Talk to Me

Remember how we communicated as kids? The old Dixie cups and a piece of string, stretched taut and tight. Our gang could never quite hear each other through them and ended up yelling back and forth. Upscale were the Walkie Talkies. They had a a range of about "out of earshot" and often there was more static than actual conversation. My brothers and neighborhood boys devised an elaborate signal system, using flags and secret symbols. I had a Brownie book that detailed how to make invisible ink using lemon juice. The message was revealed by holding the paper over a candle. Paula Bower and I promptly caught the carpet on fire.

Sometimes communicating with our teenagers seems just as difficult. Not only are the messages hard to decipher, the other participant seems less than willing to share the codes. What follows are some proven tools to help us (parents) communicate more effectively with them (adolescents). Thanks to Sue Blaney, author of Please Stop the Roller-Coaster for the insight and suggestions.

Focus on connection more than communication
You're the adult…you may need to meet your teen more than half-way
Expect to utilize indirect communication methods at times
Become good at reading all kinds of communication from your teen's body language, the emotions that underlie the words, his behavior, his friends behavior, etc
It is okay to negotiate on negotiable topics
Allow her to express her opinions
Treat him with respect no matter what
Invest in the emotional bank account you share

But what about when courteous listening and responding on the adult end is met with total opposition in return? Sure, we are to be the mature side, but it is difficult to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal slap in the face. Turning the other cheek is sometimes a hard thing to do. Your feelings deserve respect too.

When teens are non-communicative or very negative with us over a period of time, we need to explore if:
This child is in trouble and is in need of intervention
We are in some way fostering this communication breakdown
It is time we stand our ground and no longer accept unacceptable behavior
It is necessary to analyze both his behavior, and ours

The million dollar question? Why do teenagers communicate negatively with their parents? Blaney offers the following:
* Teens are going through major changes, and major stresses. It is possible that the only place he feels comfortable enough to act out, is with his parents.
* It is also possible that he is acting out toward his parents because he is frustrated with the relationships, rules, expectations, communication style or some other elements in family life.
*He may be feeling stress, or emotions that he does not understand or can't handle.
* He may be dealing with serious issues at school.
* He may be facing depression, or feeling really badly about himself.
*He may want to reach out and ask for help, but feels uncomfortable to do so.

If your parent radar is going off and the behavior seems more than normal- Evaluate your teen's behavior in terms of duration, frequency and intensity - How long has she been acting this way? How extensive and dramatic is this change in her behavior? How frequently do you see this behavior?

To gather information, "circle the wagons". Look to other adults in your child's life. Contact counselors, teachers and coaches. Speak with your youth pastor, adult friends, family-find out about the attitude and demeanor your teenager expresses to others. Do things seem amiss, or does he just save his nastiness for you? As you begin to gain a more thorough understanding of his state of mind, you can develop an appropriate strategy.

Assess your family dynamics. Families are intimately connected, and problems that show up in one person may indicate larger, more systemic issues that need to be addressed. Does your teenager receive enough loving attention? Does she feel safe and well cared for? Are there issues of competition or undue stress, unfair expectations, needs that are not being met? Try to be as honest as possible as you gather information about if and how you might be enabling and contributing to the communication breakdown.

The most productive communication will take place when calmness reigns. It may be time to have an honest discussion together, and if you set things up right this can be an opportunity to uncover important feelings and share honestly. Perhaps a family meeting would be helpful. Schedule it in advance. Be calm, non-judgmental and ready to listen to all family members.

Most families go through times of turmoil and challenge, and things get hard at times. Raising teens is not a problem to be solved but an adventure to be lived. Children are a long term investment. With unconditional love and with practiced patience, weathering this storm of adolescence will reap benefits that last a lifetime.