a AAA Foundation report released in May that shows how risk of death in a traffic crash for 16- and 17-year-old drivers increases by 44 percent when carrying one passenger younger than 21, doubles with two and quadruples with three or more younger passengers, compared with driving alone. A previous study by the AAA Foundation found that potentially distracting loud conversation and horseplay were substantially more common with multiple teenage passengers in the vehicle than with siblings or adult passengers.
Teen drivers face a number of safety challenges including:
- Teenage drivers are involved in more crashes per mile than drivers of any other age group.
- Drivers aged 16 to 17 are involved in about seven times as many crashes per mile driven compared to drivers in their forties, fifties or sixties.
- Teenage drivers are overrepresented in crashes that result in the death of other people, such as their passengers, pedestrians or occupants of other vehicles.
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Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Your WIsh is my Command
Is Our Guilt Causing Their Greed?
American teenagers are spending more than my father took home in his paycheck when I was a kid, and more than I received in my first job out of college. My father toiled in the textile mills for his money. My first job was teaching fourth grade. Our teens get more than $104 every week...for doing nothing. That's right, $104 a week! According to a national survey conducted by marketing firm Teenage Marketing Unlimited, the average American teenager spent over $104 per week in 2001.
The survey revealed that close to two-thirds of that $104 is spent on whatever the teens desire, while the remainder is spent mostly on feeding themselves. Nice work if you can get it. But evidently work has little, if anything to do with the cash teens carry in their pockets. Their parents give it to them with no strings like work or responsibilities attached to it. Ask or don't ask and you shall receive...a lot of money. That's the commandment at the core of parents turning their kids into carefree big-spenders.
I'm worried about this. We've already begun experiencing some of the dire consequences resulting from our teens' profligate spending habits. Robert Manning, author of Credit Card Nation, cites young adults under age 25 as the most rapidly growing group of bankruptcy filers. It appears that providing our teens with all this spending money might be creating generations of financially irresponsible adults. Teens see their parents as impetuous, conspicuous consumers who view considerable credit-card debt as an accepted way of life. The sins of the father...
What brought us to the place where teenagers feel entitled to cell phones, expensive brand-name clothing and the newest, high-priced electronic gadgetry? Have we and our children adopted the mantra from the movie, Wall Street -- he who has the most toys when he dies wins? How can we deny our teenagers' demands for CD burners and beepers when we feverishly acquire as many possessions as possible in a vain attempt to purchase immediate satisfaction and status?
During this last decade of unparalleled prosperity, the marketers have persuaded us that greed is not only good, but also necessary and natural. Then they took a look at the largest group of teenagers in our country's history and started marketing directly to them. Apparently they've taught them well. Teenage Research Unlimited reports that teenage spending has risen from $122 billion per year to $172 billion per year over the past five years. Our nation's teens may be failing standardized tests in alarming numbers, but they seem to be getting high marks in Greed 101.
Not only greed, but also guilt, drives us to dole out the discretionary big bucks to our adolescents. We spend more time at work than ever before. The dual-career family is commonplace. About half of our marriages end in divorce. Almost one-third of us are single parents. We are overwhelmed trying to balance our work and family lives. It's "I'm sorry that I'm not home more" money, "Sorry that we don't eat dinner as a family" money and "Sorry that I don't really know much about your life" money. We feel just plain sorry...and guilty.
Truth be known, your teenagers want more of you, not more money from you. That's what the studies say. That's what teens tell me. Don't bet that more cash can replace more of you. Stop feeling guilty. Put away your wallet. Spend more time with your teens. Show them that you care who they are and that you are genuinely interested in their lives. Maybe then you won't feel so compelled to show them the money.
American teenagers are spending more than my father took home in his paycheck when I was a kid, and more than I received in my first job out of college. My father toiled in the textile mills for his money. My first job was teaching fourth grade. Our teens get more than $104 every week...for doing nothing. That's right, $104 a week! According to a national survey conducted by marketing firm Teenage Marketing Unlimited, the average American teenager spent over $104 per week in 2001.
The survey revealed that close to two-thirds of that $104 is spent on whatever the teens desire, while the remainder is spent mostly on feeding themselves. Nice work if you can get it. But evidently work has little, if anything to do with the cash teens carry in their pockets. Their parents give it to them with no strings like work or responsibilities attached to it. Ask or don't ask and you shall receive...a lot of money. That's the commandment at the core of parents turning their kids into carefree big-spenders.
