Hello. It's Me

Over the decades, Good Housekeeping has offered tips on everything from dealing with teething to taming spirited teens. Here, Good Housekeeping shares their wisdom, including stopping the back talk and talking so teens will listen.  Just imagine.  Eye contact and a conversation! 

Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#1. Set Clear Rules

Figure out what's most important to you (No put-downs? No muttering? No condescending gazes?) and announce the rules to all members of the family. Post them in the kitchen for future reference, if need be.
Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#2. Decide Not to Take It

Parents who refuse to tolerate rude behavior tend to have kids who - you guessed it - aren't rude. Dole out consequences.

Stop the Back Talk Strategy
#3. Don't Get Into the Act

Sure, it's tempting to toss back a zinger to show the offending child how it feels, but bite your tongue and set an excellent example instead. Don't stoop to their maturity level. Model adult behavior so your child will have something positive to emulate.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#1. Ask Questions

Ask questions rather than dictating solutions. For instance, try, "Do you think you'll be able to get the whole project done in two nights?"rather than, "You have to start your science project now?" Questions encourage kids to think for themselves (good thing) and give them the sense you trust them.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#2. Take a Collaborative Approach

Try the let's collaborate approach. Explain what you're worried about (maybe he's staying up too late) and say something like, "I've noticed you're having trouble getting up in the morning. What do you think would help you feel more rested?" Let him try his suggestions; then, if they don't work, share yours. Open ended is the way to go when making suggestions.

Talk So Teens Will Listen Strategy
#3. Weave Advice into Everyday Conversations

A formal "Come here; we need to talk" approach usually doesn't work. Instead, catch kids when they're feeling chatty and pay attention to the times of day when they open up naturally - for some it's after school, for others it's before bed. You know your teen. 
Good communication is one of the most important skills we can have as a parent. If you and your teen are seeming to not understand one another, try some of the tips above to reconnect and renew your relationship.  Happy October.  Chrissie

I'm Listening

Everyone knows those intuitive people who seem to know how we are feeling. They say the right things. They make us feel better by how they react and by what their responses are. These folks don't think they have all the answers, they just know the right questions. You feel like they can be trusted and have your welfare at heart. It's easy to open up and share. Those parents trying to communicate with teenagers could take a cue from these emotional experts. Its a new year. Here are some tips to work on better relationships with our children in 2011.

Be Sensitive
These parents pick up cues from their teen and sense how the children are feeling. These parents listen and empathize. Notice that word that keeps cropping up-Listen. It's a good thing to remember.

Be Responsive
These parents respond in ways that fit their child's cues. If the teen is frightened, they comfort him. If he's intense, they calm him. If she's insecure, they reassure her. But they don't excuse disrespectful behavior. Their limits are clear and enforced.

Reciprocal
There is give-and-take in the relationship. The parent respects the child's emotions and teaches him to consider thoughtfully the emotions of others. Empathy is an important life skill for everyone. Self-centered and me centered is counter-productive to all.

Supportive and Encouraging
They understand that learning to manage one's emotions takes time and effort. They support and encourage their child as he practices self-control and common sense. Handling stress, heartaches and disappointments in a positive and constructive way is a goal for all of us.

You know the old adage, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results". If communication seems to have broken down in your home, identify what is definitely not working. Make a list and keep it handy. When an incident happens, examine the list and address a different way to handle the situation. This may seem simplistic but writing it down is a mechanical way that separates the emotions from the incident.

These simple actions enhance teen development, foster a positive sense of self-esteem, and, most important, keep you and yours talking. And that's a goal to work toward as a parent. It won't insure smooth sailing all the time, but communicating effectively makes those "teen" years a little less daunting. Chrissie

Harpie. Banshee..... Mom??

Remember how you knew by your Mom's tone of voice if you were in trouble? If she was frustrated, tired, frightened or angry? I remember the sound of my Mother's voice as she called up the stairs. A simple request was even and quiet, a confrontation or disagreement was emotional and took the air out of the room.

