All You Need is Love

The first thing new parents hear is “Congratulations!” The second thing they hear is advice. That advice falls into two categories – the chastising kind that seems to highlight your imperfections (at least in your mind) and the words of wisdom that remind you that if you care about and love your kids, you’ll probably do just great. My vote is for the latter.
In 1946, Dr. Spock told parents “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” It was a revolution. Prior to that, parents had been fed a diet of lectures warning them against spoiling their kids with too much love and affection. Now, more than 60 years later, those words are still incredibly reassuring. Fortunately, other kind and compassionate voices have joined his.

One of the latest comforting voices comes from Brené Brown, author of "Daring Greatly," who shared her thoughts on parenting with Huffington Post readers in the form of "The Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto." It’s a gentle reminder to be kind and loving not just to our children, but to ourselves as well. In it, Brown promises her kids:

“Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions--the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself.
"I want you to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
“We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability. We will share our stories of struggle and strength. There will always be room in our home for both. Can we remind each other that it is our uniqueness and love that our children long for? It is our voices. Our smiles. Of course we want to learn, improve, exercise, cook better, make our homes lovelier, and provide beautiful experiences for our children, but at the end of the day, our children don’t want a discouraged, stressed-out mom who is wishing she were someone else.”

In her article, Brown says she wrote this manifesto as a sort of antidote to all the do-it-this-way-or-you're-doomed parenting advice out there. She mentions her favorite piece of parenting advice, which she got listening to author Toni Morrison on The Oprah Show in 2000.

Morrison asked parents, “When your child walks in the room, does your face light up? When my children used to walk in the room, when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up. My teen enters and I lecture curfews and homework. 

You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you're caring for them. It's not. When they see you, they see the critical face. But if you let your face speak what's in your heart...because when they walked in the room, I was glad to see them. It's just as small as that, you see."

What a tremendous piece of advice. We love and adore our children. They can make us smile and laugh like no one else. But, so often, in the midst of the daily grind and in our efforts to teach them right, we may forget to let them see the joy they bring us.

Here are a few other quotes and bits of advice about parenthood that are sure to reassure you and make you smile.

 “Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong.” ~Donna Ball, At Home on Ladybug Farm
"You will always be your child's favorite toy."  ~Vicki Lansky, Trouble-Free Travel with Children
"If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others."  ~Haim Ginott
"The guys who fear becoming fathers don't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  The end product of child raising is not the child but the parent."  ~Frank Pittman, Man Enough

And remember, you’re never going to get it all right. It’s OK.  As Bill Cosby said in "Fatherhood," “In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.  You just need a lot of love and luck ............and, of course, courage.” chrissie

A Love Letter

The clock is ticking. This time at home with your child is fleeting. Years pass in the blink of an eye. Eighteen years and they pack their car and wave goodbye. If we do our job right, they will seek their fortune and their destiny with confidence and courage. The adventure of leaving home and leaving you is just part of their journey, and ours.

We can't live every moment, dreading the inevitable-but we can train ourselves to make the most of time together. Melony and I have talked alot about making memories, making moments, making a home. A simple way of affirming your child and perhaps smoothing over a rough time could be a letter. A love letter to your teen.

Now, I don't mean all gushy and mushy. That will just turn your child off and probably embarrass them. Don't be too abstract or rhetorical. Identify specific attributes and use specifics to support your point.

An example? You face challenges head on and with courage. Algebra II was definitely a hurdle but you studied, got tutoring, worked with your teacher and gave up other activities to bring your grade up and prepare for the next year. Dad and I are so proud of you!!!

Perhaps your daughter has a summer babysitting job. I am so proud that others trust you and know how responsible you are. Mrs. Smith knows she can count on you to care for Ivy and knows Ivy is is safe and happy. I am also busting my buttons that you are earning your own money and adding it to your college fund. You are something else!!!!