I'm worried about this. We've already begun experiencing some of the dire consequences resulting from our teens' profligate spending habits. Robert Manning, author of Credit Card Nation, cites young adults under age 25 as the most rapidly growing group of bankruptcy filers. It appears that providing our teens with all this spending money might be creating generations of financially irresponsible adults. Teens see their parents as impetuous, conspicuous consumers who view considerable credit-card debt as an accepted way of life. The sins of the father...
What brought us to the place where teenagers feel entitled to cell phones, expensive brand-name clothing and the newest, high-priced electronic gadgetry? Have we and our children adopted the mantra from the movie, Wall Street -- he who has the most toys when he dies wins? How can we deny our teenagers' demands for CD burners and beepers when we feverishly acquire as many possessions as possible in a vain attempt to purchase immediate satisfaction and status?
During this last decade of unparalleled prosperity, the marketers have persuaded us that greed is not only good, but also necessary and natural. Then they took a look at the largest group of teenagers in our country's history and started marketing directly to them. Apparently they've taught them well. Teenage Research Unlimited reports that teenage spending has risen from $122 billion per year to $172 billion per year over the past five years. Our nation's teens may be failing standardized tests in alarming numbers, but they seem to be getting high marks in Greed 101.
Not only greed, but also guilt, drives us to dole out the discretionary big bucks to our adolescents. We spend more time at work than ever before. The dual-career family is commonplace. About half of our marriages end in divorce. Almost one-third of us are single parents. We are overwhelmed trying to balance our work and family lives. It's "I'm sorry that I'm not home more" money, "Sorry that we don't eat dinner as a family" money and "Sorry that I don't really know much about your life" money. We feel just plain sorry...and guilty.
Truth be known, your teenagers want more of you, not more money from you. That's what the studies say. That's what teens tell me. Don't bet that more cash can replace more of you. Stop feeling guilty. Put away your wallet. Spend more time with your teens. Show them that you care who they are and that you are genuinely interested in their lives. Maybe then you won't feel so compelled to show them the money.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Get Up Off That Couch
Have you seen on the news that Florida schools are sending home BMI (Body Mass Index) readings on their students? The districts then recommend weight loss and exercise for children who are too heavy. It is up for debate on whether schools are overstepping their bounds, but its no secret that America's children and youth are sedentary and overweight. Family Education.com offers the following suggestions for getting our kids moving and healthier.
Teens Need More Exercise
The medical community has been sounding the alarm: America's kids are in worse physical shape than they were 20 years ago. This is particularly appalling since overweight teens often grow into overweight adults, and overweight adults develop more heart disease, diabetes, gout, and arthritis. The New England Journal of Medicine reported that obese teenagers in the top 25 percent of their weight categories have twice the death rate in their 70s as men and women who were thin as teens.
Every time our teens sprawl in front of the TV, their metabolism slows to a crawl. Researchers at Memphis State University and the University of Tennessee explored the link several years ago and were startled to find that kids' metabolisms were lower while they were watching television than when they were resting and doing nothing at all! The typical teen now spends almost 30 hours a week in front of the tube, while eating high-fat snacks.
Who's going to step in and prod teens off those cushy couches? That's right: It's up to us, as parents, to help them find ways of living a healthy lifestyle. But where do we start?
Great Exercises for Teens
Aerobic exercise is perfect for teens who are independent and like variety. Some possibilities include running, in-line skating, cycling, swimming, power- or race-walking, tennis, full-court basketball, aerobic dancing, kick-boxing, Tae Bo, hockey, soccer, rowing, elliptical trainer, cross-country skiing, jumping rope, racquetball, handball, ice-skating, and trampoline. The American Heart Association suggests that teens raise their heart rates for 20 minutes without stopping, three or more times a week. Reassure your teen that aerobic exercise, when done correctly, shouldn't resemble running timed laps in gym class, when many kids feel like their lungs are ready to burst and their legs are on fire. This isn't about "no pain, no gain" it's about choosing fun physical fitness activities that also make you sweat and breathe a little harder.