Sometimes my own tone of voice can sometimes put others off, express impatience, or even indicate feelings that I'm not consciously aware of. I can try to verbalize something in a neutral way but my intonation and tone gives away my true feelings. It helps to hear myself as others hear me. And sometimes it isn't pretty. It shocks me to think that I sound like that at times. I see I still have a lot of work to do - on me.

This may raise a good question for each of us to consider: what's a major shortcoming in the way we interact with others? Perhaps we don’t listen very carefully, or we interrupt people, or we each think we have the right answer. Maybe our shortcoming isn't on the communication front, but we are a procrastinator, or we are disorganized, or we exaggerate so much people aren't sure when we are being accurate or honest. This is important here as we discuss parenting teenagers because I can be pretty sure that this short-coming shows up in our parenting. So now, as we tune into it, we have an opportunity to address it.

Our children are reflections of us in many ways. If we don’t pick up on our shortcomings on our own, we may see them in our child's behavior. We may not recognize it right away, but it is likely that some of the behavior witnessed from our teenager - the behavior that we find most irritating or worrisome, even - is behavior that s/he has learned from us. Let's try to look more objectively at our teenager and consider where they see that behavior being modeled. Oh- and we need to be sure to take a good long look in the mirror.

If we don’t like what we see, take note. Hear ourselves. And make a change. Chrissie

Yakkety Yak- Don't Talk Back

Do you feel like you and your teen are not speaking the same language? Does it seem like anything you say bounces off a blank wall? Has the child who hung on your every word now been replaced with a adolescent who listens to nothing you say? If you are wanting to see some changes in your relationship with your teen, communication may be the single most important place to focus, for communication is the key to your success. For every conversation, we have a choice in the language we use and in our approach. What, oh what, are our choices??

Sue Blaney, http://www.pleasestoptherollercoaster.com, offers 5 tactics that she guarantees will help us see some changes for the better:

Be brief. This tip is simple, straightforward and effective. Less is more when it comes to getting your point across with your teenager. When you hear yourself winding up and carrying on, tell yourself to stop. Make the point and end the conversation.

No lectures. Discussions are good; lectures turn your kids off. Effective communication includes give and take. Your most effective approach with a teenager will get him thinking, talking, and contributing. While there are times what you say goes. (see tip above), avoid getting on your soapbox and lecturing. (I personally love my soapbox and I am so good at posturing! -C)

Use silence. Pause after you ask a question, then wait for the answer. This tactic, while appearing simple and obvious is one that many parents neglect to use. It is a common mistake to jump in, solve problems for your child and direct too much; parental actions which actually work against you and your teen. Better to exhibit patience and see what she has to say for herself. (the trick here is a positive silence, not a sullen one!-c)

Use specific action words rather than abstract terms. Teens, just like when they were little, are pretty concrete in their thinking. It helps to use concrete and clear language. Whether you are providing guidance, discussing rules or expectations, or helping your teen sort through an issue with a teacher or friends, in most discussions try to use language that is specific and tangible. ("If you break curfew, you will be grounded," not, "if you break curfew, there will consequences too horrible to fathom."-c)

Tune into the feelings even more than the words. As you are interacting with your teenager, consciously try to identify the emotion he is feeling as that may be far more important to respond to than the words. Recognize his underlying emotion and respond to that appropriately. This tactic alone can shift your communication into a realm that is far more satisfying and real for your teen, helping him feel that you are seeing and understanding him at a new, more meaningful level. (tune in to what you already know, but perhaps have forgotten to utilize- that parent radar. -c)

These aren't the only strategies and tactics that can help you improve communication with your teenager... but if you concentrate on these five you can build some new habits that will yield helpful results.

