The pumpkins are out, the mums are in, the air is cleaner and the sunlight sparkles. You can't help but walk with a spring in your step. Sweater weather is around the corner and the leaves will soon start their annual magic show. Geese in formation are already flying, honking like crazy as they head South. Additionally, every man, woman and child sports something either orange and black or crimson and cream. It's crisp and clean and breezy and bright. It's autumn in Oklahoma.
If you're going to college games, you'll most likely tailgate with family and friends. I have been trucking food up to Norman for so many years, I can do it blindfolded. Once noteworthy day, as I proudly unpacked three days of effort, #1 son commented, "Gee Mom. This looks great but what I really like is Charlie's Chicken chunks and chips and white sauce from Hamlin's." Sigh. I guess you can take the boy out of Muskogee but not take Muskogee out of the boy.
One family with Muskogee connections has taken tailgating to a new level. Cheryl (Sanders) and Allan Harder have made OU Game Day a family affair. Cheryl shared that the Saturday menu is planned jointly with her daughter at least a week ahead. The Harder's arrive several hours early, pulling a trailer to set up their party. And I do mean set up. Awning, futon, TV, charcoal grill and portable generator all make the trip to Norman from OKC.
Three generations of Harder family and friends gather every home game. I had the good luck to be walking by a week or so ago and Cheryl invited me over. We go clear back to elementary school (we were the Pershing girls, we wore our hair in curls......) but I had not seen Cheryl in a while. It was a great time for me to reconnect. Fajitas were sizzling on the grill, a cattle trough of refreshing beverages was offered and a son-in-law was tootling around the parking lot on a motorized ice chest. (Yes, a motorized ice chest). Not only does the Harder clan serve a pre-game meal, but hot dogs and all the fixins' are always on the menu for a "post game pick me up" and a "wait til the traffic clears" diversion. Traditions. Family. Fun. Sounds like a family that reads "The Care and Feeding of Teenagers"! (Actually they do. Cheryl shared it's one way she keeps up with her hometown).
I don't know that any of us will get as elaborate as the Harder's but here are a few unexpected tailgating recipes that are easy to transport and will please all ages of football fans.
Sugared Bacon
1 lb bacon
1 cup + 1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
a tablespoon cinnamon
Cut each bacon slice in half. Combine sugar and cinnamon and coat each 1/2 slice with the mixture. Twist and arrange on a rack in a broiler pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes or until the bacon is crisp and the sugar is bubbly. Cool on a sheet of foil. Wrap lightly with foil and serve at room temperature. (Do not refrigerate) Note: These are addictive. Make lots and forget the fat grams and calories for the day.
Tailgate Tortillas
2 pkgs (8 oz) cream cheese
1 cup chopped almonds-toasted
1/2 cup green onions
2 tbs Dijon mustard
1 tsp dill weed
1 tsp dried basil
1 jar roasted red peppers-drained and chopped
6 large flour tortillas
1 pound thinly sliced ham
8 leaves lettuce
Blend cheese with first first 7 ingredients.
Lightly Steam tortillas and spread cream cheese mixture on each tortilla.
Top with shaved ham and lettuce/dividing evenly.
Roll tightly, sealing edges. Roll in aluminum foil and chill until ready to pack in ice chest.
To serve, slice diagonally and place cut side down.
Yield 6-8 servings
Serve with your favorite salsa and homemade guacamole.
Marinated Shrimp Antipasto
1 1/2 pounds shrimps, cooked, peeled and deveined (I buy frozen and ready-just follow pkg instructions)
6 ounces Provolone cheese
1 6 oz can pitted black olives
1/2 c sliced green onions
2/3 cup lemon juice
2 tbs Dijon mustard
2 tsp sugar
1 1/2 tsp thyme
1 tsp salt
4 ounces Genoa salami, cubed
a red bell pepper- seeded and cubed
1 yellow bell pepper-seeded and cubed
Place shrimp, cheese, olive and onions in shallow dish.
Combine remaining ingredients except salami and peppers. Pour over shrimp mixture.
Cover and refrigerate overnight, stirring occasionally.
Add salami and peppers. Toss well and drain.
Apple Slices and Creamy Caramel Dip
1 8 z cream cheese
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 c. sour cream
2 tsp vanilla
2 tsps lemon juice
1 cup cold milk
1 (3.4 ounce) package instant vanilla pudding
Beat cream cheese and brown sugar until smooth.
Add the sour cream, vanilla, lemon juice, milk and pudding mix, beating well after addition.
Cover and chill at least one hour.
Slice apples on sight and serve with dip.
( I might also serve with strawberries, pineapple chunks and sliced Sara Lee Pound Cake)
HAPPY TAILGATING!!!
OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU OU
OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU OSU
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Care and Feeding Of Parents
It's universal and timeless. When parents and teenagers come together, things can go south in a hurry. As parents, we wonder why teenagers say and do- what they say and do. The big question is, how best to deal with these youngsters in the throes of adolescence. James Herring, a family counselor based in Tallahassee, Florida has turned the psychological tables, counseling teenagers on why parents say and do - what they say and do, and how best to deal with adults in the throes of parenthood.