Exercise should never hurt, although a little muscle soreness can be expected, especially in the initial weeks of a workout program. Be sure your teen knows the importance of stretching and warming up. And keep in mind that out-of-shape kids should start out slowly, since they are more prone to serious injury if they do too much too soon.
Ten Arguments for Exercising
Teens are great at coming up with reasons not to exercise, so be ready to give them incentives to get fit. Here are 10 pro-exercise arguments to present to your teen:
10. Running and walking are convenient. All you have to do is walk out the door and put one foot in front of the other. No need for pools, courts, or fields.
9. Running doesn't cost much. Splurge on good running shoes, but go the el-cheapo route for shorts, t-shirts, and sweats.
8. Your heart becomes more efficient at pumping blood and oxygen through your body every time you exercise aerobically. You'll think more clearly. You'll also raise HDL levels (high density lipoprotein) in your arteries to protect you from heart attacks and strokes when you get really old -- like in your 40s and 50s!
7. It's an awesome time to chat with friends. (And talking slows your pace, so you'll exercise longer.)
6. It's a perfect time to be alone and think. You'll be blown away by the creative thoughts -- ideas for research papers, ways to end that fight with your best friend, and what to say to that cute kid in the neighborhood.
5. The benefits of cross-training extend to all sports you do. Aerobic exercise conditions your body to perform longer, faster, and more efficiently. Wait until your coach sees you play soccer or baseball!
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/exercise/29461.html#ixzz2hHgdyd4R
Teens Need More Exercise
The medical community has been sounding the alarm: America's kids are in worse physical shape than they were 20 years ago. This is particularly appalling since overweight teens often grow into overweight adults, and overweight adults develop more heart disease, diabetes, gout, and arthritis. The New England Journal of Medicine reported that obese teenagers in the top 25 percent of their weight categories have twice the death rate in their 70s as men and women who were thin as teens.
Every time our teens sprawl in front of the TV, their metabolism slows to a crawl. Researchers at Memphis State University and the University of Tennessee explored the link several years ago and were startled to find that kids' metabolisms were lower while they were watching television than when they were resting and doing nothing at all! The typical teen now spends almost 30 hours a week in front of the tube, while eating high-fat snacks.
Who's going to step in and prod teens off those cushy couches? That's right: It's up to us, as parents, to help them find ways of living a healthy lifestyle. But where do we start?
Great Exercises for Teens
Aerobic exercise is perfect for teens who are independent and like variety. Some possibilities include running, in-line skating, cycling, swimming, power- or race-walking, tennis, full-court basketball, aerobic dancing, kick-boxing, Tae Bo, hockey, soccer, rowing, elliptical trainer, cross-country skiing, jumping rope, racquetball, handball, ice-skating, and trampoline. The American Heart Association suggests that teens raise their heart rates for 20 minutes without stopping, three or more times a week. Reassure your teen that aerobic exercise, when done correctly, shouldn't resemble running timed laps in gym class, when many kids feel like their lungs are ready to burst and their legs are on fire. This isn't about "no pain, no gain" it's about choosing fun physical fitness activities that also make you sweat and breathe a little harder.
Exercise should never hurt, although a little muscle soreness can be expected, especially in the initial weeks of a workout program. Be sure your teen knows the importance of stretching and warming up. And keep in mind that out-of-shape kids should start out slowly, since they are more prone to serious injury if they do too much too soon.
Ten Arguments for Exercising
Teens are great at coming up with reasons not to exercise, so be ready to give them incentives to get fit. Here are 10 pro-exercise arguments to present to your teen:
10. Running and walking are convenient. All you have to do is walk out the door and put one foot in front of the other. No need for pools, courts, or fields.
9. Running doesn't cost much. Splurge on good running shoes, but go the el-cheapo route for shorts, t-shirts, and sweats.
8. Your heart becomes more efficient at pumping blood and oxygen through your body every time you exercise aerobically. You'll think more clearly. You'll also raise HDL levels (high density lipoprotein) in your arteries to protect you from heart attacks and strokes when you get really old -- like in your 40s and 50s!
7. It's an awesome time to chat with friends. (And talking slows your pace, so you'll exercise longer.)
6. It's a perfect time to be alone and think. You'll be blown away by the creative thoughts -- ideas for research papers, ways to end that fight with your best friend, and what to say to that cute kid in the neighborhood.
