"I Think I Can-I Think I Can"

I am not much of a baseball fan but one player stands out, even to me. The Baltimore Orioles - Cal Ripken. Should you be one of the statistically uneducated ( as I am) - here are the stats. Ripken earned the nickname "Iron Man", doggedly remaining in the lineup, despite numerous minor injuries. He played in a record 2,632 straight games spanning sixteen seasons, from May 30, 1982 to September 20, 1998. He played his 2131st consecutive game on September 6, 1995, against the California Angels, breaking the 56-year-old record set by the "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig, the legendary New York Yankees first baseman. Ripken hit a home run in game 2130 and game 2131, moving fans to the point that his 2131st consecutive game was named Major League Baseball's "Most Memorable Moment" in MLB history. Ripken was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility on January 9, 2007.

Ripken channeled his passion and love of the game into a legend. (sans PR People and sans entourage) . He didn't grandstand and he didn't cheat to be stronger. He did his job day after day and performed with pride and honor. Ripken gracefully retired when it was time and has gone on to inspire another generation of athletes through his athletic camps and through the foundation named in honor of his Father, Cal Ripken Sr. Ripken generously supports Lou Gehrig Disease Research, in honor of the player whose record he broke.

Ripken's name has become synonymous with strength, character, endurance and integrity. His philosophy of working hard, playing with passion and enjoying the game has made a tremendous impact on the sport and on fans everywhere. Ripken said , "As long as I can compete, I won't quit. Reaching three-thousand is not the finish line as long as I can contribute. I haven't given it (achieving 3,000 hits) much thought. I was taught a certain approach, how to come to the ballpark. I try not to do too much thinking about things like that. I just come out every day and do my job"

Players and others on Cal Ripken Jr.

"Cal is a bridge, maybe the last bridge, back to the way the game was played. Hitting home runs and all that other good stuff is not enough. It's how you handle yourself in all the good times and bad times that matters. That's what Cal showed us. Being a star is not enough. He showed us how to be more." - Joe Torre

It's one of the great achievements in the history of sports. Cal Ripken embodies all that the Orioles stand for, all that Baltimore stands for and, really, all that this country stands for in terms of his dedication and work ethic." - Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos

"He is the man. He is the man." -Sammy Sosa

"I admire him not only for his talent, but for his constant determination day in and day out. He's been loyal to his team, his fans, the community and professional sports every phase of his career. His determination and talent has been great for baseball and America." -President Clinton

"I'm honored to be on the same fields as him."- Alex Rodriguez

This next generation must know that there are no magic pills. There are no short cuts. Free Agents are not going to drop from the sky to offer Gazillion Dollar sports contracts. Odds are that American Idol will not make a Carrie Underwood out of every young aspiring singer. No matter what is advertised, millionaires are not eagerly waiting to meet and marry blushing brides -to -be.

Recruiters with large signing bonuses will not be waiting in line to hire most of this year's college graduates. Those "academically exhausted" who just want to get out of high school and get a job will be sorely disappointed at the opportunities offered without a college degree. And pity the misdirected eager beavers who abandon even a high school education. Prospects are less than promising for high school dropouts. Can you say, "Would you like fries with that?" Only men and women with drive and ambition will find success, no matter where they start.

In our eagerness to "make all kids feel good", we are shortchanging these young adults. Giving kids shortcuts and mulligans doesn't do them a favor. Accountability and expectations are a better model. With these expectations, allowing children to fail should also be in the loop. If handled right, failure and disappointment should lay the foundation for tenacity and drive. If we raise a generation that is always allowed to succeed; a generation that is not allowed competition; a generation that is not graded on their endeavors; what kind of adults will they be? I see a population of men and women scratching their heads and shaking their fists at the sky. They are puzzled. Confused. Inept. Frustrated. Incapable of earning a living or making a life.

Thanks Cal. You've got to get the ball thrown at you a few times to make a home run. The lucky ones know when to run and how to duck.

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Give Me Just A Little More Time

It seems Mel and I bounce around on both ends of the parenting spectrum. My last entry was about parents who hover and fight all their children's battles. This week I was stopped by a Mom who was concerned about a rocky transition her new middle - schooler was facing and how helpless the Mother feels. Secondly, a teacher friend confided how few parents attended his Parent/Teacher conferences, in particular, those who had been specifically contacted by the teacher to attend. So, forgive me as I see-saw back from the too muchers to the not enoughers.

