I'm Back

Last week was the simplified version of Boomerang families What follows is an article from Psychology Today magazine.  The author, Dr.Carl Pickhardt offers a more detailed discussion, "when Junior comes home."

Yogi Berra had it right, not just about the game of baseball but about the game of parenting as well. "It ain't over 'til it's over," he observed. And so for many parents, just when they think the nest is finally empty and their son or daughter has been successfully launched, that old bedroom is re-occupied by a returning older adolescent come home not just to visit, but to stay.

It's very common during the fourth and final stage of adolescence, what I call "trial independence" (ages 18 - 23), for a young person who has been living apart from family to return home to take up residence again. Precise estimates are hard to come by, but the New York Times (August 18, 2010) cited that 40% of young people in their 20's move back in with parents at least once. ("What is the matter with 20-somethings?")

It may be they need a place to carry them over a break in their work or educational lives. It may be that they have lost their independent footing, encountered some life crisis, and need a safe place to recover before stepping out on their own again. In either case, this return can create an awkward home coming.

Having become accustomed to living separately (without exposure to each other's daily presence and influence), moving back together is an adjustment because both parent and adolescent must give up some freedom in the process. The parent has to give up freedom from ignorance about the young person's conduct, and the adolescent has to give up freedom from parental scrutiny. While the parent struggles with how much parenting responsibility to reassert, the adolescent struggles with how much autonomy to surrender.

Both usually agree that since the young person has been functioning independently and is older, their relationship should now be more grown up. But here is where the return home can start to get abrasive.

Thinks the adolescent, for example: "I am now too grown up to report my comings and goings to my parents." However, parents want to know how late he or she will be home at night so they don't have to worry.

Think the parents, for example: "Our adolescent is now sufficiently grown up to live in the neat and orderly way we like." However, the adolescent wants home to be relaxed enough not to have to worry about picking up and putting back after himself all the time.
What's going on? Usually, the answer is regression. The frame of reference that each imposes on the return relationship tends to resemble the one that described how it was when they last lived together. So they each revert to that. Parents remember insisting that the adolescent adequately inform them when going out at night. The adolescent remembers ignoring, or at least delaying, compliance with housekeeping needs of parents. The return home typically revives old habits of behaviors in them all.
So what needs to happen? Clarification of CONDITIONS and committing to MUTUALITY are the answers. For adequate clarification, the basic terms of return must be specified and agreed upon. For adequate cooperation, efforts must be made by both sides to help make the relationship work.
From what I have seen of these boomerang situations, the return home goes best when parents are proactive and specific about declaring what they need in the relationship. Play "wait and see how it's going to be" to have the young person back home, and parents risk living on returnee terms they don't like.

They need to come up with a set of conditions that will minimally structure the young person's stay so that the hosting works well for them, and thus for her. Because the young person needs welcoming parents, not complaining ones, he or she needs to know the basics of what they need. The three kinds of conditions are: purpose, limits, and demands of the stay.

Start with PURPOSE. What is the objective of coming home? If the young person says, "to take a break, hang out here for a while, and forget my troubles," this answer is insufficient to justify their permission for a return. A better answer might be, "to use the time to take a couple community college courses to test my interests, to hold a job, to save my earnings, and so at the end of a year I have enough money to move out and live independently again." Always specify objectives for coming home that, when reached, result in readiness for leaving home again.

Then there are LIMITS. What limits do parents want to set on the adolescent's freedom while at home? For example, what limits do they want to set on the young person's socializing at home, determining what is watched on the family room TV, use of the computer, driving a family car, eating whatever is in the kitchen, borrowing parental belongings, sleeping in during weekdays? Of course, the first limit to set is how long the stay is to last. An open ended stay can drag on for a long unproductive time.

Finally, consider DEMANDS. What demands on the adolescent's time and energy do they want to make? For example, what demands do they want to make about contributing household responsibilities, helping around the home, making own spending money, shopping for and cooking family meals, looking after younger children? Such demands are not intrusive, they are supportive. They give the young person a constructive role to play in the family.
Having mentioned these suggestions to some parents, they shook their heads and objected. "That's no way to treat a guest!"
"That's right," I agreed. "You need to treat your returning adolescent not as a guest, but as a returning member of the family come home for a working stay designed to turn out well enough (not perfectly) for everyone.