5. The benefits of cross-training extend to all sports you do. Aerobic exercise conditions your body to perform longer, faster, and more efficiently. Wait until your coach sees you play soccer or baseball!
Read more on FamilyEducation: http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/exercise/29461.html#ixzz2hHgdyd4R
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Hard Headed -So What's New?
Willful 13-Year-Old
Toddler and Teenager Expert Advice from Carleton Kendrick, Ed.M., LCSW
Q: We are parents of a 13-year-old who
is extremely willful. We've tried appealing to him as an adult because
he says we don't use the same standards with him -- that doesn't work.
We tried punishment in the form of taking away privileges from him. It
works for the short-term, but not long-term. He always says that we
don't listen to him, but we do. I know it sounds typical, but we are
stymied.
A: Of course your situation sounds
typical, you are a POA (Parent of an Adolescent). Just because your
situation has all the components of healthy parent-teen conflict doesn't
mean it's not troublesome, both for you and your son. First, appealing
to him as a responsible adult probably is not going to work; he's
probably, in adult terms, a rather irresponsible teenager. Punishment as
opposed to disciplining with natural consequences is also not going to
work, as you have discovered. Your boy is now being pushed and pulled
between the "comforts" of being the "little kid" he used to be and the
"big kid-adult" he wants to be (but can't quite pull off). Maybe it
would be wise for you and your wife to think back to when you were his
age and try to remember whether you were "willful" at all or whether you
and your parents didn't quite see eye to eye on many matters.
During these teen years where he is attempting to establish an identity independent from you, there will be much contrariness and many disagreements; he will be ruled more by his desire to fit into his peer group than by a desire to live by your rules. We need to still love our youngsters unconditionally during these years; we also need to "walk and talk" the values and principles that are the foundations of our family life. Our teens will be ever vigilant to point out any hypocrisy on our part (you just had alcohol and drove a car!). We can communicate that we respect them and trust them to be honest, considerate, responsible, etc., while letting them know that they, like you, are expected to live by the values that define who your family is.
Teens need to know there are natural consequences to all their actions. They need you to let them experience the natural results of their misbehavior; you need to separate the deed from the doer when giving the appropriate natural consequences. Despite their insistence that they don't need you to set up rules for their lives anymore, it is especially important during these tumultuous adolescent years that you show them the strength of your love and the strength of your values. When all else around them can appear to dramatically change in a moment's notice, you will, for the most part, remain his dependable (and, of course, often aggravating) nurturing parents.
I'm sure you will abide by and love and discipline your son (in the midst of constant changes in mood) as well as anyone can during these temperamental but also wondrous years.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Raising Pre-Teens. It is Cool to be Uncool.
| This is a great site with lots of good information. What follow is some excellent advice about parenting your emerging Pre-teen. It is a delicate time and requires patience and perseverance. It is like watching a caterpillar change into a butterfly, ugly and awkward at first, but the final beautiful product is worth the wait. Toddlers and grade-schoolers? Piece of cake compared to 10-12 year olds. We need all the help we can get! chrissie |
Mothering a preteen
Being the mother of a preteen is not the most ego-gratifying period of a woman's life. If you thought you were clueless about what to do when the baby was brand new, think again—this is the time when you really begin to doubt that you know what you're doing. You have far less control over your preteen children than you've ever had, because the second they leave your house they are making all kinds of decisions you may never know about.
Betwixt and Between
Expect to worry. A preteen child combines the toughest parts of teenage-dom and childhood: He's old enough to think he can make his own decisions, but he's still too young to recognize his limitations. And, to make matters worse, preteens seem genetically hardwired to believe that all parents (and especially moms) are stupid and ignorant and that somehow they have been dropped into your family by mistake.Teenagers, you hope, have already begun the maturation process that may ultimately lead to responsibility. Preteens, however, are still too close to being children to be able to objectively see how they are presenting themselves to the outside world. And while they may want you to see them as cool and up to the minute, inside they may still be clinging to their teddy bears or worrying about the monsters in their closets at night.
