Something someone said on the comments page of the blog started me thinking about just what a crap shoot parenting is. One person made the statement that if we parent the little ones right, then when they are older they should technically be able to make correct judgements and behave well. Another person called it the "yin and yang of parenting."
I would like to call it the chaos theory of parenting. You know how in the chaos theory of mathematics there is an infinite number of variables affecting the outcome of an equation (finally, math explained how I always solved for x when I was in high school - just kidding), also sometimes known as the Butterfly Effect? Well, the same is true of raising children to adulthood. An infinite number of unpredictable variables can interfere with all your best efforts. This is why two siblings raised by the same parents can turn out completely different.
Psychologists have explained this in various ways. One's birth order. One's siblings affect one's personality more than one's parents. Conditions in the womb. Genetic predispositioning. One's brain functioning. Who knows? It could be anything!
Also, what works with one child does not necessarily work with another. What is a parent to do?
Professor Lashley at NSU has a wonderful saying - "parents do the best they can with what they know." All we can do is do the best we can. Granted, some of us aren't trying very hard, but even from those negligent kinds of parents can spring wonderful teenaged and adult children, albeit a little worse for the wear. Granted, too, some of us who are trying very hard can produce irresponsible, drug addicted children.
Which brings me back where I started. It's all just kind of a crap shoot. Fortunately, in most cases it all turns out well in the end, but you don't want to just take your chances, now, do you? Even in a crap shoot, there are things you can do to hedge your bet. These are my top three for right now without going into detail:
1.)Get yourself the best education you possibly can.
2.)Get your children the best education you possibly can, and then some.
3.)Probably should be number one, but follow Chrissie's advice about loving your child unconditionally throughout his/her lifetime. I don't mean be a doormat, that won't work, either, but you absolutely cannot hold your love hostage to manipulate your child or to get what you want.
Cooking your child's favorite meal is a great way to show that you care about him/her. Whether it's two boxes of Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper or an elaborate Italian Cream Cake, your child will know that you are really saying "I'm thinking about you."
This is a recipe that was in the paper years ago. I think it was from the people who did the Kanchi auction, but I can't remember. I do remember my kids love it, though, and you can just throw it in the crockpot on busy days.
Klein's Kanchi Chicken
6 chicken breasts
1/4 cup water
1 envelope onion soup mix
1/4 cup Italian dressing
garlic salt to taste
Place chicken in crockpot. Sprinkle with garlic salt and onion soup mix. Pour water and salad dressing over chicken. Cover and cook on low 8 to 10 hours. (Bonless, skinless chicken tends to dry out a little, but is still tender.)
as a teacher in an inner city school,i have always wondered what is that spark that makes one kid step out and away, able to discard the baggage of a screwed up home life, drugs, poverty the whole bit...you know those Oprah kids
ReplyDeleteand the others who live desperately and bitterly until they die in misery- blaming every one and unable to ever move on.
Andre 3000 of Outkast said he grew up in desperate circumstances, but he went to a magnet school for the arts and saw something different, which gave him a fortitude and hope for escaping the 'hood, even tho' later, because of a stupid incident, he got sent to an alternative school where everyone carried weapons (the kids) and sold drugs. He said you've got to get out of your neighborhood and see something different.
ReplyDeleteMany people who make it have seen something different, whether it's just something at school or on tv or at church, or a vision for their future. Oprah always credits her elementary teacher with giving her that spark.
Not only are there so many external factors outside the individual, such as who his parents are, his friends, his teachers, his socio-economic situation, but each person is inherently different internally, as well. What works for one person may not work with another person.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, I think it lies with the individual as a choice, but, as was said by just wondering, there is a spark somewhere that can ignite in a person's brain when the right conditions come together, if that individual doesn't have it innately, which determines if he/she will make it or not. Inner city poverty can dull your senses and put you on survival mode. It sends your thought processes to the brain stem on a daily basis, where no thought occurs. It should be called "going stemmal", as certain incidents can trigger irrational behavior that can immediately inflict many teens and adults, too.
That's why getting as much education as possible -and I absolutely do not mean just book education- is so important. That spark could be anywhere, but if the individual is never exposed to it, what a sad life of lost intent and passion.
That last paragraph said it all Ladies!! AMEN!
ReplyDeleteCaveDwellers