Now consider Mutuality. A major cause for a return home to work out badly is when the adolescent proceeds to live in a one way (all his or her way) relationship to parents and they accept this inequity, to their hurt and angry cost. Instead, they must insist on mutuality. He or she must live with them on two-way, not one way terms. Simply put, this means practicing reciprocity, compromise, and consideration.
RECIPROCITY in a relationship is achieved when each party actively contributes to the wellbeing of the other. Thus just as parents provide a living space for the adolescent, the adolescent provides some house-keeping services to help maintain that space.
COMPROMISE is achieved when in disagreement both parties agree to move off their immediate self-interest to define a common interest where each gives some to get some of what each wants. Thus when Sunday and the time for family worship arrives, and parents want the adolescent to attend church when she does not, they settle on her attending not every week, but every other Sunday.
CONSIDERATION is achieved when each party in the relationship makes an effort not to tread on each other's sensitivities. Thus the adolescent keeps music played quiet enough not to offend parental ears, and parents do not ask about who the adolescent is going out with when he dates.
To the degree that the older adolescent can live on terms of mutuality with parents (practicing reciprocity, compromise, and sensitivity) this training can have significant benefit in two ways.
First, it establishes a basis of mutuality for conducting the adult relationship with parents in the years ahead. And second it teaches essential skills for successfully managing a significant partnership when the time for that relationship arrives.

If the young person is simply unwilling to meet their minimal conditions and live on two-way, mutual terms with them, then parents should not criticize or get angry. They should respect the young person's choice, and then say something like this. "We understand that you have reached an age when living only on your own terms is what you need to do. Unhappily, this will not work living with us. Therefore, within the next two weeks you need to make other living arrangements. Of course, while you are still in town we would love to get to see you as always."

Returning home after having left for independence is not a right, it is a privilege.
It is a not a luxury available to all. The adolescent is privileged to have a home that welcomes her return, just as parents are privileged to have this precious extended family time with their older adolescent son or daughter. As I suggest, this needs to be a two-way street.

Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Austin, Texas.

Mom, I'm Home

There is lots of chatter out there about boomerang kids.  It is a phenomenon happening in families all over America.  Our very educated off-spring get out of college and in this economy, can't find a job. With college loans and credit card debt, they find hourly jobs and move back home to make ends meet.  What follows are some simple and straightforward guidelines.  I like them , because they are not debating the pros and cons of moving back home, they address the "already heres."

1. You can help but don’t enable.
If your BK’s could or should be able to do it for themselves, stay out of it—even if you could do it easier, simpler, or better than them at this point. If they don’t have challenges to face and overcome, they won’t grow. Regardless of whether your BK’s are employed or not, they can be expanding their skill sets, their levels of maturity, their willingness to take on adult responsibilities, their compassion and so on. Tip: If you are leading the job-hunting process for them or filling out their school applications, you’re enabling.
2. Trust and respect are non-negotiable.
If you don’t trust your BK, and if you don’t respect one another, they shouldn’t be living in your home. Period. By the way, the degree of trust and respect one deserves or provides has nothing to do with how much money one is able to bring in during these challenging times.
3. Don’t impose on your BK’s world.
If your BK didn’t attend Aunt Martha’s birthday when he was off at college, don’t necessarily expect him to help frost the cake now that he’s home. Your BK needs the space to nurture his own world of relationships and not return to old roles established when he was a child in your home. Don’t take offense when your BK demands a greater degree of distance between his and your life. In fact, be grateful. This is healthy.
4. Tell the truth about the facts.
I worry about those of us who are going further into debt or using money set aside for retirement to help our BKs now and who are self-sacrificing beyond their means. Many of us are surprised to have found ourselves in such a precarious position at this stage of life, and are tempted to keep contributing more than we can afford both out of love—and let’s admit it—to save face.
A better strategy is transparency: telling the truth about the vulnerable position we’re in and problem-solving together. This only works, by the way, if you paid attention to guideline two, the one about trust and respect as the prerequisite for living together under the same roof. Under these circumstances, truth always empowers.
5. Be flexible, but stay vigilant.
As a society, good-hearted people of all generations are in unmapped territory. Will unemployment get worse instead of better? How long will this last? How are we to relate to one another as adults of different generations under one roof?
As the parents of the BK, it is unfair to judge your adult offspring’s progress by yesterday’s standards. It's also unfair to follow yesterday's rules in order to exert the illusion of control. That said, these times of change and transition should not be taken as a free-for-all. We are all making this up as we go, so be flexible—but stay vigilant. The line between helping and enabling, generosity and martyrdom is a thin one, indeed.
When all else fails, be stingy on advice and generous with love. And as the old saying goes nothing lasts forever—not even hard times.   www.divinecaroline.com
More to follow next week.  chrissie

Are You Hovering?