The Mom's Side of Preteen-dom
The preteen years feel like a time of loss to many mothers. If you have defined yourself in any way by your relationship with your child (and who doesn't, at least a little bit?) you're sometimes going to perceive your child's behavior as pushing you away. You'll be strongly tempted to cling and try to retain some control over your child, but that's only guaranteed to make your child need to push away even harder.Mom Alert!
The preteen's demand for independence is at least 50 percent bluff. Don't react by giving your child more freedom than she is ready for. No matter how much she seems to be rebelling against you, she's really counting on you to hang in there for her.Oh My Gosh! I'm Turning into My Mother!
One day you are going to find yourself haranguing your preteen, trying to maintain some control, and you'll suddenly realize that you sound just like your parents did when you were that age. At first you'll probably cringe at the recollection of how uncool you used to think your own mom was—and the realization that you have now become just as uncool to your kid.If you're wise, you'll remember what you were like when you were trying to break away and become your own person—and you'll remember that you weren't doing it just to be mean to your folks.
Your preteen is not really rejecting you. She is just trying to find an identity separate from you at a time when she is terrified to let you go. The insults and cracks are your preteen's way of making it easier to let go of your constant protection.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Take Me. Please Take Me.
If you have a senior then you and yours are probably already up to your elbows in the dreaded-college application. It can be quite a process. Particularly if your child has aspirations to attend an ivy-league or private institution. Dr. Raymond J. and Eileen Huntington point out five common mistakes that students often making when applying to college. They seem obvious, yet admission deans indicate they are the five mistakes made most often.
Don't let your student wait until the last minute. Take the time to investigate, consider, weigh all the options and then, present a well prepared application.
Is your teen suffering from application procrastination? Choosing and applying to the right college can be a daunting process, not to mention that seemingly endless period while the family waits for a response in the mail.
Preparation is the only real cure for the college application blues. Gathering good information early enough to use it is the best way to avoid what College Admissions Deans from across the country term The Five Faux Pas – the five most common mistakes prospective freshman make when choosing and applying to college.
Don't let your student wait until the last minute. Take the time to investigate, consider, weigh all the options and then, present a well prepared application.
Is your teen suffering from application procrastination? Choosing and applying to the right college can be a daunting process, not to mention that seemingly endless period while the family waits for a response in the mail.
Preparation is the only real cure for the college application blues. Gathering good information early enough to use it is the best way to avoid what College Admissions Deans from across the country term The Five Faux Pas – the five most common mistakes prospective freshman make when choosing and applying to college.
#1 – Poor Academics
According to a study by the National Association for College Admission Counseling, the most important factor in gaining admission to college is strong performance in a college preparatory curriculum (test scores and class rank were second and third). Your teen should be taking as many English, science, math, social studies and foreign language courses as possible. A related mistake is assuming that grade point average is more important than the difficulty of the classes selected. Your teen can't fool an admissions officer with a high GPA based on non-challenging electives.#2 – Pack Mentality
Don't let your teen apply only to those schools his or her friends are attending. Work together to set the right criteria: major field of study, campus size/average class size, rural or urban setting, etc. Remember, it's your job to point out that even the best friends can flunk out of college or simply change their minds, leaving your teen stuck with (possibly) untransferable credits from a school that doesn't fit their real needs.#3 – Choosing One "Right" School
There is no such thing as one "right" school. With hundreds of universities to choose from there are sure to be at least several that meet your teen's needs. Help you future freshman create a list of five to ten serious choices using a three-tier approach. The first tier are the most competitive schools; the second-tier colleges should meet all the same requirements but are not as selective as the first group; third-tier should include colleges your teen is sure to get into (a.k.a. safety schools).#4 – Making Price a Priority
Don't make the mistake of thinking a public, in-state school is all you can afford until you investigate all available financing. More than half of all college students receive some form of financial aid (scholarships, grants, loans, etc.) that can make a private school across the country nearly as affordable as the state school a half-hour from home.#5 – Lost in the Mail
Your teen's application and supporting materials (transcripts, essays, recommendations) are all an admissions officer has to consider when making a decision that can have a major impact on your child's life. The materials must be well written, neatly prepared (appearance does count) and submitted before the application deadline. If the application is just one day late all that hard work is completely wasted because no one will review it.Tuesday, September 17, 2013
One for the Team
It's football season! And you know what that means: it's Fantasy Football season!
