On The Same Page

Teenagers are brilliant. Teenagers are intuitive. Teenagers are clever. A teenager can sense weakness and shatter a parent's best intentions. A Mother and a Father with a difference of opinion are a chink in the armor of parenting. A Mother and Father in a parenting standoff are the million dollar payoff for their teen.

Co-parenting takes a plan. It takes strategy. It takes compromise. Here are several tips from one Sue Blaney to insure a united front when it comes to parenting your teenager.

• Expect that you will disagree at times. Rather than focus on what you disagree on, find your common ground.
• Be very clear about your agreed-upon points. You can even consider posting them on the refrig!
• Aim for consistency… your kids need to know what to expect from each of you.
• When you and the other parent can’t find common ground, agree which parent will take the lead on a particular issue. Be specific and clear with your teen.
• Understand that if you fail to give your teen clear, consistent messages and direction, you are creating a wide chasm into which s/he can fall …caused by the parents’ failure to find resolutions.
• Do not ever undermine the authority of the other parent.
• Negotiations must be respectful. Yelling is not allowed. If necessary, give one another permission to walk away and continue when emotions are less volatile.
• Aim for a resolution. While teens dislike seeing bickering between parents, what is even worse is when parents fight and don’t resolve anything. Remember, you are modeling behavior that your teen is learning.
• If you can’t agree on anything, consider getting a mediator. This could be a family doctor, minister, relative, friend – anyone who cares about your kids and whom you are both willing to trust.

In situations between you, your teen, and his/her other parent:

• Whenever possible, include your teenager in the negotiation. This empowers your teen, let’s him know that you value and respect his opinion, and may open additional possibilities for compromise and resolution.
• Organize a regular family meeting where the whole family can discuss what is working and what isn’t. This is not only possible, but especially valuable if you are in a divorced home. With Skype and other available technologies today this is even possible when there are long distances between you.
• Allow feelings to be expressed. Encourage honesty. Nothing gets resolved if feelings are disallowed. This won’t always be pleasant or fun, but authentic interactions should be valued.
• Try to teach and model tact and sensitivity to other’s feelings.
• Identify your feelings aloud, understanding that kids are sometimes hyper-sensitive to criticism. They are also very tuned in to reading facial expressions, and are often wrong about what they interpret. Better to say how you are feeling: “I’m not angry; I’m just tired.” “I may look angry, but I’m really just frustrated.”
• Allow your teen the time to process in silence. Sometimes they need time to think things through before responding.
• Minimize your criticism. Try to lead with an open mind to encourage the cooperation you are hoping to achieve.

Raising teenagers requires really adult behavior from parents… and this isn’t always easy! When embroiled in a disagreement about behavior, values, rules or what-have-you, it can feel like a life and death situation. But, even if the other parent has a different belief than you do and you think s/he is dead wrong, your teen may be better off with a consistent and enforceable message -with which you disagree- rather than having no resolution or direction. In other words, you may have to back off at times. The most important thing is to make sure your teen doesn’t fall into any chasms that may exist between you. chrissie

Texting our Teens

Communicating with our children has taken a whole new direction. Texting was something I initially did not use to contact someone. I was too slow typing what I wanted to say and I needed the feedback of a real voice to communicate. As time has passed, I find myself texting more and calling less.

I read an interesting article recently. The writer argues that kids need to hear their parent's voice. Instant messaging may be one of the hottest ways for kids to communicate, but it doesn't hold a candle to hearing Mom when you're a stressed-out tween.

For young girls, the sounds of a mother's reassuring words over the telephone were as soothing as talking with her in person, finds a new study. When researchers compared these reactions to daughters who had only a high-tech IM exchange with their Moms, they found the girl's stress levels were similar to those who had no contact with a parent at all.