"These are things kids can do for the care and feeding of their parents," said Herring, author and nationally syndicated columnist. "Basically, I'm telling them that if you want your parents off your back, here are some strategies to do it." Directing advice toward teens rather than parents isn't something you hear much about, but it's a great way for young people to learn how to communicate and compromise. I was intrigued by the premise.
This method teaches teens how to negotiate. It teaches life skills. Kids learn to assess not only what they want but what other people's needs are and how to identify the situation. Sure, asking teenagers to tune in to their parents is a tall order. But the usual teen strategy of wearing parents down to get their way creates discord and tension on both sides. Walls go up instead of down.
Herring advises teens, "If you're obnoxious enough for long enough you may get your way, but ultimately it backfires. You've learned how to push people, but in the long run it creates resentment. It'll blow up." One of his most important strategies for taming parents is recognizing when conditions are ideal for negotiating or more importantly, when they're not ideal. Discuss chores, allowances, curfew changes, going-out privileges, whatever, during times of good feelings. Don't even think about demanding a later curfew while heading out the door or try to renegotiate household rules in the middle of a parental lecture.
A better strategy? Pick low-stress times for a discussion, while helping wash the dishes after dinner, for instance, or when it's just you and your parent in the car. Another tip? Be realistic. You should know your family's values well enough to realize that some things aren't negotiable .
If you find yourself complaining about nagging parents, ask yourself this question. How long have you known your parents? Based on those 15 or so years, can't you kind of predict what's important to them and what's going to bug them? "Contrary to popular belief, parents don't stay up at night thinking, `How many ways can I torture them tomorrow?" Herring said.
More advice to teens? Pick a thing you and your parents disagree about. Get ahead of the situation and do it, or fix it,or change it, before they even say anything. Enjoy the shock and confusion on their faces. Reap the benefits of compromise.
Consider Perspectives
In your eyes, you're all grown up. In your parents' eyes, you're the same person they once held in their arms. Understand that it's wonderful but also hard for your parents to see you grow up. If they treat you like a kid sometimes, realize the perspective they're bringing to the situation, then negotiate. Also, their advanced years inform them in ways you can't know yet. Consider the helicopter analogy: When you're 15, you view the world from a helicopter 15 feet off the ground. When you're hovering 40 feet off the ground, things look a lot different. Pitfalls and dangers are more obvious due to those "life" experiences.
Use Parents as Resources
Your parents are not the enemy. In fact, they are loaded with information. Pick their brains about any number of topics, from getting along with certain people to getting your first job. Plus, you make them feel good just by asking their advice. Who doesn't want to feel as though they have some wisdom to impart?
Cough Up an Anecdote
Your parents are interested in you, so you know it's going to happen: They will ask you about your day. If you handle it the wrong way, the conversation will go like this: How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Oh, you must have done something. Aaugh! Don't have that exchange. Instead, throw them a bone. Pick out one thing from your day and tell them all about it. That will satiate them for a while and keeps the lines of communication open between both of you.
Provide the W's Up Front
When you're heading out to be with friends, you already know the details your parents must have. Where are you going? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with? When will you be home? Don't consider this an intrusion. It's actually your ticket to freedom. Consistently -and honestly - supply this information and the more your parents will let you do. Fill in the blanks and avoid the interrogation. Build trust.
You want to be more and more in charge of yourself, and guess what? That's what your parents want, too. This one is a "gimme." The more you show you can be trusted, the more freedom you will have. Ask yourself a question: Is what I'm doing something that will build trust or something that will break trust? In a family, trust is a commodity that gives a teen more freedom and gives parents the best gift of all. Peace of mind.
"These are things kids can do for the care and feeding of their parents," said Herring, author and nationally syndicated columnist. "Basically, I'm telling them that if you want your parents off your back, here are some strategies to do it." Directing advice toward teens rather than parents isn't something you hear much about, but it's a great way for young people to learn how to communicate and compromise. I was intrigued by the premise.
This method teaches teens how to negotiate. It teaches life skills. Kids learn to assess not only what they want but what other people's needs are and how to identify the situation. Sure, asking teenagers to tune in to their parents is a tall order. But the usual teen strategy of wearing parents down to get their way creates discord and tension on both sides. Walls go up instead of down.
Herring advises teens, "If you're obnoxious enough for long enough you may get your way, but ultimately it backfires. You've learned how to push people, but in the long run it creates resentment. It'll blow up." One of his most important strategies for taming parents is recognizing when conditions are ideal for negotiating or more importantly, when they're not ideal. Discuss chores, allowances, curfew changes, going-out privileges, whatever, during times of good feelings. Don't even think about demanding a later curfew while heading out the door or try to renegotiate household rules in the middle of a parental lecture.