Sue Blaney has some practical and easy to implement suggestions for opening up those lines of communication between parents and teens. I don't know.....it may be difficult to give up a parent's favorite argument, "Because I said so!!!" Enjoy the sunshine-chrissie

I Feel Your Pain

Everyone knows those intuitive people who seem to know how we are feeling. They say the right things. They make us feel better by how they react and by what their responses are. These folks don't think they have all the answers, they just know the right questions. You feel like they can be trusted and have your welfare at heart. It's easy to open up and share. Those parents trying to communicate with teenagers could take a cue from these emotional experts. Here are some tips to work on better relationships with our children.

Be Sensitive
These parents pick up cues from their teen and sense how the children are feeling. These parents listen and empathize. Notice that word that keeps cropping up-Listen. It's a good thing to remember.

Be Responsive
These parents respond in ways that fit their child's cues. If the teen is frightened, they comfort him. If he's intense, they calm him. If she's insecure, they reassure her. But they don't excuse disrespectful behavior. Their limits are clear and enforced.

Reciprocal
There is give-and-take in the relationship. The parent respects the child's emotions and teaches him to consider thoughtfully the emotions of others. Empathy is an important life skill for everyone. Self-centered and me centered is counter-productive to all.

Supportive and Encouraging
They understand that learning to manage one's emotions takes time and effort. They support and encourage their child as he practices self-control and common sense. Handling stress, heartaches and disappointments in a positive and constructive way is a goal for all of us.

You know the old adage, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results". If communication seems to have broken down in your home, identify what is definitely not working. Make a list and keep it handy. When an incident happens, examine the list and address a different way to handle the situation. This may seem simplistic but writing it down is a mechanical way that separates the emotions from the incident.

These simple actions enhance teen development, foster a positive sense of self-esteem, and, most important, keep you and yours talking. And that's a goal to work toward as a parent. It won't insure smooth sailing all the time, but communicating effectively makes those "teen" years a little less daunting. Chrissie

The Care and Feeding Of Parents

It's universal and timeless. When parents and teenagers come together, things can go south in a hurry. As parents, we wonder why teenagers say and do- what they say and do. The big question is, how best to deal with these youngsters in the throes of adolescence. James Herring, a family counselor based in Tallahassee, Florida has turned the psychological tables, counseling teenagers on why parents say and do - what they say and do, and how best to deal with adults in the throes of parenthood.

"These are things kids can do for the care and feeding of their parents," said Herring, author and nationally syndicated columnist. "Basically, I'm telling them that if you want your parents off your back, here are some strategies to do it." Directing advice toward teens rather than parents isn't something you hear much about, but it's a great way for young people to learn how to communicate and compromise. I was intrigued by the premise.

This method teaches teens how to negotiate. It teaches life skills. Kids learn to assess not only what they want but what other people's needs are and how to identify the situation. Sure, asking teenagers to tune in to their parents is a tall order. But the usual teen strategy of wearing parents down to get their way creates discord and tension on both sides. Walls go up instead of down.

Herring advises teens, "If you're obnoxious enough for long enough you may get your way, but ultimately it backfires. You've learned how to push people, but in the long run it creates resentment. It'll blow up." One of his most important strategies for taming parents is recognizing when conditions are ideal for negotiating or more importantly, when they're not ideal. Discuss chores, allowances, curfew changes, going-out privileges, whatever, during times of good feelings. Don't even think about demanding a later curfew while heading out the door or try to renegotiate household rules in the middle of a parental lecture.

A better strategy? Pick low-stress times for a discussion, while helping wash the dishes after dinner, for instance, or when it's just you and your parent in the car. Another tip? Be realistic. You should know your family's values well enough to realize that some things aren't negotiable .

If you find yourself complaining about nagging parents, ask yourself this question. How long have you known your parents? Based on those 15 or so years, can't you kind of predict what's important to them and what's going to bug them? "Contrary to popular belief, parents don't stay up at night thinking, `How many ways can I torture them tomorrow?" Herring said.

More advice to teens? Pick a thing you and your parents disagree about. Get ahead of the situation and do it, or fix it,or change it, before they even say anything. Enjoy the shock and confusion on their faces. Reap the benefits of compromise.