"Hearing one another is still an important part of human communication," says Leslie Seltzer, a post-doctoral fellow in biological anthropology at the University of Wisconsin. The study tracked 68 girls between the ages of seven-and-a-half and 12. All the girls completed a questionnaire about their mother-daughter relationships and were given a 15-minute task to test their math and verbal skills.

Afterward the girls were assigned to one of four groups: One saw and spoke with their mother for 15 minutes after the stressful task, a second had a phone conversation for the same amount of time, a third could instant message their Moms, and a fourth had no parental communication.

Participants had both their cortisol levels in their saliva, a measure of stress hormones, as well as their oxytocin levels in the urine, a hormone linked with mother-child bonding, tested frequently during the experiment. Scientists found that stress levels of the girls who had no parental interaction were similar to those who texted and were higher overall than girls who had direct or verbal contact with their mothers. And the girl's who texted did not release oxytocin, a response comparable to those having no parental contact.

"Instant messaging falls short of the mark when it comes to conveying a hormonal signal of comfort," explains Seltzer. "It makes sense that the hormones responsible for attachment and stress-buffering would respond to social vocalizations, which are several billion years old, as opposed to writing in any form, which is a very recent innovation," she adds.

Interestingly, the strength of the mother-daughter relationship didn't seem to influence communication. And while tweens may IM their peers for comfort, exchanging texts with Mom may be totally different. A daughter's stress levels could possibly climb if a parent is not as quick with the words or as adept with the technology as her friends.

Seltzer says she would be surprised if a generation who have grown up texting and IMing will have a different physiological response to their child's use of these technologies when they eventually become parents.

"That would represent an ability very unique to humans -- the ability to elicit a hormonal cascade in response to viewing symbols," Seltzer explains. Talk about evolution.

But for now, with our own children, it seems they need to hear our voice. Communicating by texting does not offer the emotional support our sons and daughters need to feel safe and comforted. See, we knew it all along! Chrissie

Middle School Angst

Ask any adult you know: Which school years were hardest for you? Then brace yourself for a grimace, followed by one of these responses:

a) Middle school.
b) Ninth grade.
c) All of the above.

Why are those years so harrowing for so many, decade after decade? Well, besides the raging hormones, acne, peer pressure, impersonal schools, cliques, bullying and, these days, the potential for kids to destroy their reputations for life on Facebook, there’s also this: the birth throes of an adult brain.

“Whoever you were in the ninth grade you probably still are as an adult,” said Howard Gradet of Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Social Organization of Schools. “You don’t change all that much. We cover it up for a lot of reasons as adults, but that ninth-grader is still recognizable today. Reading this statement struck a chord with me. I see this as valid in how I see myself and how I see my now grown children.

Reducing drama and trauma
Growing numbers of parents are deciding that traditional public schools aren’t doing enough to answer those questions for their kids. They’re hungry for alternatives during this difficult chapter of their children’s lives. And, as it turns out, alternatives abound.

Some parents yank their kids out of public school and opt for private school or home-schooling instead. Others turn to charter schools for tuition-free options. Still others, whose kids may be having a hard time focusing in large, chaotic classrooms, seek out online classes. In fact, online learning programs are becoming so popular that more than 4 million students participated in them in 2010, according to the International Association of K-12 Online Learning.

Students can tackle core academic subjects at their own pace. One 14 year old states, “Having 38 kids in a classroom is very challenging,” she said, noting how long it can take the teacher to get the room under control. “This way I’ll really be able to focus on learning well without being distracted by other kids ... I usually get the information the first time, so having to go over it again and again can be a source of frustration for me.”

Additionally, a sensitive teen will be spared at least some of the “puberty and dramas” of middle school.

You may argue that middle school is ‘training for life.' On-line proponents argue, "when is life like this? When else in your life are you surrounded by 30 other kids your exact same age who are catty, gossiping, with hormones raging? But we have this idea that it’s a rite of passage. A rite of passage for what? Trauma? As a parent, we sheepishly answer, "well...no"

If your child is having a hard time with the middle school transition- do your homework. No matter how much your kids don’t want you to, know what’s going on in their school. Experts advise, Go to the school if you have to. Find out why they’re depressed. Maybe they’re being picked on, or maybe there’s a teacher who’s making them miserable. Something’s not right.”