Bore everyone to tears with game recaps! Enrage wives and girlfriends by spending too much time doing research! Turn leisurely Sundays into stress-filled angerscapes of regret and frustration. I can't wait!
I've written about my relationship with Fantasy Football before, even going so far as to consider skipping the birth of my child to attend my draft. That was a choice I didn't end up having to make, thankfully, and it resulted in one of the best days of my life: the day I won my league!
These days, almost everyone I play Fantasy with has kids, and since everyone with kids wishes they had better kids, I thought I'd imagine what the top picks in a Fantasy Parenting draft would look like.
Fantasy Parenting Rankings
1. A totally healthy, totally happy kid
Like Fantasy Football's Adrian Peterson, the Fantasy Parenting Draft has a consensus #1. No one is passing that up.
2. A kid who sleeps 'til 10 a.m. every morning
3. A vacation without kids
4. A kid who is already potty-trained
If I had the 4th pick, I'd be more than happy with whichever of those three happened to be left.
5. Free college tuition
Total boom or bust pick: college may well be obsolete in fifteen years. But if not, it will cost a FORTUNE. Too much upside to pass this one up with the fifth pick.
6. A kid who LOVES playing by himself, quietly
I love this pick. I could see it going as high as 3rd, really. A quiet kid is almost as good as getting extra sleep.
7. Painless vasectomy
One of the most controversial picks of the draft. You may never need a vasectomy, or worse, you may eventually decide to get it reversed! But like the homer who needs the Patriots' 3rd string RB and reaches to get him, some joker always panics and grabs this one early, usually right after their kid has pissed them off. For me, it's a last-ditch option and I wouldn't go near it until round 8, at the earliest.
8. A kid who cleans up after himself
This just never seems to pan out. Let someone else make this mistake.
9. An athletic/musical/scholastic prodigy
Another high-risk, high-reward pick. Even if it pays off early, could cause a lot of headaches down the road.
10. A kid who eats his dinner without a fight
Solid late first-rounder. Nothing flashy, but consistent year after year. So long as you have a lot of mac and cheese in the house.
First-round dark horse: Tim Tebow
Let's face it, the guy needs a home. And I'm sure his manners are impeccable.
Sleepers: A kid who likes "The Wire"; a kid who never talks back; a kid who falls asleep in the car; a kid who never whines; no tantrums; a kid who can see you eating junk food but NEVER WANTS it himself; a kid who hates children's music and only listens real, quality stuff; a kid who never wakes up in the middle of the night; a kid who isn't interested in your iPad or computer.
Obviously, this list is totally subjective. Like any fantasy league, how you devise your rankings depends largely on the format. Do you have more than one kid? Maybe a vasectomy is a good early call. Got a nanny or grandparents around to help? Then you might not need to take the kid-free vacation. Just know your league, go with your gut, and don't get so caught up in results that it stops being fun.
Just like with being a good fantasy football player, being a successful parent takes preparation and hard work, but nobody really knows anything, and it basically all comes down to luck.
Bore everyone to tears with game recaps! Enrage wives and girlfriends by spending too much time doing research! Turn leisurely Sundays into stress-filled angerscapes of regret and frustration. I can't wait!
I've written about my relationship with Fantasy Football before, even going so far as to consider skipping the birth of my child to attend my draft. That was a choice I didn't end up having to make, thankfully, and it resulted in one of the best days of my life: the day I won my league!
These days, almost everyone I play Fantasy with has kids, and since everyone with kids wishes they had better kids, I thought I'd imagine what the top picks in a Fantasy Parenting draft would look like.
Fantasy Parenting Rankings
1. A totally healthy, totally happy kid
Like Fantasy Football's Adrian Peterson, the Fantasy Parenting Draft has a consensus #1. No one is passing that up.
2. A kid who sleeps 'til 10 a.m. every morning
3. A vacation without kids
4. A kid who is already potty-trained
If I had the 4th pick, I'd be more than happy with whichever of those three happened to be left.
5. Free college tuition
Total boom or bust pick: college may well be obsolete in fifteen years. But if not, it will cost a FORTUNE. Too much upside to pass this one up with the fifth pick.
6. A kid who LOVES playing by himself, quietly
I love this pick. I could see it going as high as 3rd, really. A quiet kid is almost as good as getting extra sleep.