Consider Perspectives
In your eyes, you're all grown up. In your parents' eyes, you're the same person they once held in their arms. Understand that it's wonderful but also hard for your parents to see you grow up. If they treat you like a kid sometimes, realize the perspective they're bringing to the situation, then negotiate. Also, their advanced years inform them in ways you can't know yet. Consider the helicopter analogy: When you're 15, you view the world from a helicopter 15 feet off the ground. When you're hovering 40 feet off the ground, things look a lot different. Pitfalls and dangers are more obvious due to those "life" experiences.

Use Parents as Resources
Your parents are not the enemy. In fact, they are loaded with information. Pick their brains about any number of topics, from getting along with certain people to getting your first job. Plus, you make them feel good just by asking their advice. Who doesn't want to feel as though they have some wisdom to impart?

Cough Up an Anecdote
Your parents are interested in you, so you know it's going to happen: They will ask you about your day. If you handle it the wrong way, the conversation will go like this: How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Oh, you must have done something. Aaugh! Don't have that exchange. Instead, throw them a bone. Pick out one thing from your day and tell them all about it. That will satiate them for a while and keeps the lines of communication open between both of you.

Provide the W's Up Front
When you're heading out to be with friends, you already know the details your parents must have. Where are you going? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with? When will you be home? Don't consider this an intrusion. It's actually your ticket to freedom. Consistently -and honestly - supply this information and the more your parents will let you do. Fill in the blanks and avoid the interrogation. Build trust.

You want to be more and more in charge of yourself, and guess what? That's what your parents want, too. This one is a "gimme." The more you show you can be trusted, the more freedom you will have. Ask yourself a question: Is what I'm doing something that will build trust or something that will break trust? In a family, trust is a commodity that gives a teen more freedom and gives parents the best gift of all. Peace of mind.

Sunrise Sunset -Please!!!

I found a great blog site by a young woman named Vanessa VanPatten. Her insight can be helpful to parents and teens alike. She works with both groups to bring them closer. Vanessa writes from a not too far removed teen perspective (She's only 22) and a trained and educated parenting perspective. Her site is http://www.vanessavanpatten.com/

She writes- For parents: "Hang in there. Don't give up" . She wants parents of teens to know that their kids will "come back." Vanessa, too, went through a tumultuous time with her parents, and she remembers the pain of it. When she sees other families in the midst of a painful or dysfunctional period she knows that parents wonder if they will ever get through it...the negativity, the challenges, the bad behavior. Vanessa's not only seen it all, she's experienced it. Now, a young adult, she offers hope to parents and reinforces their efforts to listen and connect.

Another suggestions for parents is to facilitate and support your teen's relationships with other adults. "A good mentor can make a big difference to a teenager and provide adult guidance when a parent is not able to get through." She attributes some of her success to the positive mentors she had in a dance instructor and an older cousin. Think coaches, teachers, or counselors. She also suggests staying connected and communicating with other parents. There is definitely strength in numbers and less "nobody else has such an early curfew!" if all parents are on the same page.

For teenagers: "Strive for balance." If you are overly-stressed because of too many commitments or in response to high expectations, find time to take care of yourself, even if it means giving a little less effort to responsibilities. In reverse, if you are slacking and short changing yourself and your potential, get a grip and get focused. If school has you worried, identify why and find a solution. Tutors, study groups, meeting with teachers, time management...solve the problem, don't stress over it. If you are a big partier, party a little less, and be a little more responsible. If your physical or mental health is an issue, make yourself a priority. Diet, exercise, nutrition, counseling..take control and take charge of your own body. If relationships have got you bugged, change patterns and change your life. Big swings seem to be prevalent in teens lives, and learning to balance is the way to even things out.