A better strategy? Pick low-stress times for a discussion, while helping wash the dishes after dinner, for instance, or when it's just you and your parent in the car. Another tip? Be realistic. You should know your family's values well enough to realize that some things aren't negotiable .
If you find yourself complaining about nagging parents, ask yourself this question. How long have you known your parents? Based on those 15 or so years, can't you kind of predict what's important to them and what's going to bug them? "Contrary to popular belief, parents don't stay up at night thinking, `How many ways can I torture them tomorrow?" Herring said.
More advice to teens? Pick a thing you and your parents disagree about. Get ahead of the situation and do it, or fix it,or change it, before they even say anything. Enjoy the shock and confusion on their faces. Reap the benefits of compromise.
Consider Perspectives
In your eyes, you're all grown up. In your parents' eyes, you're the same person they once held in their arms. Understand that it's wonderful but also hard for your parents to see you grow up. If they treat you like a kid sometimes, realize the perspective they're bringing to the situation, then negotiate. Also, their advanced years inform them in ways you can't know yet. Consider the helicopter analogy: When you're 15, you view the world from a helicopter 15 feet off the ground. When you're hovering 40 feet off the ground, things look a lot different. Pitfalls and dangers are more obvious due to those "life" experiences.
Use Parents as Resources
Your parents are not the enemy. In fact, they are loaded with information. Pick their brains about any number of topics, from getting along with certain people to getting your first job. Plus, you make them feel good just by asking their advice. Who doesn't want to feel as though they have some wisdom to impart?
Cough Up an Anecdote
Your parents are interested in you, so you know it's going to happen: They will ask you about your day. If you handle it the wrong way, the conversation will go like this: How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Oh, you must have done something. Aaugh! Don't have that exchange. Instead, throw them a bone. Pick out one thing from your day and tell them all about it. That will satiate them for a while and keeps the lines of communication open between both of you.
Provide the W's Up Front
When you're heading out to be with friends, you already know the details your parents must have. Where are you going? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with? When will you be home? Don't consider this an intrusion. It's actually your ticket to freedom. Consistently -and honestly - supply this information and the more your parents will let you do. Fill in the blanks and avoid the interrogation. Build trust.
You want to be more and more in charge of yourself, and guess what? That's what your parents want, too. This one is a "gimme." The more you show you can be trusted, the more freedom you will have. Ask yourself a question: Is what I'm doing something that will build trust or something that will break trust? In a family, trust is a commodity that gives a teen more freedom and gives parents the best gift of all. Peace of mind.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
The Giver
This week Mayor John Tyler Hammons issues a challenge to residents - are you as well read as a high school student?
The Mayor's reading challenge consists of typical books on the high school reading list at Muskogee High School. Kick off for the event will be held at the Muskogee Public Library on Thursday, Sept. 25 at 7:00 p.m.
The first book on the list is The Giver by Lois Lowry, selected because it is the Mayor's favorite book read during his school days. The Giver is a dystopian novel about a society compelled to political correctness th
rough Big Brother-ism. Only one boy, twelve-year-old Jonas, dares to change his society from its colorless sameness.
rough Big Brother-ism. Only one boy, twelve-year-old Jonas, dares to change his society from its colorless sameness.Some of the books on the list will be new to parents, having been adopted as required reading after they graduated.
Many will have already read most of the books on the list when they were in high school. Why go back and read them again? Because re-reading classics of fiction allows us to notice things that had no meaning for us the first time we read them. With our experience, the intent of the author becomes manifold with greater meaning. What we hated when we were required to read the novels in high school may now become a favorite novel. Or, we may hate it just as much as we did the first time it was assigned!
Either way, reading along with your teen forges a common bond, just like reading along with the Muskogee community forges commonality. It provides topics of conversation and common experience. It shows your child you care enough to read the same books he/she is being "forced" to read and that you are in the literary trenches with him. It shows your child that reading is important and fundamental to living a successful life, no matter how old a person is.
Here is the complete selection for the reading challenge from each high school grade level. Join Mayor Hammons at Muskogee Public Library for the kick off of the reading challenge taking place during the school year from September to May. Books may be read in any order throughout the year.
