The Chaos Theory of Parenting

Something someone said on the comments page of the blog started me thinking about just what a crap shoot parenting is. One person made the statement that if we parent the little ones right, then when they are older they should technically be able to make correct judgements and behave well. Another person called it the "yin and yang of parenting."

I would like to call it the chaos theory of parenting. You know how in the chaos theory of mathematics there is an infinite number of variables affecting the outcome of an equation (finally, math explained how I always solved for x when I was in high school - just kidding), also sometimes known as the Butterfly Effect? Well, the same is true of raising children to adulthood. An infinite number of unpredictable variables can interfere with all your best efforts. This is why two siblings raised by the same parents can turn out completely different.

Psychologists have explained this in various ways. One's birth order. One's siblings affect one's personality more than one's parents. Conditions in the womb. Genetic predispositioning. One's brain functioning. Who knows? It could be anything!

Also, what works with one child does not necessarily work with another. What is a parent to do?

Professor Lashley at NSU has a wonderful saying - "parents do the best they can with what they know." All we can do is do the best we can. Granted, some of us aren't trying very hard, but even from those negligent kinds of parents can spring wonderful teenaged and adult children, albeit a little worse for the wear. Granted, too, some of us who are trying very hard can produce irresponsible, drug addicted children.

Which brings me back where I started. It's all just kind of a crap shoot. Fortunately, in most cases it all turns out well in the end, but you don't want to just take your chances, now, do you? Even in a crap shoot, there are things you can do to hedge your bet. These are my top three for right now without going into detail:
1.)Get yourself the best education you possibly can.
2.)Get your children the best education you possibly can, and then some.
3.)Probably should be number one, but follow Chrissie's advice about loving your child unconditionally throughout his/her lifetime. I don't mean be a doormat, that won't work, either, but you absolutely cannot hold your love hostage to manipulate your child or to get what you want.

Cooking your child's favorite meal is a great way to show that you care about him/her. Whether it's two boxes of Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper or an elaborate Italian Cream Cake, your child will know that you are really saying "I'm thinking about you."

This is a recipe that was in the paper years ago. I think it was from the people who did the Kanchi auction, but I can't remember. I do remember my kids love it, though, and you can just throw it in the crockpot on busy days.

Klein's Kanchi Chicken
6 chicken breasts
1/4 cup water
1 envelope onion soup mix
1/4 cup Italian dressing
garlic salt to taste
Place chicken in crockpot. Sprinkle with garlic salt and onion soup mix. Pour water and salad dressing over chicken. Cover and cook on low 8 to 10 hours. (Bonless, skinless chicken tends to dry out a little, but is still tender.)

How Can I Love You When I Am Not Even Sure I Like You?

As children enter the traumatic teen years, much is written about a positive self image. This is an extremely difficult and precarious time. The goal is to make the transition easy and successful for our child. Is there a proven formula? Is there some equation that insures our off-spring will triumphantly exit the teen years with a laurel wreath resting on his or her majestic and regal head? Umm, well,.........no. Not as far as I can tell.

Do not be dismayed.

True. There are no guarantees that a young adult will exit the teens with accolades and scholarships, non- tattooed and substance abuse free. No one can promise doors not slamming in anger, freedom from alarming clothing choices and no late night calls from public officials. Speeding tickets, curfew violations and seemingly shallow and shady priorities often come with the teen territory. Expect that they are testing the boundaries and limits as they seek independence. A parent's pray is that teenagers have the wisdom and good sense to not make choices that can negatively alter their life forever.

One cornerstone for a successful life is a young person's self-esteem. This self-esteem is nurtured and established with unconditional love. It is the love that communicates "I believe in you, I'm here for you and I love you, no matter what." (www.parentingwithout pressure.com) How wise this seems, until our little darling wrecks the car or a failing grade comes in or they refuse to participate in a family situation...then that love gets a little stretched. Actually, stretched a whole lot. How in heaven's name can we love these rude and inconsiderate beings "unconditionally"?

Here's a formula offered by Parenting without Pressure.

THOUGHT=ACTION=ATTITUDE

Simply, actions can change feelings. Parents communicate to the teen, "I don't like the behavior but that has nothing to do with my love for you." Easily said, but it naturally becomes more difficult if continued behavior results in such pain that a parent literal feels like their heart is broken. We close off, shut down and isolate from the child.

Unconditional love works even when we think "there is no way" by first making a cognitive choice. Literally, loving with your head and trusting your heart will follow. Speak unconditional love and you will eventually truly feel that way. It works.

This of course does not mean there are not consequences for unacceptable actions. Of course there are. We'll discuss this in more depth at another time, but nothing should be accepted or discounted if the action or choice includes one of the following:
Is this immoral?
Is this illegal?
Is this going to make a difference in five years?
Is this going to hurt my child or someone else?
Is it inappropriate for his/her age?

We all wonder if something is a "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" situation. The above list really addresses that question.

Back to that self-esteem issue. To love unconditionally means no "I love you if's"; no "Yes, but's..." ; no "If only you had's....". Instead, it means, "I love you for who you are and what you are becoming. You are important to me and worthy of my interest and time." Parents are like mirrors to their children. As we see them, they see themselves. Focus attention on what makes them who they are and value their uniqueness. We have to remember, they are not us. Our children have their own dreams, their own gifts and their own interests. It is not our child's job to build up our egos. It is difficult enough to build up their own!!!

School is starting and 7:00 A.M. breakfast is always difficult to get going again. Here is an easy Smoothie Recipe that gets the little darlings off to a healthy and delicious start.

In a blender combine:

1 banana , a handful of blueberries, peaches, or strawberries (fresh or frozen) 1/2 cup vanilla yogurt , 2 tablespoons of honey, a few ice cubes and enough orange juice to get the mixture blending. Whir around until smooth. My kids like it thicker so I add a little more ice and if I remember, I throw the banana in the freezer the night before. If you have some sort of cereal similar to granola, it can be added to the top for a crunch. Any kind of nut can be added to the mix before blending and it adds a little protein and they will never even know it is in there. If there is time, enjoy together around the breakfast room table. (Yeah, right) Throw in a syrofoam cup and send them out the door.