Your Biggest Bargaining Tool

Several conversations have been going on at school concerning parents who have just given up or don't know what to do with their teenagers. "I can't do a thing with him" is a common quote we hear as teachers. As my child got closer and closer to that magical number 18, I may have even said it myself. I regret it to a certain extent and I hope you never have to regret it.

A.)Learned Parental Helplessness - the last couple of generations have been parents who are steeped in learned helplessness from the increasing liberalization of our society. People have rights and we assume teenagers are privy to those same rights. In fact our Constitution has increasingly supported this thinking, giving children the right to due process. For the most part that is humane thinking, but it is wrongheaded to apply it to every instance in life.
Children are our charges. They are minors and as such as not full citizens in that they cannot transact commerce of a binding legal nature on their own. Until they are old enough, parents have many tools at their disposal to leverage behavior. Children are not entitled to cell phones, landlines, iPods, tv's, DVD players, or cars, even if they have paid for them themselves. Take any one of them away and make your child earn the right to get it back. You are far from powerless or helpless when you have these things at your control.

B.)Life is to be lived and we can't change what will happen. We don't have any control over what will happen to us. Bull. Many people have this philosophical outlook on life to their child's detriment. Do I hear a chorus of Che Serra, Serra in the background? The parent didn't have a plan and turned out alright, so the child will be alright, too. Besides, life is for living and any road will get you there. It's his life.
You may have a child who needs to mature, but you need to grow up, too. Didn't you learn anything at that hippie commune? Yes, life is a fantastic journey, but it demands direction. Yes, some people are so hard-headed that they do have to learn from the school of hard knocks, but wise parents will keep their children's feet moving on a path toward construction or they may witness the total self-destruction of a child right before their very eyes. No matter how old your child is, keep him talking and keep him moving toward a goal. We can't control everything, but we do have more control than we often give ourselves credit for.

C.) When he's 18, I'm bootin' him out of my house. You hear parents say this all the time. I've never understood what it proves. I'm skipping this one.

D.) You are just tired. This is one of the biggest injustices of nature, that just when your child needs you the most - needs your judgement, patience, energy - you are sick to death of all the commitment and are eager to have your life back. You are just tired of the constant battle. I can completely sympathize with you, but it's time to catch a second wind. You have great bargaining tools at your disposal. You also have a great kid. Don't give up now - the race is almost over. Keep going and you will both reap the rewards in the long run.

What is your biggest bargaining tool? You have many at your disposal in reforming your child's bad behavior. Realize where your thinking is coming from. Choose the tools which will have the greatest desired result and don't be afraid to use them. Remember, poor grades are unacceptable; not coming home on time is unacceptable; behavior which violates personal health is unacceptable; breaking the law is unacceptable. Don't stand by idly and do nothing. You don't have to be angry or frustrated - just use your tools.