The Mayor's Choice:
The Giver by Lois Lowry
9th O Pioneers and My Antonia , Willa Cather
Treasure Island , Robert Louis Stevenson
Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain
To Kill a Mockingbird , Harper Lee
Romeo and Juliet , William Shakespeare
10th Ethan Frome, Edith Wharton
Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
Cry the Beloved Country, Alan Paton
A Separate Peace, John Knowles
Night, Elie Wiesel
Julius Caesar , William Shakespeare
11th The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
Red Badge of Courage, Stephen Crane
Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
The Awakening, Kate Chopin
The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
The Tortilla Curtain, T.C. Boyle
The Crucible, Arthur Miller
12th Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevenson
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Macbeth, William Shakespeare
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon
1984, George Orwell
Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston
Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
The Giver by Lois Lowry
9th O Pioneers and My Antonia , Willa Cather
Treasure Island , Robert Louis Stevenson
Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain
To Kill a Mockingbird , Harper Lee
Romeo and Juliet , William Shakespeare
10th Ethan Frome, Edith Wharton
Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
Cry the Beloved Country, Alan Paton
A Separate Peace, John Knowles
Night, Elie Wiesel
Julius Caesar , William Shakespeare
11th The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
Red Badge of Courage, Stephen Crane
Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
The Awakening, Kate Chopin
The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
The Tortilla Curtain, T.C. Boyle
The Crucible, Arthur Miller
12th Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevenson
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Macbeth, William Shakespeare
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon
1984, George Orwell
Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston
Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
See you at the library!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Go Away. You Bother Me
Through the last several columns we have been looking at the book, How to Traumatize Your Children. It's an upside down, inside out, polar opposite look at being a parent. Though the "advice" is obviously satirical, the issues it addresses are unfortunately absent in many American families today. Trust. Security. Consistency. Self esteem. Through the author's unlikely method, the importance of these parenting skills is emphasized.
Other chapters cover topics like; Whatever they Want-Indulgence Begets Entitlement; We Share Everything-Parent as Best Friend; and It's All About You-Narcissistic Parenting. all intriguing topics that also merit a look and a possible redirection and new focus.
Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Convenience of Neglect is a chapter that especially spoke to me. I have often discussed my concern for high school students that are already on their own and raising themselves. It was a prevalent practice at my high school. A practice that seemed less than successful. I run into many former students that were on their own way too early and have not experienced much success as young adults. Some are still working in the jobs they found at 15, many are raising children in a single parent household, lots are on government assistance and a few have chosen illegal activities. Most do not, shall we say, see the future as bright with possibilities.
So, using the handbook, how can one learn to be a neglectful parent? The author shares that many adults are well-suited for this role. Some choose addiction over their children. Others are depressed and emotional unable to cope with the pressures of parenting. Others out-source the job to others while they pursue careers and personal satisfaction. Some are so self-absorbed that there is just not room in the day for their children. They don't believe parenting should affect their lifestyle.
The book continues, "If you were raised neglected, you may identify personality traits that help you adopt the neglectful technique with your own children." Do you have difficulty with intimacy? Are you uncomfortable with revealing yourself or being dependent on others? Do you feel over-whelmed with the challenges of everyday life, feeling the pressures of parenting bring yet another set of undesirable responsibilities. Do you convince yourselves that quality time is a substitute for quantity of time? Congratulations! You, too, can be neglectful parent.
First, build those invisible walls. Children are naturally affectionate, so in the early stages, it's important to communicate a 'hands-off" message. Hugging and kissing should be kept at a minimum. Soon enough they will absorb the ethos and keeping them at arms length will be effortless. Don't give them attention for every little scratch and and soon they learn to keep their problems to themselves. After all, when you're busy, you're busy.
Remind them often that you pay the rent and buy the groceries. When you miss yet another school event, assuage your guilt by congratulating yourself for bring a good provider. It's not like they don't have anything to do. When they let themselves in after school they have television, video games and computers to keep them occupied.
Your life is stressful. You must put your needs first. Frequent vacations, a frenetic social life, high level hygiene and beauty regimes, shopping and sporting events, "down time" in front of the T.V., hobbies that exclude your family-there is so much that is important to you. Don't reject any opportunities or change your lifestyle in order to be a parent. Honor your needs.
You gave them life-what more do they want? There's work to do and life to be enjoyed. No matter that your children will be characterized by the following inimitable traits- needy and dependent, growing up too fast, experimenting with sex and drugs, low self esteem, attention seeking troublemakers-oh, and often depressed. Other qualities to look forward to? How about anger issues, emotionally absent relationships, aggression, pessimism and drug and alcohol addiction. Emotionally scarred adults? Who cares when the freedom a parent gained while their children were young is priceless!
So, we'll bid a fond farewell to this Alice through the Looking Glass view of raising children. Hopefully you've laughed at the absurdity of it's premise but conversely, identified possible mishaps and misintentions. As Bette Davis so aptly stated, "If you haven't been hated by your children, you've never been a parent." Here's hoping they are hating us for all the right reasons.
Other chapters cover topics like; Whatever they Want-Indulgence Begets Entitlement; We Share Everything-Parent as Best Friend; and It's All About You-Narcissistic Parenting. all intriguing topics that also merit a look and a possible redirection and new focus.
Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Convenience of Neglect is a chapter that especially spoke to me. I have often discussed my concern for high school students that are already on their own and raising themselves. It was a prevalent practice at my high school. A practice that seemed less than successful. I run into many former students that were on their own way too early and have not experienced much success as young adults. Some are still working in the jobs they found at 15, many are raising children in a single parent household, lots are on government assistance and a few have chosen illegal activities. Most do not, shall we say, see the future as bright with possibilities.
