I had a conversation with Mike Linderman, the Montana based counselor/calf roping author of The Teen Whisperer: How to Break Through the Silence and Secrecy of Teenage Life, a brand of therapy aimed at helping hard-to-reach teens based on developing a trusting relationship first. While he is the model of his method - and he is an excellent role model - I wanted to know if he felt that his technique could truly be replicated by parents, teachers, counselors, or anyone who wants to help a struggling teen.
He gave me an unequivocal "yes." To sum up the publisher's review on Amazon, the book's basic premise is this:
The Five Primary Needs of Teens (Survival, Fun, Freedom, Power, and Belonging) are essential throughout a child's life, up through (and I would add beyond) the teen years. These develop a healthy family dynamic, but when a family is incapable of fulfilling these needs, dysfunction sets in in the form of various detrimental teen behaviors ranging from a noticeable silence or depression to severe rebelliousness. Mike provides concrete steps that parents can take to reconnect with their teens as they work together to create a stronger relationship and kids learn to:Trust themselves and others
Process emotion and pain in healthy ways
Understand and appreciate boundaries
Gain joy and pride in real work
Live a life of love, respect and gratitude
In speaking with Mike on the phone today, I asked him what the essential qualities necessary for replicating his successes with teens are, since often a new therapy or self-help cure is contingent upon the person who originates the idea, but becomes weakened when passed on to others (think Covey's 7 Habits or Marva Collins/Great Expectations - great programs requiring great facilitators to keep up the enthusiasm).
Mike narrowed his response down to two basic ideas (I am paraphrasing Mike here) :
Pure intentions - parents/others must develop a relationship with the teen in which he/she feels that the intentions to reform his behavior are pure. Parents cannot be acting from a selfish viewpoint (such as "You're making our family look bad..."). Children are not property and cannot be treated as such. Once parents get their motivation clear in their minds, they can approach the teen in a rational manner, showing that the teen's success is the real issue.
2.) Mike uses Motivational Interviewing as his guideline for getting to the bottom of whatever issue the teen is facing. Mike says that what he tries to do is "come alongside teens and help them figure out their own answers." Again, children are not property; they cannot fulfill the dreams and wishes of their parents like little puppets. Parents must allow the child to reason out his own life and answers to his behavioral conflicts rationally.
If parents are going to use this book to help an ailing teen, then a synthesis of Mike's work for me speaks clearly to the parents as the models for rational behavior, developing especially the five primary teen needs. Ideally, we want to try our best to shape a happy, healthy family. I would advise parents read Mike's book even if they have a perfect child, paying special attention to the five primary teen needs.
So, I woud like to address a third thing that has made Mike's therapy successful and use it as a guide for others to follow, and that is Mike himself. His voice in The Teen Whisperer is clear, and parents should use all the techniques listed to help struggling teens.
But, as I have said before, parents can help their children by being the model of what they are trying to instill. Parents don't have to be infallible, but they do have to realize that they are being watched. If you are going to try to reform your offspring's behavior, you as the parent might also need a little tweak before you start.
Mike claims to not have a long list of PhD's following his name, which may be true. What he is, however, is a model of what he is trying to instill in others. He played football in Montana, was in National Honor Society, attended the University of Montana and intended to major in veterinary medicine. Taking his first psychology course changed his focus. He served in the Armed Forces for six years, served in Desert Storm in Iraq, earning his degree in counseling and finally returning to Montana where he now practices.
I asked Mike what part courage plays in shaping a family and reforming dangerous teen behavior. You see, Mike was not only in Desert Storm, but was also a firefighter and first responder. He said that by all means it takes courage. Parents have to have the courage to be there for their children. Mike wouldn't brag about it, but part of his success is the courage to respond to people authentically with pure intentions and a listening ear, a trait often derided in our "me, me, me" world. That is one of the most important lessons Mike Linderman can teach us all. We don't have to be perfect and we can't be there all the time, but we can try.
And, speaking of courage, Mike and his wife plan on opening their home to four troubled teens at a time to bring authentic love and trust into these young people's lives with the hope of reforming destructive behavior and saving their lives. If that isn't courageous, I don't know what is.
The Teen Whisperer is available at Amazon.com or at WaldenBooks. Visit Mike's website at http://www.mikelinderman.com/ or email him at TeenWhisperer@gmail.com.