Let's face it - a transition to middle or high school can be intimidating for both kids and parents. One thing parents struggle with is trying to find the right amount of involvement after elementary school. Often, participation becomes less and the chasm between school and home lengthens.

Finding the best ways to support teenagers in secondary school can be confusing for many reasons: 1.) parents think they hear other parents saying they should not be involved at the higher level schools; 2.) parents know they must give their teenager more ownership for their own success while they practice responsibility and time management, and 3.) teens will sometimes push back on parents, wishing them to be less visible in secondary school. So, what us the right degree of involvement? What does parent involvement look like in middle and high school?

Parent involvement is essential in secondary schools...yet involvement looks and feels different than it did in elementary school. It is more difficult to find a niche. No more Halloween cupcakes for homeroom or running copies in the office. But the experts say to stay actively involved and engaged in your child's education. Why?
· By involving yourself in your child's middle or high school you are showing him or her that you value education. When you attend school events you are demonstrating commitment to education. This may be one of the most powerful ways to instill this value in your teen.
* Students with parents who are involved in their school tend to have better academic performance, fewer behavioral problems, and they are more likely to complete high school.
* Despite the impression you may receive from your teenager, recent research shows that teens want their parents involved, and they feel that parent involvement in high school is even more important than in elementary school.
* The relationships you develop at school will give you information and insight as to your teen's world, friendships, and the expectations your child is faced with.
* Your involvement lets the school staff know that you value education and that you are someone with whom they can have a relationship. This can have a direct and positive effect on their educational experience.
* Should issues arise at the school, or with your child, you will already have relationships with people there that can help you.
* Schools need your help. Schools are often understaffed due to tight budgets and they can use your help in many ways.
* The more in touch you are with your community, and your child's friends and friends’ families, the more you are able to knowledgeably support your teen.
* If you want to see change, the best way to impact it is to be involved from the inside.

What is the right level of involvement? Much of this will depend on you and your teenager.
Here are a few guidelines:
# Read all the paperwork and access web sites from your teen's school. Have a sense of what is going on there; keep all phone numbers, calendars, bus info, and contact information handy.
# Be sure to attend the school open house offered in the fall. It is important to meet your child's teachers, and this venue provides the best way to do so.
# If your child has particular issues, it is appropriate to discuss these with your teenager’s guidance counselor and/or teachers. Work with the school to address issues; they can guide you about working within their system.
# Viewing your teenager's assignment notebook regularly can be an excellent way to stay informed about school assignments without being over-bearing. (Note: MPS has on-line access to your student's grades. You may also directly access individual teachers via E-Mail.
# If your child is participating in school sports or other activities, be sure to attend the games. This provides you with the opportunity to meet other parents and some of your teen's new friends.

So, get engaged. Get involved. Make your child's middle school and high school years a top priority. Parent involvement: It is still your responsibility when your teenagers enter secondary school. Involvment makes a difference in your child's success and paves the way for a bright and shiny future.

It's What's Inside That Counts

Could there be a better goal than to have our teens interact with the rest of the world in a healthy manner? No chips on their shoulder, no victim mode, no bully mode. Dr. Randall Grayson believes that changing a child's mind, thus changing their behavior is far more effective than conditioning behavior and hopefully changing the mind. An example? Instead of a time out or other threat for say, taking a ball on the playground, an adult guides a child into other choices that meet both his needs and the needs of others. What follows is a thought provoking way to look at not only how our kids perceive their world, but also how we do.

Taking responsibility for ourselves is something most of us struggle with. Despite the difficulty, the reward is worth striving for- our freedom and autonomy. It is healthy parent-child relationships. It is healthy communication between husband and wife or co-workers. When we understand that we have choices regardless of the behavior of others, we can have relationships based on our own responsibility, self-discipline, and love; we can create those good relationships instead of waiting for them from others. The Shift: From external to internal control.

External control
"I felt angry and that's why I yelled at him!"
"I'm depressed, so that's why I'm sitting here doing nothing."
"My friends make me feel stupid."
"My mother made me angry so I'm not talking to her."
"When people call me names, I'm going to hit them. It's their fault if they get hurt, not mine."
"If you would just stop being so uptight, I could relax and then everything would be fine."
"If Jane would just clean up her room, I wouldn't get so angry."
"I'm bored. That's not fun. I need more fun things to do."