So, using the handbook, how can one learn to be a neglectful parent? The author shares that many adults are well-suited for this role. Some choose addiction over their children. Others are depressed and emotional unable to cope with the pressures of parenting. Others out-source the job to others while they pursue careers and personal satisfaction. Some are so self-absorbed that there is just not room in the day for their children. They don't believe parenting should affect their lifestyle.
The book continues, "If you were raised neglected, you may identify personality traits that help you adopt the neglectful technique with your own children." Do you have difficulty with intimacy? Are you uncomfortable with revealing yourself or being dependent on others? Do you feel over-whelmed with the challenges of everyday life, feeling the pressures of parenting bring yet another set of undesirable responsibilities. Do you convince yourselves that quality time is a substitute for quantity of time? Congratulations! You, too, can be neglectful parent.
First, build those invisible walls. Children are naturally affectionate, so in the early stages, it's important to communicate a 'hands-off" message. Hugging and kissing should be kept at a minimum. Soon enough they will absorb the ethos and keeping them at arms length will be effortless. Don't give them attention for every little scratch and and soon they learn to keep their problems to themselves. After all, when you're busy, you're busy.
Remind them often that you pay the rent and buy the groceries. When you miss yet another school event, assuage your guilt by congratulating yourself for bring a good provider. It's not like they don't have anything to do. When they let themselves in after school they have television, video games and computers to keep them occupied.
Your life is stressful. You must put your needs first. Frequent vacations, a frenetic social life, high level hygiene and beauty regimes, shopping and sporting events, "down time" in front of the T.V., hobbies that exclude your family-there is so much that is important to you. Don't reject any opportunities or change your lifestyle in order to be a parent. Honor your needs.
You gave them life-what more do they want? There's work to do and life to be enjoyed. No matter that your children will be characterized by the following inimitable traits- needy and dependent, growing up too fast, experimenting with sex and drugs, low self esteem, attention seeking troublemakers-oh, and often depressed. Other qualities to look forward to? How about anger issues, emotionally absent relationships, aggression, pessimism and drug and alcohol addiction. Emotionally scarred adults? Who cares when the freedom a parent gained while their children were young is priceless!
So, we'll bid a fond farewell to this Alice through the Looking Glass view of raising children. Hopefully you've laughed at the absurdity of it's premise but conversely, identified possible mishaps and misintentions. As Bette Davis so aptly stated, "If you haven't been hated by your children, you've never been a parent." Here's hoping they are hating us for all the right reasons.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Be There
An article in the Tulsa World featured Union Public Schools' implementation of a new nation-wide plan called Be There. Be There's goal is to reconnect families by offering suggestions for maximizing time with one's children.
For people with teenagers, this is often a challenge. As Chrissie and I have suggested before, establishing a family dinner time is the most effective way to be there for the kids. Research indicates that a common factor among successful high school students, such as National Merit Finalists, is to eat dinner together every night right from the start and maintaining that time through high school. But trying to meet for dinner is difficult once your child begins having athletic practices and/or a job.
According to the Be There Web site, when there are family dinner opportunities, parents should ask teens questions to stretch the imagination, such as "if you you were the most intelligent person on earth, what would you do with your intelligence?" Asking these kinds of questions makes your child go beyond mere yes/no, one-syllable answers and creates a dialogue between parent and teen.
Still, all-in-all there are not many suggestions for connecting with older children. As pointed out before, early connection is the best way to make it through the teen years. Simple things like hugs, making eye contact with one's child, and making even chores a shared project can forge those connections.
A common chorus from teenagers and older children is "you don't really know me." As shocking as that sounds, they could be right. As our children mature to adulthood, they become their own person and without communication, it is entirely possible that they are completely different as adults. Being there for them every step of the way helps keep in touch with what kind of people they are becoming, so that fewer missteps can occur on their way to living a happy, successful adult life.
For more information go to the national campaign, bethere.org. Way to be there, parents!
For people with teenagers, this is often a challenge. As Chrissie and I have suggested before, establishing a family dinner time is the most effective way to be there for the kids. Research indicates that a common factor among successful high school students, such as National Merit Finalists, is to eat dinner together every night right from the start and maintaining that time through high school. But trying to meet for dinner is difficult once your child begins having athletic practices and/or a job.
According to the Be There Web site, when there are family dinner opportunities, parents should ask teens questions to stretch the imagination, such as "if you you were the most intelligent person on earth, what would you do with your intelligence?" Asking these kinds of questions makes your child go beyond mere yes/no, one-syllable answers and creates a dialogue between parent and teen.
Still, all-in-all there are not many suggestions for connecting with older children. As pointed out before, early connection is the best way to make it through the teen years. Simple things like hugs, making eye contact with one's child, and making even chores a shared project can forge those connections.
A common chorus from teenagers and older children is "you don't really know me." As shocking as that sounds, they could be right. As our children mature to adulthood, they become their own person and without communication, it is entirely possible that they are completely different as adults. Being there for them every step of the way helps keep in touch with what kind of people they are becoming, so that fewer missteps can occur on their way to living a happy, successful adult life.