My own observation has been that even when kids go through a rocky time, those that have good roots and a strong home life do seem to rebound back and straighten out. Functioning and contributing young adults are very successfully navigating this part of their lives - though their earlier years were rocky and unpredictable. Parents who were tearing their hair out and wringing their hands five years ago are now reaping the benefits of hanging in there and (come heck or high water) loving their headstrong teen unconditionally. Teens do grow up and many do grow out of those stages that seemed so daunting and confusing to their family. Eureka- a loving and contributing human type person miraculously reappears! That flesh of your flesh and blood of your blood returns to the fold. That familiar person you knew and loved stands before you. Behold. Your son or your daughter.

Talk to Me

Remember how we communicated as kids? The old Dixie cups and a piece of string, stretched taut and tight. Our gang could never quite hear each other through them and ended up yelling back and forth. Upscale were the Walkie Talkies. They had a a range of about "out of earshot" and often there was more static than actual conversation. My brothers and neighborhood boys devised an elaborate signal system, using flags and secret symbols. I had a Brownie book that detailed how to make invisible ink using lemon juice. The message was revealed by holding the paper over a candle. Paula Bower and I promptly caught the carpet on fire.

Sometimes communicating with our teenagers seems just as difficult. Not only are the messages hard to decipher, the other participant seems less than willing to share the codes. What follows are some proven tools to help us (parents) communicate more effectively with them (adolescents). Thanks to Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Roller-Coaster for the insight and suggestions.

Focus on connection more than communication
You're the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way
Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times
Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen's body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends behavior, etc
It is okay to negotiate on negotiable topics
Allow her to express her opinions
Treat him with respect no matter what
Invest in the emotional bank account you share

But what about when courteous listening and responding on the adult end is met with total opposition in return? Sure, we are to be the mature side, but it is difficult to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal slap in the face. Turning the other cheek is sometimes a hard thing to do. Your feelings deserve respect too.

When teens are non-communicative or very negative with us over a period of time, we need to explore if:
This child is in trouble and is in need of intervention
We are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
It is time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior
It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours

The million dollar question? Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? Blaney offers the following:
* Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, is with his parents.
* It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
*He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he does not understand or can't handle.
* He may be dealing with serious issues at school.
* He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself.
*He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable to do so.

If your parent radar is going off and the behavior seems more than normal- Evaluate your teen's behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity - How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior?

To gather information, "circle the wagons". Look to other adults in your child's life. Contact counselors, teachers and coaches. Speak with your youth pastor, adult friends, family-find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy.

Assess your family dynamics. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown.

The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting would be helpful. Schedule it in advance. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members.

Most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. Raising teens is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be lived. Children are a long term investment. With unconditional love and with practiced patience, weathering this storm of adolescence will reap benefits that last a lifetime.

"What Do You Think I Said?"

Doesn't it seem like tweens and teens don't hear what we are trying to say to them? They get defensive and confrontational over what seem to be innocuous and harmless comments. Well, there may really be an explanation for this mis-communication. Cynthia Dermody, in a recent Reader's Digest article, explains; "Young brains are still developing through the teen years, and kids can't be expected to process words, context and nuance (sarcasm for instance) the same way that an adult's brain does. Common words and phrases, no matter how well-intended, can do emotional and psychological harm." Yikes! Something else for a parent to beat themselves up about.

Dermody continues; "If you want children to grow up into the best possible version of themselves, it's crucial to replace damaging words in your vocabulary with alternatives that help build character." Damaging? Crucial? Building character? What follows are five examples of common mistakes and the alternatives to help get the message across in a better way.

1. What we say "You're the best!"
What they hear "Your job in life is to make me happy."
A better way to say it. "You should be proud of how hard you worked."

Ok. For years we have been told that boosting a child's self esteem is important to his/her success in life. But child experts are learning that too much praise can backfire.
Praise-aholic children may become teens who seek the same kind of approval from their friends when offered a joint or asked if they want to get in the backseat of a car. The implication of saying "You're the prettiest" or talking about a goal scored but not the overall effort is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the best and achieves the most. Over praising also carries over into the classroom. A recent study at Columbia found that out of 400 5th graders, the "Trying Hard" group scored better and were more willing to take on difficult and challenging assignments that the "Best and Smartest" group. Praising attributes or abilities make a false promise. It devalues effort. Children are afraid to take on new challenges. And later, real life never duplicates the fawning praise received early on.