James Gradet of Johns Hopkins University is an expert on educating ninth-graders, Gradet said it’s all too common for parents to take an excessively hands-off approach once their kids reach high school. Parents do this with good motives, thinking their teenagers need to learn how to go it alone as they get older.

“You do have to back off to an extent, that’s true, but it’s not an all-or-nothing thing,” Gradet said. “It’s easy to think, ‘Whew, I got him to this point and now he’s safe.’ No, he’s not safe. Stay involved. Check his notebook. Show an interest. That really says something to a kid. He thinks, ‘My parents are still interested in what I’m doing, and I still have to answer to them.’ ”

A new middle-schooler getting overwhelmed in a new, huge school — is alarmingly typical. Large, impersonal settings can make it easy for a student to feel invisible, and that sense of invisibility can put a student at risk of dropping out.

“In a typical high school, where the ninth-grade kids are all over the building, their first-period class may be on the first floor of C wing and their second-period class may be on the third floor of A wing,” Gradet said. “There’s a lot of space in between where you can find something to do that’s more fun than going to that next class.”

Gradet and his colleagues have helped to pioneer a “talent development” model for ninth grade that has been implemented in hundreds of public schools around the country — in part to counteract the more than 1,600 large high schools they’ve identified as “dropout factories” because they graduate 60 percent or less of their students. About 2.1 million students attend such beleaguered schools across the United States.

In the talent development model, all the ninth-graders stay together all day in the same section of the school, and all the students and teachers get to know each other well. “The kids aren’t invisible — they can’t be invisible.

Other parents have opted for private school for their kids — regardless of cost. Many parents choose this route because they’re deeply affected by private schools’ results. A Department of Education study of students who attended private schools affiliated with the National Association of Independent Schools revealed that 99 percent graduated from high school, and more than 90 percent went on to four-year colleges.

Unfortunately, private schools are an income dilemma. Tuition is expensive and that doesn't include curriculum or food or uniforms. Home-schooling is another popular option and has become mainstream. Resources, materials and support are readily available through the internet. Home Schooling has moved to mainstream and there is no stigma anymore. It is an increasingly popular choice for parents who have the time and the inclination to educate their own children.

Traditional middle school, on-line, private, charter or home-school? There are now several options available to your family. What is important is that the choices you make can impact your child for a lifetime. Reducing drama and trauma. Keep tuned in and all lines of communication open as your child makes this next important step in his/her education and life. chrissie

What's a Phone Book?

The current freshmen entering college who will make up the Class of 2015 have no remembrance of what life was like before the Internet, what this whole Communist Party fuss was about in Russia and that Amazon was once just known as a river in South America.

Ferris Bueller could technically be their dad at this point, and they probably don’t know the name of the bar where everybody knows your name. What follows is used to help college professors relate to their students, particularly, their incoming Freshman class.

College Mindset List was created by former Beloit College public affairs director Ron Nief and Keefer Professor of Humanities Tom McBride to ensure the faculty would avoid out-of-touch references in their work and lectures. Compiled at www.mindsetmoment.com, the list has also served to illustrate the speed at which what was once current can become old in an instant.

This year’s incoming class has no memory of the George Bush who once famously uttered, “Read my lips: No new taxes.’’ To them, he is just the elderly father of the George Bush who famously declared “Mission accomplished!’’ on an aircraft carrier when talking about operations in Iraq.

Text messaging has been a normal part of life, while dialing a phone (what's a dial?) sounds like something out of the Stone Age. The thought of O.J. Simpson running a football rather than running from the law is hard to fathom. Any story that starts to drag on gets cut short with a quick “yadda, yadda, yadda.’’