For more information go to the national campaign, bethere.org. Way to be there, parents!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Caustic Parenting 101
Confident and well adjusted children are an overused idea don't you think? As the book we have been laughing with, How to Traumatize Your Children states, "Validation is for Parking-or-How To Kill Self Esteem." After all, isn't life tough? The sooner children figure out they are nothing special, the better.
The chapter continues, "There's no free lunch and we are doing kids no favors by building up their touchy-feely self esteem." We didn't get a leg up did we, why should they? Why wait until their boss tells them they are worthless? It's better he be prepared by his family . Tell him he is worthless throughout his childhood and teen years. By the time it comes from a stranger he'll have a thick skin. Your child can learn at a parent's knee how inadequate he is.
Parenting via self esteem homicide bestows a great gift on our offspring. It also supplies a punching bag for the stress of our own life. Hasn't life been a great disappointment? Our own children are great ones to blame for our personal failures. Making our kids feel inadequate releases those pesky pent up feelings we have carried around since our own childhood. Put your kid down and just feel the power.
What follows is a stage by stage game plan for murdering self -esteem in your very own child.
1. Infant: Tell your child to stop being such a crybaby and attend to their needs minimally and with resentment.
2. Toddler: Through body language and interaction express your feelings of resentment and frustration.
3. Child: Once your child is in school, you can begin comparing her to others and gathering tangible proof of his stupidity.
4. Adolescent: Puberty brings those physical changes that make any person feel awkward and ugly-make sure these do not pass without an appropriate comment.
5. Teen: In the teen years, referring to your child's lack of success, unpopularity and constantly disappointing you are especially effective.
6. Young Adult: While watching your child try to find themselves in the early stages of adulthood, point out their failures and mistakes. Offer no encouragement.
7. Adult: Now that your child is fully grown, never leave any doubt that he/she is a huge disappointment.
Happiness has been defined as the gap between expectation and reality. Remind your child that he personally has nothing to look forward to. Useful phrases to instill self-loathing include:
"You're worthless"
"You'll never amount to anything"
"You're a complete disappointment to me."
The beauty of this parenting style is that after a few years, your offspring will believe they are worthless - all by themselves.
The chapter continues, "There's no free lunch and we are doing kids no favors by building up their touchy-feely self esteem." We didn't get a leg up did we, why should they? Why wait until their boss tells them they are worthless? It's better he be prepared by his family . Tell him he is worthless throughout his childhood and teen years. By the time it comes from a stranger he'll have a thick skin. Your child can learn at a parent's knee how inadequate he is.
Parenting via self esteem homicide bestows a great gift on our offspring. It also supplies a punching bag for the stress of our own life. Hasn't life been a great disappointment? Our own children are great ones to blame for our personal failures. Making our kids feel inadequate releases those pesky pent up feelings we have carried around since our own childhood. Put your kid down and just feel the power.
What follows is a stage by stage game plan for murdering self -esteem in your very own child.
1. Infant: Tell your child to stop being such a crybaby and attend to their needs minimally and with resentment.
2. Toddler: Through body language and interaction express your feelings of resentment and frustration.
3. Child: Once your child is in school, you can begin comparing her to others and gathering tangible proof of his stupidity.
4. Adolescent: Puberty brings those physical changes that make any person feel awkward and ugly-make sure these do not pass without an appropriate comment.
5. Teen: In the teen years, referring to your child's lack of success, unpopularity and constantly disappointing you are especially effective.
6. Young Adult: While watching your child try to find themselves in the early stages of adulthood, point out their failures and mistakes. Offer no encouragement.
7. Adult: Now that your child is fully grown, never leave any doubt that he/she is a huge disappointment.
Happiness has been defined as the gap between expectation and reality. Remind your child that he personally has nothing to look forward to. Useful phrases to instill self-loathing include:
"You're worthless"
"You'll never amount to anything"
"You're a complete disappointment to me."
The beauty of this parenting style is that after a few years, your offspring will believe they are worthless - all by themselves.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
PowerSchool
Muskogee Public Schools moved to a new gradebook system called PowerSchool. Parent Connect is no longer working, but soon parents will be able to log on to the new system. Parents will really be pleased with the ease of use and the amount of information contained in the PowerSchool program.
In PowerSchool parents will be able to have grade reports emailed home weekly or daily as they wish, making notification much easier. They can get on whenever they want and view their child's grades in every class and click on the teacher or subject to get a breakdown of the assignments. They can click on the teacher's name to be taken directlly to that teacher's email, so they can leave a query for the teacher. The only information lacking at the moment is lunch account information, but plans to provide that additional support are being discussed.
All in all, this Internet based program will be much easier for parents to manage. One drawback is that a parent must have a different name and password for each child in the family, but it is a minor issue compared to the increased information and the easier notification system. Rather than logging on for each child, the parent can have that email notification generated directly to their inbox, if desired.