2. What you say "Watch your language."
What they hear "I've tuned out what you are trying to say."
A better way to say it "I'm so glad you came to talk to me but I have one request for the future. I find that word offensive so please don't use it."

A good example is, "That sucks." Child psychologist, Vicki Panaccione advises a more lenient approach to contemporary jargon. This is the way modern kids talk; they are not trying to be disrespectful. They are trying to tell us something. When parents shift the focus to the words themselves, the point of the talk may be lost forever and the teen shuts down. This is the last thing we want. She advises the time for talking about offensive language is at the end of the real discussion.

3. What you say "We can't afford that."
What they hear "Money is the answer to everything."
A better way to say it " The store is filled with great things today, but we've got lots at home already and we're not going to bring home anything more."

Does your child really need one more video game or purse? Of course not. But by repeatedly saying money is the only reason he or she can't have something, the parent may be sending the message that money is the source of all good things in life. Couple that with our consumer society and our kids will never get the meaning of excess or gratitude. A better solution? Sit down and work out together how the purchase can happen-improved grades, extra chores, saving allowance....The process of talking it through and understanding a responsible monetary transaction matters more than how much each contributes.

4. What you say "Don't worry. It will be okay."
What they hear "You're such a drama queen."
A better way to say it "I totally understand what you must have gone through. Tell me
about it."
When a child comes home upset and distraught, it seem natural to downplay his disappointment and offer consolation. As an adult, we know the setback is minor. Pancionne says, "Kids need to know, however, how to express feelings, work through them and move on, as opposed to just making them go away without expression. If children feel that they shouldn't have feelings, they might lock them inside and fail to adopt healthy coping strategies."
On the other hand, kids shouldn't wallow in bad feelings. A question like, "Why do you think this happened?" or "What can you do to make it better?" may give them the nudge to deal with the situation on their own.
Believe it or not, studies find a parent gives more comfort by listening than talking. But, we always have so much to say!!!!

5. What we say "Why did you miss your curfew, leave dirty dishes, fail the test, etc?"
What they hear "You messed up again."
A better way to say it " My guess is you missed your curfew because you were having fun and didn't want to come home, but that's still not okay. "

Child psychologists say parents ask too many questions. (Isn't that our job?) Professionals maintain we need to just tell our kids when they mess up. No more "all around the mulberry bush"- deal with the issue straight on. Doing so instills a sense of guilt which lays the foundation for a sturdy conscience. Children take comfort in the fact that their parents see all and know all. Better to say you are aware of that they did, or at least make a guess of it, and then explain why it was a bad idea. If you're wrong, you'll be corrected quickly. And that can be the starting point for a productive dialogue. One note- once the issue and it's consequence is discussed, let it go. No bringing it up over and over. Proceed with life as you both knew it before the infraction!

What we say to our children may seem harmless and constructive. The five examples above give us something to think about before we open our mouths again. While questioning if we are nurturing them with our words, I know kids can be nurtured with the following recipe. Sometimes after a misunderstanding, nothing says lovin like something from the oven!!!

Sandi Rosson's Decadent & Delicious Sopaipilla Cheesecake
2 cans crescent rolls
2 (8 oz) cream cheese softened
1 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp almond extract
1 stick butter, cut into little pieces
3/4 to 1 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
Grease a 9 x13 baking dish. Unroll and line 1 pkg crescent rolls in pan. Cream sugar, cream cheese, vanilla and almond. Spread on top of crescent crust. Top with second can of rolls. Dot with butter and sprinkle cinnamon and second sugar mixture. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until golden brown.
Serve warm. Totally decadent and delicious. You will all be so busy eating, no one will have to say anything!!! Note: To redeem the dessert a little, you could serve with fresh fruit such as sliced strawberries or blueberries.

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