No Matter What

What follows is the second installment of our on-line contributor, "Cave Dweller". Be sure and read the previous entry if you missed it last week.

It is becoming more and more common for grandparents to be raising their children's children. Couples who thought their child raising days were over find themselves back at parent- teacher conferences, soccer games and birthday parties. Many of these children assimilate well. Others have been so wounded and bruised by their prior circumstances that they need more than just a willing family member. Structure, expectations, boundaries and discipline are not easily accepted. Patterns and imprinting are often hard to change. These children and teens self-destruct, even with the love and support of their grandparents. That is what makes Cave Dwellers insight and experience so important. She is succeeding.

If you want to see more of her observations and comments (and our responses), read through "The Care and Feeding of Teenagers" Blog Archives. It is a testament to the love of family.



Part II - No Matter What

Danny had grown used to his rare visits with us being all about fun and games, and good times. That's what Grandparents do!

Now suddenly we were thrust into the roles of being his Parental Figures. We were setting rules, and enforcing them. And at this same time, his 12 year old hormones and natural urge to "govern" himself were kicking in. He had pretty much raised himself all those years he had been with his mother. Now all of a sudden, he had people controlling him. And he didn't like it!

And here we were, just beginning to enjoy our peace and quiet, our ability to pack a bag and take off anyplace we wanted, anytime we wanted. We had just settled into the quiet and peaceful lives we had looked forward to since our kids married and left home.

Suddenly, we were dealing with a child who had not had any boundaries, and was resenting the boundaries we placed on him. We were dealing with yelling matches, fists through walls, foul language, and in-our-face hostility.

Dealing with this from a total stranger is painful enough. But dealing with it from a child you love deeply, is beyond comprehension. I had melt downs. Many of them. And to be honest, we resented that we had been put into this situation.

And it was hard to understand how this child who we had given up so much for, could be so ungrateful! What we didn't recognize was that he was venting his anger on us, because we were "safe." We would not hurt him. He knew that deep in his heart. He knew that we would take care of him, no matter what...