When Feeling Good is Bad for You

It's almost become the mantra of public schooling - you've got to feel good about yourself to be successful. For going on twenty years, the educational buzz word has been self-esteem. But, is it really true that a teenager has to have high self-esteem to be successful?

Very few of us have such a sense of self that we can stand a constant barrage of criticism and still remain unscathed. Almost everyone needs validation of their ideas and worth as a human being.

Validation gives a teen a sense of worth and self-confidence. This begins to develop in childhood in an atmosphere of unconditional love. Abraham Maslow identified love as coming just after the basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter in his hierarchy of needs. Once love is well established, almost anything can be withstood, but where early parental love is lacking, the seeds of self-doubt and questioning of our worthiness to exist are already beginning to creep in. Our job as parents is really to provide that love right from the start.

And then come the teen years. If self-doubt was ever present, it is during the teen years when something as tiny as a nearly invisible pimple can wreak havoc with our confidence. And, as Chrissie pointed out in her last blog, our friends play a big part in determining our self worth as we move out of the secure and unconditional love given by our families and into the sometimes fickle love given by our peers.

And it is here that I have to diverge from the American public school thinking on self esteem. Is it possible that between the ages of 14 - 19, or beyond, our self-esteem is not as much dependent on what the sociologist Charles Cooley called "the looking glass self" (feedback given us by peers, parents, and society at large), but upon the choices we make and the attitudes we adopt?

What I mean is this: You know when you are worthless, guilty, in the wrong - you don't need someone to tell you. When bad choices are made (flunking a class, running with the wrong crowd, repeatedly disobeying orders, not living up to potential), you are in essence undermining your own self-esteem - no one did that to you, you did it to yourself.

Ok, I can hear what you are thinking, so let me elaborate just a little more. I can't give a student self-esteem, for instance - that is something developed through competencies and personal successes. Kids can tell when compliments paid them by the faculty are false or undeserved. These actually make kids feel worse, not better. What I can do is direct a student toward developing good self-esteem by loving him/her unconditionally while helping him/her develop competencies, make right choices, and experience success, no matter how small or large. This is the same function the parent should play in the home.

Psychologist, Nathaniel Branden outlined what self-esteem is in his The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem way back in 1994. No one has listened to him, at least not the schools, not even post-Columbine. Studies have shown time and again that high teen self-esteem leads to violent acts such as rape, bullying, or school shootings much more than low self-esteem. Jason Katz, a counselor of troubled male teens and author of Tough Guise, points out that boys who believe they are better than everyone else (high self-esteem) are more prone to violent acts than those with moderate to low self esteem, for the very reason that their inflated egos need to demean those below them who have snubbed them.

If all this feel-good high self-esteem is not good for us, then what is? Branden defines healthy self-esteem as
1.)confidence in our ability to think; confidence to cope with the basic life challenges and 2.)confidence in our right to be happy and successful, feel worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

How to achieve this kind of self-esteem, then? Branden gives his six pillars and I add what parents can do to help a teen begin to develop a healthy self image:

1. Live Consciously - that's difficult for a teenager, but with a great role model to follow (you), it will not be so difficult. Keep an active mind and take joy in being intelligent. Keep the long term goal in sight. See and correct your mistakes. Above all, keep learning. Learn from mistakes, learn everything from the Pythagorean Theorem to how to bake a cake - everything you learn is a competency that increases your chances at success.

2. Practice Self-Acceptance - again, talking with your teen and keeping the lines of communication open can go a long ways toward deterring the habit of your teen's being self-critical. Also, if you accept your teen (to a certain extent - remember, we hate bad behavior, not the child), they will be more likely to accept themselves, too.

3. Practice Self-Responsibility - help your teen make choices that will direct him/her toward achieving desires and upholding values.

4. Practice Self-Assertiveness - wow, a hard one with teens if you have a really quiet and shy child. Somehow, though, you have to help your child stand up for him/herself. You don't want to turn your child into the school bully, but you do want your child to know he or she has as much right to exist as the next person.

5. Practice Living Purposely - ok, kids don't even know what their purpose is yet, but that's your purpose - to help direct them, as Chrissie has said, toward finding their focus. You can also help your child understand how to set goals and take action to achieve those goals. Again, you are the prime role model, you and the teachers you have chosen for your child. You want it to be you, rather than their friends who may also be clueless. Another reason to also promote your child's having good friends.

And,
6. Practice Personal Integrity - this is a biggie, and all other things being equal, I think this is where most teens and adults get bogged down. As I said earlier, we have to act in accordance with our values. When we don't - teen or adult - we are hacking away at the roots of our self-esteem. Branden says that if we say "only I will know" about my bad behavior, then we are saying our opinions of ourselves do not matter, and that's the worst self-esteem buster of all. Think about what you may have inadvertently taught your child if you have ever said something in front of him/her like "I'm going to buy this really expensive purse, but don't tell dad (or mom - oh, well not the purse, change that to chain saw or something...)." Everyone has probably said that at one time or another, but if you make a living out of those kinds of statements, you are teaching your child to lie, deceive, prevaricate, and undermine the one opinion that really means anything - their own.

This high self-esteem policy is starting to have a backlash. It had reached ridiculous proportions with some high schools disbanding National Honor Society or other academic recognition because it might hurt the self-esteem of the teens who don't make the grade. But, learning to deal with adversity, learning to deal with the fact that someone will always be better than we are is an essential life skill we are robbing our students and children of by overprotecting them. It is creating a generation of willful, narcissistic people who believe no one has the right to tell them what to do. Scary.

Studies also show that the best leaders, the most respected people of our time, did not have high self-esteem, but rather only moderate, filled with self-doubt, but not lacking in personal integrity, self-responsibility, self-acceptance, or living consciously. You can help your teen achieve self-actualization by continuing to offer unconditional love and the opportunities to practice Branden's six pillars of self-esteem. Remember your final product - a competent person who is proud of what he/she has achieved, capable of continuing toward self-actualization and realizing his/her dreams, even long after you are gone.

Now that's something to feel good about.