Below are the top 20 items from the list of 75 cultural touchtones compiled by Beloit College. Other highlights include “Dial-up is soooooooooooo last century!’’ “Music has always been available via free downloads,’’ and “Some of them have been inspired to actually cook by watching the Food Channel.’’

In the sports world, “They’ve always wanted to be like Shaq or Kobe: Michael Who?’’ At Mass, the presence of an altar girl merits a shrug. When it’s time to end that relationship, why do it in person when texting, Facebook, or MySpace will do the trick?

The Top 20

1. There has always been an Internet ramp onto the information highway.
2. Ferris Bueller and Sloane Peterson could be their parents.
3. States and Velcro parents have always been requiring that they wear their bike helmets.
4. The only significant labor disputes in their lifetimes have been in major league sports.
5. There have always been at least two women on the Supreme Court, and women have always commanded U.S. Navy ships.
6. They “swipe” cards, not merchandise.
7. As they’ve grown up on websites and cell phones, adult experts have constantly fretted about their alleged deficits of empathy and concentration.
8. Their school’s “blackboards” have always been getting smarter.
9. “Don’t touch that dial!”….what dial?
10. American tax forms have always been available in Spanish.
11. More Americans have always traveled to Latin America than to Europe.
12. Amazon has never been just a river in South America.
13. Refer to LBJ, and they might assume you're talking about LeBron James.
14. All their lives, Whitney Houston has always been declaring “I Will Always Love You.”
15. They have no idea what a roll of film is.
16. Women have never been too old to have children.
17. Japan has always been importing rice.
18. Jim Carrey has always been bigger than a pet detective.
19. We have never asked, and they have never had to tell.
20. Life has always been like a box of chocolates.

Forrest Gump aside, the world as we know it is whirling faster and faster. It seems like just yesterday has become my mantra. Blink and another year is gone. Blink and your toddler is off to college. Blink and what seemed relevant is now obsolete. That's it. I am not blinking again! chrissie

It Takes Practice

The tween years are difficult. Making the transition between childhood and toward "teenager" is an emotional roller coaster- for both child and parent Parents magazine offers some tips for making the process a little easier. Five essential skills that help children relate to others, respond to their own feelings, and negotiate conflict to help build lasting personal relationships and succeed in school.

When your child managed to wrestle her own tights on, or propeled her fork to her lips without bouncing bunny-shaped macaroni onto the carpet, you felt a surge of pride: She learned to do for herself. And when she gets a little older and tackles her homework without being hounded or teaches you how to set your preferences on your new Pda, you want to cry with gratitude.

Kids these days, as they might put it, have mad skillz. But don't let them stop there -- they need to master more than self-care and smartphones to be both happy and successful in life. Being able to control impulses, delay gratification, and identify and manage feelings are all skills that fall under the category of emotional intelligence. Social intelligence is all about being able to relate to others, respond to their feelings and cues, and negotiate conflicts. Learning these techniques is important not only so your kids will have friends to complain about their parents to, but also so that they can do well in school. Here are five such skills you can help your child develop that will set him or her up for life.

How to be a loser

No mom wants her child to be a loser in the good-at-nothing, eating-lunch-alone, social-outcast sense of the word. But literally learning how to lose at something, handle it, and then bounce back is critical to beng happy. Think about it: Losing a race or game is nice training for when he doesn't get into the college he wanted.

Most children tend to take losing in stride. One reason some still don't is that tween children can become so focused on the outcome of a process (getting to sit next to a friend, being chosen first for a team, scoring the highest) that they lose sight of what's fun along the way, says Pam Schiller, Ph.D., author of Seven Skills for School Success. The trick is to get their eyes off the prize. If your child loses a ball game, for example, Schiller suggests saying, "So you didn't win. Let's talk about some of the other things that happened. Did you enjoy getting out there and playing with the other guys on your team? Did you enjoy the other parents cheering for you? Did you enjoy being outside?" The goal, Schiller emphasizes, is to "take them away from the idea that if they didn't win, it wasn't any fun."