7. Painless vasectomy
One of the most controversial picks of the draft. You may never need a vasectomy, or worse, you may eventually decide to get it reversed! But like the homer who needs the Patriots' 3rd string RB and reaches to get him, some joker always panics and grabs this one early, usually right after their kid has pissed them off. For me, it's a last-ditch option and I wouldn't go near it until round 8, at the earliest.
8. A kid who cleans up after himself
This just never seems to pan out. Let someone else make this mistake.
9. An athletic/musical/scholastic prodigy
Another high-risk, high-reward pick. Even if it pays off early, could cause a lot of headaches down the road.
10. A kid who eats his dinner without a fight
Solid late first-rounder. Nothing flashy, but consistent year after year. So long as you have a lot of mac and cheese in the house.
First-round dark horse: Tim Tebow
Let's face it, the guy needs a home. And I'm sure his manners are impeccable.
Sleepers: A kid who likes "The Wire"; a kid who never talks back; a kid who falls asleep in the car; a kid who never whines; no tantrums; a kid who can see you eating junk food but NEVER WANTS it himself; a kid who hates children's music and only listens real, quality stuff; a kid who never wakes up in the middle of the night; a kid who isn't interested in your iPad or computer.
Obviously, this list is totally subjective. Like any fantasy league, how you devise your rankings depends largely on the format. Do you have more than one kid? Maybe a vasectomy is a good early call. Got a nanny or grandparents around to help? Then you might not need to take the kid-free vacation. Just know your league, go with your gut, and don't get so caught up in results that it stops being fun.
Just like with being a good fantasy football player, being a successful parent takes preparation and hard work, but nobody really knows anything, and it basically all comes down to luck.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
By the Way
The clock is ticking. This time at home with your child is fleeting.
Years pass in the blink of an eye. Eighteen years and they pack their
car and wave goodbye. If we do our job right, they will seek their
fortune and their destiny with confidence and courage. The adventure of
leaving home and leaving you is just part of their journey, and ours.
We can't live every moment, dreading the inevitable-but we can train ourselves to make the most of time together. I have talked alot about making memories, making moments, making a home. A simple way of affirming your child and perhaps smoothing over a rough time could be a letter. A love letter to your teen.
Now, I don't mean all gushy and mushy. That will just turn your child off and probably embarrass them. Don't be too abstract or rhetorical. Identify specific attributes and use specifics to support your point.
An example? You face challenges head on and with courage. Algebra II was definitely a hurdle but you studied, got tutoring, worked with your teacher and gave up other activities to bring your grade up and prepare for the next year. Dad and I are so proud of you!!!
Perhaps your daughter has an after-school babysitting job. I am so proud that others trust you and know how responsible you are. Mrs. Smith knows she can count on you to care for Ivy and knows Ivy is is safe and happy. I am also busting my buttons that you are earning your own money and adding it to your college fund. You are something else!!!!
Things a little dicey at your house? Even more the reason to write an affirming note. Glad we had that meeting of the minds last night. Though we may not agree on a few house rules, I know we agree that we love each other and will both strive to come up with a workable solution. I miss that beautiful smile at the dinner table. Let's talk.
You're the parent. Who better knows all the good things about your teen. Hey, you've got bragging rights! Write a little something or write a lot. Then, pass it on. It's important. chrissie
We can't live every moment, dreading the inevitable-but we can train ourselves to make the most of time together. I have talked alot about making memories, making moments, making a home. A simple way of affirming your child and perhaps smoothing over a rough time could be a letter. A love letter to your teen.
Now, I don't mean all gushy and mushy. That will just turn your child off and probably embarrass them. Don't be too abstract or rhetorical. Identify specific attributes and use specifics to support your point.
An example? You face challenges head on and with courage. Algebra II was definitely a hurdle but you studied, got tutoring, worked with your teacher and gave up other activities to bring your grade up and prepare for the next year. Dad and I are so proud of you!!!
Perhaps your daughter has an after-school babysitting job. I am so proud that others trust you and know how responsible you are. Mrs. Smith knows she can count on you to care for Ivy and knows Ivy is is safe and happy. I am also busting my buttons that you are earning your own money and adding it to your college fund. You are something else!!!!