PowerSchool is not available yet, but should be within the next week or so. Watch for information about registration in your child's school newsletter or weekly memo home. Connecting to PowerSchool gives you the power to monitor your teen's success, provide support when needed, and ensure your child keeps moving toward his/her educational goal.
For more information, just leave me a comment here and I will get back to you with the answer. Also be looking for the first parent conference day coming up in a couple of weeks.
In PowerSchool parents will be able to have grade reports emailed home weekly or daily as they wish, making notification much easier. They can get on whenever they want and view their child's grades in every class and click on the teacher or subject to get a breakdown of the assignments. They can click on the teacher's name to be taken directlly to that teacher's email, so they can leave a query for the teacher. The only information lacking at the moment is lunch account information, but plans to provide that additional support are being discussed.
All in all, this Internet based program will be much easier for parents to manage. One drawback is that a parent must have a different name and password for each child in the family, but it is a minor issue compared to the increased information and the easier notification system. Rather than logging on for each child, the parent can have that email notification generated directly to their inbox, if desired.
PowerSchool is not available yet, but should be within the next week or so. Watch for information about registration in your child's school newsletter or weekly memo home. Connecting to PowerSchool gives you the power to monitor your teen's success, provide support when needed, and ensure your child keeps moving toward his/her educational goal.
For more information, just leave me a comment here and I will get back to you with the answer. Also be looking for the first parent conference day coming up in a couple of weeks.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Are you Listening To Me?
In the last column I discussed a little book called How To Traumatize Your Children. It is a sarcastic How To that guarantees any unfortunate recipient of it's advice a straight trip to years of psycho-analysis. Honestly, the un-named author's perspective helps to illustrate possible mistakes we are unwittingly making as parents. The here to anonymous author gives his take on The Seven Parenting Styles. We will cover control today and continue with "instruction" next week.
#1. Exerting Control: Your Child, Your Property
As a controlling parent, you of course know what's right. You know what your child should fear and what he/she should believe. You have the final say on what your child should wear every day, shat friends he should have and how much food she should put in her mouth. Because there is no room in your universe for your child's ideas or opinions, you save money on art supplies or violin lessons. While it takes a bit of work to become a controlling parent, the results for your child are impressive-obedience, rigidity, psychosomatic stomachaches, lack of resourcefulness, a lifetime of discontent-that many parents believe it is worth the effort.
The controller is a special type of parent, best suited to individuals with leadership skills and a strong perfectionist drive, generally under girded by a stimulating combination of failed dreams and entrenched self-loathing. At estimated 60 per cent of parents were themselves controlled by their parents, giving a leg up to those who enjoyed this type of upbringing but far from ruling out those who did not.
The advantages to controlling your child are plentiful. When children are young, they tend not to talk back, and you can quickly squash any backtalk with punishment, criticism and withholding of love and affection. You'll save your self the inconvenience of having to deal with gray areas and your child's indecision. This early stage obedience makes your job easier when in the teen years your child may try to rebel. Already laying the groundwork with strong consequences, you can send him away to "wilderness camp" or a "working ranch."
The basic rule of thumb for this style is, If it irritates you or you have an opinion on it, take control.
You Are The Boss
Your child is a generation younger than you. This of course means that, you know better! You have spent a lifetime developing dogma and wisdom and by golly, your children will benefit from it. As a parent, your job is to micromanage every move, and their goal in life should be to please you and follow your orders.
You did not have children to submit to their feeble whims and wishes. Instead your offspring are lumps of clay to be molded in your image, They should consider themselves lucky to have you because you know everything.
Your children do not need to waste your time, learning to make decisions on their own or exploring their internal thought processes. Ultimately they will have friends, teachers, professors, bosses and spouses to make decisions for them, so it doesn't serve their best interests for you to teach them anything other than blind obedience.
Your Children Are Your Property
Not only did you give your children life, you gave them a rood over their heads and food in their mouths. You pay for toys, orthodontia and the clothing you pick out for them. You pay for the activities and sports you wish them to participate in. Clearly, your children belong to you body and soul, Until they are 18 and no longer accepting money and housing from you, they must accede to your rules. Remind them frequently of this fact with such statements as, "when you pay the bills, you make the rules."
When your children accept your charity, your children relinquish all rights to self-government, privacy and choice. You changed their diapers, why wouldn't you read their diaries?
Remember, Dissent is Verboten
The ready answer to their questions is always, "because I said so." You are an adult, you know best and are never wrong. Children should respect their parents and accept their leadership blindly. Your children are lucky they have you to think for them. If your child voices disagreement, it means she is bad and doesn't love or respect you, in which case you crack down hard and withhold your own love. Whether you call it lip, sass, backtalk or disrespect, it ranks as one of the most punishable offenses.
When your child disagrees with you, tell them they are stupid or ungrateful. Make it clear that you love them when they agree with you. Limits and boundaries are clear-cut and nonnegotiable- there are none for you and many for them. Allow no dissent or the game is over for you.