How to be a joiner

You don't want your child to be indistinguishable from the flock, but knowing how to join in an activity or a preexisting group -- rather than sitting on the sidelines -- is good training for the future. In every aspect of life, she's going to have to work in a group, on school projects or at a job. Kids and adults are frequently thrown together with people they might not ordinarily choose, and they need to be able to negotiate different ideas and realize that others have important things to contribute, too. Leaders are often the ones who are able to glue a team together.

School-age kids usually have the nonverbal signals down but tend toward black-and-white thinking, notes Shapiro. If your child says, "But nobody likes me," help her focus on the kids who do. She may just need help choosing the right group to join, rather than constantly knocking on closed doors. "What parents don't realize is that kids do well with kids who are like them," says Shapiro. If your child is shy, pair her off with other shy kids; if she's into Star Wars, steer her to other kids who like Star Wars. "Friendship skills are learned through practice, and you can help her find the right kinds of friends to practice on," he adds.

How to fight for what's right

Being the defender of someone lower on the social food chain than you is enormously scary -- it can feel as though your entire social survival is at stake, which is why almost all kids need help to do so. Having both the confidence and the moral judgment to not only refuse to join in when another kid is being teased but also walk away or -- even better -- verbally stand up for that person involves a few different skills: empathy (understanding that the victim is being hurt), the ability to strategize (that is, to devise a course of action), and the savvy to anticipate what the other kids will do.

The stakes are quite a bit higher for school-age children who now have cliques and BFFs they feel they need to be loyal to. Plus, it's no longer cool to go running to a teacher or parent for help after age 6 or 7. That's why it becomes important to give your child some in-the-moment strategies to cope with "groupthink," emphasizes Rich. Start by doing a postmortem: Ask her for a blow-by-blow of a painful incident, one in which your child didn't know what to do, then brainstorm ideas for when a similar situation arises in the future. "Talk about what sort of response feels comfortable to her, and ask her to come up with different ideas," says Rich. That might mean creating a distraction if that will take the focus off the person being targeted; inviting the person getting teased to play something apart from the group; or consoling the aggrieved party after the fact, and standing up to the teaser later. "

How to be a good actor

Being the Streep or the De niro of the playground means knowing which emotions to reveal and which ones are better kept under wraps, to be expressed later. It also means learning how to be less than honest at times for the sake of others' feelings. You will no doubt teach your child to say to his well-meaning great-aunt who didn't get him a Wii game, "Thank you, I can really use these thermal socks," even though the emotion he's actually feeling is complete and utter disappointment. That's called being polite. The same principle can apply when he's dealing with other kids, says Rich.

Explain why "acting" can be to his advantage. For instance, "Everybody gets teased sometimes, but if you don't let on to the bully that he's pushing your buttons, he'll stop. Instead of showing that you're upset, you roll your eyes and walk away." The important thing at this age, notes Shapiro, is to help your child discern between telling a white lie for the right reasons and the wrong ones. When your child is asked "How does my hair look?" it's hurtful to respond "Awful!" even if that's what he really thinks, explains Shapiro. He needs to recognize that a response like "Fine" or even "Good, but I really like it when you wear a ponytail" is the tactful and empathetic approach. But when you ask him "Did you finish your project?" saying yes when he didn't is the wrong kind of faking it -- you can't gild the lily to get away with something.

How to question authority

When you're at your wit's end, a child who does what you tell him to do is certainly a blessing. But a kid who questions authority -- and manages to do so respectfully and effectively -- is a kid who will do well for himself in the long run. The boy who can make a polite and compelling case for why he needs to, say, get the black high-tops everyone else has instead of the dorky white ones is more likely to get his way, and to do so without angering the holder of the purse strings in the process. This is a child who will grow up to be someone other adults respect and want to negotiate with.