Core belief: We feel the way we do because some person, place, or thing makes us feel that way. We blame.
Core belief: We either manipulate, or we are manipulated.
Core belief: The outside world should give us things we need to be happy.
Core belief: We do what we do because of how we feel


People who are externally motivated spend a great deal of time looking for exactly the right people, places, and things so that they will finally feel fulfilled. To wait for others to change so that we can love them will be a source of endless frustration and disappointing relationships. Our ultimate freedom comes in being able to find our balance regardless of another person's action.


Internal control
"How do I want to feel in this situation?"
"That person called me names; I can choose to feel angry, sad, sorry for their lack of understanding, or grateful I am not them"
"Do you want to be homesick? Can you imagine being happy even though you are not with your mom?, Do you want to be enjoying camp rather than feeling sad all the time?"
"I really respect myself for the way I handled that situation."
"I like who I am when I act like this."
"Would you like to spend your time feeling good about what you did well or bad about what you didn't do so well?"

Core belief: What's going on outside of me is just information. I have to the power to choose how I want to feel. Feelings come from the inside out, and not outside in.
Core belief: Our pain in the world comes not from the circumstances of our lives, but from the way we deal with those circumstances. Our pain is the result of the difficulty of being loving when others are not.
Core belief: People want to do and be good, but sometimes they need help learning how.
Core belief: People have the power to be terrific people, even in non-terrific situations. Being loving is easy in situations where those around you are doing what you want and giving you the attention and love you desire. But being loving is more difficult if someone is mad at you, or lets you down, or treats you poorly, or does not do what you want them to do. When we are caring and compassionate in the face of bad situations, we find peace, balance, and love.


Our Core Needs
From this perspective, people have five core needs. It is believed that all behavior can be traced back to one of these core five needs. All behavior is code, and all behavior happens for a reason. These needs instruct us on how to be in the world.The instruction to 1. "Be Loved and Be Loving" is an urge to connect, 2. to belong, 3.to feel compassion for others, and 4. to forgive. Even though it is difficult to see this need expressed in people sometimes, the assumption is that we are all born with the desire to be this way in the world. For example, people may express this need through anger, showing off, bitterness, or even by being shy. Also under the need to be loved is the need for self-worth, or self-esteem. 5. People want to feel good about themselves.

"Being Powerful" means standing in your own circle of strength, having a voice, staying strong in difficult situations, being worthy, having self respect and having impact on the world. Being powerful means telling the truth when you are worried others may criticize, it means taking a step off the zip wire platform even though you are scared, and it means sticking with a difficult project until you are really proud of your work.
"Being Playful" is the ability to have fun regardless of the things or activities that surround you. When children complain that they are bored, mothers are often quoted as saying, "Only boring people are bored." Too often as we get older, we wait for external circumstances to create pleasure. The internally motivated playfulness comes from viewing each situation with curiosity, whimsy, and an openness to new perceptions.
"Being Free" is our ability to maintain a sense of autonomy and choice. People following their internal instruction to be free are able to see choices, to "see the glass half full," and to think about "freedom to" and "freedom in." People who are trapped in the external are always worried about "freedom from" and ask themselves, "How is this making me feel?" People who are being free are more likely to ask, "How do I feel about this situation?" and even more importantly, "How do I want to feel about this situation?"
Safety and Survival are also core human needs. We need food and shelter, and when they aren't provided, they take up the majority of our thought and behavior. People also act quickly when there is an immediate threat to safety or survival. If we don't follow our psychological/spiritual instructions, we feel internal signals -- loneliness, powerlessness,
boredom, or feeling trapped -- that inform us of that fact. When people who understand their internal instructions feel lonely, for example, they do not wait for others to love them. They look for others to love. They call a friend, they pat the dog, or they give a gift. As they take these actions, they begin again to be loving, and the loneliness disappears. When they feel bored, they don't wait for something to entertain them, they create their fun by beginning to be playful in the situation at hand.


I personally found this thought provoking and easy to understand. It reminds me of the well known Al-Anon saying, "The only person I can change is myself." I saw the Blame Game so often with high school students. Individual success, happiness and satisfaction ebbed and flowed with external events. If teens could only be confident and strong within themselves. Internal confidence and strength withstands the slings and arrows of life. We can't protect our children from disappointments and sadness, but perhaps we can better equip them when life happens.


If you want to see this discussion in it's entirety, go to http://www.campaugusta.org/Partnering/Coaching/Success/success.htm