Criticism is One of the Most Useful Tools For Parents.
Not only does it serve to punish poor behavior as well as reinforce your position as property-owning boss, it undermines the self confidence so that they believe (correctly) that they couldn't survive without you. A child with poor self-esteem is more easily controlled than one who has developed confidence through praise and independent exploration of the world. Criticism should center around intelligence, appearance,judgement and attempts at independent thought.
Everything is Dangerous
Your job as a parent is to protect your child from an infinite array of perils while instilling in her the accurate belief that people are not to be trusted, all dogs foam at the mouth, germs lurk everywhere and life is fatal. Curiosity is bad, all but parent approved friendships should be avoided and exploration and discovery are not allowed. See how easy it is to instill a life long skill of fear? What should be feared? Everything!
So, control on! You'll have the lifelong results of "I said so!"
Next week? I know you are eagerly awaiting, "Stages of Control" and it's results for your very own child. "
#1. Exerting Control: Your Child, Your Property
As a controlling parent, you of course know what's right. You know what your child should fear and what he/she should believe. You have the final say on what your child should wear every day, shat friends he should have and how much food she should put in her mouth. Because there is no room in your universe for your child's ideas or opinions, you save money on art supplies or violin lessons. While it takes a bit of work to become a controlling parent, the results for your child are impressive-obedience, rigidity, psychosomatic stomachaches, lack of resourcefulness, a lifetime of discontent-that many parents believe it is worth the effort.
The controller is a special type of parent, best suited to individuals with leadership skills and a strong perfectionist drive, generally under girded by a stimulating combination of failed dreams and entrenched self-loathing. At estimated 60 per cent of parents were themselves controlled by their parents, giving a leg up to those who enjoyed this type of upbringing but far from ruling out those who did not.
The advantages to controlling your child are plentiful. When children are young, they tend not to talk back, and you can quickly squash any backtalk with punishment, criticism and withholding of love and affection. You'll save your self the inconvenience of having to deal with gray areas and your child's indecision. This early stage obedience makes your job easier when in the teen years your child may try to rebel. Already laying the groundwork with strong consequences, you can send him away to "wilderness camp" or a "working ranch."
The basic rule of thumb for this style is, If it irritates you or you have an opinion on it, take control.
You Are The Boss
Your child is a generation younger than you. This of course means that, you know better! You have spent a lifetime developing dogma and wisdom and by golly, your children will benefit from it. As a parent, your job is to micromanage every move, and their goal in life should be to please you and follow your orders.
You did not have children to submit to their feeble whims and wishes. Instead your offspring are lumps of clay to be molded in your image, They should consider themselves lucky to have you because you know everything.
Your children do not need to waste your time, learning to make decisions on their own or exploring their internal thought processes. Ultimately they will have friends, teachers, professors, bosses and spouses to make decisions for them, so it doesn't serve their best interests for you to teach them anything other than blind obedience.
Your Children Are Your Property
Not only did you give your children life, you gave them a rood over their heads and food in their mouths. You pay for toys, orthodontia and the clothing you pick out for them. You pay for the activities and sports you wish them to participate in. Clearly, your children belong to you body and soul, Until they are 18 and no longer accepting money and housing from you, they must accede to your rules. Remind them frequently of this fact with such statements as, "when you pay the bills, you make the rules."
When your children accept your charity, your children relinquish all rights to self-government, privacy and choice. You changed their diapers, why wouldn't you read their diaries?
Remember, Dissent is Verboten
The ready answer to their questions is always, "because I said so." You are an adult, you know best and are never wrong. Children should respect their parents and accept their leadership blindly. Your children are lucky they have you to think for them. If your child voices disagreement, it means she is bad and doesn't love or respect you, in which case you crack down hard and withhold your own love. Whether you call it lip, sass, backtalk or disrespect, it ranks as one of the most punishable offenses.
When your child disagrees with you, tell them they are stupid or ungrateful. Make it clear that you love them when they agree with you. Limits and boundaries are clear-cut and nonnegotiable- there are none for you and many for them. Allow no dissent or the game is over for you.
Criticism is One of the Most Useful Tools For Parents.
Not only does it serve to punish poor behavior as well as reinforce your position as property-owning boss, it undermines the self confidence so that they believe (correctly) that they couldn't survive without you. A child with poor self-esteem is more easily controlled than one who has developed confidence through praise and independent exploration of the world. Criticism should center around intelligence, appearance,judgement and attempts at independent thought.
Everything is Dangerous
Your job as a parent is to protect your child from an infinite array of perils while instilling in her the accurate belief that people are not to be trusted, all dogs foam at the mouth, germs lurk everywhere and life is fatal. Curiosity is bad, all but parent approved friendships should be avoided and exploration and discovery are not allowed. See how easy it is to instill a life long skill of fear? What should be feared? Everything!
So, control on! You'll have the lifelong results of "I said so!"
Next week? I know you are eagerly awaiting, "Stages of Control" and it's results for your very own child. "