When talking about things that are up for negotiation -- like whether you'll take your daughter and her seven BFFs to Burger Mania or the Pizza Palace for dinner -- use phrases like "I've got an idea…," "What if…," or "What would happen if we tried …," which encourages her to do the same. "It's all about giving kids the right language to interject their thoughts without being offensive," explains Schiller. "Some kids are too afraid to question a parent or the teacher and they never find out they've got it inside them to do that." So avoid a my-way-or-the-highway attitude whenever you can, even if you're not going to grant her request.

These are excellent tools. Watching my own children and 100's of my students, I am convinced that good social skills determine success in school and later, success in life. Chrissie

Loving our Teen

When your kids are little, parenthood is pretty much a contact sport -- a nonstop marathon of smooching and snuggling. Fast-forward to their teen years, and it's an entirely different story. Take that 13-year-old, for example. You used to put his sweet little baby toes in your mouth just to make him giggle. Now he not only has a pair of huge hairy man feet, but all those tender moments -- including those times he rests his chin on the top of your head, just to show how tall he is-happen entirely on his terms.

We shouldn't let those cold shoulders fool us. Kids not only want us to reach out to them, but also need constant reminders that we care. What follows is a great explanation of this teen phenomenon.

"Teenagers know that they're often no fun to be around," says Dan Kindlon, PhD, a child psychology professor at Harvard University. "But they still want you to love them -- and want you to show it." Remember that hold-me-close-now-let-me-go dance your toddler did on the playground, racing away from you to swing or slide, but zooming back to the mother ship for reassurance? "It's the exact same dance," Kindlon says. "It's just that teens go away further, and stay away longer." This distancing, which is vital to becoming independent, typically starts in the tween years, when kids start to walk 20 feet ahead of you in a parking lot and race up to their room and shut the door the minute they get home.

Few teens manage this push-me/pull-you stage gracefully, and parents, especially moms, wind up feeling hurt. So we get too adamant about that goodbye kiss, setting up power struggles. Or we withdraw, rejecting kids in ways that can hurt and confuse them. Finding a middle ground gets harder and harder.

But it's important to keep in touch, and not just physically. Parents need to ask kids about their friends, listen when they wail about school, and make lasagna or shoot hoops when they're down in the dumps -- all those gestures that psychologists lump under a big umbrella called parental warmth. Without that daily shelter, teens have a much tougher time learning social skills and building self-esteem. Moms and dads also need those close moments with their teens to avoid getting overly focused on all the daily hassles and skirmishes, whether it's insisting they can't wear cutoffs to school or don't have dibs on the car radio. Following, some expert advice on smart ways to show affection to your oh-so-aloof kids. And not to worry -- before you know it, your 18-year-old will navigate his way to independence and make a beeline back to you.

Seven Steps to Staying Close

When your kid starts insisting you keep your distance -- in my house, that involves eye rolling, mock gagging or the ultra-offensive "eww, get away from me!" -- relax. You can show your teens you love them while still giving them space.

1. Let your kids go. Hard as it can be, it's important to accept the fact that once your teen starts pulling away, he's in charge, not you. He'll come back when he needs to -- and you should be there for him." To make things easier, talk to your teens about what's happening. "Tell them you understand why they need to keep their distance," says Glenn Roisman, PhD, "and that it's okay because you're entering a new phase of your relationship."

2. Respect your teen's rep. When kids are hanging with their friends, it's important they look cool. Don't mess that up with any displays of affection -- which are certain to be rebuffed-in front of your children's peers. Hugs can wait until no one else is around.

3. Start new routines. The days of tucking them into bed at night or waking them up with a kiss may be long gone, but that doesn't mean you can't find clever ways to start some new show-your-love rituals. Try blowing a bedtime kiss through their door. Or pat them on the back when you hand them lunch money in the morning. Playfully insist on a smooch every time you hand over the car keys. The point is making an affectionate gesture habit, which they'll come to rely on even if they act like they hate it.