Things a little dicey at your house? Even more the reason to write an affirming note. Glad we had that meeting of the minds last night. Though we may not agree on a few house rules, I know we agree that we love each other and will both strive to come up with a workable solution. I miss that beautiful smile at the dinner table. Let's talk.
You're the parent. Who better knows all the good things about your teen. Hey, you've got bragging rights! Write a little something or write a lot. Then, pass it on. It's important. chrissie
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Twenty Things to Pack for College
I have something I want to tell them before they head back up the university's hill to walk new halls, meet new faces and make new decisions that could change their lives. As they pack up their cars for campus, I want to plop myself down in their front seats and tell them what they need to know. What I wish I had known.
-----------------------------------------
Precious young person, before you leave, can you turn off your phone and let me share something valuable with you? I know you think I am too old to understand you, but I promise, some days I feel closer to your age than I do my own. I haven't forgotten.
What I see in front of me is a life that is valuable and worth more than you can possibly know today. I hope to save you a lot of time, pain and regret, if you listen to what I wish I'd heard before I put the car into drive. ...
The 20 Things I Wish Someone Told Me at 20:
1. Hold tight to your real friends and don't forget the closeness that you feel now.
It is real, and over time, life will try to tease those connections away. They will mean everything.
Your brain doesn't fully connect all of the dots until you're about 23. Trust me. Trust THEM.
3. Keep the joy of being 'in the moment.'
You will have to focus on the future so much as you get older -- being mindful to the moment becomes a lost gift (you do this better than we do).
4. You will miss your youthful body one day -- love it and take care of it.
There will come a day when you become nostalgic for all of those body parts that you don't like now. Take care of them, exercise and enjoy the freedom of your abilities.
5. If someone has cut you down, that is about THEM, not YOU.
Unkind words are often used to cut a strong person down to make the insecure one feel better. Don't let them stick.
6. Apologize: mean it & make it better.
Say "I'm sorry," drop your ego and fix things humbly, without excuses.
7. Education is THAT important.
With 100% certainty, you will be proud of your degrees ... and you will regret it if you don't complete them.
You own your body. Walking away is tough in the moment, but your spirit will thank you. And, trust me, in later years, those decisions will fill you and your partner with pride.
9. Whatever you POST is PERMANENT.
Envision that picture, video or comment being pushed across the desk to you as you interview for your first job.
10. Trust the calling on your heart.
Don't quiet the voice inside your spirit. DO the work to get where you are called to go ... even if it is not where someone else thinks you should be going.
11. Spirituality/Religion will be what saves you when the world goes out.
Always keep a personal spiritual relationship with God - this will guide you, strengthen you & bring you peace. Pray. Meditate. Listen. Every day.
12. Travel.
Seize any (safe) opportunity to journey to a new place, immerse in a new culture, or experience new landscape. Your mind will open in immeasurable ways.
Toxins affect your outward beauty, the way you radiate, and the way that people experience you. Treat your body as purely as possible. It will show.
14. Consider the other side of the story.
Listen to someone that you don't agree with - ask them where they came from and why they feel the way they do, without judgment. Be OPEN.
15. Talk yourself out of the need to compare yourself.
Strive to be the best YOU, not a copy of the person next to you. Know your strengths. Don't belittle your weaknesses.
By being known, teachers will be more invested in you and your success. You might also gain a mentor.
17. Love your parents. Love your grandparents.
Look them in the eye and listen to their stories. Honor their lives and the legacies of those before you. You never know when it is going to be too late.
18. People will treat you the way that you allow them to.
You have half the power to determine how every relationship goes as a whole. Be empowered to keep positive people close and negative people at bay. You do have a choice.
19. Pay attention to how people treat their parents ... and their waiters.
The way a potential partner treats his/her parents is a good predictor of how they will be in a marriage. The way they treat a waiter (or any service person) shows you their character.
20. Listen to your still, small voice.
God gave you a spirit that speaks to you from that spot deep in your core. You can feel it give you a stinging "bzzzz" when you should not be somewhere, and a feel-good "lalalala!" when you are in a very good place. Trust those GUT feelings. Your intuition is your superpower -- use it and you will diminish your chance for regret ... and increase your chance for wonderfulness.