Things a little dicey at your house? Even more the reason to write an affirming note. Glad we had that meeting of the minds last night. Though we may not agree on a few house rules, I know we agree that we love each other and will both strive to come up with a workable solution. I miss that beautiful smile at the dinner table. Let's talk.

You're the parent. Who better knows all the good things about your teen. Hey, you've got bragging rights! Write a little something or write a lot. Then, pass it on. chrissie

God Bless Them Everyone

Joe White is the author of many youth related books. One particularly good one is The Gift of Self Esteem. He is the president of Kanakuk and Kanakomo Kamps which host 14,000 campers each summer and is a noted speaker on family and teen issues. In his book What Kids Wish Parents Knew About Parenting, Joe quotes some interesting statistics. As a preface to the stats he writes, " I believe children have an innate, genetically programmed desire to be primarily molded by their parents or primary care givers." In other words, molded by those at home.

He first cites the doom and gloom statistics from Readers Digest, Seventeen and USA Today. We have all seen them. Five million teen alcoholics, teen pregnancy, drugs, suicide....but then Mr. White counters with statistics of his own. These statistics come from 1000 Kanakuk and Kanakomo campers. These kids historically come from strong and loving family backgrounds.

# Ninety-five percent of the boys indicated their Fathers regularly tell them "I love you."
# Ninety-eight percent of the girls say their Mothers tell them "I'm proud of you."
# Ninety-one percent of the kids say their parents play games and sports with them.
# Ninety-seven percent of the boys get hugs from their Dads.
# One-hundred percent of the girls say they get hugs from their Moms or Dads.
# 100 percent of the girls and eight-five percent of the boys remember being read to.
# Eighty-seven percent of the camp kids (up to 18 years old!) are virgins.
# Seventy two percent of the kids do not drink.

The author's survey continues but his point is clear. When given an adult who really loves them and gives them a constant example of good behavior, most teenagers really want to do the right thing. We are doing a great job of parenting when we can accept problems as challenges and meet the challenges head on with determination, self-sacrifice and enthusiasm. Joe White says that is being the hero kids need. When faced with the dangerous environment out there, these validated kids have the strength and confidence to stand committed to the right principals they are taught and shown.

I guess these old, tired homilies have stayed around because they are so true. "Home is where the Heart is", "Home is Where your Story Begins", Home Sweet Home", "Keep the Home Fires Burning", and of course, "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home".

So as the last, mad dash of Christmas is upon us, remember. As there are presents to be wrapped and pies to be made, remember. As end of year business demands pile up, remember. On that last frantic run to the discount store, to the mall or to the grocery, remember.

As we finally sit together around the Christmas table, I'm going to stop a minute. Take a deep breath and look from one face to another. This time I won't get too busy with all the "stuff" to tell my family, "I love you." Some of the pack may blush and grimace, but he or she will remember, "I love you." And then, where will those I love more than anything in the world always want to be at Christmas? Just like the song says;

Christmas Eve will find me,

Where the love light beams.

I'll be home for Christmas.

If only in my dreams.

As we sit around our table Christmas Eve, this calorie laden but delicious side dish is a Wagner must have. My own personal children would mutiny if it were not on the menu. Enjoy!

Garlic Cheese Grits

2 cups water

2 cups milk

2 tsp salt

1 cup instant grits

1 3 oz package Velveeta

1 cup extra sharp grated cheddar cheese

1 stick butter

1 tsp Worcestershire

3 eggs, slightly beaten

1 tsp (or more) minced garlic

dash cayenne

Bring salt,water and milk to a boil and slowly stir in grits. Cover and simmer for 3 minutes or until thickened. Remove from heat and temper beaten eggs with a small amount of the grits (so they will not curdle and cook) and add to grit mixture. Add Velveeta, butter, grated cheese and other seasonings. Pour into a buttered 9 x11 Pyrex dish and sprinkle with paprika. You may refrigerate for up to 24 hours. Heat in a 350 degree oven, uncovered for thirty minutes or until set and bubbly around the edges.