4. Find affection alternatives. Parents, especially dads, modify the ways they show affection to their teens. Chances are you've already figured out that rumpling your daughter's hair is out of the question, so experiment. Try an occasional hip check by the kitchen sink or a back scratch while she's at the computer. Games -- whether it's touch football or flicking each other with wet dishrags -- offer parents a chance to stay physical with both boys and girls.

5. Chill their way. Flop down on the couch next to your teen, even if it means you have to endure Jersey Shore or MTV. You might not be able to hug it out, but sitting shoulder-to-shoulder and sharing a laugh can be the next best thing.

6. Pick your moments. Your teen may brush off most of your overtures, but there are always unexpected times when she feels especially vulnerable -- overwhelmed by calculus, for example, or after a fight with her best friend. Seize the moment. She might not ask for it, but she'd really love a reassuring arm around the shoulder.

7. Remember, showing up matters most. When raising teens being actively engaged in their daily lives trumps everything. That means rooting from the bleachers at basketball games, eating dinner together most nights, and really listening -- on their terms, not yours -- without judgment. chrissie

Have You Done Your Homework?

School has started. Back to schedules, activities and homework. If your child has moved on to middle school, homework assignments are more rigorous and take more time. Getting your tween acclimated and committed to the process is important. Here's a few tips from the pros to make school work at home as successful endeavor for your tween.

Barring schedule-busters like after-school activities, your child should try to do her homework at the same time every day. . In figuring out the optimal time, consider the family schedule and your child's temperament. Most kids need a chance to decompress after school, and many work more efficiently following physical activity. In fact, research shows that exercise can actually increase a child's concentration.

Once you've nailed the time, create a dedicated study space. Having a consistent spot helps kids switch into study mode. One way to provide a quiet environment is by making study time a family affair. If possible, have siblings do their work at the same time, while you sit nearby with "homework" of your own such as bill-paying, reading, catching up on e-mail, or folding laundry. If you seem engaged by whatever you're doing, your kid will likely catch the vibe. Making a rule that the TV/video games stay off until everyone in the family is finished will keep your child focused and on task. This is the rule changer. You've got to keep the televisions, cell-phones and ipods off.

Middle school kids will usually require at least some assistance. But before you decide how much help to offer, check with your child's teacher. Most prefer that kids work mainly on their own so that homework can be used as a gauge of progress. That means restraining yourself from correcting your child's spelling or figuring out the math problem for him. On the other hand, reading his work over and challenging him to find the three misspelled words you discovered is a good way to get him into the habit of checking over his stuff.

It's also never too early to teach the value of research: Demonstrate how to find answers in reference books like dictionaries, online, and in atlases. Or look for real-world solutions. The more you foster the idea of homework as a time for independent exploration, the more kids are going to enjoy learning. Enjoy learning as pro-active and critical thinking activity.

Striving to get things right is admirable, but make sure your child knows that it is impossible to be perfect. If she's driving herself crazy with self-criticism, go over each assignment and agree on how long she should spend and help her stick to that schedule. If necessary, arrange a conference with the teacher, who can explain to your child that homework is practice, not perfection.

If, despite your best efforts, your tween stubbornly refuses to do his homework, you need to get to the bottom of things. "It might seem like an attitude problem, but his reluctance may be a sign that he's having difficulty with the material," says Jed Baker, PhD, author of No More Meltdowns. Talk to his teacher about how he's doing in class; if he's struggling there too, he may need extra help in general. If he's simply homework-averse, try breaking up the assignment into smaller tasks and challenging him to get through at least one. Once he reaches his initial goal, momentum might just carry him through to the end.

Don't forget that all kids will be pleased to hear some heartfelt support for getting their work done. Your recognition of their effort -- even if it doesn't result in an "A" -- is the greatest incentive of all and a powerful way to communicate the importance of trying their best. chrissie