We all love our teens and want only the best for them. We cheer them on at their athletic events, help them with their homework, and give them kudos for all their accomplishments, even the small ones. It is Parenting 101, right? Be there for your kids and celebrate their successes. In doing so, you raise children with great self-esteem and the ability to tackle life's toughest challenges.

Seems simple enough, but there are a lot of us who don't get it quite right. A little imperfection in our parenting skills is a given, but there some parents who really like being in the driver's seat…so much so, that their children may have a hard time actually learning how to drive, on the road of life, that is.

Welcome to the era of helicopter parenting.
Some people argue that you can't love your kids too much, but it is possible to take parental involvement too far. It's easy to do. From the moment our kids step foot into Kindergarten, we're encouraged to help with homework, volunteer, chaperon field trips, provide treats for parties, and attend events all year long to recognize our kids and their accomplishments. With all the focus on achievement, it seems only natural that we would continue in that role for a few years until the kids can take the reins themselves.

Preferably, it is somewhere around middle school when we stop helping out with artwork on our children's science projects and going over all of their homework with a fine-toothed comb to check for neatness and accuracy. If high school rolls around and you're still doing those sorts of things, you may want to take a look at why. It's fine to track your child's progress, but there comes a time when they must learn to stand on their own two feet.

Not sure if you're crossing Helicopter Parent line? Peterson's College Prep web site offers the following quiz. Are you doing any of the following:

1. Intervene with the teacher or principal every time your child complains about a person, an assignment, or a grade - rather than letting them attempt to resolve the problem themselves first.
2. Complain to your child's teachers every time he or she has a grade that you don't agree with - even if your child earned it.
3. Refuse to let your child go anywhere outside of school unsupervised by you - even when they're in high school.
4. Provide your child a cell phone and call several times a day to see where they are or "just to see what they're doing."
5. Correct, complete, or rewrite your child's homework assignments to ensure that they are done correctly and neatly.

These are just a few examples, and most of us might be guilty. The key difference between "normal" and "helicopter" is being over-involved in every aspect of your child's life, particularly when it comes to school. If you find yourself constantly intervening to avoid any negative outcomes or impact to your child, then that's a problem.

With all the focus on achievement and the importance of getting into a good school, some parents rationalize their behavior as a necessary means of protecting their "investment'. For some parents, the college-planning years are prime time for becoming enmeshed with their children's affairs. They may find themselves writing their child's college application essays in an effort to ensure admission to a good school. And for some, it may not end there. Some admit to editing their child's college papers and tracking along with class assignments by keeping their own copies of their child's syllabi. A recent article by ABC News even profiled some parents who phone their children every morning to wake them up for class, balance their checkbooks, or drive two hours every week to clean their child's dorm room! (There's a special term for parents like that....Black Hawks!) It's one thing to help them with their laundry when they come home to visit, but when they're back on campus, they need to take responsibility for their own lives.

Helicopter parents are not necessarily bad parents, and they do not need to turn their backs on their children altogether. What they do need to do is allow their children to make decisions for themselves, to make mistakes, and to learn from the choices they make. Trust me when I say this: if you do your parenting job well, your kids will seek your help when they need it...and they likely will need it, even when they're 21 (or older).

Whatever your behavior is when it comes to involvement in your child's life, the key to making it successful is a willingness to monitor your own behavior, not just that of your child. We sometimes get so caught up in raising "perfect" children, we forget that we are not perfect ourselves. We shouldn't expect our kids to be. Let them make mistakes that they can learn and grow from. In the grand scheme of things, a few poor grades here or there probably are not going to make or break them. If your children don't get into Harvard or Yale, chances are they will still be just fine. Their character and success will be better defined through your parenting, their life experiences, and how they're taught to deal with challenges, not by the reputation of the school they attend.